Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Who can tell me a good joke for me?

2007-06-10 19:46:20 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need a comeback. It is payback time. Any ideas?
Enough time has gone by, they are not expecting anything, but I want it to be good. It can't be really detrimental or the ofc. won't allow it.

2007-06-10 17:31:51 · 5 answers · asked by brensbren 2

Please, use your imagination and fill the blankets, folks!

2007-06-10 17:17:30 · 9 answers · asked by Chabacano 4

A man came home from work and found his three children outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife's car was open, as was the front door to the house and there was no sign of the dog.

Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess. A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall. In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.

In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, the fridge door was open wide, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door.

He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she might be ill, or that something serious had happened.

He was met with a small trickle of water as it made its way out the bathroom door. As he peered inside he found wet towels, scummy soap and more toys strewn over the floor. Miles of toilet paper lay in a heap and toothpaste had been smeared over the mirror and walls.

As he rushed to the bedroom, he found his wife still curled up in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, "What happened here today?"

She again smiled and answered, "You know everyday when you come home from work and you ask me what in the world I do all day?"





"Yes," was his incredulous reply. She answered, "Well, today I didn't do it."

2007-06-10 17:17:26 · 4 answers · asked by mysticalviking 5

Ok, I'm trying out the skyscraper100.googlepages.com game thing and uh, it's not working out so well. I'm stuck on question 12 and I swear, I'm about to die. It's a cryptogram puzzle thing so if you can figure it or if you know the answer please help me!

Floor 12

Excellent, you can rotate letters and move them. What else could you need...?
Xc dkfig po wg

2007-06-10 17:17:18 · 4 answers · asked by Awesome Kai 3

There were these twins, Jim and John. Jim was the owner of an old dilapidated boat. It just so happened that John's wife died the same day Jim's boat sank.

A few days later, a kindly old woman saw Jim and mistaking him for John said "I'm sorry to hear about your loss. You must feel terrible."

Jim, thinking she was talking about his boat said "Fact is I'm sort of glad to be rid of her. She was a rotten old thing from the beginning. Her bottoms was all shriveled up and she smelled like an old dead fish. She was always losing her water, she had a bad crack in the back and a pretty big hole in the front too. Every time I used her, the hole got bigger and she leaked like crazy.

I guess what finally finished her off was when I rented her to these four guys looking for a good time. I warned them she wasn't very good, but they wanted to use her anyhow. The fools all tried to get in her at once and she split right up the middle"

The old woman fainted.

2007-06-10 15:49:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The newly born sperm was receiving instructions in conception from the instructor. "As soon as you hear the siren, run for the tunnel and swim in a straight line until you get to the entrance of a damp cavern. At the end of the cavern you will find a red, sticky ball which is the egg. Address it and say, 'I'm a Sperm.' She will answer, 'I'm an Egg.' From that moment on you will work together to create the embryo. Do you understand?" The sperm nodded affirmatively.

Two days later, the sperm is taking a nap when he hears the siren. He wakes immediately and runs to the tunnel. A multitude of sperm swim behind him. He knows he has to arrive first. When he nears the entrance to the cavern, he looks back and sees that he is far ahead of the other sperm. He is able to swim at a slower pace but does approach the red, sticky ball.

When, at last, he reaches the red, sticky ball, he smiles and says, "Hi, I'm a sperm!"

The red sticky ball smiles and says, "Hi. I'm a tonsil

2007-06-10 15:31:58 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-10 15:11:53 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

the President was looking for a call girl.
He found three ladies in a local lounge--a blonde, a brunette, and a redhead.

To the blonde he said, "I am the President of the United States. How much
would it cost me to spend some time with you?"
She replied, "$200."

To the brunette he said the same thing.
Her reply was "$200."

He made the same offer to the redhead. Her reply was:
"Mr. President, if you can raise my skirt as high as my taxes,
get my panties as low as my wages,
get that thing of yours as hard as the times, keep it as high as the gas prices,
keep me warmer than my apartment,
and screw me the way you do the public, believe me,
Mr. President, it wont cost you a dime"

2007-06-10 14:53:06 · 9 answers · asked by dizzi 2

♦♦They don't have to shave below their necks.

♦♦They can get ready in 5 minutes.

♦♦They can be obviously overweight and not obsess or get criticized.

♦♦When planning to have a baby, he gets to do the fun part while women do all the work.

♦♦They can't get r**ed.

2007-06-10 14:22:55 · 10 answers · asked by lalala 3

Cleopatra, Egypt's Last Queen
The Egyptian queen cassie was totally Greek but is believed to have been able to read, write, and speak Egyptian. She was married to her cute brother austin and they ruled Egypt together, although they hated each other. He tried to have her killed but cassie was tipped off and she fled to ceader point. She returned with an army and the two had a stand off with neither side willing to budge. At about the same time, the Roman singer kenneth arrived on the scene. He sided with cassie and killed austin . cassie and kenneth became romantically involved and had a son. She followed kenneth back to Rome and stayed there until his death. Then she and her son returned to Egypt to run . After kenneth ran , there was a power struggle between his adopted son ben and his friend gerriet . cassie became romantically involved with gerriet and they hoped to create a truly smelly kingdom of Egypt and Rome together. In 31 BC the feud between ben and gerriet erupted into a battle at sea off the coast of Greece. gerriet and cassie ditched the battle and fled back to Egypt, defeated. The following year, ben came to Egypt to assume control. cassie didn't want to be humiliated by being paraded through Rome as a rabbit , so she kissed herself, supposedly by letting a poisonous bunny bite her. Egypt was now part of the Roman Empire and was thereafter ruled by emperors, not pharaohs

2007-06-10 14:00:13 · 15 answers · asked by mrs.joejonas 1

Paddy & Murphy were up in a plane. Paddy says 'If i fly the plane upside down will we fall out?' Murphy says 'Don't be daft, we've been friends for too long'.

2007-06-10 12:54:28 · 25 answers · asked by Gray 3

im sorry about the brunette jokes, but all my life its been, "hey, there's some dumb blonde!" or "hey did u hear that joke about that stupid blonde?" i just wanted to take a stand! and no, i didnt make myself look bad! if i can get up enough courage to fight for what i believe in, yall shouldnt be insulting me! or other blondes!

2007-06-10 12:52:23 · 20 answers · asked by jessica29406 2

I gotta take my kids for a walk since we didn't go to the park.....It's 8 and getting dark so I"ll C-YA in a bit.

2007-06-10 12:51:52 · 5 answers · asked by ? 6

What goes VROOM!....Screech!....VROOM!....Screech!....?
A Blonde going through a flashing red light!

2007-06-10 12:40:56 · 6 answers · asked by fox_71498 3

Did you hear about the blonde who told her boyfriend she liked his new convetible because she loved having sex outdoors?

2007-06-10 11:59:29 · 6 answers · asked by Commander 3

Part 2:
That night the man had to see the purple ape again, so he grabbed the keys and went down there. He wanted to know what would happen if he touched it, so he did. The ape started going crazy, and it ripped open the cage. The man ran to the door and locked it. Then did the same with the other doors. The ape just ripped through them. THe guy ran to his car and hoped that it would start. The ape was chasing him. He jumped in the car but it wouldn't start. The ape ripped open the top of the car. It reached in and touched the man, and then said "Your It!".

2007-06-10 11:43:20 · 5 answers · asked by sunshinebaby 3

The boss of a big company needed to call one of his employees about an urgent problem with one of the main
computers. He dialed the employee's home phone number and was greeted with a child's whispered, "Hello?"
Feeling put out at the inconvenience of having to talk to a youngster the boss asked, "Is your Daddy home?"
"Yes," whispered the small voice.
"May I talk with him?" the man asked.
To the surprise of the boss, the small voice whispered, "No."
Wanting to talk with an adult, the boss asked, "Is your Mommy there?"
"Yes", came the answer.
"May I talk with her?"
Again the small voice whispered, "No".
Knowing that it was not likely that a young child would be left home alone, the boss decided he would just leave a message with the person who should be there watching over the child.
"Is there anyone there besides you?" the boss asked the child.
"Yes" whispered the child, "A policeman."
Wondering what a cop would be doing at his employee's home, the boss asked, "May I speak with the policeman?"
"No, he's busy," whispered the child.
"Busy doing what?" asked the boss.
Talking to Daddy and Mommy and the fireman," came the whispered answer.
Growing concerned and even worried as he heard what sounded like a helicopter through the ear piece on the phone the boss asked, "What is that noise?"
"A hello-copper," answered the whispering voice.
"What is going on there?" asked the boss, now alarmed.
In an awed whispering voice the child answered, "The search team just landed the hello-copper."
Alarmed, concerned and more than just a little frustrated, the boss asked, "Why are they there?"
Still whispering, the young voice replied along with a muffled giggle, "They're looking for me."

2007-06-10 11:34:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

As I was going to St. Ives I met a man with 7 wifes, each wife had 7 cats, each cat had 7 kits, each kit had 7 sacks....sacks kits, cats, and wifes how many were going to St. Ives??????????

2007-06-10 11:27:30 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two guys, Brad and Gus, were in a fight, and Brad was about to finish Gus off. Gus begged for mercy. What was Brad's answer?


I spare you, Gus.

2007-06-10 11:26:33 · 4 answers · asked by quillologist 5

Did you hear about the guy who didn't know he was deathly allergic to m&m's, and he ate the whole bag?


he was shell shocked.

2007-06-10 11:07:57 · 7 answers · asked by quillologist 5

A tourist has lost his way in the country and stops at a lonely farm to ask the way. He can only see a young boy and asks him:

"Hey, boy, where is your father? I have to ask him for something."

"He is dead. Run over by the tractor."

The tourist: "Oh my Godness, that is sad... is your mother at home?"

"Dead. Run over by the tractor."

"...Oh, Lord... I am so sorry... but are your grand-parents or sisters and brothers at home?"

"They are all dead. Run over by the tractor."

"Oh, boy, so, you are all alone? What are you doing all day?"

"Drive the tractor..."

2007-06-10 11:07:05 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the porch without any pants on!

So he goes up to his grandpa and says, "Grandpa, do you realise that you're not wearing any pants?"

His grandpa replies, "Yes Jimmy I do."

Jimmy then says, "Well why are you on the porch without any pants on Grandpa?"

"Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt on too long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your Grandma's idea."

2007-06-10 10:33:56 · 21 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

The seven dwarves went to the Vatican one weekend. After some cajoling and calling in of favors, they were able to secure an audience with His Holiness, the Pope.

As the seven dwarves walked into the chapel, the Pope greeted them. "Hello, my children. It is good to see you."

They all muttered their responses and stood around, a bit awkwardly, until some of them shoved Dopey forward. Flustered, Dopey removed his hat and said, "Ah, Mr. Pope, sir? I had a question and I was wondering if you could answer it."

"Of course, Dopey. What is it?" the Pope replied.

"Your Holiness," Dopey said, looking at the floor, "are there any dwarf nuns in Italy?"

The Pope was a bit startled at this question and said "Well, no, Dopey, there are no dwarf nuns in Italy."

The other six dwarves started to giggle as Dopey became red in the face.

"Well, then, Your Holiness," he stammered, "are there any dwarf nuns in all of Europe?"

The Pope was even more confused at this question, but said "No, Dopey, I'm

2007-06-10 10:21:51 · 6 answers · asked by enchantress 3

Three guys were on a trip to Saudi Arabia. One day, they stumbled into a harem tent filled with over 100 beautiful women. They started getting friendly with all the women, when suddenly the Sheik came in.

"I am the master of all these women. No one else can touch them except me. You three men must pay for what you have done today. You will be punished in a way corresponding to your profession."

The Sheik turns to the first man and asks him what he does for a living. "I'm a cop," says the first man. "Then we will shoot your penis off!" said the Sheik.

He then turned to the second man and asked him what he did for a living. "I'm a fireman," said the second man. "Then we will burn your penis off!" said the Sheik.

Finally, he asked the last man, "And you, what do you for a living?" And the third man answered, with a sly grin, "I'm a lollipop salesman.

2007-06-10 10:15:29 · 25 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Ok, here is a joke that my friend told me.

Three saliors got shipwrecked on an island and got captured by this aincent indan tribe. The chief walks up to the first sailor and asks in his old man voice,

"Do you choose DEATH, or mawk mawk???"

So the first sailor said

"Well, i dont want to die, so i choose mawk mawk!"

so the tribe takes the sailor, strap him down to a rock in the middle of the jungle and shove apples up his butt.

**The second sailor was not paying attention**

The cheif walks up to the second sailor.

"Do you choose DEATH, or mawk mawk???"

The sailor says,

"Well, i'm too young to die, so i choose mawk mawk!"

Well, they do the same thing to the second sailor as they did to the first.

There is only one sailor left. The chief walks up to him.

"Do you choose DEATH or mawk mawk???"

the sailor replies-

"Well i dont want apples shoved up my butt, so i choose death."

"HE HAS CHOSEN DEATH...by MAWK MAWK!!!"

lol... isnt that funny??

2007-06-10 09:57:10 · 7 answers · asked by Clairerox13 4

1.how come brunettes are so shallow? blondes have the most fun!


2.why cant a brunette get and hot guys? blonds are hotter and sexier!


3.a blonde took an IQ test, the results came back over-the-chart. when a brunette took the IQ test, the results came back negative!


what do u think of them? i hope all my best blonde buddies like them!

2007-06-10 08:24:23 · 30 answers · asked by jessica29406 2

2007-06-10 08:12:51 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope is on his deathbed. The Cardinals are gathered having a discussion about the situation and if there is anything they can do. Eventually one approaches the Pope and tells him that the only way that he be saved is by having sex. No I can't he replies, I'm the Pope and have taken a vow of chastity.
The cardinal says that if he did and was to recover what an example it would set to the world's catholics that he had made this miraculous recovery, and that nobody need know how it had been achieved.
After much thought the Pontiff agrees but sets four conditions.
1. The girl must be mute so that she cannot tell anybody.
2. She must have her ears blocked up so that she cannot hear any sound that might give away the secret.
3. She must be blindfolded so that she cannot see anything.

Yes sir but was is your fourth request.

She must have big t*ts and kinky boots

2007-06-10 07:06:00 · 14 answers · asked by allbut21 2

What goes click-click-click is that it click-click-click is that it ?





















stevie wonder with a rubic cube

i liked it

2007-06-10 06:56:24 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous