Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

2007-06-12 05:16:16 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-12 05:03:34 · 5 answers · asked by obxbear2002 1

Q: How do you make an oboist play a sustained A-flat?
A: Steal his batteries.

eh?

lol, what does batteries have to do with that?

2007-06-12 04:13:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sole!

ha, okay i made that up earlier...
if it was already made up i never heard it before, so im not taking credit if it was already made up...


i know its stupid, so dont tell me...

2007-06-12 04:05:52 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of
state capitals. She proudly says, "Go ahead, ask
me, I know all of them." A friend says, "OK,
what's the capital of Wisconsin?" The blonde
replies, "Oh, that's easy: W."

2007-06-12 04:02:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I start with the letter E, I end with the letter E, I contain only one letter, yet I am not the letter E. What am I?

2007-06-12 03:55:04 · 6 answers · asked by john m 1

All men are idiots, and I married their King.

Your kid may be an honors student, but you're still an idiot.

Cover me. I'm changing lanes.

I Brake for no apparent reason.

Learn from your parents' mistakes -- use birth control.

Forget about World Peace...Visualize using your turn signal.

It IS as bad as you think, and they ARE out to get you.

I love cats...they taste just like chicken.

Work is for people who don't know how to fish.

I didn't fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian.

Women who seek to be equal to men lack ambition.

Reality is a crutch for people who can't handle drugs.

Where there's a will, I want to be in it.

OK, who stopped payment on my reality check?

Few women admit their age; fewer men act it.

I don't suffer from insanity, I enjoy every minute of it.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off NOW.

Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot.

2007-06-12 03:43:58 · 11 answers · asked by Small Town Gal 4

it may take you a while to get it but here it goes;

The 30 wolves and 28 sheep how many didn't?

tough huh? see if u can get it

2007-06-12 03:27:00 · 9 answers · asked by Cole?¿? 1

A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."

2007-06-12 03:21:46 · 16 answers · asked by Small Town Gal 4

City, a couple went to see a popular magic show. After one especially amazing feat, a woman from the back of the theater yelled out, "Hey, how'd you do that?"

"I could tell you, sir", the magician answered, " But then I'd have to kill you."

After a short pause, she yelled back, "Ok, then. Just tell my husband!"

2007-06-12 03:17:37 · 7 answers · asked by Conan 3

An Autopsy professor was talking to his class over a human corpse one day. "To have a successful medical career you need two things; the first is no fear." With that, he took his finger, stuck it up the corpse's anus, and licked it. "Now I want all of you to do the same." After much hesitation the class did the same. After that the professor said, "The second thing you will need is a keen sense of observation; for example, how many of you noticed that I stuck my middle finger up the corpse's anus but that I licked my pointer finger?"

2007-06-12 02:51:44 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

It's for a science project; my teacher wants to know. Thanks!

2007-06-12 02:41:07 · 8 answers · asked by ♥♥ Hello Kitty ♥♥ 1

Bush and Osama decided to settle the war once and for all.

They sat down and decided to settle the whole dispute with one dog fight.

They would have 5 years to breed the best fighting dog in the world and whichever side's dog won would be entitled to dominate the world.

Osama found the biggest, meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and bred them with the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves.

They selected only the biggest and strongest puppy from each litter, removed his siblings, which gave him all the milk.

After 5 years, they came up with the biggest, meanest dog the world had ever seen. It's cage needed steel bars that were 5" thick and nobody could get near it.

When the day came for the dog fight, Bush showed up with a strange looking animal. It was a 9 foot long Dachshund.

Everyone felt sorry for Bush because they knew there was no way that this dog could possibly last 10 seconds with the Afghanistani dog.

When the cages were opened up, the Dachshund came out of it's cage and slowly waddled over towards Osama's dog.

Osama's dog snarled and leaped out of it's cage and charged the American Dachshund, but when it got close enough to bite the Dachshund's neck, the Dachshund opened it's mouth and consumed Osama's dog in one bite.

There was nothing left at all of his dog. Osama came up to Bush, shaking his head in disbelief.

"We don't understand how this could have happened. We had our best people working for 5 years with the meanest Doberman and Rottweiler female dogs in the world and the biggest, meanest Siberian wolves."

"That's nothing," said Bush.

"We had our best plastic surgeons working for 5 years to make that alligator look like a weenie dog."

2007-06-12 02:29:49 · 6 answers · asked by blank 3

OK, this might really sound stupid, no offence intended, but my curiosity finally got the better of me. I've got to know, Does the song "Little Peter Rabbit had a fly upon his nose(3), So he flicked it and it flew away" have any patriotic significance in America, and if so, what is the significance? Coz i keep hearing that tune on so many movies in a patriotic context. Im frm India btw .
It goes somewhat like this:
http://youtube.com/watch?v=paAKAc1ez-o

2007-06-12 01:59:47 · 5 answers · asked by DichloroDiphenyl 5

The wedding date was set and the groom's three pals - a carpenter, an electrician and a dentist - were deciding what pranks to play on the couple on their wedding night.
The carpenter figured sawing the slats of their bed would give them a chuckle or two.
The electrician decided to wire the bed - with alternating current, of course.
The dentist wouldn't commit himself, but wore a sly grin and promised it would be memorable.
The nuptials went as planned and a few days later, each of the groom's buddies received the following note:
Dear Friends,
We didn't mind the bed slats being sawed and the electric shock was onlhy a minor setback, but, by god, I'm going to kill the guy who put anaesthetic in the Vaseline!"

2007-06-12 01:14:29 · 19 answers · asked by ۞ Paulino ۞ 6

Stupidest question wins!

2007-06-12 00:17:21 · 15 answers · asked by Natty 3

John always wanted to have a pair of cowboy boots, so he buys one as soon as he saw one pair in a shop. Once home, he quickly puts on his new pair of boots and made a show in the bedroom, where his wife was reading a novel. He wanted to show her his cowboy boots,
-Don't you note any change in me?
No was the reply. Frustrated, John went in the bathroom, removes all his clothes and left only his boots.
-Now do you see any change?
-Darling, it faces down today, it faced down yesterday and it will still be facing down tomorrow.
Now furious, John yelled
-My penis is facing down because it is admiring my new pair of boots!!!
-Oh I see. It would have been better if you'd bought also the cowboy hat, then it would have looked up!!!

2007-06-12 00:16:59 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-11 22:50:29 · 14 answers · asked by paintballfreak1982 2

I turn polar bears white
and I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
and girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
and normal people look like
celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
and make your champane bubble.
If you squeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.

2007-06-11 22:42:12 · 14 answers · asked by Mikhail Simeon 2

if u have a barrel full of water what is the only thing you can add to it to make it lighter???

2007-06-11 21:24:18 · 35 answers · asked by Timmy-Lee 2

Strange Old Lady


A very weird thing has happened. A strange old lady has moved into my house. I have no idea who she is, where she came from, or how she got in. I certainly did not invite her. All I know is that one day she wasn't there and the next day she was. She is a very clever old lady. She manages to keep out of sight for the most part but, whenever I pass a mirror, I catch a glimpse of her. And whenever I look in the mirror directly, to check my appearance, there she is, hogging the whole thing and completely obliterating my gorgeous face and body. This is very rude. I have tried screaming at her to stop it but, she just screams back, grimacing horribly. She is really quite frightening!

If she insists on hanging around, the least she could do is offer to pay a little rent. But, no! Every once in a while I do find a dollar bill stuck into a coat pocket, or some loose change under a sofa cushion but, that is not nearly enough. In fact, I don't want to jump to conclusions but, I think she is stealing money from me. I go to the ATM and withdraw one hundred dollars and a few days later it is all gone. I certainly don't spend money that fast so I can only conclude that the old lady is pilfering from me. You would think she would use some of that money to buy some wrinkle cream. God knows she needs it!

And money isn't the only thing I think she is taking. Food seems to disappear at an alarming rate too. Especially the good stuff like ice cream, cookies, and candy. I just can't seem to keep that stuff in the house any more. She must really have a sweet tooth but, she better watch it because she is really packing on the pounds! I think she realizes that and to make herself feel better she is tampering with my scale to make me think that I am putting on weight too.

For an old lady, she really is quite childish though. She likes to play these really nasty games like going into my closets when I'm not home and altering my clothes so that they don't fit. Or messing with my files and papers so that I can't find them. This is particularly annoying since I am an extremely neat and organized person. She fiddles with my VCR to make it not record what I have carefully and correctly programmed it to record.

She has found imaginative other ways to annoy me. She gets to my mail, newspapers, and magazines before I do and somehow blurs the print so badly that I can't see it. And she has done something really sinister to the volume controls on my TV, radio, and telephone so that all I hear are mumbles and whispers.

has done other things like make my stairs steeper, my vacuum cleaner heavier, and all my knobs and faucets hard to turn. She even made my bed higher so that getting into and out of it is a real challenge.

Furthermore, she gets to my groceries before I get them put away and applies super glue to the lids making it almost impossible for me to open them. Is this any way to repay my hospitality?

