Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

1. There must be something wrong with my eyes, I can't take them off you.

2. Are you from Tennessee? Because you're the only ten I see!

3. Hi, I make more money than you can spend.

4. HI! Can I buy you a car?

5. Can I buy you a drink or do you just want the money?.

6. Why don't you come over here, sit on my lap and we'll talk about the first thing that pops up?

7. Motion with your finger for a girl to come over. When she gets there say, "I knew if I fingered you long enough you would ***."

8. Excuse me. Do you want to **** or should I apologize?

9. Hey babe...can you suck a golf ball thru 50 feet of garden hose?

10. Hey babe, how about a pizza and a ****? [Slap] HEY! What's wrong, don't you like pizza?

11. Excuse me, have I fucked you yet?

12. I am a magical being, take off your bra.

13. My name's [your name]. That's so you know what to scream.

14. Can I have directions? ["To where?"] To your heart.

15. I'm new in town. Could you give me directions to your apartment?

16. **** me if I'm wrong, but isn't your name Gretchen?

17. That's a nice shirt, it would go great with my floor.

18. I think we have to make love on the front lawn like crazed weasels NOW!

19. I love you. I want to marry you. Now **** my brains out.

20. Forget that! Playing doctor is for kids! Let's play gynecologist.

2007-06-11 16:09:03 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three guys and a lady were sitting at the bar talking about their professions.

The first guy says "I'm a Y.U.P.P.I.E, you now....
Young, Urban, Professional, Peaceful; Intelligent; Ecologist"

The second guy says "I'm a D.I.N.K, you know....
Double Income, No Kids." The third guy says, "I'm a R.U.B., you know.... Rich, Urban, Biker."

They turn to the woman and ask her, "What are you?"
She replies: "I'm a WIFE, you know....Wash, Iron, F*ck, Etc."

So, just exactly what is a B I T C H?

B - BABE
I - IN
T - TOTAL
C - CONTROL OF
H - HERSELF

So ladies, next time somebody calls you a b i t c h.......

SMILE.........

And say Thank You!

2007-06-11 15:53:38 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

try to solve this...it is really super hard!! (you need to be gifted sometimes...)



Riddle:


What walks on 4 legs in the morning, 2 legs in the afternoon, and 3 legs at night?



this is kind of a trick question...

2007-06-11 15:41:05 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

Doctor:I have good news and bad news.
Patient: You better give me the bad news first.
Doctor: OK. You have cancer and only 6 months to live.
Patient: Oh my God! What's the good news?
Doctor: You also have Alzheimers disease.
Patient: Phew, what a relief. I thought I had cancer.

2007-06-11 14:57:10 · 6 answers · asked by BeckV 2

This problem is beyond pointless, and I don't feel like working on it:


Most everyone knows about Ali Baba and the 40 thieves, but not everyone knows about Ali's younger brother, Bubba Baba. One night Bubba followed Ali and watched him enter the thieves' hideaway. Later, Bubba returned to the hideaway alone, and spoke the magic words, "Open Sesame." The door opened and Bubba entered the cave. He was astonished to find 4,120 pounds of gold and silver nuggets. There were four times as many 1-pound gold nuggets as 3-pound gold nuggets. He found three times as many 3-pound silver nuggets as 6-pound silver nuggets. How many gold and silver nuggets of each size did Bubba discover in the thieves' hideaway? (Please explain).

2007-06-11 14:30:50 · 7 answers · asked by v c 1

Two college buddies wanted to go drinking one Saturday night. Having only 50 cents between them they devised a plan to get free drinks all night.

They went to a vendor at the corner and ordered a plain hot dog no bun. One of the guys then placed the hotdog in the front of his jeans. They proceeded to the first bar.

Not wanting to push their luck they kept the tab fairly low and when the bartender asked for payment the two gentlemen looked at each other and one guy opened his zipper and let the hotdog protrude while the other got on his knees and placed his mouth on it.

