Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Charlie a 19 year old adult was sitting in his seat with a 30 yearold man next to him when the stewardess ask if they would like a drink(alcohol). The 30 year old man replied" A gin and tonic please." the stewardess then ask Charlie "What would you like sir?" Charlie replied "I would rather be raped by 5 savage women then have alcohol in my mouth." On that very spot the 30 year old man canceled his order" I never knew we had that choice"

2007-06-08 09:23:44 · 5 answers · asked by Mickey 2

Make me one with everything :)

2007-06-08 09:09:35 · 2 answers · asked by panndora 4

Sorry dudes, I've been having Yahoo! Answers angst.... I will try to get on everyday and check up on my question.

The Movement

What movement made by which muscle or limb or libmbs is, without using any object such as a lever, the most powerful the human body is capable of?

Anyway, props to Erwin Brecher.

Answer to the sunken sub (which I do belive was the last one I put up):

Water preassure pushes perpendicular to a subarine's hull at every point, at the bottm as well as at the top and sides. When a sub settles on a clay or sandy bottom, the water layer may be squeezed out from beneath the hull, robbing the sub or mushc of its upward buoyant force. In effect, the downward forces can then ''glue'' the sub to the bottom.

Good luck and have fun!

2007-06-08 03:18:16 · 11 answers · asked by coopyey 3

2007-06-08 03:09:45 · 8 answers · asked by sivaan s 1

Why won't Y! Answers post MY picture on their web site? Isn't that discrimination?

2007-06-08 02:37:18 · 5 answers · asked by Scotty Doesnt Know 7

1. You accidentally enter your password on the microwave.>2.You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years. >3.You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3. >4.You e-mail the person who works at the desk next to you. >5.Your reason for not staying in touch with friends and family is that > they don't have e-mail addresses. >6.You pull up in your own driveway and use your cell phone to see if anyone > is home to help you carry in the groceries. >7.Every commercial on television has a web site at the bottom of the screen. >8.Leaving the house without your cell phone, which you didn't have the first 20 > or 30 (or 60) years of your life, is now a cause for panic and you turn around > to go and get it. >10.You get up in the morning and go on line before getting your coffee. >11.You start tilting your head sideways to smile. : ) >12You're reading this and nodding and laughing. >13.Even worse, you know exactly to whom you are going to forward this message. >14.You are too busy to notice there was no #9 on this list. >15.You actually scrolled back up to check that there wasn't a #9 on this list >AND NOW YOU ARE LAUGHING at yourself.

