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10 points for whoever can get me in stitches by midnight tonight . . . Bring 'em on!!!

2007-06-13 03:16:39 · 28 answers · asked by ILovePeople 2 in Entertainment & Music Jokes & Riddles

28 answers

Search online. Google it, you'll find like thousands.

2007-06-13 03:19:10 · answer #1 · answered by Cecilia ♡ 6 · 0 3

Y! ideas is going To Make The Guiness handbook of international information For Contributing To The Idleness of human beings in each and every position, And extra little ones Are Going To Be Born With delivery Defects because Pregnant Mommies Are Spending an intense era of time on the computing gadget -- photo This -- even as The Little toddler Comes Out Mishapen, he will Be So sensible, And stepped forward From being attentive to His Mommy study And reply Internally, he will come out And Say, "Y"

2016-11-23 17:14:26 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0 0

A Woman was out golfing one day when she hit the ball into the woods.
She went
into the woods to look for it and found a frog in a trap. The frog said
to her,
"If you release me from this trap, I will grant you three wishes." The
woman
freed the frog, and the frog said, "Thank you, but I failed to mention
that
there was a condition to your wishes.

Whatever you wish for, your husband will get times ten!" The woman
said, "That's
okay." For her first wish, she wanted to be the most beautiful woman in
the
world. The frog warned her, "You do realize that this wish will also
make your
husband the most handsome man in the world, an Adonis whom women will
flock to".
The woman replied,

"That's okay, because I will be the most beautiful Woman and he will
have eyes
only for me." So, KAZAM-she's the most beautiful Woman in the world!
For her
second wish, she wanted to be the richest woman in the world. The frog
said,
"That will make your husband the richest man in the world. And he will
be ten
times richer than you. " The woman said, "That's okay, because what's
mine is
his and what's his is mine." So, KAZAM-she's the richest woman in the
world! The
frog then inquired about her third wish, and she answered, "I'd like a
mild
heart attack."

Moral of the story: Women are clever. Don't mess with them.

Attention female readers: This is the end of the joke for you. Stop
here and
continue feeling good.

Male readers: Please scroll down.















































The man had a heart attack ten times milder than his wife!!!

Moral of the story: Women are really dumb but think they're really
smart.

Let them continue to think that way and just enjoy the show

PS: If you are a woman and are still reading this; it only goes to show
that
women never listen!!!

2007-06-13 06:30:31 · answer #3 · answered by Rafif ® 3 · 1 1

A blind guy walks into a bar.He sits at a stool and asks the bartender if he wants to hear a blonde joke.The bartender replies "I don't think that is a wise idea.There are three blonde guys in the corner who are college wrestlers,and boy they got some big guns.And the two guys playin pool are UFC fighters, and the one is a champion.They are also blonde.You could get into some big trouble with them if they overhear it."
The blind guy responds"Ahh that's ok, I don't want to have to explain the joke 5 times."

What do you call a smart blonde?A golden retriever.

Why couldn't the blonde dial 911? Because there are no elevens silly!

Why are blonde jokes so short?So brunettes can understand them.

Why do a blondes' shoes have TGIF on them?So they know that Toes Go In First.

What do you call a blonde in the freezer?A frosted flake

A blonde walks into pizza hut and the guy at the counter asks if she wants her pizza cut into 6 or 12 pieces.The blonde says "Oh 6, I coud never eat 12!"

A brunette is walking a painter through her house.She tells him she wants the first room painted pink.He writes it down,looks out the window, and yells "GREEN SIDE UP!"
They go on to the next room where she says she wants this one painted blue.He writes it down,looks out the window and yells"GREEN SIDE UP!"
The brunette walks him to the final room and says she wants this room painted yellow.He writes it down,looks out the window, and again says, GREEN SIDE UP!
The brunette finally asks him why he keeps saying green side up, and the painter replies"I'm sorry about that, but I have a pack of blondes trying to lay some sod down across the street.

2007-06-13 03:40:35 · answer #4 · answered by Thunder♥ 3 · 1 1

Penguins car breaks down in this small town. He takes it to the machanic who tells it will be a while until he diagnose the problem. Penguin says, "that's OK, I'll go grab a bit to eat at the diner across the street." Peguin eats dinner followed by ice cream for dessert. Because of his flippers he makes a mess of the ice cream and it gets all over him. He goes back to the garage to see what the mechanic found out. The mechanic comes out to the penguin and says, "looks like you blew a seal." To which the penguin replied, "no, that's just ice cream."

2007-06-13 04:26:24 · answer #5 · answered by markiemark1451 2 · 0 1

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and by hand. This virus is called Worm Overload Recreational Killer (WORK). If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life Completely. If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work Isolating Neutralizer Extract (WINE) or Bothersome Employer Elimination Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system. You should forward this warning to everyone you know. If you do not know anyone, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.




picture it, i'm sure you can, it's easy as can be.The place is Piccadilly the time is five past three. She whispered "will it hurt me"? "will it spoil my dress"? He said "don't worry my dear, i'll try to avoid a mess". It's hurting a good bit now, the tears are in her eyes,it's getting rather painful, it must be quite a size! Suddenly he gave a jerk, she gave a startled shout, she said "thank God it's over, thank God he's pulled it out". If you read this very carefuly, a dentist's what you'll find, it's not what you've been thinking, it's just your dirty mind!