Disgusted with this scene the bartender threw the two out. This went on for about 5 bars when one guy looked at the other and said he was tired of getting on his knees, "Let me have the hotdog in the next bar."

The first guy shrugged the guy off and said, "Oh shoot, I got rid of that thing 3 bars back...."

2007-06-11 14:30:24 · 7 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

The animals of the jungle decided to hold a football match. The lion headed one team and the rhino the other. The game started and lion had the ball. Suddenly the elephant on the rhinos team trampled the lion grabbed the ball and took off. No one could stop him as he crossed the line again and again and again. Down 40 - nil at the break, the lion called his team for a meeting.
"We have to stop that elephant!" He said. "Without him the team would be awful!"
"But he's too big" said the zebra.
The animals agreed that no matter what, they wouldn't let the elephant get the ball.
The second half started and the lion's team had the ball. They were close to their line when sure enough, the elephant grabbed the ball and took off. Suddenly he dropped down dead. He'd been bitten by the centipede on the lion's side.
"Why didn't you do that in the first half?" the lion roared.
"I'm sorry," said the centipede. "I was putting on my shoes."

2007-06-11 14:29:17 · 9 answers · asked by BeckV 2

I already know the answer but i want to see if any of you know it.

*What is greater than God?
More evil than the devil?
The poor have it,
The rich need it,
and if you eat it, you'll die.
Any one know?

2007-06-11 14:05:55 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a bar, sits down, and asks, "Bartender, got any specials today?"

Bartender answers, "Yes, as a matter of fact we have a new drink, invented by A gynecologist parton of ours. It's a mix of Pabst Blue Ribbon Beer and Smirnoff Vodka."

The guy asks, "Good grief, what do you call that?"

The Bartender replies, "It's called a Pabst Smir."

2007-06-11 13:45:48 · 10 answers · asked by Boondocksaint 4

An 80 year old woman was arrested for shop lifting.

When she went before the judge he asked her,
"What did you steal"?

She replied "A can of peaches".

The judge then asked her how many peaches were in the can,

She replied "Six".

The judge then said "I will give you six days in jail".

Before the judge could pronounce the punishment, the husband spoke up and said,
"She also stole a can of peas".

2007-06-11 13:26:39 · 39 answers · asked by redcar_rebel 2

given for his premature ejaculation problem. The shocked doctor asks him to explain in detail what went wrong.

The man says he took his urologist's advice and bought a starter's pistol to scare himself seconds before he ejaculates; the doctor had told him the noise would scare him out of the moment and help him last longer.

The man was so excited, he says, that he came home early with the pistol to surprise his wife. He ran to the bedroom and surprisingly found his wife in bed naked. He was so overjoyed and excited that he ripped off his clothes and proceeded to engage in a wild, passionate 69 position.

"So then my therapy worked," says the doctor.

"Not really," the man says. "It was so hot that I thought I was going to come, so I reached down the floor, grabbed the gun, and fired a shot into the ceiling."

The doctor, still confused asks, "Then what?"

The man says, "I scared my wife so bad that she craped on my face and bit off my penis. Then my naked best friend burst out of the closet screaming!"

2007-06-11 13:08:09 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you think motivated it? Why do we care? Let's just eat it!

2007-06-11 12:53:58 · 16 answers · asked by Straw Hat Samurai 2.0 3

please feel free to read my other jokes if you have not done so ,after all im here to make you laugh .................................
Mr. Smith owned a small business. He had two employees, Sarah and Jack. They were both extremely good employees - always willing to work overtime and chip in where needed.

Mr. Smith was looking over his books one day and decided that he wasn't making enough money to warrant two employees and he would have to lay one off. But both Sarah and Jack were such good workers he was having trouble finding a fair way to do it. He decided that he would watch them work and the first one to take a break would be the one he would lay off.

So, he sat in his office and watched them work. Suddenly, Sarah gets a terrible headache and needs to take an aspirin. She gets the aspirin out of her purse and goes to the water cooler to get something to wash it down with. Mr. Smith follows her to the water cooler, taps her on the shoulder and says, "Sarah, I'm going to have to lay you or Jack off."

And Sarah says, "Can you jack off? I have a headache!"

2007-06-11 12:48:06 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A week after their marriage, the Redneck newlyweds paid a visit to their doctor...

"I can't figure it out doc, and I'm really worried,"
said the husband.

"My testicles are turning blue."

"That's pretty unusual," said the doctor. "Let me examine you."

The doctor takes a look. Sure enough, the Redneck's testicles are blue.

The doctor turns to the wife. "Are you using the diaphragm that I prescribed?"

"Yes, I am," she replied.

"And what kind of jelly are you using with it?"

"Grape".

2007-06-11 12:42:09 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes to a store's deodorant display and tells the clerk,

"I need to buy some deodorant for my husband."

"Does he use the ball kind?" inquired the clerk.

"No," replied the blonde, "The kind for under his arms."

2007-06-11 12:34:07 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman keeps asking her husband if her boobs are so small. ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?'' she asks.
The next day her husband buys her a mirror. Before bed, she always looks in the mirror and asks her husband, ''Does this shirt make them look bigger? Does this one make them look smaller?''

Finally he gets so annoyed that he says, ''I know how to make them larger!''

''How!?!?!?'' she asks.

''Take a bunch of toilet paper and rub it in between your boobs.''

''Well how long does it take?'' she asks.

''They should expand over the years,'' he answers.

''How did you know that?'' she wonders.

''I dunno, but it sure worked for your ***, didn't it?'''

2007-06-11 12:31:20 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde gets on an airplane and sits down in the first class section of the plane. The stewardess rushes over to her and tells her she must move to coach because she doesn't have a first class ticket. The blonde replies, "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job, and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica."

The disgusted stewardess gets the head stewardess who asks the blonde to leave. The blonde yet again repeats "I'm blonde, I'm smart, I have a good job and I'm staying in first class until we reach Jamaica." The head stewardesses doesn't even know what to do at this point because they still have to get the rest of the passengers seated to take off; the blode is causing a problem with boarding now, so the stewardess gets the copilot.

The copilot goes up to the blonde and whispers in her ear. She immediately gets up and goes to her seat in the coach section. The head stewardess asks the copilot in amazement what he said to get her to move to her correct seat. The copilot replies, "I told her the front half of the airplane wasn't going to Jamaica."

2007-06-11 11:52:21 · 31 answers · asked by ALt 3

One day, while a blonde was out driving her car, she ran into a truck.

The truck's driver made her pull over into a parking lot and get out of the car.

He took a piece of chalk and drew a circle on the pavement. He told her to stand in the middle and not leave the circle.

Furious, he went over to her car and slashed the tires.

The blonde started laughing.

This made the man angrier so he smashed her windshield.

This time the blonde laughed even harder.

Livid, the man broke all her windows and keyed her car.

The blonde is now laughing hysterically, so the truck driver asks her what's so funny.

The blonde giggles and replies, "When you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle three times!"

2007-06-11 11:50:11 · 10 answers · asked by ALt 3

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

2007-06-11 11:48:55 · 7 answers · asked by ALt 3

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can buy the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"


Star if you think its funny

2007-06-11 11:47:46 · 7 answers · asked by ALt 3

An WWII American soldier had been on the front lines in Europe for three months, when he was finally given a week of R&R. He caught a supply boat to a supply base in the south of England, then caught a train to London.

The train was extremely crowded and he could not find a seat. He was dead on his feet and walked the length of the train looking for any place to sit down. Finally he found a compartment with seats facing each other; there was room for two people on each seat. On one side sat only a proper looking, older British lady, with a small dog sitting in the empty seat beside her.

