Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A: Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper

2007-06-15 16:54:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

how many of you have actually watched, seen or looked at porn... HONESTLY

2007-06-15 16:39:57 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

sporting goods store to buy a rifle. "It's for my husband," she tells the clerk.

"Did he tell you what gauge to get?" asked the clerk.

"Are you kidding?" she says. "He doesn't even know that I'm going to shoot him!"
.........................


2
Wife: "Why can't my mother move in with us?"

Husband: "Because the Bible says I can't!"

Wife: "Show me where it says that!"

Husband: "Right here, see. No man can serve two masters!"

2007-06-15 16:14:32 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

1. A barrel of water weighs 20 pounds. What must you add to it to make it weigh 12 pounds?
2. A farmer had 17 sheep. All but 9 died. How many were left?
3. Who is a father's child and a mother's child, yet nobody's son?
4. A man builds a hous with all 4 sides facing south. A bear goes by the house. What color is the bear?
5. A railroad crossing, look for the cars. Can you spell that without any r's?
6. A woman had sons who were born at the same time on the same year, but they were not twins. How is this so?
7. A man rode into town on his horse. He arrived on Friday, stayed only 3 days, and left on Friday. How is this possible?
8. Can a man legally marry his widow's sister in California?

2007-06-15 16:12:23 · 9 answers · asked by Cali Girl 3

Just a joke calm down

2007-06-15 15:29:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

lately, it seems like every other riddle is "the world's hardest riddle" (below) and i'm getting really sick of it... am i the only one? will everyone PLEASE STOP POSTING IT!!??


I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-06-15 15:14:59 · 16 answers · asked by cast.no.shadow 5

There is not one dirty word in it,

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to
use a surrogate father to start their family. On the day the
proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife goodbye and
said, "Well, I'm off now. The man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby
photographer happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.
"Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to..."

"Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've
been expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's good.
Did you know babies are my specialty?"

"Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and
have a seat".

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"

"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub,
one on the couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes
the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."

"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for
Harry and me!"

"Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time.
But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or
seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."

"My, that's a lot!", gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to
be in and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be
disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a
portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a
bus," he said.

"Oh, my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.

"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you
consider their mother was so difficult to work with."

"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so. I finally had to take her to the park to
get the job done right. People were crowding around four and
five deep to get a good look"

"Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with
amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours,
too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could
hardly concentrate, and when darkness approached I had to rush
my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my
equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on
your, uh...equipment? "

"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my
tripod and we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?"

"Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's
much too big to be held in the hand very long."

Mrs. Smith fainted!!!!

2007-06-15 14:06:57 · 11 answers · asked by si_kleeg 3

http://www.thisjustin.com/2007/06/06/wiretapped-lindsay-lohan-and-vanessa-minillo-knife-edition/

It's about the "knife incident". It was on MSN. Watch it and tell me what you think.

2007-06-15 14:00:28 · 8 answers · asked by k-ma; <3 3

Two fellows in Oklahoma were sitting around on a porch, talking one sunny afternoon...

After a while the first fellow says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while you was off huntin' and she got pregnant and had a baby, would that make us kin?"

The second fellow crooked his head sideways for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes and thought real hard about the question.

Finally, he says, "Well, I don't know about that, but, it sure would make us even."

2007-06-15 13:43:49 · 5 answers · asked by si_kleeg 3

Jim and his wife had just driven in to the supermarket car park when their car broke down.
Jim told his wife to carry on with the shopping while he fixed the car. His wife returned later to see a small group of people near the car. On closer inspection, she saw a pair of male legs protruding from under the chassis. Although the man was in shorts, his lack of underpants turned private parts into glaringly public ones. :(
Unable to stand the embarrassment, she dutifully stepped forward, quickly put her hand UP his shorts, and tucked everything back into place. On regaining her feet, she looked across the bonnet and found herself staring at her husband Jim, who was idly standing by. The mechanic, however, had to have three stitches in his forehead and the smile wiped off his face.

2007-06-15 13:43:28 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

The virgin girl is on the phone and asks her boyfriend to come

over and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a

big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that

after dinner, she would like to go out and make love

for the first time.

* * * * * * * * *

Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex

before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get

some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and

the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.

He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and

sex.

* * * * * * * * *

At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many

condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family

pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he

thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.

* * * * * * * * *

That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents

house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm

so excited for you to meet my parents, come on in!"

* * * * * * * * *

The boy goes inside and is taken to the dinner table

where the girl's parents are seated. The boy quickly

offers to say grace and bows his head.

* * * * * * * * *

A minute passes, and the boy is still deep in prayer,

with his head down.

* * * * * * * * *

10 minutes pass, and still no movement from the boy.

* * * * * * * * *

Finally, after 20 minutes with his head down, the

girlfriend leans over and whispers to the

boyfriend, "I had no idea you were this religious."

* * * * * * * *

The boy turns, and whispers back, "I had no idea your

father was a pharmacist."

2007-06-15 13:30:49 · 14 answers · asked by birdman3169 1

Meanwhile, Donald sits on the edge of the bed, eagerly anticipating a night of passion.

At long last, Daisy emerges from the bathroom and joins Donald on the bed. Inflamed with passion, Donald leaps on his new bride.

"Hang on, says Daisy, do you have a condom?"

"No, replies Donald, didn't think I needed one."

"Well you'd better get one, because we're not doing it without, Daisy retorts."

"Where will I get one at this time of night, moans Donald?"

"Try the reception downstairs, suggests Daisy, coldly."

Muttering to himself, Donald waddles downstairs to the reception and says to the young lady at the desk,
"This is a bit embarrassing, but do you have such a thing as a condom?"

"Certainly sir, she replies, we keep a stock for just such emergencies."

She produces the desired item and hands it to Donald.
As he is walking off, the girl calls,
"Excuse me sir, but would you like me to put it on your bill?"

"What kind of duck do you think I am?" rasps Donald

2007-06-15 13:22:40 · 16 answers · asked by trasosmontes 4

Church Bells
On hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away, Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old grandmother and comfort her.

When she asked how her grandfather had died, her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years old having sex would surely be asking for trouble.

"Oh no, my dear, " replied granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in on the Ding and out on the Dong."

She paused, wiped away a tear and then continued, "And if that damned ice cream truck hadn't come along, he'd still be alive today!"

-------------------------
A guy walks into his doctor's office and says, "Ddddoc, I've bbbeen sssttttuttering ffor yyears and III'm tired of

2007-06-15 13:18:08 · 9 answers · asked by enchantress 3

A buisnessman enters a tavern, sits down at the bar and orders a double vodka on the rocks.

After he finishes the drink, he peeks inside his shirt pocket then he orders the bartender to prepare another double vodka. After he finishes that one, he again peeks inside his shirt pocket and orders the bartender to bring him another double vodka.

The bartender says, "Look buddy, I`ll bring ya` vodkas all night long. But you gotta tell me why you look inside your shirt pocket before you order a refill.?"

The customer replies, "Im peeking at a photo of my wife. When she starts to look good, then i know its time to go home.!!"

2007-06-15 12:51:18 · 21 answers · asked by ruthiebaby 2

What do Laundry hampers and britney spears have in common?

2007-06-15 12:42:12 · 23 answers · asked by kjlfadjflakjfslkfjsklf 2

Penis Study
In 1993, the American Government funded a study to see why the Head of a Penis was bigger than the rest of it.
After one year and $180,000.00, they concluded that the reason the head was larger than the shaft was to give the man more pleasure during sex.

After the US published the study, France decided to do their own. After $250,000.00, and 3 years of research, they concluded that the reason was to give the woman more pleasure during sex.

Poland, unsatisfied with these findings, conducted their own study. After 2 weeks and a cost of around $75.46, they concluded that it was to keep a man's hand from flying off and hitting him in the forehead.

2007-06-15 12:21:37 · 9 answers · asked by cgpearman 1

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

plz help me out
fastest correct awnser gets da points <3

2007-06-15 11:58:45 · 8 answers · asked by italianonikki 2

Football FINALLY makes sense......... A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right
behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked theexperience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles,but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game,all they kept screaming was: 'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!'
I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents!!!!

2007-06-15 11:54:12 · 11 answers · asked by cgpearman 1

there are 3 words in the english language that end in "gry"... they are hungry, angry, and one other... what is it?

and I like to consider myself quite proficient in english but i do not know the answer. and i have been wondering for year. TELL ME!!

2007-06-15 11:46:57 · 14 answers · asked by 1 Hott Mami 4

A dietician was once addressing a large audience in Chicago. "The material we put into our stomachs is enough to have killed most of us sitting here, years ago. Red meat is awful. Vegetables can be disastrous, and none of us realizes the germs in our drinking water. But there is one thing that is the most dangerous of all and we all of us eat it. Can anyone here tell me what lethal product I'm referring to? You, sir, in the first row, please give us your idea."

The man lowered his head and said, "Wedding cake."

2007-06-15 11:46:30 · 10 answers · asked by Hope 6

2007-06-15 11:43:22 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blond a brunette and a redhead are sitting at work and eating peanut butter and jelly sandwiches. the redhead says:
"I hate pb&j if my husband makes me one more pb&j sandwich I Jump off the empire state building."
The blond and brunette both agree that tomorrow if their husbands make them pb&js they'll jump off the empire state building. So the next day they had pb&js for lunch and they all jumped off the empire state building after writing a note explaining their deaths. At the funeral, the redhead and brunette's husbands are crying and shouting things like "If only I had known! and Why didn't she say anything?" when the blond's husband says after reading the note, "That's strange. She makes her own lunch."

2007-06-15 11:42:59 · 6 answers · asked by fanatic 3

rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!" So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said: SLOW--SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign: SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY
That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks. Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?" The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain.

The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John. Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call. "How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..." So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:
NUDIST COLONY

GO SLOW AND WATCH OUT FOR THE CHICKS

2007-06-15 11:36:31 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Proud Texan Father
A Texan bought a round of drinks for all in the bar and said that his wife had just produced "a typical Texas baby" weighing twenty pounds.

Two weeks later he returned to the bar. The bartender recognized him and asked, "Aren't you the father of the typical Texas baby that weighed twenty pounds at birth?"

"Yup, shore am!"

"How much does he weigh now?"

The proud father answered, "Ten pounds."

The bartender said, "Why, what happened? He did weigh twenty pounds."

The proud Texas father said, "Jest had him circumcised!"
_____________________

A Really Bad Day
There was this guy at a bar, just looking at his drink. He stays like that for half of an hour.

Then, this big trouble-making truck driver steps next to him, takes the drink from the guy, and just drinks it all down. The poor man starts crying. The truck driver says, "Come on man, I was just joking. Here, I'll buy you another drink. I just can't stand to see a man cry."

2007-06-15 11:27:08 · 6 answers · asked by enchantress 3

what do kodak and woody allen have in common?????
1st to answer wins best answer

2007-06-15 11:26:32 · 11 answers · asked by erin_foss8191@sbcglobal.net 3

ceiling?

2007-06-15 11:24:17 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Some of you have heard this one, I'm sure. It's on one of the Die Hard movies. There's 2 ways to do it, so get both of them.

Suppose you have two jugs that have exact capacities of 3 and 5 gallons and you have all the water you'll need to do the following task. The idea is to transfer water back and forth between just those two jugs or empty them as necessary to end up with exactly 4 gallons of water in the 5-gallon jug. It has to be exact, not an ounce more or less. Once again, there's two ways to do it - either starting by filling the 3-gallon jug or by starting with filling the 5-gallon jug.

2007-06-15 11:16:56 · 6 answers · asked by Ben 2

An old lady was becoming lonely, so she decides to go to the pet store and buy a companion. The clerk suggests a parrot, as they can be taught to talk.

She takes the parrot home, and tells it, "Say hello."

The parrot replies, "SHH**T!!"

The old woman is shocked and says, "If you say sh*t again i'm putting you in fridge!! Now....say 'Hello'"

"SHH***T!"

The parrot is in the fridge, shivering with cold.......

The old lady takes him out and says, "There! Maybe now you've learned your lesson! Say 'Hello' or you're going in the freezer."

"SSHH***T!"

The parrot goes into the freezer. He shivers and sqwaks, trying to keep warm. He turns around........and then everything is silent.

The old woman is kind of worried and so she takes him out.

The parrot says, "I am so sorry for the rudeness that I have shown you, dear dear master. But may I ask you one thing please......?

What did the turkey do?"

"

2007-06-15 11:06:27 · 15 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Four expectant fathers were in a Minneapolis hospital waiting room, while their wives were in labor.

The nurse arrived and announced to the first man, "Congratulations sir, you're the father of twins."

"What a coincidence!" the man said with some obvious pride. "I work for the Minnesota Twins baseball team."

The nurse returned in a little while and turned to the second man, "You, sir, are the father of triplets."

"Wow, that's really an incredible coincidence," he answered. "I work for the 3M Corporation. My buddies at work will never let me live this one down."

An hour later, while the other two men were passing cigars around, the nurse came back. This time, she turned to the third man, who had been quiet in the corner. She announced that his wife had just given birth to quadruplets. Stunned, he barely could reply.

"Don't tell me another coincidence?" asked the nurse.

After finally regaining his composure, he said, "I don't believe it, I work for the Four Seasons Hotel."

After hearing this, everybody's attention turned to the fourth guy, who had just fainted, flat out on the floor. The nurse rushed to his side and, after some time, he slowly gained back his consciousness.

The nurse asked, "Sir, are you all right?"

"Yes" says the man, "I'm o.k. now. I just had a shocking thought. I work at the 7-11 Store."

2007-06-15 10:55:04 · 26 answers · asked by Hope 6

I have had a hard day....... so I want something to cheer me up

2007-06-15 10:53:05 · 4 answers · asked by Lilly 3