Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-10 06:50:23 · 13 answers · asked by jackie n 3

A man walks into a bar and finds a Genie in a lamp. The Genie will only grant him one wish. The man wishes to be a million times smarter than any man on earth. *POOF* the Genie turns him into a woman!

2007-06-10 06:41:58 · 15 answers · asked by Pinky 6

Stephen Hawkin after a housefire.

2007-06-10 06:35:40 · 18 answers · asked by bluenose 4

How can you subtract 2 from 5 and get 4?

2007-06-10 05:45:41 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old retired sailor puts on his old uniform and goes down to the docks
once more for old times sake.
He finds a little prostitute and goes up into the room with her,
draping his sailor suit across the bed.

He's going' at it as best he can for a guy his age and asks,
"How am I doing'?"

The whore says, "Well, sailor, you're doing about three knots."

What's that?" he asks.

She says,
"You're 'knot' hard, you're 'knot' in,
and you're 'knot' getting your money back!

2007-06-10 05:05:40 · 32 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy goes to see the doctor, because he's been a little too well endowed, shall we say. In fact, it's 25 inches long. Can't get any women to have sex with him. No men either, one would think.
Anyway, the doctor says there's nothing he can do medically, but sends him to see a witch that he thinks might be able to help. Witch takes a look at the problem (yikes!) and tells him to go to a particular pond, deep in the forest, and talk to a frog that lives there. "Ask the frog to marry you and each time the frog says no, you'll be 5 inches shorter."
Worth a try, he thinks, and off he dashes into the forest, as anyone in this sort of joke would. Finds the pond and sees the frog on the other side, sitting on a log. "Will you marry me?" he calls to the frog.
Frog looks at him, disinterested at best, and calls back, "No."
Guy looks down, sure enough, he's 5 inches shorter. Hey, this is great, he thinks-let's try that again. "Will you marry me?" Frog rolls his eyes and says........

2007-06-10 04:15:12 · 12 answers · asked by gardenerswv 5

A man is in bed with his wife when they hear a rat-a-tat-tat on the door. He rolls over and looks at his clock, and it's half past three in the morning. "I'm not getting out of bed at this time", he thinks, and rolls over. Then a louder knock follows.

"Aren't you going to answer that?" asks his wife. So he drags himself out of bed and goes downstairs. He opens the door to see a man standing there. It doesn't take him long to realise the man is drunk.

"Hi there", slurs the stranger. "Can you give me a push?" "No, get lost. It's half past three. I was in bed," says the man and slams the door.

He goes back up to bed and tells his wife what happened. "Dave, that wasn't very nice of you. Remember that night we broke down in the pouring rain on the way to collect the kids from the baby sitter and you had to knock on that man's door? What would have happened if he'd told us to get lost?"

"But the guy was drunk," says the husband. "It doesn't matter," says the wife. "Go downstairs and help him."

So the husband gets dressed and goes down to help him. He opens the door, and not being able to see the stranger anywhere he shouts,"Hey, do you still want a push?"

He hears a voice cry out, "Yeah, please."

Still being unable to see the stranger he shouts, "Where are you?"

And the stranger replies," Over here on your swing"

2007-06-10 03:35:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-10 03:33:45 · 9 answers · asked by unum 2

"honey since we got maried 50 yrs ago, i have been having sex with ur neighbour". not suprised the women says "honey since we've been married, every day i have sex i take out a page from our bible. angry the old men goes 2 their bedroom, open the drawer and find the bible without pages. nt believing it he collapses and end up in a coma. FUNNY NE!!

2007-06-10 03:22:36 · 12 answers · asked by lungi j 1

Two blokes were talking in a pub, and the first one says "On my way home from the pub last night I took a short cut over the railway track, and there was this woman there with her ti.ts hanging out. Well, we just started making love there and then. It was fantastic. I picked her up in my arms and took her back to my flat, and we had sex all night long. It was terrific, the best sex I've had in ages."

"Wow, you lucky get," said his mate, "What did she look like?"

"Don't know" he replied, "I couldn't find her head."

2007-06-10 03:21:20 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?