"Could I please sit in that seat?" he asked. The lady looked down her nose at the soldier, sniffed and said, "You Americans are so rude" she said, "Can't you see my dog is sitting there?"

He walked through the train more and still could not find a seat. He found himself back at the same place. "Lady, I love dogs - have a couple at home so I would be glad to hold your dog if I can just sit down" he said. The lady wrinkled her nose and snorted, "You Americans are not only rude, you are arrogant."

He leaned against the wall for a time, but was so tired he finally said, "Lady, I've been on the front lines in Europe for three months with not a decent rest for all that time. Could I just please sit there and hold your dog?" The lady replied, "You Americans are not only rude and arrogant, you are also obnoxious."

With that comment, the soldier calmly stepped it, picked up the dog, threw it out the window and sat down. The lady was speechless.

An older neatly dressed Englishman sitting across on the other seat spoke up. "Young man, I do not know if all you Americans fit the lady's description of you or not. But I do know that you Americans do a lot of things wrong. You drive on the wrong side of the road, you hold your fork with the wrong hand, and now you have just thrown the wrong ***** out of the window!"

2007-06-11 11:42:50 · 11 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

A woman is just getting out of the shower when the doorbell rings. Her husband, heading to the shower himself, asks her to see who's at the door, so she wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands her next-door neighbor, Rob. Before she can say a word, Rob says, "I'll give you $500 to drop that towel you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel. He looks for a few seconds, hands her $500, and leaves with a big smile on his face.

Excited about her earnings, the woman puts the towel back on and runs upstairs. Her husband yells out from the shower, "Who was that?" "It was Rob from next door," she replies.

"Great," the husband says. "Did he say anything about the $500 dollars he owes me?"

2007-06-11 11:38:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Smith has a number of children.
Brown has a smaller number of children.
Green has an even smaller number of children.
Black has the smallest number of children.
The total number of children is less than 18.
The product of the numbers of children is 120, the same as the
house number of Mr. Smith's House.
I asked Mr. Smith, "Is there more than 1 child in the Black family?"
When he answered, since I knew the house number, I also knew
the number of children in each family.

How many children in each family?

2007-06-11 11:37:14 · 2 answers · asked by yummie 2

Clues:

It's spanish for a type of cat.

Backwards, it has a festive meaning.

2007-06-11 11:15:56 · 19 answers · asked by Leo 4

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy takes out his phone and calls the emergency services.

He gasps: "My friend is dead! What can I do?" The operator says: "Calm down, I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a gunshot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says: "OK, now what?"

2007-06-11 11:12:27 · 22 answers · asked by Josh 3

A blonde a redhead and a brunette are on a burning building and the firefighters are below them with a net they yell to the brunette "JUMP JUMP!" so she jumps. at the last minute the firefighters move out of the way and the brunette hits the ground and dies.
Then the firefighters yell to the redhead "JUMP JUMP" She yells back down "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIEND HOW CAN I TRUST YOU?" They yell back "TRUST US" so she jumps and the firefighters do the same thing.
Then the firefighters yell to the blonde, "JUMP JUMP" so she yells back "I SAW WHAT YOU DID TO MY FRIENDS SO I WANT YOU TO PUT THE NET DOWN ON THE GROUND AND BACK AWAY"

2007-06-11 11:01:39 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

begins with E

ends in E

2nd letter L

5th letter N

6 letters

2007-06-11 10:48:53 · 15 answers · asked by kool aid man. 4

Once you have it,you dont realy know what use it is

2007-06-11 10:06:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

1. You make new friends every day
2. You can laugh at all the old jokes
3. You make new friends every day

2007-06-11 10:04:57 · 20 answers · asked by Ecko 4

A - Almost Boobs
B - Barely there
C - Can Do
D - Damn good
E - Enormous
F - Fake

2007-06-11 09:43:30 · 11 answers · asked by bilbo b 4