Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting for the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.

The doctor arrived, and examined the baby, checked his weight, and being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or bottle-fed?

"Breast-fed, "she replied.

"Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.

She did. He pinched her nipples, pressed, kneaded, and rubbed both breasts for a while in a very professional and detailed examination.

Motioning to her to get dressed the doctor said, "No wonder this baby is underweight.

You don't have any milk."

"I know," she said, "I'm his Grandmother, but I'm glad I came."

2007-06-08 14:27:16 · 14 answers · asked by Brandi Lyn 2

The madam opened the brothel door and saw a rather
dignified,
well-dressed,
good-looking man in his late forties or early
fifties.

"May I help you?" she asked.

"I want to see Valerie," the man replied.

"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies.
Perhaps you would
prefer
someone else," said the madam.

"No. I must see Valerie," he replied.

Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man
that she charged
$5,000
a visit. Without hesitation, the man pulled out five
thousand dollars
and
gave them to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After
an hour, the man
calmly
left.

The next night, the same man appeared again, once more
demanding to
see
Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come
back two nights
in a row --
too expensive -- and there were no discounts. The
price was still
$5,000.

Again the man pulled out the money, gave it to
Valerie, and they went
upstairs. After an hour, he left.

The following night the man was there yet again.
Everyone was
astounded that
he had come for a third consecutive night, but he
paid Valerie and
they went
upstairs.

After their session, Valerie questioned the man. "No
one has ever been
with
me three nights in a row. Where are you from?" she
asked.

The man replied, " South Carolina ..."

"Really" she said. "I have family in South Carolina."

"I know," the man said. "Your father died, and I am
your sister's
attorney.
She asked me to give you your $15,000 inheritance."

The moral of the story is that three things in life
are certain:

1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer

2007-06-08 14:23:23 · 6 answers · asked by Brandi Lyn 2

2007-06-08 14:12:38 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-08 14:09:35 · 3 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

2007-06-08 14:07:56 · 5 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

2007-06-08 14:07:03 · 9 answers · asked by STORMY K 3

who does a bit about being in jail and trying to rape the persone who is raping you. (I know it sounds bad and dirty, but it is a really funny bit....he starts running around in circles on the stage and saying "what are you doing? I'm raping you! oh no youre not, I'm raping you!)

2007-06-08 13:37:25 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Back before the time of the trail of tears, we were moving Native americans to reservations Left and right, Well we stumbled upon this indain named bowels...
We told "bowels" to pack up camp and move or we will me forced to ship him to a resercation.

Well bowels sat down crossed his legs and arms and said "Bowels No Move"

We sent him to the hospital and the docter gave him medicine for his "bowels"

We later returned to Bowels and asked him to leave He sat down and crossed his arms "bowels no move"

We again set him to the hospital

When we came back the third time weand asked him to leave he again replied "Bowels no move". WE replied How hace you not got to the bathroom for the past two weeks we have been here?

He said "Bowels Go to bathroom fine, But Bowels No Move"

2007-06-08 13:28:36 · 7 answers · asked by missunderstanding 1

) What is a four-letter word that ends in "k" and means the same as intercourse?



2) What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?



3) What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow it?



4) What word starts with "f " and ends with "u-c-k"?



5) Name five words that are each four letters long, end in " u-n-t " one of which is a word for a woman?



6) What does a dog do that you can step into?



7) What four letter word begins with "f " and ends with " k", and if you can't get one you can use your hands?



8) What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a girl fat?



9) What four-letter word ends in "i-t " and is found on the bottom of birdcages?



10) What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife after they're married?





ANSWERS:


1. Talk

2. Legs
3. A twenty-dollar bill
4. Fire truck
5. Bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt
6. Pants
7. Fork

8. Almond Joy candy bar
9. Grit
10. Last name

2007-06-08 13:26:45 · 9 answers · asked by auroa26 3

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex

This kind of sex happens when you first meet someone and you both have sex until you are blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a short time and you are so horny you will have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and you usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex

This is when you have been with your partner for too long. When you pass each other in the hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex

This means you get Nun in the morning, Nun in the afternoon and Nun at night.

The 6th kind is called: Courtroom Sex

This is when you cannot stand your wife any more. She takes you to court and screws you in front of everyone.

And last, but not least, the 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.

You get a little each month. But not enough to live on..

2007-06-08 13:08:57 · 10 answers · asked by auroa26 3

he asked a girl how about a screw, girl replies 'Im on my menstrual cycle', great says Paddy im on my scooter ill follow you home.

2007-06-08 13:01:10 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

having a discussion 'who's the hardest', 1st mouse says 'im the hardest, i go up 2 mouse traps rip the cheese out & bench press the trap 30 times', the 2nd mouse says 'i get rat poison crush it into powder & snort it', the 3rd mouse finishes his drink gets up & walks 2 the door, other 2 ask where u going, 'home' he replies to shag the cat!!!

2007-06-08 12:55:09 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Marriage
Marriage is not a word it’s a sentence,a life sentence.


Marriage is very much like a violin after the sweet music is over the strings are

Still attached. ..


Marriage is love,love is blind.therefore marriage is an institution for the blind…


Marriage certificate is just another term for a work permit.


Married life is full of excitement and frustration;in the first year of marriage,

The man speaks an the woman listens,in the second year the woman speaks an the man listens,

In the third year they both speak an the neighbors listen.


It is true that love is blind,but marriage is definitely an eye opener.


Getting married is very much like going to a restaurant with your friends,

You order what you want and when you see what the other fellow has you wish you had ordered that.


There once was a man who muttered a few words in the church an found him self married.

A year later muttered something in his sleep, and found him self divorced

2007-06-08 12:54:16 · 9 answers · asked by auroa26 3

A little old lady went into the Bank of Canada one day carrying a bag of money. She insists that she must speak with the President of the bank to open a savings account because it's a lot of money. They finally get her into the presidents office and he asks her how much she would like to deposit. She says she has $165,000 and then dumps it out of the bag onto his desk. The president was surprised and of course curious as to how she came by all this cash, so he asks her. The old lad says, "I make bets". The president replies, "Bets? What kind of bets?" and she says, "for example, I'll bet you $25,000 that your balls are square". "Ha!" says the president, "That's a stupid bet, you can never win that kind of bet". The old lady says,"So, would you like to take my bet?" "Sure," says the president, "I'll bet $25,000 that my balls are not square!" The little old lady says "OK, but since there is a lot of money involved is it OK with you if I bring my lawyer with me tomorrow at 10:00 AM to witness?" "Sure" says the president. That night the president got very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of a mirror checking his balls, turning from side to side, again and again, thouroughly checking them out until he was sure that there is no way his balls are square and that he will win the bet. THe next morning at 10 AM the little old lady appears with her lawyer at the president's office. She introduces the lawyer to the president and repeats the bet, that $25,000 says the president's balls are square. The president agrees with the bet again and the old lady asks him to drop his pants so they can see. The president does this. THe little old lady looks closely at his balls and then asks if she can feel them. "Well, OK" says the president, $25,000 is a lot of money, so I guess you should be absolutely sure". Then he notices that the lawyer is quietly banging his head against the wall and he asks the old lady , "What is wrong with your lawyer?" She replies, "Nothing, except I bet him $100,000 that by 10 AM today I'd have The Bank of Canada's president's balls in my hands!"

2007-06-08 12:53:41 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Involuntary Muscle Contractions
>>
>>A Professor was giving a lecture on "Involuntary Muscular
Contractions" to
>>his first year medical students.
>>
>>Realizing that this was not the most riveting subject, the Professor
>>decided to lighten the mood slightly. He pointed to a young woman in
the
>>front row and said,
>>
>>"Do you know what your a$$ hole is doing while you're having an
orgasm?"
>>She replied, "Probably deer hunting with his buddies."
>> The professor laughed so hard he could not continue with the class.

2007-06-08 12:53:20 · 7 answers · asked by David 6

Can people snd me some realy funny and silly jokes to try and cheer me up as i was sacked today

2007-06-08 12:49:39 · 16 answers · asked by Nik 2

THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate

THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:
Thanks, but I don't want to have sex
Nope, no more booze for me
Sorry, but you're not really my type
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight
Oh, I just couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing.

2007-06-08 12:34:22 · 17 answers · asked by auroa26 3

Nominated as the best short joke this year!

