Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-16 12:19:57 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If e+mc2 says i cant travel faster than the speed of light.

How do i exceed 299 792 458 m / s (the speed of light), without contradicting e=mc2?

2007-06-16 12:16:51 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-16 12:15:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The couple go to an agricultural show way out in the countryside on a fine Sunday afternoon and are watching the bull auction. The guy selling the bulls announces the first bull to be auctioned off, "A fine specimen, this bull reproduced 60 times last year.
the wife nudges her husband in the ribs and comments, "See! That's more than five times a month!"
The second bull is to be sold. "Another fine specimen, this wonder reproduced 120 times last year."
Again the wife bugs her husband, "Hey, that's some 10 times a month. What do you say to that?" Her husband is getting really annoyed with this comparison.
The third bull is up for sale. "And this extraordinary specimen reproduced 365 times last year!"
The wife slaps her husband on the arm and yells, "That's once a day, every day of the year! How about you?"
The husband was pretty irrated by now and yells back, "Sure, once a day!! Great!! but you ask the auctioneer if they were all with the same cow!"

2007-06-16 11:56:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want." And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life.

The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches. Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll crap on it's head."

2007-06-16 11:46:56 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Riddle Me This, Riddle Me That? I am The Riddler.
Solve this riddle that I have for you.

This thing all things devours:
Birds, beasts, trees and flowers.
Gnaws iron, bites steel.
Grinds hard stone into meal.
Slays king, ruins town,
And beats high mountain down.

What is it?

2007-06-16 11:43:13 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Best answer gets 10 points. :]

2007-06-16 11:35:28 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

a country road in Conemara and a big American pulled up beside him and calls out "Hey Paddy which way is it to Cork.?" Paddy turns and asks "How did you know my name is Paddy.?" to which the Yank say's "I just guessed." so Paddy replies "Well you can effin guess your way to Cork.!"

2007-06-16 11:28:10 · 8 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

the man got to his houseand saw the woman through the window.
he then screamed and jumped to door.

when the police got there the woman was gone!

why?

2007-06-16 11:25:38 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Besause she was taped to the chicken...hahahhahaha

2007-06-16 11:02:05 · 15 answers · asked by Hayden Z 2

A man was driving along a country road when he saw a sign that read "Peaches, All Flavors, 1 Mile." After seeing this he thought to himself, "I gotta see this!" After driving for a mile he saw the stand and pulled off to investigate.
"Hi, I saw your sign and want to know how you can have peaches all flavors?"
"Well, sir, pick a flavor."
"OK, strawberry."
With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like strawberries.
"OK, blueberry."
With that the man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and
gave it to the customer. The customer bit into it and it tasted like blueberries.
"OK, peanut butter and jelly."
The man went to a barrel and pulled out a peach and gave it to
the customer. The customer bit into the peach and it tasted like
peanut butter.
"Hey, I taste the peanut butter but where's the jelly?"
"Turn it around." replied the man.
The customer turned the The customer turned the peach around and bit in

2007-06-16 10:52:26 · 13 answers · asked by Snake Eyes 6

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. As she pays for her ticket, the bus driver says: "That's the ugliest baby I've ever seen. Ugh!"
The woman sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her: "The driver just insulted me!"
The man says: "You shouldn't take that. You tell him off – go ahead, I'll hold your monkey."

2007-06-16 10:51:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If there are 2 or more people then I will just look at your profile

2007-06-16 10:35:44 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two friends are playing golf at their local course. One is about to chip on to the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes and bows down in prayer.
His friend says: "That is the most touching thing I have ever seen. I never knew you were such a sensitive man."
The man replies: "Yeah, well, we were married for 35 years."

2007-06-16 10:32:34 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde doing cartwheels

2007-06-16 10:10:37 · 18 answers · asked by Krusty 2

A blonde decides one day that she is sick and tired of all these blond jokes, and of how all blondes are perceived as stupid, so she decides to show her husband that blondes really are smart. While her husband is off at work, she decides that she is going to paint a couple of rooms in the house.

The next day, right after her husband leaves for work, she gets down to the task at hand. Her husband arrives home at 5:30 and smells the distinctive smell of paint. He walks into the living room and finds his wife lying on the floor in a pool of sweat.

He notices that she is wearing a ski jacket and a fur coat at the same time. He rushes over and says, "Jeez, are you all right?" She slowly nods her head yes. What are you doing? he asks incredulously.

I wanted to prove that not all blonde women are dumb, she started, and I wanted to do it by painting the house. Well why do you have both a ski jacket and a fur coat on? he asked dumbfounded.

Well, she says, I was reading the directions on the paint can and it said: For best results, put on two coats.

2007-06-16 09:48:52 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a mother-in-law stopped unexpectedly by her son's house after he was recently married. She rang the doorbell and stepped into the house to see her daughter-in-law standing naked in the doorway.

"What are you doing?" the mother-in-law asked.

"I am waiting for my husband to come home from work," the daughter-in-law replied.

"Why are you naked?" asks the mother-in-law.

"This is my love dress, she replied.

"Love dress? You are naked!" says the mother-in-law.

"But my husband loves it when I wear this dress. It makes him happy, and he makes me happy. I would appreciate your leaving now because my husband will be home any minute."

Soured by all of this romantic stuff, the mothr-in-law left. On the way home, she thought about the 'love dress' and got an idea. She undressed, showered, applied her best perfume, and waited by the door for her husband to come home.

Finally the toyota pulled into the driveway, and she took her place by the door.