I don't even get any respite at night because more than once her snoring has awakened me. It is very unattractive! And as if that weren't bad enough, she is no longer confining her tactics to the house. She has found a way to sneak into my car and follow me everywhere I go. She has completely taken the fun out of shopping for clothes. When I try something on, she tries on the same exact outfit and stands in front of the dressing room mirror and monopolizes it. She looks totally ridiculous in the outfit and plus she keeps me from seeing how great it looks on me.

Just when I thought she couldn't get any meaner, she proved me wrong. She came with me to get my drivers license picture taken and just as the camera shutter clicked, she jumped right in front of me !! Who is going to believe that the picture of that old lady is me?

She is walking on very thin ice now and if she keeps this up, I swear I will have her put away! But then, on second thought, maybe I shouldn't be too hasty. I think I will check with the IRS and see if I can claim her as a dependent. Oh, oh, I wonder if she has beat me to that first because she is always on my computer too.

*sigh*.....what's a body to do?????

2007-06-11 20:10:35 · 27 answers · asked by Daisy 2

A kindergarten class had a homework assignment to find out about something exciting and relate it to the class the next day. When the time came to present what they'd found, the first little boy walked up to the front of the class made a small white dot on the blackboard and sat back down. Puzzled, the teacher asked him just what it was.

"It's a period,' said the little boy.

"Well, I can see that,' she said, 'but what is so exciting about a period?"

'Damned if I know,' said the little boy, 'but this morning my sister was missing one, Daddy had a heart attack, Mommy fainted, and the man next door shot himself."

2007-06-11 20:05:32 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I will give you a hint it is in the old testament!!

2007-06-11 19:43:15 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day a husband comes where he met his wife. As they got through talking about their day the wife shot her husband. Then proceded to drown him, then she hung him. The next day he got ready for work, and kissed his wife goodbye before leaving. How is it that the husband is still alive?

2007-06-11 19:07:12 · 19 answers · asked by Lost without you 2

2007-06-11 17:30:49 · 22 answers · asked by Cannibal 4

I always expect the unexpected to happen.

2007-06-11 17:28:29 · 9 answers · asked by Luv2no is in the house 7

According to most state laws, the attempt to commit a certain crime is punishable, but actually committing this one is not.
What is the crime?

2007-06-11 17:11:16 · 14 answers · asked by MsElainious 4

There are supposed to be three common words in English ending in 'gry' -- hungry, angry, and ....what? What's the third word ending in 'gry'?"

2007-06-11 16:46:01 · 17 answers · asked by HARMONYâ?«~â?«~â?«~* 4

Q. How do you make a blonde laugh on Saturday?
A. Tell her a joke on Wednesday.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. You can't, they have always been like that.

Q: Why did the blonde scale the chain-link fence?
A: To see what was on the other side.

Q. How do you amuse a blonde for hours?
A. Write 'Please turn over' on both sides of a piece of paper.

Q. What do twenty blondes standing ear to ear make?
A. A wind tunnel.

Q. How do you confuse a blonde?
A. Put them in a round room and tell them to sit in the corner.

Q. How does a blonde try to kill a fish?
A. She drowns it.

Q. What did the blonde's left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.

Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.

Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!

Q. A blonde is going to London on a plane. How can you steal her window seat?
A. Tell her the seats that are going to London are all in the middle row.

Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.

Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme

Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!

Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.

Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized

Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom

Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.

Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!

Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes

Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.

Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.

Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.

Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.

Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ***?
A. Brain tumor.

Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.

Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....

Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"

Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL

Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.

Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.

Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.

Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747.

Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.

Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.

Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.

Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.

Q. What do blondes and cow poop have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.

Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!

Q. What does a blonde say when you ask her what the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!

Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.

Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.

Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.

Q: How can you tell if a blonde's been using the computer?
A: There's white-out on the screen.

Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.

Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.

Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.

Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...

Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"

Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends

Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up

Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.

Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.

Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.

Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!

Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.

Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.

Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!

2007-06-11 16:28:11 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

For decades, two heroic statues, one male and one female, faced each other in a city park, until one day an angel came down from heaven.

"You've been such exemplary statues," he announced to them, "That I'm going to give you a special gift. I'm going to bring you both to life for thirty minutes, in which you can do anything you want."

And with a clap of his hands, the angel brought the statues to life. The two approached each other a bit shyly, but soon dashed for the bushes, from which shortly emerged a good deal of giggling, laughter, and shaking of branches.

Fifteen minutes later, the two statues emerged from the bushes, wide grins on their faces.

"You still have fifteen more minutes," said the angel, winking at them.

Grinning even more widely the female statue turned to the male statue and said, "Great! Only this time you hold the pigeon down and I'll sh*t on its head."

2007-06-11 16:23:55 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous