Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-09 14:13:35 · 9 answers · asked by d00ney 5

Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

2007-06-09 14:03:58 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be until you quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ***.

Friendship is like pissing your pants, everyone can see it, but only you can feel the warmth.

I lOve my friends!!!!!!!

2007-06-09 13:27:37 · 5 answers · asked by auroa26 3

Single Woman's Prayer

Now I lay me down to sleep.
Please don't send me no more creeps.
Please just send me one good man.
One without a wedding band.

One good man who's sweet as pie.
Who brushed his teeth and doesn't lie.
Who dresses neat and doesn't smell.
And is sexy like my man Denzel.
Is super-rich like Michael J.
On second thought, that's okay.

Man, if I should die before I wake,
that would truly take the cake;
No matrimony or honeymoon.
No fancy reception planned for June.
No throwing of the wedding bouquet.
Please, God, don't let me go out that way.
If I die before I meet Mr. Right
I won't go out without a fight.
But then again with my luck,
He'd probably be just some schmuck.

The single life is not that bad
I know it's just a passing fad.
I won't be blue. I will not frown.
Besides, I like my toilet seat down.
No more makeup, won't comb my hair.
So never mind this stupid prayer.

The single life will do just fine.
So what's up, girlfriend?
IT'S PARTY TIME!!!!

2007-06-09 13:24:55 · 7 answers · asked by auroa26 3

2007-06-09 13:20:53 · 6 answers · asked by Julie 2

2007-06-09 13:07:50 · 12 answers · asked by scrambler480 1

2007-06-09 12:50:09 · 26 answers · asked by savagegrace 4

A woman of 40 wants to get married but she is only willing to marry a man if he is still a virgin. After several unsuccessful years of searching, she decides to take out a personal ad. She ends up corresponding with a man who has lived his entire life in the Australian outback.
They end up getting married. On their wedding night, she goes into the bathroom to prepare for the festivities. When she returns to the bedroom, she finds her new husband standing in the middle of the room naked and all the furniture from the room piled in one corner.
"What happened? she asks.
"I've never been with a woman," he says, "but if it's anything like a kangaroo, I'm going to need all the room I can get."

2007-06-09 12:34:32 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

just a thought for all the women out there........MENtal illness,
> MENstrual cramps, MENtal breakdown,MENopause............Ever notice how
> all
> of women's problems start with men?.........And
>
> When we have real trouble it's HISterectomy!!!!

2007-06-09 12:33:59 · 47 answers · asked by Prudie 3

2007-06-09 12:18:52 · 28 answers · asked by Bonny J 1

For example, Mule Shoe, TX. 10 points to the one with the most answers.

2007-06-09 11:47:59 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

a boy was coming out of school wnen he saw a elephant smash a jewellers shop window suck up all the watches rings and bracelets in his trunk and head back to the zoo,the boy rushed off to the police station to tell them wot he saw.
a policeman took his statement then asked ,was it a african or indian elephant? i dont know where it came from said the boy,
well said the police man african elephants have big ears and indian ones have small ears what size ears did this one have?
i dont know said the boy it had a stocking over its head

2007-06-09 11:13:04 · 10 answers · asked by wolken 1

A married couple went to the hospital to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said the the hospital was testing an amazing new high-tech machine that would transfer a portion of the mother's labor pain to the baby's father. He asked if they were willing to try it out. Both said they were very much in favor of it.
The Doctor set the pain transfer to 10 percent for starters, explaining that even 10 percent was probably more pain than the father had ever experienced before. But as the labor progressed, the husband felt fine and asked the Doctor to go ahead and kick it up a notch.
The Doctor then adjusted the machine to 20 percent pain transfer.The husband was still feeling fine. The Doctor then checked the husband's blood pressure and was amazed at how well he was doing. At this point they decided to try 50 percent. The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since the pain transfer was obviously helping the wife conciderably, the husband encouraged the Doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him. The wife delivered a healthy baby with virtally no pain, and the husband had experienced none. She and her husband were ecstatic.
When they got home they found the UPS man dead on the porch.

