Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

They all charter a double decker bus to take them to a tournament. Downstairs, Brunette FC are singing songs when the goalie realises there's no noise coming the top deck. She goes upstairs and finds Blonde FC all clutching their seats, scared to death. "Whats going on?" she asks them "we're having a great tome below." A blonde replies, "That's because you've got a driver!"

2007-06-07 22:50:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three girls are in a convert chapel with the head nun, who says to the girls "Before you can join this order you will have to wash, with holy water, the parts of your body where you have been intimate with a boy".
The first girl goes to the altar and washs her hands in the font, containing the holy water, then joins the head nun, who smiles at her kindly.
The second girl walks slowly up to the altar, looking very shy and, after washing her hands, commences to climb up onto the font and splash handfuls of holy water between her legs. The head nun looks horrified and baffled.
The third girl then shouts "Yuk, stop right now, I have to gargle in that!".

2007-06-07 22:47:16 · 25 answers · asked by gerryish 2

The Husband Store!

A store that sells husbands has just opened in New York City, where a
woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the
entrance is a description of how the store operates. You may visit the
store ONLY ONCE !

There are six floors and the attributes of the men increase as the
shopper ascends the flights. There is, however, a catch . . .. you may
choose any man from a particular floor, or you may choose to go up a
floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the
building! So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband .


On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men have jobs and love the Lord.
The second floor sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, and love kids.
The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids,
and are extremely good looking.
"Wow," she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.
She goes to the fourth floor and sign reads:
Floor 4 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids,
are drop- dead good looking and help with the housework.

"Oh, mercy me!" she exclaims, "I can hardly stand it!"

Still, she goes to the fifth floor and sign reads:
Floor 5 - These men have jobs, love the Lord, love kids, are drop- dead
gorgeous, help with the housework, and have a strong romantic streak.


She is so tempted to stay, but she goes to the sixth floor and the sign
reads:


Floor 6 - You are visitor 4,363,012th to this floor. There are no men on
this floor. This floor exists solely as proof that women are impossible
to please.

Thank you for shopping at the Husband Store. Watch your step as you exit
the building, and have a nice day!

2007-06-07 22:42:43 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

When I was little my pet budgie died.

My protective mother rushed to the pet shop and bought another budgie of the same colour so when I came home from school I wouldn't know.

“But I knew , .........and I killed that one too.”

2007-06-07 22:13:28 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

this morning as I was lying on the bed,with my face buried on the pillow,my
dad whipped my butt with a belt
for few times
without any reason.
it didn’t leave any scars or anything but I had done nothing drastic.i wonder why he did it.probably for a joke.we were talking about a picture and I didn’t say anything offensive.and he was smiling as he did it to me.
i just turned eleven.
the last time he whipped me with a belt was when i was younger and in that time he did it to punish me.He never physically punishes my big sister and little sister though.
i wonder why he did it.for a joke?but what kind of a joke is that?
Father's Day is near and I still dont know what to give him.Or what to say to him

2007-06-07 22:00:45 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

How you make a blonde laugh on sunday?
answer is below but think about it
































































tell them the joke on friday

2007-06-07 21:59:42 · 7 answers · asked by BrooklynNY 2

I checked out the local paper for the forecast.
It Read :

Today: Sunny, 23
Tonight: Not so Sunny, 12

Please star this =)

2007-06-07 21:40:47 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid was eating ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and should be fine, the mother says, I just gave him some ant killer..... Dispatcher: Rush him in to emergency.

2007-06-07 21:39:55 · 14 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

DORMITORY:
When you rearrange the letters:
DIRTY ROOM

ASTRONOMER:
When you rearrange the letters:
MOON STARER

DESPERATION:
When you rearrange the letters:
A ROPE ENDS IT

THE EYES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THEY SEE

GEORGE BUSH:
When you rearrange the letters:
HE BUGS GORE

THE MORSE CODE:
When you rearrange the letters:
HERE COME DOTS

SLOT MACHINES:
When you rearrange the letters:
CASH LOST IN ME

ANIMOSITY:
When you rearrange the letters:
IS NO AMITY

ELECTION RESULTS:
When you rearrange the letters:
LIES - LET'S RECOUNT

SNOOZE ALARMS:
When you rearrange the letters:
ALAS! NO MORE Z 'S

A DECIMAL POINT:
When you rearrange the letters:
IM A DOT IN PLACE


THE EARTHQUAKES:
When you rearrange the letters:
THAT QUEER SHAKE

ELEVEN PLUS TWO:
When you rearrange the letters:
TWELVE PLUS ONE

AND FOR THE GRAND FINALE:

MOTHER-IN-LAW:
When you rearrange the letters:
WOMAN HITLER

Not sure if you guys have read these or seen it, but i thought its was worth sharing.
Have a Good Week

2007-06-07 18:50:41 · 2 answers · asked by Maroon 2

cause i hate this gurl..what should i do to her..i want to make her cry she stole my i-pod video and cell phone but i see it in her pocket and she wont give it bac

2007-06-07 18:36:24 · 17 answers · asked by vgurl 1

Do you think this would be a good knock knock joke? You start out with a similar knock knock joke to reel them in. "Knock knock"..."whose there?"...."Interupting cow..."Inter..."..."MOOOO!" see you yell the moo at them before you can finish. Then comes the one I wonder if it would be good. It is along the same lines and goes like this.."Knock knock"..."whose there?"..."Interupting totally uncalled for"..."interupting tota...."...then you hit them in the jaw. I think it would be good.

2007-06-07 16:53:15 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Steps:
1. Get a quarter, a pencil, and a paper.
2. Draw 3 rings on the paper and draw a mark around the quarter.
3. Roll the quarter off your nose and try to get it in one of the rings!
4. Go to the mirror...

DO NOT CHECK THE BOTTOM UNTIL YOU TRY THIS... UNLESS YOU LIKE TO SPOIL A SURPRISE...









HAHAHAHA DID YOU SEE THE LINE DOWN YOUR NOSE?

(sorry if I offended you...)

2007-06-07 16:50:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bang goes the gun,
another bullet towards your shatered heart.
If another one hits your heart will be a million pieces,
ill have to glue it up to make your heart full again.
No one hits you again,
but your brain is weak your going down again.
I pick you up and take you home,
but you dont cry,
even though your in crying pain, that makes you ashamed!

2007-06-07 16:49:21 · 17 answers · asked by Katja ie tattybow 1

i can..........to one.......lol

2007-06-07 16:07:39 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-07 15:08:24 · 10 answers · asked by vinel10 4

1.horse
2.rubber
3.sock
4.brace
5.mansion
6. van
7.phone
8.carpet
9.toilet
10.fork

They don't have to be in order or anything just make it interesring!!!!!!!!!! have fun

2007-06-07 15:00:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

He talked the old lady in the next room into sharing it with him. After they were both totally bombed, he started groping at the old lady and pulling at her clothes. He managed to get her blouse and bra off before she stopped him.

She said, "I can't do this, I have acute angina."

The old guy says, "Well, I hope so, you got the ugliest t*ts I ever seen."

2007-06-07 14:40:14 · 16 answers · asked by barnowl 4

You make the call:

Skinny little white guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him.

The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says: "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch private, 3 pound testicles, Turner Brown."

The white man faints and falls to the floor.

The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him. The big guy says: What's wrong with you?"

In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says: "I saw your curious look and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me..... I'm 7 feet tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch private, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says: "Turner Brown?!...Sweet Jesus, I thought you said, Turn around!"

Mehh

2007-06-07 14:14:15 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man is driving down the road and breaks down near a monastery. He goes to the monastery, knocks on the door, and says, "My car broke down. Do you think I could stay the night?"

The monks graciously accept him, feed him dinner, and even fix his car.

As the man tries to fall asleep, he hears a strange sound. A sound not like anything he's ever heard before. The Sirens that nearly seduced Odysseus into crashing his ship comes to his mind. He doesn't sleep that night. He tosses and turns trying to figure out what could possibly be making such a Seductive sound.

The next morning, he asks the monks what the sound was, but they say, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

Distraught, the man is forced to leave.

Years later, after never being able to forget that sound, the man goes back to the monastery and pleads for the answer again.

The monks reply, "We can't tell you. You're not a monk."

The man says, "If the only way I can find out what is making that beautiful sound is to become a monk, then please, make me a monk."

The monks reply, "You must travel the earth and tell us how many blades of grass there are and the exact number of grains of sand. When you find the answers, you! will have become a monk."

The man sets about his task. After years of searching he returns and knocks on the door of the monastery.

"I have travelled the earth and have found what you have asked for: by design, the world is in a state of perpetual change. Only God knows what you Ask. All a man can know is himself, and only then if he is honest and reflective and willing to strip away self deception."

The monks reply, "Congratulations. You are now a monk. We shall now show you the way to the mystery of the sound."

The monks lead the man to a wooden door, where the head monk says, "The sound is beyond that door"

The monks give him the key, and he opens the door. Behind the wooden door Is another door made of stone.

The man is given the key to the stone door and he opens it, only to find a door made of ruby.

And so it went that he needed keys to doors of emerald, gold and diamond.

Finally, the monks say, "This is the last key to the last door."

The man is apprehensive to no end. His life's wish is behind the door!

He unlocks the door, turns the knob, and behind that door he is utterly amazed to find the source of that haunting and seductive sound...........


























But I can't tell you what it is because you're not a monk.

2007-06-07 14:05:58 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

A herd of cows in a field, which one's on holiday?

The one with the wee calf.

Night night.

2007-06-07 13:37:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

tell me one of the best jokes you know. 2 people with the best jokes will move on to the final round, and whoever wins gets 14 points! (from the first round, the second, and getting the best answer in the second) Tell me some jokes!

2007-06-07 13:29:30 · 6 answers · asked by pigtails101 2

Dear Employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel.

Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future. Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the current fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as SLAP (Sever Late-Aged Personnel). Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program is called SCREW.

SCREW (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Early Workers). All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called SHAFT (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination).

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: HERPES (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump sum Assistance Payment).

As HERPES and CLAP are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received HERPES or CLAP will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our:

Special High Intensity Training (****). We take pride in the amount of **** our employees receive. We have given our employees more **** than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough **** on the job, see your immediate supervisor.

Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the **** you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of service with us.

2007-06-07 13:29:00 · 17 answers · asked by Roxas of Organization 13 7

A driver is stuck in a traffic jam on the highway. Nothing is moving.

Suddenly a man knocks on his window.

The driver rolls down his window and asks, "What's happening?"

"Terrorists have kidnapped Hillary Clinton, Ted Kennedy, Jesse Jackson, and Al Sharpton. They are asking for a $10 million ransom. Otherwise they are going to douse them with gasoline and set them on fire. We are going from car to car, taking up a collection."

The driver asks, "How much is everyone giving, on average?"

"About a gallon."

2007-06-07 13:14:11 · 11 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

One of my friends made this one up a few minutes ago...

2007-06-07 12:59:10 · 18 answers · asked by ♥Chamillitary Amberleé♥ 5

A man and a woman were stranded in an elevator together and they knew they were gonna die.

Then the woman turns to the man and says "Make me feel like a woman before I die."

So he takes off his shirt and socks and says "Fold them!!"

2007-06-07 12:45:47 · 9 answers · asked by in bed with Jesus 3

2007-06-07 11:45:05 · 14 answers · asked by --- 2

I'm an engineer (as in I design stuff, not drive a train) and I was just looking to see if there are any jokes I haven't heard yet.

Any clean jokes about engineers, or You might be an engineer if... statements would be good.

2007-06-07 11:11:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young husband and wife were sunning on a nude beach when a wasp buzzed into the woman's vagina. The husband covered her with a coat, pulled on his shorts, carried her to the car and made a dash to the hospital.

After examining her, the doctor explained that the wasp was too far in to be reached with forceps. He suggested the husband try to entice it out by putting honey on his penis, penetrating her and withdrawing as soon as he felt the wasp.

The man agreed to try, but because he was so nervous, he couldn't rise to the occasion. "if neither of you objects," the medic said, "I could give it a try."

Under the circumstances, both agreed. The doctor quickly undressed, slathered on some honey and mounted the woman. The husband watched with increasing alarm as the doctor's thrust continued for several long minutes. "Hey, What the hell is happening?"

"Change of plans," The physician panted. " I'm going to drown the little bastard!."

2007-06-07 10:30:20 · 16 answers · asked by ? 5

Am I just stoopid?

2007-06-07 10:20:07 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

HAVE A GREAT LAUGH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

>

>

A lonely widow, aged 70, decided that it was time go get married again. She put an ad in the local newspaper that read:

>>>

>>>HUSBAND WANTED;

>>>

>>>MUST BE IN MY AGE GROUP (70's),

>>>

>>>MUST NOT BEAT ME,

>>>

>>>MUST NOT RUN AROUND ON ME,

>>>

>>>AND MUST STILL BE GOOD IN BED!

>>>

>>>ALL APPLICANTS PLEASE APPLY IN PERSON.

>>>

>>>

>>>On the second day she heard the doorbell. Much to her dismay, she

>>>opened the door to see a grey-haired gentleman

sitting in a

>>>wheelchair. He had no arms or legs. 'You're not really asking me to

>>>consider you, are you!" the widow said.

>>>"Just look at you, you have no legs!'

>>>The old gentleman smiled, 'Therefore, I cannot run around on you!'

>>>

>>>'You don't have any arms either!', she snorted.

>>>Again, the old man smiled,

>>>'Therefore, I can never beat you!'

>>>

>>>She raised an eyebrow and asked intently, 'Are you still good in

>>>bed??'

>>>

>>>The old man leaned back, beamed a big smile and said, 'I rang the

>>>door bell didn't I?'



>>>The wedding is scheduled for Saturday.

2007-06-07 09:28:08 · 18 answers · asked by chapped lips 5