Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

An Hawaiian woodpecker & a Californian woodpecker were arguing about which place had the toughest trees. The Hawaiian woodpecker said Hawaii had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Californian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Hawaiian woodpecker was in awe.
The Californian woodpecker then challenged the Hawaiian woodpecker to peck a tree in CA that was absolutely impeckable. The Hawaiian woodpecker expressed confidence he could do it, so accepted the challenge.
After flying to CA, the Hawaiian woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem. So the 2 woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Californian woodpecker was able to peck the Hawaiian tree & the Hawaiian woodpecker was able to peck the Californian tree, but neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?
After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion.
YOUR PECKER IS ALWAYS HARDER WHEN YOU'RE AWAY FROM HOME!

2007-06-11 09:26:48 · 8 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

wat is 2+2(two plus two)

*Star if ur bord*

2007-06-11 09:15:56 · 46 answers · asked by XYZ 4

clue they are both blue and they are brothers

2007-06-11 08:02:01 · 8 answers · asked by malagutial 1

In short, its a funny old world isn't it?

2007-06-11 07:52:42 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-11 07:15:12 · 11 answers · asked by greenjo 1

WOMAN'S LOVE POEM
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, he won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door,
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to "how big is my behind?"
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.

MAN'S LOVE POEM
I pray for a deaf-mute nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and hunting. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a damn.

2007-06-11 07:12:06 · 9 answers · asked by texasgirl5454312 6

My friend went into hospital for a hysterectomy. After they had given her the pre-med she asked the anaethetist if they could save her ovaries. He replied that he wasn't sure if that would be possible because he didn't think it was hospital policy to give the patient back the removed ovaries. My friend replied, "I don't want them f ukcing pickled - I want them left insitu". I could just imagine the look on the anaethetist's face. Would love to hear any of your funny or embarrassing moments.

2007-06-11 07:05:22 · 20 answers · asked by JillPinky 7

Donald Rumsfield is giving the President his daily briefing on Iraq. He concludes by saying: "Yesterday, seven brazillian soldiers were killed in an ambush."
"Oh, no! That's terrible!" the President exclaims.
His staff sit stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the President sits, head in hands.
Finally, the President looks up and asks, "Um...how many is a brazillion?

2007-06-11 06:44:04 · 10 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

A first class magnifying glass!

2007-06-11 06:26:51 · 18 answers · asked by Whoa_Phat 4

There are these three guys, and they all need new toilet seats, so they go to this store, the first guy tells the sales man that he needs a new toilet seat. The sales guy immediately say "I know just the one for you. It is a temperature one, you can turn it hot, or cold, whatever you like!" The guy says "great! I'll take it!" The second guy too admitted that he needed a new toilet seat, the sales guy says "I have the prefect one for you! It's wooden, and will compliment any bathroom!" The guy says "Perfect!" The third guy also says he needs one too. The sales guy says "This one is just the one for you! It sings every time you flush!" All three guys happily take their new toilet seats home. But the next day, they all come back with complaints. The first guy says "This thing is malfunctioning! It always turns really cold, and then so hot it burns me!" The second guy says "I have splinters in my butt!" The third guy says "I hate it! It keeps singing 'Do you see what I see'"

2007-06-11 04:39:50 · 18 answers · asked by cookie monster 3

you make pancakes?



I wear nothin'

2007-06-11 04:29:40 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-11 04:27:11 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Once hear on the radio.

"I read today that 1 in 5 people on the planet are Chinese! Now, there are 5 people in my family, and I know I'm not Chinese. That means it could be my dad, my mum, my big brother Colin, or my little sister Ho-Choi.

2007-06-11 04:13:09 · 10 answers · asked by ? 7

Before marriage, he stayed away from women (and gays too)

2007-06-11 04:12:49 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Because he heard kids pants were half-off!

2007-06-11 04:12:38 · 8 answers · asked by anniemogolf 2

Once, there were two parents taking a shower together, so then their two children (a boy, and a girl) come in the bathroom and the girl asks the mother, "Mom, what's that down there?" and the mom answers, "A sharpener". Then, the boy asks the father, "Dad, what's that down there?" and the father answers, "a pencil" After 30 min. their parents came in their room and they ask, "WHAT ARE YOU DOINGGGGG...!!!", and they both said, "SHARPING THE PENCIL!!!"

2007-06-11 04:11:49 · 4 answers · asked by anniemogolf 2

A MushROOM!!!
That's funny! LOL!
: )

2007-06-11 03:40:37 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. The beggining of Eternity the ende of time and space the beggining of every end the end of every place.What am I?

2.You are trapped in a building with only three doors.The first door leads to a room with armed assasins, the second leads to a room with starving lions,the third leaadsinto a room with a giant rabid dog.Wich door, and you have to choose one do you enter?

3. What is the center of gravity?

4. I man walks north on his way out he walks then sees a bear.He turns around ain the opposite direction and runs north.He runs in a straight line until he see's another bear.He makes a sharp left and is headed North again. What color was the bear?

2007-06-11 02:54:47 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-11 02:25:34 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

do you think this is funny?

A blonde, brunette, and a black-haired man are in an elevator.

The brunette says to the blonde "eew, that man has dandruff. i should give him some Head and Shoulders"

the blonde then says: "how do you give shoulders?"

2007-06-11 02:24:14 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes home from the doctors to find her husband waiting anxiously "Well" asks husband " What did he say is wrong with you?" The blonde replied "Nothing really but he did compliment me on my *****" "WHAT" shouted the husband outraged "He said I have a really nice *****" said the blonde "Right" said the husband "I'm not putting up with this", and storms off down to the surgery to have words with the doctor about his behaviour. The man barges into the doctors surgery and demands "What do you think your doing? my wife comes in to see you and all you can do is perv at her body and compliment her on her *****! The doctor replies "I said no such thing I told her she has acute angina!"

2007-06-11 02:03:58 · 85 answers · asked by C S 2

a surname
do you know any lamer "jokes"

2007-06-11 00:27:56 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Find the error. Its impossible!!!!

AAA
BBB
CCC
DDD
EEE
FFF
GGG
HHH
III
JJJ
KKK
LLL
MMM
NNN
OOO
PPP
QQQ
RRR
SSS
TTT
UUU
VVV
WWW
XXX
YYY
ZZZ

Did you know that 80% of UCSD students could not find the error above?
Best answer to the first one that can solve this

2007-06-11 00:25:07 · 24 answers · asked by brooke,<3 5

June 2-6 , 197-1
well you have six for june and whats four -minus two backwards = six and seven minus one = six=
666

2007-06-11 00:23:07 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Why dont we have a wrist-clock rather than a wrist-watch? Or why not a wall-watch rather than wall-clock?

Who decided this?

2007-06-11 00:18:30 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-10 22:23:33 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-10 22:16:13 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

put a scratch and sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool ...


star if funny




sorry to all the blonde male and female people out there it's only a joke i love you all really....

2007-06-10 21:16:20 · 23 answers · asked by vanessa 3

Two nuns are driving down a road late at night when a vampire jumps onto the bonnet.

The nun who is driving says to the other, "Quick! Show him your cross."

So the other nun leans out of the window and shouts, "Get off our f*cking car."





A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of OAPs when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady.

She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks her: "Why don`t you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth", she replied.

"We just love the chocolate around them."



What do you call 100 nuns in a shop? Virgin Megastore.

2007-06-10 21:10:38 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My voice is tender, my waist is slender and I'm often invited to play. Yet wherever I go I must take my bow or else I have nothing to say. What am I?

2007-06-10 21:00:36 · 10 answers · asked by ? 5