2007-06-08 02:08:00 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous

You know you're a BRITISH 90's kid if...
> >
> > 1. You can sing the rap to "The Fresh Prince of Bel Air".
> > 2. You remember when it was actually worth getting up on a
> Saturday morning
> > to watch Live&Kicking (you know the number - 0181 811
> 8181!- err and the tune...!) or SM:TV.
> > 3. You had a huge fringe at some point in your childhood.
> > 4. You remember reading and watching "Goosebumps".
> > 5. You took plastic cartoon lunchboxes to school.
> > 6. You remember the craze of YoYo's and Tamagotchis (and
> the subsequent
> > banning of them in school).
> > 7. You still get the urge to say "Not" after every
> sentence. Not.
> > 8. You knew that Kimberley, the Pink Ranger, and Tommy,
> the Green Ranger,
> > were meant to be.
> > 9. You collected Pokémon cards.
> > 10. You played and/or collected Pogs.
> > 11. You had a weird alien that lived in gooey stuff in a
> plastic 'pod' and
> > thought that if you stuck 2 back to back they would have a
> baby!
> > 12. You watched the original Postman Pat, Fireman Sam and
> Ninja Turtles
> > (back in the day when they were 'Hero' Turtles).
> > 13. You remember when the new Beenie Babies were always
> sold out.
> > 14. You got your mum to buy 'BN' buscuits.
> > 15. You used to wear those stick on earrings, not only on
> your ears but at
> > the corners of your eyes.
> > 16. You know the Macarena by heart and Saturday Night too.
> > 17. "Talk to the hand".
> > 18. You remember the time before Literacy and Numeracy
> hour existed.
> > 19. You thought that Brain from "Pinkey and the Brain"
> actually could take
> > over the world.
> > 20. You remember Bum Bags, they weren't even cool then.
> > 21. You always wanted to be on Fun House.
> > 22. You collected Tazos.
> > 23. 2 words, Spice Girls.
> > 24. "Clarissa Explains It All" and "Saved By The Bell"
> were your favourite
> > shows.
> > 25. You wore as many shag bands as you could fit on your
> arm.
> > 26. You remember Robbie leaving and Take That splitting up
> :'(
> > 27. You wanted lights in your trainers like the cool kids.
> > 28. Nintendo was replaced by Super Nintendo (sorry but the
> Princess is in
> > another castle).
> > 29. Computer screens were black (or green) with white
> writing.
> > 30. Disney, Coke and MacDonalds ruled the world.
> > 31. You thought that "South Park" was hillarious even if
> you didn't get half
> > the jokes.
> > 32. You had a Nokia 3310 (or really wanted one).
> > 33. Michael Jackson was weird but still respected for his
> music.
> > 34. All the boys had their hair in 'curtains'.
> > 35. Nickelodeon was cool.
> > 36. The Chuckle Brothers were not.
> > 37. "Wax on, Wax off." Need i say more?
> > 38. You wore Addidas 3 stripe joggers or poppers.
> > 39. Nike Air Max and Reebok Classics were 'must have'
> trainers (and Kickers
> > for school).
> > 40. Girls thought blue mascara looked good.
> > 41. Girls thought hair mascara looked good.
> > 42. You remember Mr. Motivator.
> > 43. You had scrunchies in every colour and hair bands with
> your name on it
> > in glitter.
> > 44. You bought Smash Hits Magazine for the song lyrics.
> > 45. Everyone owned something from NafNaf or Fruit Of The
> Loom (probably in
> > grey).
> > 46. You ate Spicy Tomato flavour Space Raiders (and they
> were only 10p!).
> > 47. Tammy Girl was where we got our cool clothes.
> > 48. Good Saturday evening telly consisted of "Gladiators",
> "Catchphrase" and
> > "Noel's House Party".
> > 49. You loved CKone.
> > 50. It's PJ and Duncan not Ant and Dec.
> > 51. Everyone ate Fruit Salads and Black Jacks.
> > 52. Chris Evans presented everything.
> > 53. You had at least one Troll.
> > 54. You had / wanted / hated Furbys.
> > 55. You remember that "Hooch" was the original alcopop.
> > 56. You taped the Pepsi Chart Show.
> > 57. "I know you are, you said you are, but what am I
> then?" was the answer
> > to all insults.
> > 58. You shouted "LEG IT!" when running away from
> something.
> > 59. You wore jelly shoes.
> > 60. You loved "Knightmare" and "The Crystal Maze" (which
> are now repeated on
> > Challege TV!).
> > 61. You were always singing the theme tune to "Round The
> Twist".
> > 62. They will ALWAYS be Opal Fruits, not Starbursts.
> > 63. You had a million gel pens.
> > 64. You watched "The Poddington Peas".
> > 65. You remember classic Levi's ads such as "Spaceman" and
> "Flat Eric".
> > 66. "If you like a lot of chocolate on your biscuit join
> our Club".
> > 67. You remember the craze of Scratch and Sniff.
> > 68. You remember Sony Walkmans.
> > 69. You know who Alf is.
> > 70. You waited for 7.30pm on BBC1 every friday to watch
> TOTP.
> > 71. You wanted to / tried to make Tracey Island.
> > 72. You compared football stickers in the playground "got,
> got, need".

2007-06-08 01:45:48 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A funeral car goes slowly by and one of them just stops mid-swing, takes off his cap, and bows his head until the hearse has gone by. Then he resumes his stroke.

His mate says 'wow. That was one of the most respectable things I have ever seen, steve'

Steve answers 'well it was only right. I mean, we were married 25 years.'

2007-06-08 01:12:24 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde is on her way to work one day when she passes a shop and notices a shinny object in the window. She walks in and asks the clerk what it is.

"Its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"

So she buys it and goes to work.

A little while later her boss, another blonde, walks by and sees the thermos.

"What is it?"
"Its a thermos"
"What does it do?"
"It keeps hot things hot and cold things cold"
"What do you have in it?"
"Two cups of coffee and a popsicle"

2007-06-08 01:10:52 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Man says 'actually, it's for under my arms'

2007-06-08 01:01:02 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three hot blondes were to decide what they were going to wear for a party. The first one said, "My father has black hair, so I'll wear a black dress!". Struck by this idea, the second one said, "My father has brown hair, so I'll wear a brown dress!". Following this, the third one said, "My father is bald, so I'll go Naked!".

2007-06-08 01:00:04 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man who's wife was pregnant couldn't bear to be in the delivery room at the time of the birth.
So he thought he'd ring up later to see if it had come yet.
He rang up and the nurse said "it's a girl but theres another one on the way"
he rang again later and the nurse said "it's another girl but there's another coming"
he rang once more and the nurse said " it's a boy but there's another coming"
He couldn't stand it any more so he went to the pub and got drunk.
An hour later he was really nervous. He was dialling the hospital, hands shaking, and accidently dialled the sports line. he asked " how many did we get mate" the person said "198 all out.... and the last one was a duck"

2007-06-08 00:58:51 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A american is heading to Japan (not sure if he's a politician or what) and is to play golf with the Jappanese Minister the next day.

That night he picks up a woman at a bar and takes her hom with him. That night their having sex and she keeps going (not sure the right word) "carumba... carrumba"

Assuming she's cheering him on he keeps going.

the next day the two men are playing golf and the minister hits a hole in one.

the american says "carrumba"

the jap turns around, "What do you mean wrong hole?"

2007-06-08 00:56:03 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

class of children. They were all on a cruise. A couple of days later the ship hits a iceberg and it begins to sink. So the kids get on a line to get off the ship, and then the lawyner runs pass the kids and get on the lifeboat that was for the kids and says, lets go." Then the priest says,"what about the children." The lawyner says,"screw the children." Then the priest says,"do
have time for that.

2007-06-08 00:54:55 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do you circumcise a redneck?
Kick his sister on the chin.

2007-06-08 00:48:02 · 4 answers · asked by fox_71498 3

One day a lil boy went to school and one student called out to the teachers question " It's a penis!" Curious the boy came home that day and asked his father, "Dad, what's a penis?" The father takes the boy to the bathroom and takes out his penis and says " That is a genuine penis."

So the following day the boy and his friend went to the bathroom. The lil boy says to his friend, " Guess what a penis is." The boy pulls his pants down and says " Now, if that was two inches shorter, and more wrinkeld, that would be a genuine penis!"

2007-06-08 00:44:45 · 17 answers · asked by Taddy 2

A new business was opening & one of the owner's friends wanted to send flowers for the occasion.
They arrived at the new business site & the owner read the card; it said

"Rest in Peace".

The owner was angry & called the florist to complain. After he had told the florist of the obvious mistake and how angry he was, the florist said,

"Sir, I'm really sorry for the mistake, but rather than getting angry you should imagine this: somewhere there is a funeral taking place today, and they have your flowers with a note saying,

"Congratulations on your new location"

2007-06-08 00:42:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.

On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."

"What?" said the puzzled groom.

"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"

"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.

Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.

Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.

Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.

Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.

Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.

Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.

Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.

Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.

Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"

"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"

"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

2007-06-08 00:40:17 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Every day, a male co-worker walks up very close to a lady standing at the coffee machine, inhales a big breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this, she can't stand it anymore, takes her complaint to a supervisor in the personnel department and states that she wants to write a sexual harassment grievance against him.

The Human Resources Supervisor is puzzled by this decision and asks "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"

The woman replies, "It's Keith, the dwarf."

2007-06-08 00:34:03 · 22 answers · asked by Miss Tickle 4

were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship. The male whale recognized it as the same ship that harpooned his father many years earlier.

He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and sink."

They tried it, and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank. Soon however, the whales realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were swimming to the safety of shore. The male was outraged at the thought they may get away and told the female "lets swim after them and swallow them up before they reach the shore." At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.

"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow- job, but I absolutely refuse to swallow the seamen.

2007-06-08 00:29:36 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Rodeo Sex
1 Start sh*gging your wife doggy style
2 Lean over and grab both of her t*ts
3 Whisper in her ear "You?re not as good as your sister"
4 Try to hold on for at least eight seconds.

2007-06-08 00:28:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is a hindu?


It makes eggs

2007-06-08 00:25:59 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-08 00:25:17 · 7 answers · asked by 2BaD4u 4

The council food hygeine inspector's secret visit to Alf's cafe for tea and a currant bun (On expenses) revealed Alf's horrible habit of wiping his nose on his sleeve before grabbing a bun and slinging it onto a plate and making sure the cup was clean by licking his finger and wiping it round inside the cup. Threatened with closure Alf considered some inprovements. When the inspector made his next visit, Alf explained his new routine. "All cakes are taken from the baker's tray with this pair of silver tongs and placed on the trolley. The cake of your choice is placed on your plate with these silver tongs." Alf said he was so hygeine conscious now that the string round his neck was in fact, attached to his penis and when he went to the lav his just pulled the string and the little fellow would pop out, untouched by human hands.. How did he tuck it back again? Easy, he used the silver tongs.

2007-06-08 00:21:31 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

and one of them was smoking a cigarette. It started to rain, so the old lady reached into her purse, took out a condom, cut off the tip and slipped it over her cigarette and continued to smoke. Sort of a raincoat for her cigarette.

Her friend saw this and said, "Hey that's a good idea! What is it that you put over your cigarette?"

The other old lady said, "It's a condom."

"A condom? Where do you get those?"

The lady with the cigarette told her friend that you could purchase condoms at the pharmacy. When the two old ladies arrived downtown, the old lady with all the questions went into the pharmacy and asked the pharmacist if he sold condoms. The pharmacist said yes, but looked a little surprised that this old lady was interested in condoms, but he asked her, "What size do you want?"

The old lady thought for a minute and then said, "One that will fit a Camel!"

2007-06-08 00:10:11 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

he said here comes a heard of elephants
What did tarzan say when he seen a heard of elephants coming with sun glasses on





he didn't say anything because he reconize them


(sorry just reducing my violations for the day)

2007-06-08 00:04:43 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Car thieves:

Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view.

All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.


Depressed people:

Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help',simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.


Motorists:

Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving.

Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.


Jeremy Beadle:

When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.


Shoes last twice as long if only worn every other day.

Single men:

Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

2007-06-07 23:29:39 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

and she had a coach seat. When she got on the plane she sat in first class. A stewardess came and told her to go into coach she said she didn't have to. Another stewardess came and said if she didn't go in coach she would get the co-pilot. She said she wouldn't move. The co-pilot came and whispered something in her ear and she got up and went to coach. The other two asked how he did it and he said he told her this part of the plane wasn't going to Paris



Q: One day the teacher asked a non blonde to name all the capitals in the United States Of America.
A: The blonde said easy U.S.A.

2007-06-07 23:25:13 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A family is having their dinner. the little girl said to his father"dad,today that "xxx" uncle came to our house and mom exchanged kisses with him"
the father asked"then what happened?"
"then mom helped that uncle remove his dress and he helped mom remove her dress"
then what happened?!!!!!!
the girl answers "then they both did what you and "yyy"aunt did yesterday

2007-06-07 23:00:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-07 22:54:49 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous