Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Crazy mike walks into a pharmacy and says to the pharmacist,
"Listen,I have three girls coming over tonight. I've never had
three girls at once,and I need something to keep me horny ,,,
keep me potent."

The pharmacist reaches under the counter, unlocks the bottom
drawer and takes out a small cardboard box marked with a label
"Viagra Extra Strength" and says, "Here, if you eat this, you'll
go nuts for 12 hours!"

Then Crazy Mike says, "Gimme 3 boxes."

The next day, crazy mike walks into the same pharmacy, right
up to the same pharmacist and pulls down his pants. The
pharmacist looks in horror as he notices the man's penis is black
and blue,and the skin is hanging off in some places.

Crazy Mike says, "gimme a bottle of Ben Gay,"

The pharmacist replies, "Ben Gay?!?!?! you're not going to put
Ben Gay on that are you?" Crazy Mike says, "No, it's for my arms,
The girls didn't show up.

2007-06-14 13:21:48 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde went to eletronic store and she asked, "How is much is this TV?"
The salesman said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a brunette. She asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry, we don''t sell to blondes."

The next day she came back as a red head and asked the salesman how much the TV was. He said, "Sorry we don''t sell to blondes."

She replied, " I came in here as a brunette and a red head. How do you know I am a blonde?"
"Because that is not a TV, it''s a microwave."

2007-06-14 13:14:17 · 31 answers · asked by Yisi 3

Santa was very cross. It was Christmas Eve and NOTHING was going right.
Mrs. Claus had burned all the cookies. The elves were complaining about not getting paid for the overtime they had worked making toys, and were threatening to go on strike. The reindeer had been drinking eggnog all afternoon. To make matters worse, a few of the other elves had taken the sleigh out for a spin earlier in the day and had crashed it into a tree.
Santa was furious. "I can't believe it! I've got to deliver millions of presents all over the world in just a few hours, and all of my reindeer are drunk, the elves are walking out, and I don't even have a Christmas tree! I sent that stupid little angel out HOURS ago to find a tree and he isn't even back yet! What am I going to do?"
Just then, the little angel opened the front door and stepped in from the snowy night, dragging a Christmas tree. The angel said, "Yo, fat man! Where do you want me to stick the tree this year?"

2007-06-14 13:09:25 · 13 answers · asked by Yisi 3

While on vacation a married couple walked into a shoe store. The salesman said to them, "I have some very special Jamaican sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was.

The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Mon." So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, "You got dem on the wrong feet! "You got dem on the wrong feet!"

2007-06-14 13:08:09 · 8 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

tell me a good joke?
i'm lookin' 4 sum funny & fresh stuff i can post on my 360
i'll be sure to let everyone know who it's by.
also websites r fine too!
P.S. best answer gets 10 BIG ones!!!

2007-06-14 13:06:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

This hippie walks into a bar, and thinks it's a restaurant. He walks up to the counter, and says to the barkeep, "I want a hot dog, not too hot, not too cold, but in the groove."

So the barkeep walks into the back room, and tells this to the manager, who is in a bad mood. The manager says, "Well, give him whatever he wants, then get him out of here."

The barkeep heads back into the main room, posing as a waiter. "Anything else," he questions. The hippie replies, "Yeah, I want a milkshake, not too thick, not too thin, but in the groove."

Again, the barkeep relays this to his manager, who is getting more frusterated as the night goes on. He yells, "Fine, I already told you, give him what he wants and get him out of here!"

So the barkeep returns to the hippie. "That was a hot dog and a milkshake, right?" "Yeah," the hippie says, "but scratch the hot dog. I want a hamburger, not to rare, not too well-done, but in the groove."

The barkeep relays this to the manager, who has finally had enough. He storms out of the back room, and bellows at the hippie.

"You can kiss my ***! Not on the left cheek, and not on the right cheek, but in the groove!!"

2007-06-14 13:01:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

While she was "flying" down the road yesterday (10 miles over the limit), a woman passed over a bridge only to find a cop with a radar gun on the other side lying in wait.
The cop pulled her over, walked up to the car, and with that classic patronizing smirk we all know and love, asked, "What's your hurry?"
To which she replied, "I'm late for work."
"Oh yeah," said the cop, "what do you do?"
"I'm a rectum stretcher," she responded.
The cop stammered, "A what? A rectum stretcher? And just what does a rectum stretcher do?"
"Well," she said, "I start by inserting one finger, then I work my way up to two fingers, then three, then four, then with my whole hand in. I work from side to side
until I can get both hands in, and then I slowly but surely stretch, until it's about 6 feet wide."
"And just what the hell do you do with a 6 foot a**hole?" he asked.
"You give him a radar gun and park him behind a bridge..."

Traffic Ticket..... £95.00
Cops face....priceless!

2007-06-14 12:37:36 · 21 answers · asked by ? 5

Star if Funny, lol

There once was an Indian who had only one testicle, and whose given
name was 'Onestone'.
He hated that name and asked everyone not to call him Onestone.
After years and years of torment, Onestone finally cracked and said,
"If anyone calls me Onestone again I will kill them!"
The word got around and nobody called him that any more.
Then one day a young woman named Blue Bird forgot and said, "Good
morning, Onestone."
He jumped up, grabbed her and took her deep into the forest where he
made love to her all day and all night.
He made love to her all the next day, until Blue Bird died from
exhaustion.
The word got around that Onestone meant what he promised he would do.
Years went by and no one dared call him by his given name until a woman named Yellow Bird returned to the village after being away.
Yellow Bird, who was Blue Bird's cousin, was overjoyed when she saw
Onestone.
She hugged him and said, "Good to see you, Onestone."
Onestone grabbed her, took her deep into the forest, then he made love to her all day, made love to her all night, made love to her all the next day, made love to her all the next night, but Yellow Bird wouldn't die!


Moral of the story “You can’t kill two birds with one stone”

lol

2007-06-14 12:35:52 · 33 answers · asked by This, That & such 5

I made up the punchline.

Please rate on laughter scale, 1-10:
1= Cheeseball
10= Sidesplitting
------------------------

Joke: Where did the fish wear his underwear?

Answer: On his Bass!

2007-06-14 12:35:43 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow’s final exam. “Now class, I
won’t tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.
I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury, illness, or
a death in your immediate family, but that’s it, no other excuses
whatsoever!” A smart-*** guy in the back of the room raised his hand and
asked, “What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete
and utter sexual exhaustion?” The entire class is reduced to laughter and
snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the
student, shakes her head and sweetly says, “Well, I guess you’d have to
write the exam with your other hand.”

2007-06-14 12:34:21 · 7 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

2007-06-14 12:28:12 · 12 answers · asked by Hot Coco Puff 7

Okay this is sorta easy if you have heard this before. But here it goes.

Why did the ghost wanna join the soccer team?

2007-06-14 12:23:29 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks INTO a psychiatrist's office covered only in Saran Wrap. He says to the doctor, "I've felt so weird lately, Doc, can you tell me what's wrong?"

The doctor replied, "Well, I can clearly see your nuts!"

2007-06-14 12:20:14 · 6 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

Once upon a time there lived a woman who had a maddening passion for baked beans. She loved them but unfortunately they had always had a very embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction to her. Then one day she met a guy and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry she thought to herself, " He is so sweet and gentlemanly, he would never go for this carrying on." So she made the supreme sacrifice, and gave up the beans. Some months later, her car broke down on the way home from work. Since she lived in the country she called her husband and told him that she would be late because she had to walk home. On her way she passed a small diner and the odor of the baked beans was more than she could stand. Since she still had miles to walk, she figured that she would walk off any ill effects by the time she reached home. So, she stopped at the diner and before she knew it, she had consumed three large orders of baked beans. All the way home she putt-putted. And upon arriving home she felt reasonably sure she could control it. Her husband seemed excited to see her and exclaimed delightedly, "Darling, I have a surprise for dinner tonight." He then blindfolded her and led her to her chair at the table. She seated herself and just as he was about to remove the blindfold from his wife, the telephone rang. He made her promise not to touch the blindfold until he returned. He then went to answer the phone. The baked beans she had consumed were still affecting her and the pressure was becoming almost unbearable, so while her husband was out of the room she seized the opportunity, shifted her weight to one leg and let it go. It was not only loud, but it smelled like a fertilizer truck running over a skunk in front of pulpwood mill. She took her napkin and fanned the air around her vigorously. Then, she shifted to the other cheek and ripped three more, which reminded her of cooked cabbage. Keeping her ears tuned to the conversation in the other room, she went on like this for another ten minutes. When the phone farewells signaled the end of her freedom, she fanned the air a few more times with her napkin, placed it on her lap and folded her hands upon it, smiling contentedly to herself. She was the picture of innocence when her husband returned, apologizing for taking so long, he asked her if she peeked, and she assured him that she had not. At this point, he removed the blindfold, and she was surprised!! There were twelve dinner guests seated around the table to wish her a "Happy Birthday"!!!

2007-06-14 12:04:22 · 19 answers · asked by pbandj 5

recently i had my visa card stolen. Now it's everywhere I wanna be.

2007-06-14 12:03:10 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old woman been married to her husband for 53 years. Was sick by her bed all her life she kept no secrets from her husbane except for a wooden shoe box.
The husbane brought the shoe box to her and she agreed it was time to reveal what was in it
He found 2 crochet dolls and $8000
What are the dolls. When my mum, said when you feel mad at him instead of blowing your stack go into the back room and croche a doll, petty good he thought only 2 fights in 53 years.
that explains the dolls what about the money.
That all the money I made selling the dolls

2007-06-14 12:02:19 · 5 answers · asked by jobees 6

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-06-14 11:32:53 · 26 answers · asked by jessica 2

The taco bell chihuahua, a Doberman and a bull dog are at a doggie bar having a drink when a very nice looking collie comes up to them and say's,"whoever can say "liver"and 'cheese' in a sentence can be my top dog.
"So the doberman says,"i love liver and cheese."
The collie say's, sorry, that's not good enough."the bull dog say's,"ill have liver and cheese,please,"
the collie say's that not creative enough."Finally the chihuahua says,"Liver alone--------cheese mine."

2007-06-14 11:31:20 · 10 answers · asked by "!" 5

St. Peter was checking the gate beween Heaven and Hell and found a broken hinge. He walked over to the "Pit" and called to the Devil...The Devil says, "Yeah, whaddya want..?", St. Peter: "The hinge is broken and it's your turn to fix it.." . The Devil retorted: "Gee, I am a bit busy and don't have anyone available for this.." , St. Peter got angry, "Look, we have an agreement, and it's your turn to fix the gate..!" , The Devil responded, "Sorry Pete, it's our peak season and there just isn't anyone available..." St. Peter turned red and exclaimed..."Ok, if that's the way you want it, we'll sue..!" A big grin broke out on the Devil's face, "Oh yeah, and just where are you going to find a lawyer...?!"

2007-06-14 11:30:50 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two elderly gentlemen from a retirement centre were sitting on a bench under a tree when one turns to the other and says: "Slim, I'm 83 years old now and I'm just full of aches and pains. I know you're about my age.
How do you feel?"
Slim says, "I feel just like a newborn baby."
"Really!! ? Like a newborn baby!?"
"Yep. No hair, no teeth, and I think I just wet my pants."

2007-06-14 11:07:20 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

what time, sonia had a husband. his name was gosh. well, really it was josh but she calls him gosh. one time, sonia was told gosh won 6000 dollars from the lottery. when he came home, she said ,'' OH MY GOSH!!!!''

2007-06-14 11:06:17 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's a month past Christmas Time, and Brian and his mates are down at the local pub. They are discussing football and then one of them wonders about their physique.
'Don't you think we ought to join a gym or summat, lads? After Christmas, everyone's so unfit,' Says Bob, Brian's mate.
'What ye talkin' about? I'm fitter than all o' ye!' Says Mick.
'You're all idiots - I'M THE FITTEST!' Says Brian.
His friends stare in bewilderment.
'WHAT? Walkin' up the stairs to the bar nearly f****n KILLS YE!' Bob says.
'Aye, whatever. Anyway, I'm fitter than all o' you. My doctor says I've the feet of an Olympian.' Says Brian.
'That was ATHLETE's FOOT, Brian, you daft b*****d!' Says Bob.
'Aye, so what's the difference?' Asks Brian.
'Bugger me.' Says Mick.

....What do you think? Terrible, huh? But it's one I thought up myself.

2007-06-14 11:03:10 · 8 answers · asked by Alasdair 1

Jack and Jill went up the hil, they each had a buck and a quarter. Jill came down with $2.50. Do you think they went up for water?

2007-06-14 10:50:22 · 4 answers · asked by Gardner? 6

A drunk was staggering down the main street of town. Somehow, he managed to make it up the stairs to the cathedral and into the building, where he crashed from pew to pew. He finally made his way to a side aisle and into a confessional. A priest had been observing the man's sorry progress. Figuring the fellow was in need of some assistance, he proceeded to enter his side of the confessional. His attention was rewarded only by a lengthy silence. Finally he asked, "May I help you, my son?" "I dunno." came the drunk's voice from behind the partition. "You got any toilet paper on your side?"

2007-06-14 10:45:02 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as it was on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, "Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but nothing. Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing. We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezing' it between her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yes, none of us could get the jar open."











....What were you thinking?

2007-06-14 10:33:01 · 6 answers · asked by ohio_mike 2

________ _____ ________

fill in the blanks

2007-06-14 10:30:42 · 13 answers · asked by Jody SweetG 5

Apple announced today that it has developed a device that can store and play music in women's breast implants. Apple has incorporated the technology into the iBoob, which will cost $499.

This is considered to be a major breakthrough, because women are always complaining about men not listening to them, but staring at their breasts. Thanks to Apple, everyone is now happy.

2007-06-14 10:28:08 · 3 answers · asked by ohio_mike 2

A 4 year old boy was asked to give the meal a blessing before christmas dinner.
The family members bowed their heads in expectation.
he began his prayer, thanking god for all his friends,naming them one by one,#then he thanked god for mummy and daddy,then his brother ,sister,nan'a and grand'pop's,and his aunt and uncles.
Then he began to thank god for the food.he gave thank's for the turkey, the dressings, The fruit salad,the cranberry sauce,the pudding and the brandy butter.
Then he paused,everyone waited.after a long silence,the young boy looked up at his mum and asked,"if i thank god for the brusselsprouts, wont god know im lying?"

2007-06-14 10:06:52 · 14 answers · asked by "!" 5

A girl came skipping home from school one day. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were counting today, and all the other kids could only count to four, but I counted to 10. See? 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9, 10!" Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde?" the girl said. "Yes, it's because you're blonde," said the mommy.
The next day the girl came skipping home from school. "Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were saying the alphabet today, and all the other kids could only say it to D, but I said it to G. See? A, B, C, D, E, F, G!" "Very good," said her mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, Mommy?" "Yes it's because you're blonde."
The next, the girl came home from school. Mommy, Mommy," she yelled, "we were in gym class today, and when we showered, all the other girls had flat chests, but I have these!" And she lifted her shirt to reveal a pair of 36Cs. "Very good," said her embarrassed mother. "Is it because I'm blonde, mommy?" "No Honey,it's because you're 24."

2007-06-14 10:05:04 · 22 answers · asked by Victoria :) 2

One day a person tells his sagittarius friend that somebody is having sex with your wife. so he runs to his house and into his room that his wife was having sex and the men came back out of the room and he stars laughing and he said"i never saw mikes aas before

2007-06-14 09:59:43 · 6 answers · asked by lily girl 1