Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

She asked if she could have a bath but the woman of the house told her they didn't have a bathroom and she could use a tin bath in front of the fire.

"Monday's the best night, when my husband goes out to play darts," she said, so the girl agreed to have a bath the following Monday.

After her husband had gone to the pub for his darts match, the woman filled the bath and watched as the girl got undressed. She was surprised to see that the lass didn't have any
pubic hair and told her husband when he came home.

He didn't believe her so she said:

2007-06-09 04:14:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Silliest answer gets the points

2007-06-09 02:40:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

If u dont give me your cell no then do u know what will happen, u cant imagine what will happen, u are anxious so let me tell u if u dont give out your cell no , i can ... i can do nothing lol

2007-06-09 00:22:22 · 10 answers · asked by Zain 1

2007-06-09 00:00:19 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

You think the Mountain Men in deliverance were just "Misunderstood".
You've ever made change in the offering plate.
If the fifth grade is referred to as "your senior year".
You consider a good tan to be the back of your neck and the left arm below the shirt sleeve...
You own at least 20 baseball hats.
You know of at least six different ways to bend the bill of a baseball hat.
You can change the oil in your truck without ducking your head.
When you run out of gas, you put gin in the gas tank!
Three quarters of the clothes you own have LOGOS on them.
You have 5 cars that are immobile and a house that isn't!
Your gene pool doesn't have a "deep end".
Your `huntin dawg' cost more than the truck you drive him around in.
You'd rather catch bass than get some (if you can't guess...)
You have a Hefty bag for a Car/Truck convertible top.
You think that safe sex is a padded headboard on the waterbed.
You own more cowboy boots than sneakers.
You've been to a funeral and there were more pick-ups than cars.
You have a picture of Johnny Cash, Willie Nelson, or Elvis over your fireplace.
You just bought an 8-track player to put in your car.
There are four or more cars up on blocks in the front yard.
The theme song at your high school prom was `Friends in Low Places'.
It's easier to spray weed killer on your lawn than mow it.
You've ever climbed a water tower with a bucket of paint to defend your sister's honor.
Your idea of talking during sex is "Ain't no cars coming, baby!"
Your vehicle has a two-tone paint job, primer red and primer gray.
The tobacco chewers in your family aren't just men.
Ya have to check in the bottom yer shoe for change so you can get grandma a new plug of tobacco.

2007-06-08 23:29:14 · 6 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

a place you go to drink alcohol
2nd three letters is a place you go to drink alcohol
last three are the same as the last three of a library worker

only clue for the middle name is it has three letters

2007-06-08 23:21:52 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

You looked troubled,” I told my friend, “what’s your problem?”

He replied, “I’m going to be a father.”

“But that’s wonderful,” I said.

“What’s wonderful ? My wife doesn’t know about it yet.”

2007-06-08 22:43:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-08 22:29:31 · 16 answers · asked by rafrot 1

2007-06-08 22:23:27 · 21 answers · asked by Frank D 2

2007-06-08 22:22:10 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

He also tried to hypnotise with his evil clowny colors, and then him and his 10 other clowns squeezed into a small car and chased me What Should I Do?

2007-06-08 22:22:00 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am a regular visitor in every household. If I am absent for 24 hours, I am sorely missed. People welcome me when I come yet feel refreshed when I am gone. Kids and the elderly need me more than the young. What am I?

2007-06-08 21:54:33 · 13 answers · asked by Traveller 5

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time.... >I know where my watch is pal, where the hell is yours? Do I point at my >crotch when I ask where the toilet is? > > 2 People who are willing to get off their *** to search the >entire room for the T.V.. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. >and change the channel manually. > > 3 When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it >too". Damn right! What good is cake if you can't eat it? > > 4 When people say "it's always the last place you look". Of >course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? >Do people do this? Who and where are they? Gonna Kick their asses! > > 5 When people say while watching a film "did you see that?". No >Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the damn floor. > > 6 People who ask "Can I ask you a question?".... Didn't really >give me a choice there, did ya sunshine? > > > 7. When something is 'new and improved!'. Which is it? If it's >new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an >improvement, then there must have been something before it, couldn't be >new. > > 8 When people say "life is short". What the hell?? Life is the >longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer? > >
> > > 9 When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks "Has the bus >come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here, dumbass? > >

2007-06-08 20:43:29 · 12 answers · asked by kumar v 3

...yell out from the crowd when I realized my lack of clothing and dove behind the podium for cover?

2007-06-08 19:55:44 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

this is funny - type out the sentence you end up with



Pick the month you were born :

January------I kicked

February-----I loved

March------- I did the Macarena with

April---------I dry humped

May---------I choked on

June---------I murdered

July---------- I smoked weed with

August-------I had lunch with

September---I danced with

October------I sang to

November----I yelled at

December----I ran over



Pick the day (number) you were born on:

1-------a birdbath

2-------a monster

3-------a phone

4-------a fork

5-------a Mexican

6-------a gangster

7-------my cell phone

8-------my dog

9-------my best friends' boyfriend

10-------my neighbour

11-------my science teacher

12-------a banana

13-------a fireman

14-------a stuffed animal

15-------a goat

16-------a pickle

17-------your mom

18-------a spoon

19-------myself

20-------a baseball bat

21-------a ninja

22-------Chuck Norris

23-------a noodle

24-------a squirrel

25-------a football player

26-------my sister

27------ my pet rabbit

28-------my brother

29-------a permanent marker

30-------a llama

31-------A homeless guy



Pick the colour of shirt you are wearing:

White--------because I'm cool like that

Black---------because that's how I roll.

Pink----------because I'm NOT a homosexual.

Red----------because the voices told me to.

Blue----------because I'm sexy and I do what I want

Green---------because I hate myself.

Purple--------because I'm cool.

Gray----------because I was drunk

Yellow--------because someone offered me 1,000,000 dollars

Orange-------because I hate my family.

Brown--------because I was high.

Other---------because I'm a ninja warrior

None---------because I cant control myself



Now type out the sentence you made....

2007-06-08 19:08:12 · 57 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-08 18:54:58 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

He and she went on a blind date. They were sitting in a restaurant having coffee. They found they were not comfortable with each other . Both were bored, when his phone rang. He said excuse me and went out to hear the phone. soon he returned. "Sorry i have to go my father is very sick."
"thanks" she said,"if yours wouldn't have been sick, soon mine would have been."

2007-06-08 17:19:52 · 12 answers · asked by prs 6

2007-06-08 16:36:25 · 21 answers · asked by bettiewoeswoes 2

2007-06-08 16:22:03 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

Only one color, but not one size, Stuck at the bottom, yet easily flies. Present in sun, but not in rain, Doing no harm, and feeling no pain. What is it?

2007-06-08 16:18:00 · 12 answers · asked by ilovesomeone 3

A distinguished young woman on a flight from Switzerland asked the priest beside her, "Father, may I ask a favor?"

"Of course. What may I do for you?"

"Well, I bought an expensive woman's electronic hair dryer for my mother's birthday that is unopened and well over the Customs limits, and I'm afraid they'll confiscate it. Is there any way you could carry it through Customs for me? Under your robes perhaps?"

"I be glad to help you, dear, but I must warn you: I will not lie."

She nodded and accepted the risk. "With your honest face, Father, no one will question you."

When they got to Customs, she let the priest go ahead of her.

The official asked, "Father, do you have anything to declare?"

"From the top of my head down to my waist, I have nothing to declare."

The official thought this answer was rather strange, so he asked, "And what do you have to declare from your waist to the floor?"

"I have a marvelous instrument designed to be used on a woman, but which is, to date, unused."

It took a moment for the customs man to absorb the statement, but once he did he had a hard time keeping a straight face as he called out, "Next!

2007-06-08 16:15:56 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you guys make of this?

4 royal members you must seek
They have tongues but cannot speak
They dwell in salt with armor strong
Where the majestic waves sing their song

Please explain why you think your answer fits the riddle.
Thanks.

2007-06-08 16:03:54 · 6 answers · asked by Studier Alpha 3

The world may never know.

2007-06-08 15:35:55 · 17 answers · asked by benbenben1221 2

Two Jewish guys (Abraham and Joseph) meet on the street, and they have not seen each other for a long time. One of them has a German Shepard and the other has a chihauha. Abraham comments Joseph on his chihauha. Joseph says, "yes it is a very good dog. My wife likes the lap dog and it is not very big so it doesn't have to be fed a lot." Joseph then comments Abraham on his dog. Abraham says, "yes it is a very good dog. if someone tries to rob the house they hear him bark and go away." So the two men decide to go and have lunch. they walk into the restaurants with their dogs and the manager comes over. He says to Abraham, "sir pets are not allowed in the resaturant." Abraham says, "I am legally blind and this is my seeing-eye dog. I am allowed to bring him anywhere i wish." The manager apologizes and lets him in. Joseph then comes in with his chihauha but the manager stops him. Joseph too says, I am legally blind and this is my seeing-eye dog. I am allowed to bring him

2007-06-08 15:13:35 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-08 14:45:13 · 46 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem. While they were there, the wife passed away. The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.

The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $150?"
The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."

2007-06-08 14:43:44 · 10 answers · asked by Brandi Lyn 2

A social misfit called pathfinder walks into his local pub with a big grin on his face.
"What are you so happy about?" asks the barman.
"Well I'll tell you," replies the ugly bloke. "You know I live by the railway, well on my way home last night I noticed a young woman tied to the tracks, like in the movies. I, of course, went and cut her free and took her back to my place. Anyway, to cut a long story short, I scored big time! We made love all night, all over the house. We did everything, me on top sometimes, her on top!"
"Fantastic," exclaimed the barman. "You lucky sod. Was she pretty?"
"I dunno, I never found her head."

2007-06-08 14:41:51 · 9 answers · asked by in bed with Jesus 3

How do you fit two elephants in a safeway bag?






k well take the s out of safe and the f out of way...
















did youb get it yet? take the f out of way...






yeah there is no f in way! ha ha ha there is no fing way to get those two elephants in a safeway bag! ha i think this is quite humourus what do you think?

2007-06-08 14:41:45 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

AS AN EMPLOYEE, ...

* the biggest motivation is salary

* the unluckiest thing is promotion without salary adjustment

* the most "shiok" thing is you don't work anyhow also get pay increment

* the greatest talent is "carry big stuff"

* the greatest mistake is to argue with your boss

* the most demoralising thing is to receive salary late

* the most pitiful thing is you did not get your salary and your boss ran away

* the happiest thing is you become your boss' boss

* the cleverest thing is you are late but boss doesn't know

* the stupidest thing is you publicly say that you are lazy

* the most common thing is - the boss says something but means another

* the proudest thing is you sack your boss

* the most "rugi" thing is you work hard but your colleague takes the credit

* the most dangerous thing is to become a "two-headed" snake

* the biggest satisfaction - sending stuff like this during office hours!!

:)

2007-06-08 14:40:14 · 2 answers · asked by Kay 5

While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.

The doctor came out and tried to calm her down. "I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"

"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."

"I think" explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."

2007-06-08 14:35:48 · 3 answers · asked by Kay 5