2007-06-09 10:23:14 · 4 answers · asked by jsilverman645 3

If a hunter goes out his front door, goes 50 miles south, then goes 50 miles west, shoots a bear, goes 50 miles north and ends up in front of his house, what color was the bear?

2007-06-09 10:12:59 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and a woman meet at a bar one night and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate lovemaking.

The woman suddenly turns up her ear and says, "Quick, my husband just got home, go hide in the bathroom!" So the man runs into the bathroom.

Her husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks.

Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready to receive you."

"Okay," the man replies, "I'll go get ready."

He goes into the bathroom before his wife can stop him and sees a naked man standing there clapping his hands.

"Who the hell are you?" the man asks.

"I am from the exterminator company, your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having problems with."

The husband exclaims, "But you're naked!"

The man then looks down and jumps back in surprise.

"Those little bastards!"

2007-06-09 09:05:10 · 26 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

Pilot; Left inside main tyre almost needs replacement
Engineers; Almost replaced left inside main tyre

Pilot; Test flight ok, except auto-land very rough
Engineers; Auto-land not installed on this aircraft

Pilot; Something loose in cockpit
Engineers; Something tightened in cockpit

Pilot; Dead bugs on windshield
Engineers; Live bugs on back order

Pilot; Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent
Engineers; Cannot produce problem on ground

Pilot;Evidence of leak on right main landing gear
Engineers; Evidence removed

Pilot; DME volume unbelievably loud
Engineers; DME volume set to more believable level

Pilot; Friction locks cause throttle lever tostick
Engineers; That's what friction locks are for

Pilot; IFF inoperative in OFF mode
Engineers; IFF always inoperative in OFF mode

Pilot; Suspected crack in windshield
Engineers; Suspect you're right

2007-06-09 09:03:41 · 8 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

*Why Parents Drink**



A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.

Then he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to "Dad."

With the worst premonition he opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

Dear Dad:

It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mom and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice.

But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercing, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am.

But it's not only the passion...Dad she's pregnant.

Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people that live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy. In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better.

She deserves it.

Don't worry Dad. I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself.

Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

Love, Your Son John, P.S. Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Tommy's house. I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.

I love you.

Call me when it's safe to come home.

2007-06-09 08:52:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Smart Women

Due to inherit a fortune when his sickly, widower father died, Charles decided he needed a woman to enjoy it with.

Going to a singles' bar, he spotted a woman whose beauty took his breath away.

"I'm just an ordinary man," he said, walking up to her, "but in just a week or two, my father will die and I'll inherit 20 million dollars."

The woman went home with Charles, and the next day she became his stepmother

2007-06-09 08:46:44 · 24 answers · asked by Nevar 3

The Old Rapist
Two old men meet on a street corner. The first old man said, "Where have you been for the last couple of months?"

The second old man replied, "I was in jail."

The firsst old man asked, "You were in jail? Why were you in jail?"

He replied, "Well, about two months ago I was standing on a corner, and this beautiful young woman rushes up with a policeman, points to me and says, 'He is the man, officer, he is the one who attacked and raped me'."

The first old man said, "What? And you let her get away with it?"

Second old replied, "Well, I'll tell you, I felt so flattered, I admitted to it."

2007-06-09 08:41:47 · 8 answers · asked by Nevar 3

Cat Hating Husband

A man hated his wife's cat and he decided to get rid of it. He drove 20 blocks away from home and dropped the cat there. The cat was already walking up the driveway when he approached his home.
The next day, he decided to drop the cat 40 blocks away but the same thing happened.

He kept on increasing the number of blocks but the cat kept on coming home before him. At last he decided to drive a few miles away, turn right, then left, past the bridge, then right again and another right and so on until he reached what he thought was a perfect spot and dropped the cat there.

