Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Two friends were walking down the street when one noticed two women approching "My God!" said one "Here comes my wife and my mistress,together."

The other man looked up and said "Good God,you took the words right out of my mouth."

http://www.yashgifts.com/joke.html

2007-06-13 05:04:26 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why did Santa look into the mirror with his eyes closed?

Because he wanted to see how he looked when he was sleeping.

http://www.yashgifts.com/joke.html

2007-06-13 05:02:27 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

There is a midget in a room with only one door no windows...the door is locked with no key, the only thing about the room is there is a small gap under the door (lets say 1 cm).
the midget hears a knock on the door and shortly after he kills himself.....Why?

i will post added info if you need it just ask.

2007-06-13 04:47:26 · 40 answers · asked by v3gas4ce 5

A RIDDLE THAT'LL KILL YOUR BRAIN!
This is going to make you so MAD! There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

2007-06-13 04:26:09 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The short fortune teller who escaped from prison
was a small medium at large.
2. A thief who stole a calendar got twelve months.
3. A thief fell and broke his leg in wet cement, he became
a hardened criminal.
4. Thief who steal corn from garden could be
charged stalking.
5. We´ll never run out of math teachers because
they always multiply.
6. The math professor went crazy with the blackboard,
he did a number on it.
7. The professor discovered that her theory of
earthquakes was on shaky ground.
8. The dead batteries were given out free of charge.

2007-06-13 04:22:22 · 2 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7

I looked on the answers to the impossible quiz but still couldn't figure this out. Does anyone know how to answer the question that says something about a horseshoe? (It says that the answer is U but I can't find it)

2007-06-13 04:17:36 · 13 answers · asked by edward g 1

Some Interesting Questions

1. If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

2. If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

3. Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

4. If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

5. If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

6. Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

7. When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

8. Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?

9. Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

10. Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

11. Why isn't the number 11 pronounced tenty one?

12. "I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language. Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

13. If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners depressed?

14. What hair colour do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?

16. I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? Toothpicks?

17. Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps so the mailmen can look for them while they deliver the mail?

18. You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

19. No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

20. Ever wonder about those people who spend $2.00 apiece on those little bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

21. Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing section in a swimming pool?

22. OK ... so if the Jacksonville Jaguars are known as the "Jags" and the Tampa Bay Buccaneers are known as the "Bucs," what does that make the Tennessee Titans?

23. If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea. Does that mean that one person enjoys it?

2007-06-13 04:01:44 · 27 answers · asked by ? 5

10 points for whoever can get me in stitches by midnight tonight . . . Bring 'em on!!!

2007-06-13 03:16:39 · 28 answers · asked by ILovePeople 2

A man drops a sugar cube in his coffee then lifts it out intact a minute later. How?

A horse jumps over a building and lands on a man, who disappears. Why?

2007-06-13 02:52:51 · 11 answers · asked by Shona L 5

Professions


Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says " I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you know... Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful, Intelligent, Ecologist."

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know... Double Income, No Kids."

The third guy says, " I'm a R.U.B, you know... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, " What are you? "

She replies: " I'm a WIFE, you know...
Wash, Iron, F**k, Etc."

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2007-06-13 02:28:31 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An elderly man and his wife are taking a stroll through the country when they spy a fence where they used to conduct their courting.
Excited by this, they make love furiously, with their arms and legs waving about everywhere.
When they are finished, the woman says, surprised, "You never had sex with me like that 50 years ago", to which the man replies "Well, that fence wasn't electric 50 years ago."

2007-06-13 00:33:36 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am here in between doing advertisement work, but wanted to see why anybody else was on here currently.

2007-06-13 00:12:40 · 21 answers · asked by hardcoredlw 5

A woman asks her husband, "Would you like some bacon and eggs? A slice of toast, and maybe some grapefruit and coffee?" He declines. "Thanks for asking, but I'm not hungry right now. It's this Viagra," he says "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

At lunchtime she asked him if he would like something. "A bowl of soup, homemade muffins, or a cheese sandwich?" He declines. "The Viagra," he says, "really trashes my desire for food."

Come dinnertime, she asks if he wants anything to eat. "Would you like a juicy rib eye steak and scrumptious apple pie? Or maybe a rotisserie chicken or tasty stir fry?" He declines again. "No," he says, "it's got to be the Viagra....I'm still not hungry."
Well," she says, "Would you mind letting me up? I'm starving."

2007-06-13 00:10:05 · 16 answers · asked by Kevin C 1

There was a rich guy and a poor guy. The day after Christmas the 2guys were shoveling there sidewalk when the poor guy says to the rich Guy hey Bob that a nice BMW you got there for Christmas. It aint mine Bill i got that for my wife for Christmas and a diomond ring so if she dont like the ring she could take a new BMW to the store and get a diffrent one what you get your wife said Bob. I got her a pair of slippers and a dildo. A pair of slippers and a dildo said Bob confuse. Yea said Bill because if she dont like the slippers she could go &^%& herself

2007-06-13 00:07:06 · 10 answers · asked by BrooklynNY 2

Son comes running in to the house after school all exited and shouts to his parents

MOM, DAD i had sex today!!!

The mother gets upset and says

thats bad son very bad you go up to your room right now!

after he leaves she looks at her husband and says

arnt you going to have a talk with him?

So the father goes up to the room shuts the door and looks over at his son and says

ALRIGHT!!! thats my boy!! your a wild pimp dog just like your old man!! so how was it? are you going to do it again?

to which the son replies

OH it was great dad but I dont know if i'll be doing it again soon...

my butt is still sore from that last time...

