Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

There was an elderly man who wanted to make his younger wife pregnant. So, he went to the doctor to have a sperm count done. The doctor told him to take a specimen cup home, fill it, and bring it back the next day. The elderly man came back the next day and the specimen cup was empty and the lid was on it. Doctor: What was the problem? Elderly man: Well, you I tried with my right hand...nothing. So, I tried with my left hand...nothing. My wife tried with her right hand...nothing. Her left hand...nothing. Her mouth...nothing. Then my wife's friend tried. Right hand, left hand, mouth....still nothing. Doctor: Wait a minute. You mean your wife's friend too?! Elderly man: Yeah, and we still couldn't get the lid off of the specimen cup.

2007-06-06 18:29:09 · 7 answers · asked by Gina B 4

A man and his wife go to their honeymoon hotel for their 25th anniversary. As the couple reflected on that magical evening 25 years ago, the wife asked the husband, "When you first saw my naked body in front of you, what was going through your mind?"
The husband replied, "All I wanted to do was to bang your brains out, and suck your tatas dry."
Then, as the wife undressed, she asked, "What are you thinking now?"
He replied, "It looks as if I did a pretty good job."

2007-06-06 18:24:55 · 12 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Worm in the grass?
A little lad and grandpop were on the lawn.
Pops saw the lad doing something and went to look.
The lad was pulling worms out of the grass.
Grandad said "Don't do that son, they're good for the grass, the holes they make helps the water to feed the roots".
Then he saw the lad had about 6 worms.
"Tell you what", he said, "For every worm you get back down a hole, I'll give you a dollar".
The lad starts to poke the worms back in the holes but they squirmed so much, he couldn't get them in.
Then, he had an idea. He ran into the house and got his mum's hairspray. He stretched out a worm and sprayed it, picked up the now stiffened worm and poked it straight down a hole. Grandad was watching this, highly interested.
The lad got 5 worms down and grandad gave him $5 saying "Well done,my boy".
Next day, grandad went to the lad and said, "Here's your $5 dollars son".
The lad said, "but you gave it to me yesterday, looking puzzled"
"Ah, That's from grandma" said Pops.

2007-06-06 17:08:57 · 9 answers · asked by Norrie 7

2007-06-06 15:50:04 · 22 answers · asked by Alec M 2

What stinks when living and smells good when dead?

2007-06-06 14:40:21 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why wasn't John able to take a photo of his mother with curlers?

2007-06-06 14:32:01 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old ladies smoking
Two old ladies were outside smoking one day when it started to rain. One of the ladies took out a condom, cut off the tip, and put it over her cigarette. The other lady said, 'Hey, that's a good idea. What's that called?' The lady responded, 'It's a condom.' The other lady said, 'Where can you get one of those?' She said, 'Oh, just about any grocery or drug store.' So, the next day, the lady went to a local drug store, went up to the cashier, and said, 'I need to get some condoms.' The cashier looked at her puzzled (because of her age) and said, 'UH, what size?' The lady responded, 'Hmm, one that would fit a camel.'

2007-06-06 13:46:10 · 14 answers · asked by Ashley 07 2

A professor at the University is giving a seminar on the supernatural.
To get a feel for his audience, he asks them, "How many folk here believe in ghosts?"

About 80 students raise their hands. "That's a good start," says the professor, "For those who believe in ghosts, do any of you think you've ever seen a ghost?"

About 40 students raise their hands.

"That's really good," continues the professor, "I'm really glad you take this seriously. Has anyone here ever talked to a ghost?"

15 students raise their hands.

"That's a great response," remarks the impressed professor, "has anyone here ever touched a ghost?"

3 students raise their hands.

"Brilliant. But let me ask you one question further...

Have any of you ever been intimate with a ghost?"

One of his students from a Redneck state raises his hand.

The professor is astonished. He takes off glasses, takes a step back, and says, "Son, all the years I've been giving this lecture, no one has ever claimed that.

You've got to come up here and tell us about your experience." The redneck student replies with a nod and begins to make his way up to the podium. The professor asks, "Well, tell us what it's like to have made love to a ghost."

The student replies, "Ghost?!? Dang it!... I thought you said goats."

2007-06-06 13:07:48 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old man sitting at the mall watched a teenager intently. The teenager had spiked hair in all different colors: green, red, orange, and blue. The old man kept staring at him.

When the teenager had enough, he sarcastically asked, "What's the matter, old man? Never done anything wild in your life?"

The old man did not bat an eye when he responded, "Got drunk once and had sex with a peacock. I was just wondering if you were my son!"

2007-06-06 12:45:42 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Traffic Cop
The traffic cop was sitting beside a quiet highway with his radar gun waiting for a speeder to come along. It had been a slow day and the section of road he had been assigned had not had much traffic at all let alone any chance to give out a ticket. Suddenly he received a radio call from one of his fellow officers alerting him to a vehicle headed his way.

Shortly after the call had been received he spotted the car he had been called about. It wasn't hard to spot a small red Miata with the top down and a gorgeous blonde driving. When the red Mitia came by him car he took out after her with blinking lights and siren blaring. Within a few hundred yards he had pulled her over to the side of the road. As the cop approached the Mitia he started to unzip his fly.

Noticing this the blonde slaps her hand to her forehead and exclaims: "Not another breathalyzer test, this is the third one I've had today."

2007-06-06 12:27:49 · 7 answers · asked by Lizard 2

BIRTHDAY REMEMBRANCE


This week we celebrate a special birthday. Monica Lewinsky turned 31.

Can you believe it? It seems like only yesterday she was crawling around
the White House on her hands and knees, and putting everything in her mouth.

They grow up so fast, don't they?

2007-06-06 12:26:15 · 21 answers · asked by ? 5

Is this marital bliss?

A man and a woman who had never met before, but were both married to
other people, found themselves assigned to the same sleeping room on a
transcontinental train.

Though initially embarrassed and uneasy over sharing a room, They were

both very tired and fell asleep quickly.... him in the upper bunk and she in the lower.

At 1:00 AM, the man leaned over and gently woke the woman saying, "Ma'am, I'm sorry to bother you, but would you be willing to reach into the closet to get me a second blanket? I'm awfully cold. "

"I have a better idea, " she replied." Just for tonight, let's Just pretend that we're married."

"Wow! That's a great idea! " he exclaimed!

"Good, " she replied... "Get your own F***ing blanket.!"

2007-06-06 12:23:29 · 20 answers · asked by ? 5

Two soldiers were having a chat during their free time.
1st soldier: "Why did you join the army?"
2nd soldier: "I didn't have a wife and I loved war, so I joined. How about you? Why did you join the army?"
1st soldier: "I had a wife and I loved peace, so I joined."

2007-06-06 12:14:45 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A gentleman had called room service.
"And will there be anything else, sir?" the bellboy asked after setting out an elaborate dinner for two.
"No thank you," the gentleman replied. "That will be all."
As the young man turned to leave, he noticed a beautiful satin negligee on the bed. "Anything for your wife?" he asked.
"Yeah! That's a good idea," the fellow said. "Please bring up a postcard."

2007-06-06 12:10:20 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Jim, a handsome young lad went into hospital for some minor surgery and the day after the procedure, his friend Bob stopped by to see how he was doing. Bob was amazed at the number of nurses who entered the room in short intervals with refreshments, offers to fluff his pillows, make the bed, give back rubs, etc., "Why all the attention?" Bob asked. "You look fine to me."
"I know, grinned Jim. "But the nurses kind of formed a little fan club when they all heard that my circ*mcision required 27 stitches."

2007-06-06 12:05:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A little girl was in the car with her mom.
and she asked fer mom " mom how old are you?"
and her mom said
" honey you don't ask that to grown ups"
so then she asked " mom when were you born"
" honey you don't ask that to grown ups"
ANd lastly she asked " mom why did dad divorce you?"
and she said "I told you to stop asking those things"

so she went to her friends house and she told her " my mom won't tell me anything about her!"
so her friend said " oh look at her licence it says everything there"
so she looked at her moms liscence and the next day she told her mom

"mom I know how old you are you are 32
and mom you were born may 15
and mommy dad divorced you beause you had an F in sex!"

