Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

One day a blonde and a brunette were walking down to the grocery store when the brunette pointed out to the blonde "oh, hey look at that dead bird.." The blonde looks around around up in the sky for a few minutes and says "hmm, I don't see any dead ones."

A blonde suspects that her boyfriend is cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment that same day, with the gun in hand. Sure enough, when she opens the door, she finds her boyfriend in the arms of a redhead. She points the gun at her boyfriend at stares him down for a moment. Then, suddenly, she's overcome with grief, so she puts the gun up to the side her head. Her boyfriend screams, "Honey, don't do it..." The blonde yells back, "Shut up! You're next!"

If you liked them, Please star!!!

2007-06-06 08:45:18 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-06 08:24:55 · 13 answers · asked by Rusty 2

This question is a joke. You can answer just for fun. I would love to laugh.

2007-06-06 08:13:49 · 19 answers · asked by s3xyd3ll27 2

2007-06-06 08:12:47 · 5 answers · asked by Rusty 2

I mean he drives around in a Popemobile, and hangs around with Alterboy. Does he fight crime or hunt evil demons or what? If he is a superhero then what are his superpowers? Can he fly or is he just super pius? Popeman to the rescue!

2007-06-06 08:07:16 · 9 answers · asked by Johnny Afman 5

A little boy goes to his dad and asks, "What's politics?"

Dad says, " Well son, let me try to explain it this way:

I'm the breadwinner of the family, so let's call me Capitalism. Your Mom, she's the administrator of the money, so we'll call her the Government. We're here to take care of your needs so we'll call you the People. The nanny, we'll consider her he Working Class. Now your baby brother, we'll call him the Future. Now, think about that and see if that makes sense."

So the little boy goes off to bed thinking about what Dad has said. Later that night, he hears his baby brother crying, so he gets up to check on him, he finds that the baby has severely soiled his diaper. So the little boy goes to is parent's room and finds his mother fast asleep. Not wanting to wake her, he goes to the nanny's room. Finding the door locked, he peeks in the keyhole and sees his father in bed with the nanny. He gives up and goes back to bed.

The next morning, the little boy says to to his father " I think I understand Politics now."

The father replies, "Good son, tell me in your own words what you think it is."

The boy promptly answers, "Well, while Capitalism is screwing the Working Class, the Government is asleep, the People are being ignored, and the Future is in deep trouble."

2007-06-06 08:02:59 · 22 answers · asked by ? 3

Osama decided to personally send President Bush a letter in his own handwriting to let him know that he was " still in the game."

Mr Bush, opened the letter, which contained a single line of "coded" message.

370HSSV-0773H

Mr Bush was baffled, so he sent copies to his chief of staff and several Secretaries, including Condi Rice and Donald Rumsfeld. Their assistants and aides had no clue as to the meaning and translation of the code. So it was sent to the F.B.I. then to the C.I.A. and also to NASA. With no clue to the translation, they eventually asked Israel's MOSAD to help.
Within a minute, MOSAD cabled the White House with this reply.

"Tell the President he is holding the message upside down".

2007-06-06 07:57:51 · 16 answers · asked by barnowl 4

fill in the blanks!

2007-06-06 07:46:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-06 07:40:17 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family was having some people to dinner. At the table, the mother turned to her six-year-old daughter and said, "Dear, would you like to say the blessing?"

"I wouldn't know what to say," replied the little girl, shyly.

"Just say what you hear Mommy say, sweetie," the woman said.

Her daughter took a deep breath, bowed her head, and solemnly said, "Dear Lord, why the heck did I invite all these people to dinner!?!"

http://www.hilarious-pictures.com/content/3037.html

2007-06-06 07:38:34 · 12 answers · asked by cristaline 2

1. The Doctor - who tells her to "take off all her clothes."

2. The Dentist - who tells her to "open wide."

3. The Milkman - who asks her "do you want it in the front or the back?"

4. The Hairdresser - who asks her "do you want it teased or blown?"

5. The Interior Designer - who assures her "once it's inside, you'll LOVE it!"

6. The Banker - who insists to her "if you take it out too soon, you'll lose interest!"

7. The Primal Hunter - who always goes deep into the bush, always shoots twice, always eats what he shoots, but keeps telling her "Keep quiet and lie still!"

2007-06-06 07:35:07 · 16 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

giving birth, the doctor tells her to push. She does and the baby's head pops out. The doctor says, "Oh! Your baby has slanted eyes." To which she replies "Yeah I heard them Chinese men were pretty good, so I decided to give them a try.”
The doctor shrugs it off and tells her to push again. This time the baby's body comes out. "Holy ****, your baby has a white body," the doctor says. "Yeah I heard them white men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

The doctor shrugs it off again and tells her to push again and that will be it. So she does and the legs come out. "Holy ****! Your baby has black legs," the doctor said. "Yeah I heard them black men were pretty good so I decided to give them a try," she said.