2007-06-16 09:48:44 · 18 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A blonde is terribly overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds.

When the blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. Why, that's amazing! the doctor says. Did you follow my instructions?

The blonde nods. I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day. From hunger, you mean? asked the doctor. No, from skipping!
_

2007-06-16 09:48:18 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes were in a parking lot trying to unlock the door of their Mercedes with a coat hanger. They tried and tried to get the door open, but they couldn't.

The girl with the coat hanger stopped for a moment to catch her breath, and her friend said anxiously, "Hurry up! It's starting to rain and the top is down."
_
A young man wanted to get his beautiful blonde wife something nice for their first wedding anniversary. So he decides to buy her a cell phone. She is all excited, she loves her phone. He shows her and explains to her all the features on the phone.
The next day the blonde goes shopping. Her phone rings and it's her husband, "Hi hun," he says "how do you like your new phone?"
She replies "I just love, it's so small and your voice is clear as a bell but there's one thing I don't understand though."
"What's that, baby?" asks the husband.
"How did you know I was at Wal- Mart?"
__

2007-06-16 09:44:32 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The loss of engines
Two blondes were flying to Miami from Cleveland. Fifteen minutes into the flight, the captain announced "One of the engines has failed and the flight will be an hour longer. But don't worry we have three engines left".

Thirty minutes later, the captain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be two hours longer. But don't worry we have two engines left".

An hour later the capain announced "One more engine has failed and the flight will be three hours longer. But don't worry we have one engine left".

One blonde looked at the other the other blonde and said "If we lose one more engine, we'll be up here all day".

2007-06-16 09:31:17 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-16 09:18:07 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man goes into a dentists, and keeps running in circles, flapping his arms.
The dentist says, excuse me, what are you doing ?
The man says, I'm a moth, I'm a moth.
The dentist says, but this is a dental surgery.
The man keeps on running in circles, flapping his arms, saying, I'm a moth, I'm a moth.
The dentist says, do you have any problems with your teeth ?
I'm a moth, I'm a moth, says the man.
The dentist says, then why are you here ?
The man replies, you left your light on

2007-06-16 09:15:13 · 9 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

Typical "macho man" marries a typical good-looking lady and after the wedding, lays down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I don't expect any hassle from you!"

"I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you otherwise. I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing, and card-playing when I want with my mates and don't give me a hard time about it! Those are my rules......any comments?"

His new bride matter of factly says, "No, that's fine by me. Just understand one thing........there will be sex at seven o'clock every night - whether you're HOME or not!"

2007-06-16 09:06:19 · 17 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Your mom's breath is so bad I hope terrorists hijack a peppermint plane and crash it into her mouth

2007-06-16 09:05:40 · 11 answers · asked by King of Biscuits 6

The Secret to a Long and Happy Marriage.
A couple was celebrating their golden wedding anniversary on the beaches in Montego Bay, Jamaica. Their domestic tranquility had long been the talk of the town. People would say, "What a peaceful & loving couple".
The local newspaper reporter was inquiring as to the secret of their long and happy marriage.
The Husband replied: "Well, it dates back to our honeymoon in America ," explained the man. "We visited the Grand Canyon, in Arizona ,and took a trip, down to the bottom of the canyon, by horse. We hadn't gone too far when my wife's horse stumbled and she almost fell off. My wife looked down at the horse and quietly said, "That's once."
"We proceeded a little further and horse stumbled again. Once more my wife quietly said, "That's twice."
"We hadn't gone a half-mile when the horse stumbled for the third time. My wife quietly removed a revolver from her purse and shot the horse dead.
I SHOUTED at her, "What's wrong with you, Woman! Why did you shoot the poor animal like that Are you crazy? She looked at ME, and quietly said, "That's once."

"And from that moment.....we have lived happily every after."

2007-06-16 08:57:12 · 22 answers · asked by sheriff fatman 2

In the urbanism and moral class the teacher asks "If you are in a fine dining with a lady and you need to go to the bathroom, How do you do it in a proper way? Let see Carl, What would you say?" "I got it go to pee" he says. "Very wrong" The teacher says, "Let see Charles, And you?" Excuse me one second, but I have to go to the bathroom and I'll be back right away." says Charles. "A lot better, but the word 'bathroom' shouldn't be use in the dining table." "Let see Little John, and please, this time don't say a barbarism this." After thinking for a while Little John says "Excuse me my darling, but I have to go to salute a close friend of mine, whith whom, hopefully, I'll introduce you with after diner."

What a nice manners.

2007-06-16 08:49:44 · 9 answers · asked by Javy 7

vdxz

2007-06-16 08:44:28 · 8 answers · asked by LORD EKBERG 1

2007-06-16 08:13:53 · 19 answers · asked by The Unknown Soldier 6

Old Bert was living in a retirement home and he met Betty who he fancied a bit, so he chats her up and eventually get's her back to his room where they get jiggy on the sofa. Betty tries to explain that she has a medical problem a touch of arthritis "That's OK " he says "as long as it's not a heart condition .Bert decides he's going to go south and while he's there he find's there's the most disgusting smell he's ever smelled but he carries on as his taste buds ain't what they used to be.When he comes up he mentioned the smell and she say's "I tried to explain, I have arthritis in my shoulder and I can't wipe my @rse."

2007-06-16 07:53:00 · 6 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

yellow eye looks at green eye from above

2007-06-16 07:42:12 · 8 answers · asked by sweetswan2007 2