2007-06-06 12:04:18 · 12 answers · asked by LiLi =] 3

Three soldiers head into town after receiveing the first pass they have had in three weeks. After a few beers in a downtown tavern they find their way to an out-of-the-way brothel. They go in and ask about the price. "Depends on what you get," says the proprietor, "we've got a $25 deal, a $35 deal and a $50 deal. It's all up to you."

The first soldier says, "well I'm a little short this month, so I'm going to try out the $25 deal." So he goes into the room and comes out about a half hour later with a big grin on his face. "Well how was the $25 deal?", his friends ask. "It was great" he says, "this nice looking bruenette comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes a pineapple ring out of a can puts it around my cock and eats it off. It was great!"

The second soldier says, "That sounded great, I think I'm going to try the $35 deal." After about forty-five minutes the second soldier comes out of the room with an even bigger grin on his face than the first soldier. "What was the $35 deal like?' his friends inquire. "Well," he explains, "This great looking blonde comes in with nothing on, we have a little foreplay and then she takes two pineapple rings puts them both around my cock and eats them off." It was fantastic!!"

The third soldier says "I'm pretty well off this month and I've just got to try the $50 deal. So he goes into the room and comes out in about an hour with a bigger grin than the first two soldiers combined. "Well how was it?' ask his buddies with great excitement, "we're dieing to know what the $50 deal was like." "Well", says the third soldier, "this fantastic looking redhead comes in wearing nothing but a smile, we have a lot of foreplay and then she puts three pineapple rings around my cock, piles on some whipping cream, sprinkels on some nuts, and tops it off with a cherry."

"Well then what happened?" ask the first two soldiers, obviously excited by the story.

"It looked so damned good I ate it myself," confessed the third soldier.

2007-06-06 12:03:19 · 3 answers · asked by Lizard 2

One day a man came home from work after having a bad day at the office, he walks into the kitchen and says to his wife,"I don't know how you can be so stupid and so beautiful all at the same time." The wife responded,"Allow me to explain. God made me beautiful so you would be attracted to me; God made me stupid so I would be attracted to you!"

2007-06-06 11:35:11 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Are you podiaphile?,,,or do you know what one is?

2007-06-06 11:33:45 · 3 answers · asked by rhardfrumnc 4

Nope, the're great just like you and me. But they are also the brunt of some funny jokes...nothing personal to those which are fair haired...

Red Ears

A blonde with two red ears went to her doctor. The doctor asked her what had happened to her ears and she answered, "I was ironing a shirt and the phone rang - but instead of picking up the phone I accidentally picked up the iron and stuck it to my ear."
"Oh Dear!" the doctor exclaimed in disbelief. "But. what happened to your other ear?" "The son of a ***** called back."

2007-06-06 11:21:09 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

who can make me laugh the hardest i will choose you as my best answer

2007-06-06 11:13:39 · 12 answers · asked by jade k 2

For some time I have wondered just who is Jack Schitt? I'm at a loss when someone says, “You don't know Jack Schitt!” Well, thanks to genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt. Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O.Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack. In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout. After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock.

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Loda Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

Now when someone says, “You don't know Jack Schitt” you can correct them.

Sincerely,

Crock O. Schitt

2007-06-06 09:42:53 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A father rushes his son into hospital after a nasty accident, unfortunately the son needs an emergency operation. The surgeon goes to see the boy and his father 'I can't operate on this child, he is my son!' says the surgeon. How can this be? Points for the 1st correct answer.

2007-06-06 09:30:25 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-06 09:17:06 · 4 answers · asked by william wallace 1

2007-06-06 09:14:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

PLEASE SEND ME LINKS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

2007-06-06 09:09:45 · 3 answers · asked by Brett A. 2

frosted flakes.

2007-06-06 09:04:39 · 13 answers · asked by Joshua B 1

Peter says that he was born on the 29th February 1900. What age would he be in 2000?????????Answer will be posted after and first one to get right gets points.........

2007-06-06 08:57:54 · 30 answers · asked by SIR TJM 5

can any one show me?

2007-06-06 08:54:26 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-06 08:45:18 · 5 answers · asked by C W 5