So the doctor shrugs it off again and ties the umbilical cord and slaps the baby on the ***, it starts to cry. The doctor turns to the woman and asks, "How are you going to deal with a baby who has slanted eyes, white body, and black legs?" The woman replies "I'm just glad it didn't bark!"

2007-06-06 07:32:06 · 12 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

A man and his son were watching tv. Suddenly, a Viagra commercial came on where the song "we are the champions" was playing and the middle aged men are dancing. The son turns to his father and says, "Were you that happy when you got rid of your heartburn?"

2007-06-06 07:30:19 · 8 answers · asked by ? 3

Three men were standing at the Pearly Gates. It had been a particularly busy day so Peter told the first one, "We're just about fullup at the moment so we're only going to admit people who've had particularly horrible deaths. What's your story?"

The first one replies, "Well, I'd suspected my wife of cheating on me, so today I came home early to try and catch her. As I came to my 25th floor apartment, I could tell something was wrong, but all my searching couldn't reveal where this other guy could be hiding. So I went out to the balcony and sure enough, there was this bloke hanging off the railing. I was really mad so I started beating and kicking him, but he wouldn't fall off. So I went back to my apartment, got a hammer, and started bashing his fingers. He let go and fell, but he fell in the bushes, stunned but okay. I was so angry I rushed into the kitchen, grabbed the fridge and threw it over the edge. It landed on him, killing him instantly. My wife, angry that I had killed him, came out to the balcony and shot me to death."

"That sounds like a pretty bad death to me," said St Peter, so he let the man in.

"It's been a very strange day," said the second man. "You see, I live on the 26th floor of an apartment building, and every afternoon I exercise on the balcony. Well today I fell off the balcony, but luckily, I managed to grab the railing of the balcony below. Suddenly, this madman ran out of his apartment and started kicking and beating me. Then he got a hammer and started smashing my fingers. I fell, but landed in the bushes, stunned but unharmed. Then a refridgerator fell out of the sky and landed on me, killing me."

St Peter said, "Wow, you had a horrible death, okay go into Heaven."

The third man said, "Okay, picture this. I'm hiding naked in a refridgerator..."

2007-06-06 07:26:31 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

He asks her why, and she replies, "You’re probably the best lover I’ve ever had, but every time we make love you give me splinters."

This remark bothers Pinocchio a great deal, so the next day he seeks advice from Gepetto, who suggests a bit of sandpaper might "smooth out" Pinnochio’s relationship with his girlfriend. Pinocchio graciously thanks his creator and goes on his way.

A couple of weeks later, Gepetto runs into Pinocchio at the hardware store, where his little wooden friend is buying every package of sandpaper the store has in stock.

"So, Pinocchio," Gepetto remarks, "things must be going pretty damn good with the girls, eh?"

"Girls?" says Pinocchio, "Who needs girls?"

2007-06-06 07:20:32 · 6 answers · asked by stewie g 1

The first woman has nothing to wipe with, so she uses her underwear and tosses it. Her friend, however, finds a ribbon on a wreath, so she uses that. The next day, the first woman's husband phones the second woman's husband, furious: "My wife came home last night without her panties!" "That's nothing," says the other. "Mine came back with a card stuck between her butt cheeks that said, 'From all of us at the fire station, we'll never forget you.'"

Funny?

2007-06-06 07:08:11 · 19 answers · asked by stewie g 1

approached the pearly gates, Saint Peter said "Hold on, Sister Margaret...not so fast!"
"But I have been good all my life and dedicated to the work of the Lord. From
the time the sisters at the convent took me in as an infant to my dying breath... I have lived for this moment!" Sister Margaret exclaimed in disbelief. "That is precisely the problem," replied St. Peter, "You never learned right from wrong and to get into heaven, you must know the difference between right and wrong".
"Well, what can I do? I will do anything to get into heaven!" Sister Margaret pleaded.
"I am going to have to send you back down to Earth. When you get there, I want you to smoke a cigarette and call me when you are finished. We will discuss your situation then." ordered St. Peter. Sister Margaret returned to Earth, smoked a Camel, and then immediately called St. Peter, coughing and hacking. "Saint Peter" she gasped, "I can hardly breathe, my mouth tastes terrible, my breath stinks, I feel

2007-06-06 07:03:35 · 8 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

Everything is funny when it happens to someone else, so who would you get the biggest kick out of seeing fall in some fresh barf? I know some of you wont be able to resist, but try to be a little more creative than just writing "George W!"

2007-06-06 06:58:08 · 19 answers · asked by KennyTheFixer 2

I have a couple Blonde jokes. (No offence to blondes.)

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Ya like it?? Here's another:

One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the
phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened
to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."

2007-06-06 06:56:56 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I have a couple Blonde jokes. (No offence to blondes.)

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Ya like it?? Here's another:

One day a Blonde walked into the doctors office with 2 red ears.
The doctor asked what happened. She said "I was ironing and the
phone rang and I picked up the iron by mistake. "What happened
to the other ear?" the doctor asked. "They called back."

2007-06-06 06:54:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-06 06:42:10 · 11 answers · asked by stewie g 1

star if yes!!!


a Homsi (a stupid person from a neighbour country)

was drinking milk!!!!
suddenly he died!! Why!!!!????



(think b4 reading the answer)






the cow fell on him and crushed him. :(

2007-06-06 06:38:25 · 9 answers · asked by Robin 4

don't think to hard.

2007-06-06 06:31:53 · 12 answers · asked by D T 2

Out on the golf course with his wife, the husband says, "Twenty years ago I had a brief affair. It meant nothing. I hope you can forgive me."

His wife was hurt but said, "Dearest, those days are long gone. What we have now is far more valuable. I forgive you." They embraced and kissed, and everything was fine until they got to the seventeenth tee.

As the husband was starting his back swing, his wife blurted out, "I'm sorry darling, I've been so conscience-stricken since you told me your news. Since we're being honest with each other, I have something to tell you also: 32 years ago I had a sex change operation. I was a man before I met you. I hope you can forgive me."

The husband froze at the top of his back swing, then threw a fit. He slammed the driver into the ground, kicked the ball into the woods, stormed off the tee, pushed the golf cart over on its side, broke his clubs one by one, then started on hers.

He screamed and ranted, "You liar! You cheat! You despicable deceiver! How could you? I trusted you with all my heart and soul... and all these years you've been playing off the ladies tees."

2007-06-06 06:27:56 · 19 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

One morning, the husband returns the boat to their lakeside cottage after several hours of fishing and decides to take a nap. Although not familiar with the lake, the wife decides to take the boat out. She motors out a short distance, anchors, puts her feet up, and begins to read her book. The peace and solitude are magnificent.

Along comes a Fish and Game Warden in his boat. He pulls up alongside the woman and says, "Good morning, Ma'am. What are you doing?"

"Reading a book," she replies, (thinking, "Isn't that obvious?").

"You're in a Restricted Fishing Area," he informs her.

"I'm sorry, officer, but I'm not fishing. I'm reading."

"Yes, but I see you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment. I'll have to take you in and write you up."

"If you do that, I'll have to charge you with sexual assault," says the woman.

"But I haven't even touched you," says the Game Warden.

"That's true, but you have all the equipment. For all I know you could start at any moment."

"Have a nice day ma'am," and he left.

MORAL: Never argue with a woman who reads. It's likely she can also think.

2007-06-06 06:12:14 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

Mother is in the kitchen making supper for her family when her
youngest daughter walks in.

Child: Mother, where do babies come from?

Mother: Well dear...a mommy and daddy fall in love and get
married. One night they go into their room...they kiss and hug and have sex. (The daughter looks puzzled.) That means the daddy puts his penis in the mummy's vagina. That's how you get a baby, honey.

Child: Oh I see, but the other night when I came into you and
daddy's room, you had daddy's penis in your mouth. What do you get when you do that?

Mother: Jewelry, dear.

2007-06-06 06:05:53 · 25 answers · asked by Want Your Bad Romance 4

From the yap of my five year old son...

What's invisible and smells like a rabbit?
Bunny farts.

2007-06-06 05:57:24 · 9 answers · asked by Heather R♥se 6

Diary of A YOUNG WIFE
Monday:
Now home from honeymoon and settled in our new home. It's fun to cook
for Tim. Today I made an angel food cake and the recipe said, "beat 12
eggs separately." Well, I didn't have enough bowls to do that, so I had
to borrow 12 bowls to beat the eggs in. The cake turned out fine though.

Tuesday:
We wanted a fruit salad for supper. The recipe said, "serve without
dressing." So I didn't dress. But Tim happened to bring a friend home
for supper that night. They both looked so startled when I served them,
I think it was the salad.

Wednesday:
I decided to serve rice and found a recipe which said, "wash thoroughly
before steaming the rice." So I heated some water and took a bath before
steaming the rice. Sounded kind silly in the middle of the day. I can't
say it improved the rice anyhow.

Thursday:
Today Tim asked for salad again. I tried a new recipe. It said, prepare
ingredients, then toss on a bed of lettuce one hour before serving." I
hunted all over the p

2007-06-06 05:42:18 · 8 answers · asked by emkay 2

Having been given instructions where to go, he gets mixed up, and enters the chripodist department. Te doctor tells him to show him the offending limb, he unzips his trousers, gets his penis out and flops it on the table. Thats not a foot! the doctor says, no but it's a good 10inch!! he replys

2007-06-06 04:54:07 · 23 answers · asked by kaza 1

I sat in an aisle seat as I usually do because it feels a little roomier.

Just as the feature was about to start, a BLONDE from the center of the row
got up and started working her way out.

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse
me."

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a little
impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!!" she said in a loud whisper, "The "TURN OFF YOUR CELL PHONE PLEASE"
message just flashed up on the screen and mine is in the car."

2007-06-06 04:52:19 · 11 answers · asked by Butterfly~Kiss 1