Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

The Smiths were unable to conceive children and decided to use a surrogate father to start their family.

On the day the proxy father was to arrive, Mr. Smith kissed his wife
goodbye and said, "Well, I'm off now; the man should be here soon."

Half an hour later, just by chance, a door-to-door baby photographer
happened to ring the doorbell, hoping to make a sale.

Good morning, Ma'am", he said, "I've come to...''
Oh, no need to explain," Mrs. Smith cut in, embarrassed, "I've been
expecting you."

"Have you really?" said the photographer. "Well, that's goo d. Did you
know babies are my specialty?" "Well that's what my husband and I had hoped. Please come in and have a seat"

After a moment she asked, blushing, "Well, where do we start?"
"Leave everything to me. I usually try two in the bathtub, one on the
couch, and perhaps a couple on the bed. And sometimes the living room floor is fun. You can really spread out there."
"Bathtub, living room floor? No wonder it didn't work out for Harry and
me!"

Well, Ma'am, none of us can guarantee a good one every time. But if we try several different positions and I shoot from six or seven angles, I'm sure you'll be pleased with the results."
"My, that's a lot!" gasped Mrs. Smith.

"Ma'am, in my line of work a man has to take his time. I'd love to be in
and out in five minutes, but I'm sure you'd be disappointed with that."

"Don't I know it," said Mrs. Smith quietly.

The photographer opened his briefcase and pulled out a portfolio of his baby pictures. "This was done on the top of a bus," he said.
"Oh my God!" Mrs. Smith exclaimed, grasping at her throat.
"And these twins turned out exceptionally well - when you consider their mother was so difficult to work with."
"She was difficult?" asked Mrs. Smith.

"Yes, I'm afraid so I finally had to take her to the par k to get the job
done right. People were crowding around four and five deep to get a good look." "Four and five deep?" said Mrs. Smith, her eyes wide with amazement.

"Yes", the photographer replied. "And for more than three hours, too. The mother was constantly squealing and yelling - I could hardly concentrate,and when darkness approached I had to rush my shots. Finally, when the squirrels began nibbling on my equipment, I just had to pack it all in."

Mrs. Smith leaned forward. "Do you mean they actually chewed on your, uh equipment?"
"It's true, Ma'am, yes.. Well, if you're ready, I'll set-up my tripod and
we can get to work right away."

"Tripod?" " Oh yes, Ma'am. I need to use a tripod to rest my Canon on. It's much too big to be held in the hand very long."
>> Mrs. Smith fainted.........

2007-06-14 04:23:14 · 35 answers · asked by Tony T 4

The doctor requested a sperm sample from an 85-year-old man as part of
his physical exam.

The doctor gave the man a jar and said, "Take this jar home and bring
back a semen sample tomorrow."

The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and
gave him the jar, which was as clean And empty as on the previous day.

The doctor asked what happened and the man explained:

"Well, doc, it's like this - first I tried with my right hand, but
Nothing.

Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing.
Then I asked my
Wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then with her left, Still
nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with
her teeth out, still nothing.

We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first
with both hands, then an armpit, And she even tried squeezin' it
between
her knees, but still nothing.

The doctor was shocked! "You even asked your neighbor?"

The old man replied, "Yep. And none of us could get the jar open".

2007-06-14 04:01:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

one night a man comes home from work at night in the mood so he goes into his room and sees his wife under the covers im going to surprise he says so he sneaks under the covers opens her legs and starts eating. for like 10min then he tells her ill be back im going to the bathroom. When he walks into the bathroom he sees his wife drying herself. Baby what you doing in here I thought you were in bed. No honey my mom came by for the weekend

2007-06-14 03:15:52 · 13 answers · asked by BrooklynNY 2

kk here is a joke I just came up with am having a really bad time thinking them up at the moment so if its bad say so but dont flame cos not every joke is funny here goes

"does anyone else where socks when you're having sex"? "there like back up condoms"

Personally I think it could be funny but needs tweaking what are your opinions?

2007-06-14 02:08:29 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

While visiting England, George Bush is invited to tea with the Queen. He asks her what her leadership philosophy is. She says that it is to surround herself with intelligent people.

Bush asks how she knows if they're intelligent.

"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Queen. "Allow me to demonstrate."

Bush watches as the Queen phones Tony Blair and says, "Mr. Prime Minister, please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"

Tony Blair responds, "It's me, ma'am."

"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Queen. She hangs up and says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?"

Bush nods: "Yes ma'am. Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!"

Bush, upon returning to Washington, decides he'd better put the Chairman of the Senate Foreign Relations Committee to the test. Bush summons Jesse Helms to the White House and says, "Senator Helms, I wonder if you can answer a question for me."

"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"

Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Helms hems and haws and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back to you?"

Bush agrees, and Helms leaves. He immediately calls a meeting of other senior Republican senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours, but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Helms calls Colin Powell at the State Department and explains his problem.

"Now look here, son, your mother has a child, and your father has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"

Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."

Much relieved, Helms rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush, and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know who it is! It's Colin Powell!"

And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, you dumb ****, it's Tony Blair!"

2007-06-14 02:00:54 · 9 answers · asked by amanda_bbgd182 3

a doughnut!!

d'ya love it?

2007-06-14 01:55:19 · 10 answers · asked by zena B 1

a Rainbow!
d'ya love it?

2007-06-14 01:51:37 · 8 answers · asked by zena B 1

if 11 cats have 5 kittens each and all of the cats go to see another 33 cats how many cats are ther ethe first one to get the wright answer gets thumbs up and 10 points.

2007-06-14 01:35:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-14 01:34:08 · 13 answers · asked by Val 3

i have a little problem this thing came out of no were this morning it was round and fluffy and kept maken wired noises,
i havent got a clue what it is but its found a way into my home what is it?
any answers are wellcome no matter how funny or crazy it is.

2007-06-14 01:08:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

he spent all his weekends near the river or lake, paying no attention to weather. One Sunday, early in the morning, he went to the river, as usual. It was cold and raining, so he decided to return back to his house. He came in, went to his bedroom, undressed and laid near his wife.

"What a terrible weather today honey," he said to her.

"Yes. And my idiot husband went fishing!"
.........

A man wakes up his wife during the night with a glass of water in one hand and two aspirins in the other. She asks, "What's this for?"

"This is for your headache," he says.

She says, "But I don't have a headache."

He smiles and says, "Gotcha!"
........
FOR SALE BY OWNER
Complete set of Encyclopedia Britannica. 45 volumes. Excellent condition. $1,000.00 or best offer. No longer needed. Got married . Wife knows everything.

2007-06-14 01:06:05 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 3

mothering sunday.The first golfer said he bought his wife a diamond ring,she was so delighted she let him go,the second golfer said he bought his wife a dozen red roses ,she let him go.The third golfer said he woke up ,broke enormous amounts of wind,scratched his behind,and turned to his wife belched and said.Golf course or intercourse?She blinked and replied,i,ll put your clubs in the car

2007-06-14 01:04:26 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Erotic and kinky ?

Erotic is using a feather. Kinky is using the whole chicken

;-)
So I've heard!!

2007-06-14 00:47:07 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A husband and wife went to the fairgrounds.
The wife wanted to go on the Ferris wheel,
but the husband wasn't comfortable with that. So the wife went on the ride by herself.

The wheel went round and round and suddenly the wife was thrown out and landed in a heap at her husband's feet.
"Are you hurt?" he asked.
"Of course I'm hurt!" she replied. "Three times around and you didn't wave once!"

;-)

2007-06-14 00:42:42 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

s-ex therapist's office. The doctor asked, "What can I do for you?"

The man said, "Will you watch us have do it?" The doctor looked puzzled, but agreed. The doctor examined them and then directed them to disrobe and go at it.

When the couple finished, the doctor reexamined them and, upon completion, advised the couple, "There's nothing wrong with the way you do it." He then charged them $32.

This happened several weeks in a row. The couple would make an appointment, have sex with no apparent problems , get dressed, pay the doctor, and then leave.

Finally after almost two months of this routine, the doctor asked, "Just exactly what are you trying to find out?"

The man said, "Oh, we're not trying to find out anything. She's married and we can't go to her house. I'm married, so we can't go to my house. The Holiday Inn charges $60. The Hilton charges $78. We do it here for $32 and I get $28 back from Medicare."

2007-06-14 00:33:04 · 12 answers · asked by Conan 3

I missed you, by the way you look lovely today, have you lost weight recently, love that hairstyle you've got today. Just fabulous darling.

2007-06-14 00:23:26 · 17 answers · asked by Doodle 6

A very handsome and confident man walked in to a bar,and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,he gives he a quick glance, and looks at his watch...

The woman noticed and said " Is your date running late"

No! he replies, I've just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it"

The woman asks "Why is the watch so special"?

"It uses alpha waves and telepathically talks to me" says the man.

"We'll whats it telling you now? she asks

"Well its says your wearing no panties? the man replied.

The woman giggles and say" It must be broken as I am wearing panties?

The man tap's the face of the watch and explains " Damn thing must be an hour fast"......"

2007-06-14 00:14:50 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

**************************

In a Non-smoking Area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take
appropriate
action."
************************

On a Maternity Room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************

At an Optometrist's Office :
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the
right
place."
**************************

On a Taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
******************************...

On a Fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
******************************...

At a Car Dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
****************

Outside a Muffler Shop:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
******************************...



At the Electric Company :
"We would be delighted if you send in your payment.
However, if you don't, you will be."
******************************...



In

2007-06-14 00:01:08 · 9 answers · asked by PC 7

A Minneapolis couple decided to go to Florida to thaw out during a
particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier.

Because of hectic schedules, it was difficult to coordinate their travel plans. So, the husband left Minnesota and flew to Florida on Thursday, with his wife flying down the following day. The husband checked into the hotel.

There was a computer in his room, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere in Houston, a widow had just returned home from her husband's funeral. He was a minister who was called home to glory following a heart attack. The widow decided to check her email expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted.

2007-06-14 00:00:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old woman goes into her local supermarket where a young girls is serving at the counter, and say's "Can I have 36 tins of cat food please"

The girls reply's " You must have a lot of cats"

To which the old woman says "Oh no,there for my husbands sandwiches, I use the cat food as a paste for the bread"

The girls reply's " That will kill him madam!"

"Oh no, its okay I read it in a book" Said the old woman.

So off she goes with her cat food only to return one week later, where the same young girl was serving again.

The girl asks "How may tins of cat food today"

"None, my husbands dead" said the old woman.

The girl is stunned and say's "I told you that you would kill him feeding him that stuff"

The old lady said " He did not die from that"

"What was the cause of death then" asked the girl

And the old lady replied "Oh, that's because he broke his neck when trying to lick his ar*e"

2007-06-13 23:53:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Viagra

2007-06-13 22:29:57 · 4 answers · asked by Conan 3

swimming around in their tank ....
one says to the other
"do you know how to drive this thing ?"

lol well if you like star me ......

2007-06-13 21:57:42 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

at the gym you have to do some very painful exercises like the sit ups and the chin ups and the most painful is the pay-ups
-------------------------
the other day i went to work with both ears bandaged.my boss asked me what has happened and i told him "i was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and i accidently answered the phone instead of the phone
"well tht explains one ear" said my confused boss"but wht about the other
"the person called back" i said
--------------------
a man brags to a friend about his new hearing aid."it's the most expensive one i'v ever had...it cost me $3500

the friend asks "what kind is it"
the man says "half past four"
--------------

2007-06-13 18:58:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do a gynecologist and a pizza delivery boy have in common?

2007-06-13 18:58:32 · 9 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

Two old people, a man and a woman, walk into a hospital. The doctor says to the old man, "I'll need a urine sample, a feces sample, and a blood sample." The old man says, "What?" So the doctor says it again. Once again the old man says, "what?" So the doctor yells it, "I NEED A URINE SAMPLE, A FECES SAMPLE, AND A BLOOD SAMPLE!" With that the old woman turns to the old man and says, "He needs a pair of your underwear!"

2007-06-13 18:54:46 · 9 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

A 747 was starting its descent and the pilot had forgotten to turn off the P.A. system.

"As soon as I clock off" he said, "I'm going to have a nice cold beer and then scr*w the a**e off that blond flight attendant." The horrified flight attendant made a dash toward the cockpit, but tripped over in the aisle.

A little old lady sitting there whispered, "There's no need to hurry love, he said he was going to have a beer first."

2007-06-13 18:25:04 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Please help me out. My friend's husband asked her this and she has not found the right answer. Any ideas would be appreciated. Thanks in advance.
Peace.

2007-06-13 16:22:55 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Maybe you should stop using that air freshener

2007-06-13 15:48:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, while Sue was cleaning under the bed, she found a small box. Curious, she opened it and found 3 eggs and 10,000 dollars. A little bit suspicious, she confronted her husband of twenty years about it.
"Oh, that," Frank said. "Every time I cheated on you, I put an egg in this box." Sue was a bit unhappy about this, but figured that 3 affairs over twenty years wasn't so bad.
"But what about the 10,000 dollars?"
"Every time I got a dozen, I sold them."
*******************************
Two children were in a doctor's waiting room. The little girl was softly sobbing.
"Why are you crying?" asked the little boy.
"I'm here for a blood test, and they're going to cut my finger," said the girl.
When he heard this, the little boy started to cry.
"Why are you crying?" asked the girl.
The boy looked at her worriedly and said, "I'm here for a urine test."

2007-06-13 14:55:34 · 19 answers · asked by Yisi 3

A guy goes to his eye doctor for an examination. They start talking as the doctor is examing his eyes. In the middle of their conversation, the doctor casually says, "You need to stop masturbating."
The guy replies, "Why Doc? Am I going blind?"
The doctor says, "No, but you're upsetting the other patients in the waiting room."
******************************************
Johnny's teacher asked the class how their weekends were.
"Horrible," said Johnny. "A car hit my cat in the ***!"
"Rectum," said the teacher. "Say rectum."
"Rectum? Damn near killed 'em!"
****************************************************
A little boy was in his room playing with himself, when his father walked in.
"Son! If you masturbate too much, you're gonna go blind!"
"Dad," the boy said, "I'm over here."
****************************************************
What is six inches long with a head on it, that women like to blow?
MONEY.

2007-06-13 14:50:44 · 9 answers · asked by Yisi 3