Hours later, the man calls his wife at home and asked her, "Jen is the cat there?" "Yes, why do you ask?" answered the wife. Frustrated

2007-06-09 08:37:48 · 15 answers · asked by Je:) 2

2007-06-09 08:36:13 · 18 answers · asked by Gypsy Gal 6

There were three old black ladies getting ready to take a plane across the ocean.
The first lady said, "I don't know bout y'all,
but I'm going to wear me some hot pink panties before I gets on that plane."
"Why you going to wear them for?" the other two asked.
The first replied,
"Cause, if that plane goes down and I'm out dare laying butt-up in a cornfield,
they going to find me *** first."
The second lady says, "Well, I'm going to wear me some fluorescent orange panties."
"Why you going to wear them ?" the others asked.
The second lady answered:
"Cause if this here plane is going' down and I'm floating butt-up in the ocean,
they can see me *** first."
The third old lady says, "Well, I'm not going to wear any panties....."
" What? No panties?!" the others said in disbelief.
"that's right, you heard me. I'm not wearing any panties,"
the third lady said, "cause if this plane goes down, honey,
they always look for the black box first.

2007-06-09 08:01:10 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

NO one gives me stars.
Lost 24 points today.
I got violations for writing sorry.
And we all are going to die someday.
(STARS AND ANSWERS happily accepted)(mostly STARS)

2007-06-09 07:20:24 · 22 answers · asked by Blood 3

3 Men were waiting to go to heaven. St Peter was at the gate and said, "However good you were to your wife that is the vehicle you will get in heaven".
The first guy comes up to the gate and says, "I never, ever cheated on my wife and I love her". So St. Peter gives him a Rolls Royce.
The next man comes up and says, "I cheated on my wife a little but I stilll love her." He gets a mustang and drives off into heaven.
The next guy came up and said, "I cheated on my wife alot". He gets a scooter.
Next day the guy that got the scooter was riding along and he saw the guy who owned the Rolls Royce crying.
He asked, "Why are you crying you have such a nice car?!" and the man sobbed, "My wife just went by on roller skates".

2007-06-09 07:09:05 · 17 answers · asked by Pd 6

Firemen Do It With Their Hoses

A man who worked for the fire department came home from
work one day and told his wife, "You know, we have a
wonderful system at the fire station."

"'Bell 1' rings and we all put on our jackets.
"'Bell 2' rings and we all slide down the pole.
"'Bell 3' rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.

"From now on, we are going to run this house the same way.
When I say 'Bell 1' I want you to strip naked.
"When I say 'Bell 2' I want you to jump in bed.
"When I say 'Bell 3' we are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled, "Bell 1."
The wife took off all her clothes.

He shouted "Bell 2," and the wife jumped in bed.
"Bell 3," he yelled, and they began making love.
After 2 minutes the wife yelled, "Bell 4!"
"What the hell is 'Bell 4'?" asked her husband.
"I need more hose!" she replied. "You're no where near the fire!

2007-06-09 07:07:49 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-09 07:02:30 · 9 answers · asked by reda t 1

Two gophers were on one side of the street, but they were wondering what it was like across the street.

So one gopher decides to dig a tunnel under the street to get to the other side.

Once he gets to the other side of the street, he decides to pop his head out of the tunnel just as a a woman gets out of her car and starts to pee over the hole.

The gopher goes back to the other side of the street and his friend asks him what he saw.

He says "All I know is it rains so much over there that the birds build their nests upside down.

2007-06-09 06:47:00 · 15 answers · asked by Pd 6

Has to be funny!!!

2007-06-09 06:00:26 · 8 answers · asked by basketballgurl730 1

Man walks out of pub and sees a member of the RAC looking under bonnet of a car "whassa matter?" asks man "piston broke" replies RAC man "So am I" says man and staggers off

2007-06-09 04:39:54 · 23 answers · asked by C S 2

Which came first the chicken or the egg? Give me ur funniest answer.

2007-06-09 04:28:18 · 14 answers · asked by JE 1