A three-year-old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a
bath.
"Mum," he asked, "are these my brains?"
"Not yet," replied his mother

2007-06-08 12:33:19 · 23 answers · asked by David 6

A successful rancher died and left everything to his devoted wife. She
was determined to keep the ranch, but knew very little about ranching,
so she placed an ad in the newspaper for a ranch hand. Two cowboys applied
for the job. One was gay and the other a drunk. She thought long and
hard about it, and when no one else applied she decided to hire the gay
guy, figuring it would be safer to have him around the house than the
drunk. He proved to be a hard worker who put in long hours every day and
knew a lot about ranching. For weeks, the two of them worked hard and
the ranch was doing very well. Then one day, the rancher's widow said
"You have done a really good job and the ranch looks great. You should
go into town and kick up your heels." The hired hand readily agreed and
went into town on Saturday night. He returned around 2:30 am, and upon
entering the room, he found the rancher's widow sitting by the fireplace
with a glass of wine, waiting for him. She quietly called him over to
her. "Unbutton my blouse and take it off" she said. Trembling, he did as
she directed. "Now take off my boots." He did as she asked, ever so
slowly. "Now take off my socks." He removed each gently and placed them
neatly by her boots. "Now take off my skirt." He slowly unbuttoned it,
constantly watching her eyes in the fire light. "Now take off my bra."
Again, with trembling hands, he did as he was told and dropped it to the
floor. Then she looked at him and said "If you ever wear my clothes into
town again, you're fired!"

2007-06-08 12:17:06 · 19 answers · asked by Rachael H 5

can you please give me of a punchline for this:

"Why did the Blonde cross the road?".........

2007-06-08 12:11:56 · 38 answers · asked by Mr. Pedigree! 3

There was a family gathering, with all generations around the table.
Mischievous teenagers put a Viagra tablet into Grandpa's drink, and after a
while, Grandpa excused himself because he had to go to the bathroom.

When he returned, however, his trousers are wet all over.

"What happened, Grandpa?" he is asked by his concerned children.

"Well," he answered, "I don't really know. I had to go to the
bathroom. So I took it out and started to pee, but then I saw that it wasn't mine,
So I put it back!"

2007-06-08 12:03:12 · 13 answers · asked by ? 5

A blond, a brunette and a redhead went on a safari and got separated from the guide. As it turns out they got captured by a tribe.

The chief of the tribe lets them each know they will die but it is the tribe’s custom to allow each one of them decides how to die.

Now show me the STAR!!

The red head say "get me my gun." They get it for her and she puts it to her head and pulls the trigger. The chief says "take her to the river, skin her and use the skin for a canoe.”

The brunette says “get me my knife.” They do and she slits her own throat and dies. The chief says "take her to the river, skin her and use the skin for a canoe.”

The blond say get me my fork. The tribe looks at her funny because nobody has ever requested a fork before. But they bring her the fork. She starts stabbing herself all over saying “you’re not going to make a canoe out of me.”


PS If your going to bring a joke here please don't just copy and paste something you seen 2 hours ago. Thank you.

2007-06-08 12:00:01 · 14 answers · asked by Sports fan 5

An Octopus walks into a bar and says "I can play any musical instrument you like".

An Englishman gives it a guitar, which it plays better than Jimi Hendrix.

An Irishman gives it a piano, which it plays better than Elton John.

A Scotsman then throws it a set of bagpipes...

The octopus fumbles about for a couple of minutes without a sound from the bag pipes and then Scotsman then asks, "what's wrong, can ye no play it"?


The Octopus says, "Play It? I'm gonna f**k her brains out once I get her pyjamas off!"

2007-06-08 11:49:13 · 42 answers · asked by ? 5

A guy dies and goes to heaven, while waiting he sees a gaurd with about 40 watches on, he asks the gaurd what they are, and he says they are lie counters for every U.S. pesident. The guy asks for George washington's it has moved once to thr right mean he lied once, he asks for Lincolns and it has moved 2 times meaning he has lied twice. He asks for Bush's and the guard says "sorry you can't have it, jesus is using it as a cieling fan."

funny or not?

2007-06-08 11:26:55 · 10 answers · asked by fabregasfan 3

Thirty things to make you smile

1.. My husband and I divorced over religious differences. He thought he was God and I didn't.

2.. I don't suffer from insanity; I enjoy every minute of it.

3.. I Work Hard Because Millions On Welfare Depend on Me!

4.. Some people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.

5.. I used to have a handle on life, but it broke.


6.. Don't take life too seriously; No one gets out alive.

7.. You're just jealous because the voices only talk to me

8.. Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

9.. Earth is the insane asylum for the universe.

10.. I'm not a complete idiot -- Some parts are missing.

11.. Out of my mind. Back in five minutes.

12. NyQuil, the stuffy, sneezy, why-the-heck-is-the-room-spinning medicine.

13.. God must love stupid people; He made so many.

14.. The gene pool could use a little chlorine.

15.. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps.

16.. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again?

17.. Being "over the hill" is much better than being under it!

18.. Wrinkled Was Not One of the Things I Wanted to Be When I Grew up.

19.. Procrastinate Now!

20.. I Have a Degree in Liberal Arts; Do You Want Fries With That?

21.. A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

22.. A journey of a thousand miles begins with a cash advance

23.. Stupidity is not a handicap. Park elsewhere!

24..They call it PMS because MadCow Disease was already taken.

25..He who dies with the most toys is nonetheless dead.

26..A picture is worth a thousand words, but it uses up three thousand times the memory.

27..Ham and eggs. A day's work for a chicken, a lifetime commitment for a pig.

28.. The trouble with life is there's no background music.

29.. The original point and click interface was a Smith and Wesson.

30.. I smile! because I don't know what the hell is going on.

2007-06-08 11:26:05 · 10 answers · asked by auroa26 3

A Russian is strolling down the street in Moscow and kicks a bottle laying in the street. Suddenly out of the bottle comes a Genie. The Russian is stunned and the Genie says, "Hello master, I will grant you one wish, anything you want." The Russian begins thinking, "Well, I really like drinking vodka."

Finally the Russian says, "I wish to drink vodka whenever I want, so make me piss vodka." The Genie grants him his wish. When the Russian gets home he gets a glass out of the cupboard and pisses in it. He looks and the glass and it's clear. Looks like vodka. Then he smells the liquid. Smells like vodka. So he takes a taste and it is the best vodka he has ever tasted.

The Russian yells to his wife, "Natasha, Natasha, come quickly!" She comes running down the hall and the Russian takes another glass out of the cupboard and pisses into it. He tells her to drink, it is vodka Natasha is reluctant but goes ahead and takes a sip. It is the best vodka she has ever tasted. The two drink and party all night.

This goes on for the next few nights. Finally Friday night comes and the Russian comes home and tells his wife, "Natasha grab one glass from the cupboard and we will drink vodka." His wife gets the glass from the cupboard and sets it on the table. The Russian begins to piss in the glass and when he fills it his wife asks him, "But Boris, why do we need only one glass?" Boris raises the glass and says, "Because tonight my love, you drink from the bottle."

2007-06-08 11:20:42 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

I quite enjoy this joke telling business - here's another one (you might have heard it before, but what the heck):

A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning.
The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her
ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately
clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and
proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to
apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist:
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I
could relieve your pain if you'd allow me", she told him earnestly.
"Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few
minutes," he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal
position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She
gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she
loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside and began to massage
him. She then asked him: "How does that feel?"
To which he replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

2007-06-08 11:17:51 · 14 answers · asked by Rachael H 5

Three old men were talking about how much their hands shook. The first old guy said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I shaved his morning, I cut my face." The second old fogey one-upped him and said, "My hands shake so bad, that when I trimmed my garden yesterday, I sliced all my flowers." The third old man laughed and said, "That's nothing. My hands shake so bad that when I took a piss yesterday, I came three times!"

2007-06-08 11:17:11 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here
and help me. I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how
to get started.

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a Rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over
the table. He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box,
then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to
assemble these pieces into anything resembling a Rooster." He takes her
hand and says, "Secondly, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of
tea, and

then.....", he said with a deep sigh, ...



"Let's put all these Corn Flakes back in the box!"

2007-06-08 10:26:15 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

are sitting next to each other on a plane.
After a short time the Priest asks the Rabbi, " Is it still a requirement of your faith that you eat no pork " ?
" Yes , says the Rabbi.
" Have you ever succumbed to the temptation " asks the Priest ?
" Once I had a ham sandwich" replies the Rabbi.
" Is it still a requirement that you remain celibate" the Rabbi asks the Priest ?
" Yes it is " replies the Priest.
" Have you ever given into temptation " asks the Rabbi ?
" Yes , once I had sex with one of my parishioners daughters" !
" Beats a ham sandwich doesn't it " says the Rabbi ?

2007-06-08 09:34:45 · 12 answers · asked by Joe Ninety 2