97% of Harvard graduates can not figure this riddle out,
But 84% of kindergarten students were able to figure this out,
In 6 minutes or less.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-06-10 03:08:12 · 12 answers · asked by hey_hey_hey 3

? times ?=63and it has 2 be the same #

2007-06-10 02:26:19 · 5 answers · asked by vapor47 2

2007-06-10 02:15:04 · 5 answers · asked by The Caretaker. 2

2007-06-10 01:02:13 · 13 answers · asked by killl_me_1st 1

2007-06-10 00:42:05 · 16 answers · asked by answerer 1

Was just watching a programme where they were joking about this but it made me think....What came first, the chicken or the egg??? Lol.

2007-06-09 23:14:21 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-09 22:51:43 · 2 answers · asked by barbara.mann2@btinternet.com 1

2007-06-09 21:49:04 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do ya get when you have 32 rednecks in the
same room?

A FULL SET OF TEETH:-)

2007-06-09 21:48:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

come on this one is easy!!!!!

2007-06-09 21:42:54 · 12 answers · asked by phil W 3

2007-06-09 21:34:00 · 13 answers · asked by Ashleigh 7

1. Bleed for a week without dying
2. Produce milk without eating grass
3. Make a man come without calling him!

2007-06-09 21:04:19 · 13 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

A teacher is teaching a class and asks one boy, "Who killed Abraham Lincoln?" He replies, "Dammit, I don't know and I don't care!" She was shocked at his language, and called his dad to tell him about it. When he picked his son up, the son told his dad what happened sulkily. The dad said, "Son, what's the matter with ya? If you killed the man, just say so!"

2007-06-09 20:44:24 · 14 answers · asked by omygosh 4

hi all, i dont know about ladies and their toilet habits and boastfulness but with men its who can glean the most laughs from the simple function of going to the toilet in the workplace.

CAUTION DESCRIPTIONS OF AN INFANTILE NATURE BELOW:

my own personal favourite is "it was so big i had to beat it to death with a stick before it went down" but i heard the best last week "it was just like a car race, the first one came out as pace car slow then the rest followed in quick succession". for number ones, "i picked this bird up last night, jesus she was a minger there wasnt enough space in the sink because of plates for me to have a decent pish.. whats your own favourite number one or two work related joke or analogy? btw i dont work in a nursery i work in something similar, a building site!.

2007-06-09 20:42:40 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer attempts to stop a car for speeding and the guy gradually increases his speed until he's topping 100 mph. He eventually realizes he can't escape and finally pulls over.

The cop approaches the car and says, "It's been a long day and my tour is almost over, so if you can give me a good excuse for your behavior, I'll let you go."

The guy thinks for a few seconds and then says, "My wife ran away with a cop about a week ago. I thought you might be that officer trying to give her back!"

2007-06-09 20:39:50 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Need about 30 turths and 30 dares and 30 conscequencience

2007-06-09 20:37:45 · 6 answers · asked by fourt8cards 2

And why?

2007-06-09 20:17:35 · 13 answers · asked by Nookie 1

So this guy and this girl have been going out for a while. They finally decide to make love for the first time. So the girl invites him over for diner to meet her parents. And the day before the dinner "date," the guy goes to a pharmesist to ask about sex, so the pharmesist tells him all about it and the guy buy's a condom off of him. So when the dinner "date" comes, the guy prays for 20 minutes straight. The girl says "I didn't know you were so religous." and he responds "i didn't know your father was a pharmesist."

2007-06-09 19:11:57 · 3 answers · asked by Tha Prince 1

and when you say that , do you really mean it?

2007-06-09 18:59:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

After returning from his honeymoon in Florida Luigi stopped in his N Y barbershop
"Hey Luigi how was da treep?"
"Everting was a perfect except for da train ride
We geta train at Grand Centrala. My beautiful Virginia had lotsa food & Vino & cigars for a me We were looking a forward to da trip. It was OK until we gota hungry & opened up da luncha. Da conductor come by wagged his finger & say "No eat in dese'a car Use da dining car
"So me & my beautiful'a Virginia we go to eat biga lunch & open da Vino"
Conduct he walk by again wag his finger & say "No drink'a in dese'a car Must'a use'a clubs'a car"
"While'a drinking Vino I start to light'a my big'a cigar The conduct he wag'a his finger again & say "No smoke in dese'a car Must'a go to da smoker car" At smoker car I smoke'a my cigar
Later my beautiful Virginia & I we go to da sleeper & go to bed We just about to have'a sex & da conduct he walks'a through da car shouts
"NO'FOLK'A,VIRGINIA! NOFOLK'A,VIRGINIA!"

2007-06-09 15:06:00 · 4 answers · asked by Farley 2