Sandy began a job as an elementary school counselor and she was eager to help. One day during recess she noticed a girl standing by herself on one side of a playing field while the rest of the kids enjoyed a game of soccer at the other.

Sandy approached and asked if she was all right.

The girl said she was.

A little while later, however, Sandy noticed the girl was in the same spot, still by herself.

Approaching again, Sandy offered, "Would you like me to be your friend?"

The girl hesitated, then said, "Okay," looking at the woman suspiciously.

Feeling she was making progress, Sandy then asked, "Why are you standing here all alone?"

"Because," the little girl said with great exasperation, "I'm the goalie!"

2007-06-13 03:21:30 · answer #6 · answered by 嗨! 안녕! =) 6 · 3 6

A cute little rabbit is running through the jungle and comes across a giraffe smoking a joint, he stops and says

'Dear Giraffe my good friend why do you do this? Don't you know it's really bad for your health and can cause all sorts of problems? Come for a healthy run in the jungle instead.'

The Giraffe looks up and says

'Dear rabbit my good friend thank you for being so caring. I will join you immediately.'

So the Giraffe throws his joint away and runs off into the jungle with the rabbit. They are running along when they come across an elephant taking E. They stop and the little rabbit says

'Dear elephant my good friend why do you do this? Don't you know it's really bad for your health and can cause all sorts of problems? Come for a healthy run in the jungle instead.'

The elephant looks up and says

'Dear rabbit my good friend thank you for being so caring. I will join you both immediately'

So the elephant throws away his drugs and runs off into the jungle with the Giraffe and the Elephant. They are running along when they come across a Lion who is snorting lines of coke. They all stop and the rabbit says to the Lion

'Dear Lion my good friend why do you do this? Don't you know it's really bad for your health and can cause all sorts of problems?'

The Lion sits thinking for a minute get up, puts his coke down ,mauls the rabbit to death and sits back down to snort more coke. The Giraffe and the Elephant are taken aback and the Elephant approaches the Lion and says

' Lion, I'm shocked! How could you do such a thing? Rabbit was only concerned for your health.'

The Lion ponders for a moment, leans forward and says

'That little B@stard fools me into running through the jungle everytime he's been shooting up.'

2007-06-13 03:39:44 · answer #7 · answered by gill79 4 · 1 1

After their baby was born, the panicked father went to see the obstetrician. "Doctor," the man said, "I don't mind telling you, I'm a little upset because my daughter has red hair. She can't possibly be mine."

"Nonsense," the doctor said. "Even though you and your wife both have black hair, one of your ancestors may have contributed red hair to the gene pool."

"It isn't possible," the man insisted. "This can't be, our families on both sides had jet-black hair for generations." "Well," said the doctor, "let me ask you this. How often do you have sex?"

The man seemed a bit ashamed. "I've been working very hard for the past year. We only made love once or twice every few months." "Well, there you have it!" The doctor said confidently. "It's rust."

2007-06-13 03:24:47 · answer #8 · answered by Anonymous · 4 0

Little Johnny is at school, the teacher asks the class to give her a sentence with the word "contagous" in. Little Stevie puts his hand up and replies "Measles is a contagious disease" Very good replies the teacher. Little Sophie puts her hand up "My Mummy told me to stay away from my friend who has chicken pox becasue it's contagious" excellent replies the teacher. Little Johnny's hand shoots up in the air "Me and my Daddy were outside playing football last night and our next door naighbour was painting, Daddy said It's going to take that cu*t ages to finish that fence!"

2007-06-13 03:40:16 · answer #9 · answered by Nickynackynoo 6 · 0 1

ERM PASS THOSE 10 POINTS OVER HERE

A middle aged woman has a heart attack and is taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she has a near-death experience. During that experience she sees God and asks if this is it? God says "no" and explains that she has another 30-40 years to live.
Upon her recovery she decides to stay in the hospital and have a face lift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even has someone come in and change her hair color. She figures since she has another 30-40 years, she might as well make the most of it.

She walks out of the hospital after the last operation and is killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. She arrives in front of God and asks, "I thought you said I had another 30-40 years?"

God replies, "Sorry, I didn't recognize you."

2007-06-13 03:30:41 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 3 3

Ever wonder why...?

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?
Why women can't put on mascara with their mouth closed?
Why don't you ever see the headline "Psychic Wins Lottery"?
Why is "abbreviated" such a long word?
Why is it that doctors call what they do "practice"?
Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on "Start"?
Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavour, and dishwashing liquid made with real lemons?
Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?
Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?
Why isn't there mouse-flavoured cat food?
When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?
Why didn't Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?
You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don't they make the whole plane out of that stuff?!
Why don't sheep shrink when it rains?
Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?
If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?
If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?
If it's tourist season, why can't we shoot them?
How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?
Is it true that cannibals don't eat clowns because they taste funny?
Experience is what you get when you didn't get what you wanted."
Why do you need a driver's license to buy alcohol when you can't drink and drive?
Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
If a 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights?
Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets?

2007-06-13 03:23:26 · answer #11 · answered by w.campbell547@btinternet.com 4 · 5 3

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