2007-06-13 00:05:12 · 8 answers · asked by lost 2

Top Ten Reasons it Sucks to be A Penis

10. You've got a hole in your head.
9. Your master strangles you all the time.
8. Your head is disproportionate to the rest of your body.
7. You shrink in cold water.
6. You never get a haircut.
5. You always hang around with 2 nuts.
4. Your closest neighbour is an asshole.
3. Your best friend is a p u s s y.
2. Your scalp gets cut off if you're Jewish.
And the number one reason why it sucks to be a penis:
1. Every time you get excited, you throw up.

2007-06-13 00:03:22 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

*Hint* Its a joke

2007-06-13 00:01:21 · 5 answers · asked by ? 5

How Dogs and Men Are the Same

1. Both take up too much space on the bed.
2. Both have irrational fears about vacuum cleaning.
3. Both mark their territory.
4. Neither tells you what's bothering them.
5. The smaller ones tend to be more nervous.
6. Both have an inordinate fascination with women's crotches.
7. Neither does any dishes.
8. Both fart shamelessly.
9. Neither of them notice when you get your hair cut.
10. Both like dominance games.
11. Both are suspicious of the postman.
12. Neither understands what you see in cats.

2007-06-12 18:55:55 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-12 18:41:22 · 17 answers · asked by kittie 2

Q: What do you get when crossing a sea gull with a tiger?
A: Just what we needed. Another cat with bird breath.

Q:
A:

Q:
A:

Q:
A:

2007-06-12 18:17:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 percent of the men interviewed liked women with thin legs. Another 15% preferred muscular legs. The rest liked something in-between.


(for the dumb read it again and think about it between)

2007-06-12 17:35:21 · 14 answers · asked by Conan 3

A women gets a guy to go to her house to fix the dishwasher.
She can't stay,leaves key under mat.says to bill her and she will send him a check.She says "I have a large Doberman
but,don't worry about him just whatever you do don't speak to the parrot".He says fine.He shows up opens door see's a
very mean ,large doberman,doberman checks him out intencely,he also see's the parrot he starts working ,the parrot curses,squawk's very loud,parrot keeps going the guys has enough he says "Shut up you stupid bird !" parrot says "GET HIM SPIKE!"

2007-06-12 17:25:27 · 10 answers · asked by thresher 7

Answer:a oabt

2007-06-12 16:17:42 · 16 answers · asked by ? 1

Two women friends had gone for a girl's night out. Both were very faithful and loving wives, however, they had gotten over-enthusiastic on the Bacardi Breezers.
Incredibly drunk and walking home they needed to pee, so they stopped in th cemetery. One of them had nothing to wipe with so she thought she would take her panties and use them.
Her friend, however was wearing a rather expensive pair of panties and did not want to ruin them. She was lucky enough to squat down next to a grave that had a wreath with a ribbon on it, so she proceeded to wipe with that. After the girls did their business they proceeded to go home.
The next day one of the women's husbands was concerned that his normally sweet and innocent wife was still in bed hung over, so he phoned to the other husband and said, "These girls nights have got to stop! I'm starting to suspect the worst... my wife came home with no panties!!"
"That's nothing" said the other husband, "Mine came back with a card stuck to her *** that said... 'From all of us at the Fire Station. We'll never forget you.'

2007-06-12 16:15:55 · 10 answers · asked by jsilverman645 3

i love to drink___________and eat__________until i am ______ as heck . and i like to sit on my_________ and watch ____________ on tv for __________.

2007-06-12 14:59:56 · 11 answers · asked by sexy_girl 2

There was a little third grade boy in class and it was Show&Tell that day so when he got called up to bring his item he came with out nothing,he went up to the black board and then drew a little dot, the teachers was like" Well what is that you brought today" the boy siad " Its a period, my sister missed one, my mom fainted, my dad yelled and,the guy next door shot himself"

2007-06-12 14:48:19 · 9 answers · asked by franky1238 2

2007-06-12 14:27:39 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Do they have a 4th of July in England?
How many birthdays does a average man have?
Some months have 31 days how many have 28?
A Clerk in the butcher shop is 5'10" tall. What does he weigh?

2007-06-12 14:02:40 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

Was flying on Qantas to Sydney.
After take-off the stewardess asked him if he would like a drink.
"I sure would. I'll take a whisky, a double whisky. And by the way, ma'm, the name's Brown, B-R-O-W-N.
I'm from Texas, I'm six foot six inches tall and I'm white from the top of my head to the tips of my toes, and I despise Australians."
The Stewardess gave him his double whisky and moved wearily on.
But the Texan still hadn't finished.
He turned to the man sitting next to him and said the same thing as he had to The Stewardess.
The Texan had a few more drinks and introduced himself to anybody who would listen.
He always repeated this same conversation and was becoming very offensive.
Finally the man sitting opposite said:
"I haven't introduced myself to you yet.
My name is Gordon Jones.
I'm from Sydney and I'm five feet eight inches.
I'm white from the top of my head to the tips of my toes except my butthole is brown, spelt B-R-O-W-N."

;p

2007-06-12 13:56:43 · 5 answers · asked by ♆Şрhĩņxy - Lost In Time. 7

now i iked it but she did'nt you tell me what you think of it here it is...

a husband and wife are driving and they stop at a light and its dark out and the wife says to the husband honey there flashing and hes like where?and gets all exited cause he thought that she meant that they were flashing there boobs i know its sickning but i thought it was funny you tell me what you think of it and i'll tell her...
:)...
thank you...

2007-06-12 13:54:44 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous