Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Why is it said that "getting there is half the fun" if there are so many idiotic/obnoxious drivers on the Interstate? Seriously, I just got back from an east coast road trip and there are some really obnoxious drivers on the highway. Some are courteous, I know. But in the South, I was already doing 75-80 in a 70 mph zone, and most drivers had to go around me. Plus, you get the people who cut you off without signaling and the people who leave their blinkers on and don't change lanes. Getting there is not half the fun unless you a) like obnoxious people or b) are one of those obnoxious drivers yourself or c) you are "immune" to or used to it. I guess I'd go with (c) for myself, because I've been driving for several years now and I generally spot a crazy driver a mile away (sometimes literally). But on today's American highways, getting there is NOT half the fun for me!

P.S. This is just for ha-ha's, I know that saying refers to mostly hiking and outdoors.

2007-06-12 13:51:43 · 6 answers · asked by DavidausZueri 3

The real slogan for Dairy Queen is "DQ: Something Different."
Just an FYI.

2007-06-12 13:46:09 · 11 answers · asked by keybaordz 2

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet.



He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds."

When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds.

"Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?"

The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day."

"From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor.

"No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping".

2007-06-12 13:23:55 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-06-12 12:27:52 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

"My God' cries the housewife as her husband staggers in through the front door covered in blood and bruises, 'what has happened to you?"

"I got into a fight with some guy down the pub' replies the husband, 'he reckons he has slept with every woman in this street except one, but he would not say who."

After a bit of thought the wife replies, "I bet it's that woman up at number 58, she is so stuck up I cannot imagine anyone sleeping with her."

2007-06-12 12:11:01 · 28 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

2007-06-12 11:51:52 · 42 answers · asked by Amanda H 1

A man and a woman meet at a bar one day and are getting along really well. They decide to go back to the woman's house where they engage in passionate love making. Suddenly, they hear a noise at the door and the woman says, "Quick, my husband is home. Go hide in the bathroom!" The husband comes up into the bedroom and looks at her. "Why are you naked?" he asks. The woman smiles and says, "Well, I heard you pull up outside, so I thought I would come up here and get ready!" "Alright," the husband replies, "I'll be back in a minute." Before his wife can stop him he goes into the bathroom and sees the naked man standing there clapping his hands. "Who the hell are you?!" the husband asks. "I'm from the extermination company. Your wife called me in to get rid of the moths you are having trouble with." The husband, getting angrier by the second, growls, "Then why you are naked?!" The man then looks down at himself and screams, "Those little bastards!"

2007-06-12 11:48:02 · 8 answers · asked by Temüjin 2

Customer to landlord "Gimme a whisky in one glass and a soda in another glass" The customer threw the soda into the air, swallowed the whisky and opened his mouth, catching the tonic as it came down. "Amazing" said the landlord. "Not really. Every physical movement comes so gracefully and easily to me that I have to make things as hard as possible just to keep interested" The landlord thought for a moment and then asked "How about, y'know, sex?" "Oh- Standing up in a hammock."

2007-06-12 11:38:59 · 12 answers · asked by Harriet 5

A guy walks into a pub with an Vulture and a Cat. He buys 3 pints and they drink them. The Vulture then buys 3 pints and they drink those. This goes on all night, the cat doesn't pay for a single drink. One of the pub regulars is curious and says to the guy 'How come that cat is't buying a round'. The guy says 'Its a long story, see, the other night i was on my way home and spotted this old lamp in the gutter and gave it a kick. This Genie popped out and granted me 1 wish only'. 'What did you wish for' asks the pub regular. The guy says 'A nice big bird with a tight pus sy'.

2007-06-12 11:28:40 · 12 answers · asked by Gray 3

Mr. Hamilton, the biology instructor at a posh suburban girl's junior college, said during class, "Miss Smyth, would you please name the organ of the human body, which under the appropriate conditions, expands to six times its normal size, and define the conditions”. Miss Smyth gasped, then said freezing, "Mr. Hamilton, I don't think that is a proper question to ask me. I assure you my parents will hear of this." With that she sat down red-faced. Unperturbed, Mr. Hamilton called on Miss Johnston and asked the same question. Miss Johnston, with composure, replied, "The pupil of the eye, in dim light”. "Correct," said Mr. Hamilton. “ And now, Miss Smyth, I have three things to say to you. One, you have not studied your lesson. Two, you have a dirty mind. And three, you will some day be faced with a dreadful disappointment."

2007-06-12 11:14:54 · 20 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

HER STORY:
He was in an odd mood when I got to the bar to meet him. I thought it might have been because I was a bit late. He didn't say anything much about it. He seemed silent, distracted and his only eye contact seemed judgmental. I decided maybe I should never wear that dress again. Well, maybe it was the color. Maybe I should never wear this color again either. The conversation was so slow going so I thought maybe we should go off somewhere more intimate so we could talk more privately. He didn't really seem to agree, but we went off to this quiet, little restaurant and he's STILL acting a bit funny and I'm trying to cheer him up, be witty, and tell cute stories, but I start to wonder whether it's me or something else. He doesn't smile much, so I ask him, but he says no. But you know I'm not really sure. I wonder and then I think about the 5 pounds I gained this past month. I bet he thinks I'm a fat hog now. Anyway, in the cab back to his house, I say that I love him and he just puts his arm around me, but doesn't squeeze. I don't know what the hell this all means or what I should think because you know he doesn't say it back or do anything. We finally get back to his place and I'm wondering if he's going to dump me. So I try to ask him about it, but he just switches on the TV. Reluctantly, I say I'm going to sleep. Then, after about 10 minutes or so, he joins me and we have sex. But, he still seems really, really distracted, so afterwards I just wanted to leave. I roll over and sniffle a little real quietly. He snores. I don’t know, I just don't know, what he thinks anymore. I mean, do you think he's met someone else?




HIS STORY:
Hard day at work. Really tired. Got laid though.

2007-06-12 10:56:04 · 13 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

Two old ladies were outside their nursing home enjoying a smoke when it started to rain. One of the ladies pulled out a condom, cut off the end, put it over her cigarette and continued smoking. The other lady said ’What’s that?’
‘It’s a condom, it stops my cigarette from getting wet. You can get them at any chemist. Replied the first lady. The next day the other lady hobbles to the local chemist and announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms. The pharmacist looks at her strangely ( she is, after all, well over eighty years old) but politely asks what brand she prefers. The lady replied ‘ It doesn’t matter as long as it fits a Camel.’ The pharmacist fainted.

2007-06-12 10:54:08 · 13 answers · asked by jellybean 3

A young woman brings home her fiancée to meet her parents.
After dinner, her mother tells her father to find out about the young man.
The father invites the fiancé to his study for a drink.
“So what are your plans?” the father asks the young man.
“I am taking a degree in Religious Education”, he replies.
“Hmmm,” the father says. “Admirable, but what will you do to provide a nice house for my daughter to live in, as she’s accustomed to?”
“I will study,” the young man replies and “God will provide for us.”
“And how will you buy her a beautiful engagement ring, such as she deserves?”
“I will concentrate on studies,” the young man replies, “God will provide for us.”
“And children?” asks the father. “How will you support children?”
“Don’t worry sir, God will provide,” replies the fiancé.
The conversation proceeds like this and each time the father questions the young idealist he insists that God will provide.
Later, the mother asks, “How did it go, honey?”
The father answers, “He has no job and no plans, but the good news is, he thinks I’m God.”

2007-06-12 10:51:56 · 8 answers · asked by jellybean 3

http://www.wayodd.com/funny-pictures2/funny-pictures-go-jog-fatty-bbv.jpg

i thought it was pretty funny!

2007-06-12 10:37:12 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Down South" means Key West .

"Panhandling" means going to Pensacola .

Flip-flops are everyday wear.

Shoes are for business meetings and church.

No, wait, flip flops are good for church too.

Socks are only for bowling.

Orange juice from concentrate makes you vomit.

Tap water makes you vomit.

Sweet tea can be served at any meal.

An alligator once walked through your neighborhood.

You smirk when a game show's "Grand Prize" is a trip to Florida .

You measure distance in minutes.

You have a drawer full of bathing suits, and one sweatshirt.

You get annoyed at the tourists who feed seagulls.

You never use an umbrella because you know the rain will be over in five minutes.

All the local festivals are named after a fruit.

A mountain is any hill 100 feet above sea level.

A good parking place has nothing to do with distance from the store, but everything to do with shade.

Your winter coat is made of denim (AMEN!)

2007-06-12 10:31:16 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A guy walks into a barbers and asks 'How longs the wait roughly'. The barber says 'About an hour'. The guy says 'OK, i'll come back later'. The guy doesn't come back. The following week he returns and asks the same question. Again he doesn't turn up. This goes on for a few weeks so the barber says to his assistant 'If that guy turns up again today, follow him and see where he goes'. Sure enough he arrives at the same time, same question, then leaves. The assistant follows him and returns about an hour later. 'So where did he go?' asks the barber. The assistant replies 'Your house'.

2007-06-12 10:30:56 · 19 answers · asked by Gray 3

I'm sick of dumb blonde jokes, so all y'all blondes (and everyone else) tell me what you think of this one.


A blonde walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan
officer.
She says she's going to Europe on business for two weeks and needs to
borrow $5,000.
The bank officer says the bank will need some kind of security for the
loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Mercedes Benz SL 500.
The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. She has the
t itle, and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car collateral for the loan.
The bank's president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the
blonde for using a $110,000 Benz as collateral against a $5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Benz into the bank's
underground garage and parks it there.
Two weeks later, the blonde returns. She repays the $5,000 and the
interest, which comes to $15.41.
The loan officer says, "Miss, we are very happy to have had your
business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a
little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that
you are a multimillionaire.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"
The blonde replies, "Where else in New York City can I park my car for
two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

2007-06-12 10:16:12 · 10 answers · asked by BarrelGirl 3

it sucks

2007-06-12 09:55:36 · 8 answers · asked by Andrew 1

A man walked into a supermarket with his zipper down, and his fly wide open. A lady cashier walked up to him and said, "Your barracks door is open."

This is not a phrase men normally use, so he went on his way looking a bit puzzled. When he was about done shopping, a man came up and said, "Your fly is open."

He zipped up and finished his shopping, and remembering what the cashier had told him, finally understood.

He then intentionally got in the line to check out where the lady was that told him about his "barracks door."

He was planning to have a little fun with her. When he reached her counter he said, "When you saw my barracks door open did you see a soldier standing in there at attention?"

The lady thought for a moment and said, "No, no I didn't. All I saw was a disabled veteran sitting on two duffel bags."

2007-06-12 09:53:55 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-12 09:53:05 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

The flight attendant, suggested, he can use the attendant's ladies room, but cautioned him not to press any of the buttons.

There next to the paper roll were 3 buttons marked: WW PP ATR.

He disregarded what she said when his curiosity got the best of him.
He carefully pressed the WW button and immediately a gentle flush of Warm Water sprayed on his bare bottom. He thought "Wow" these gals really have it nice!!
"Aha" he thought, "no wonder these women take so long in the bathroom !!"

So he pushed the next button PP with anticipation. A soft disposable Powder Puff swung below him and dusted his bottom with talc.

"Man, this is great," he thought as he reached out for the ATR button.

Something happened and he woke up in the hospital,
Confused, he buzzed the nurse to find out what happened.

He explained the last thing he remembered was intense pain in the ladies room on the plane.

The nurse explained, "You pushed the Automatic Tampon Removal button."

2007-06-12 09:43:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

a yorkshire couple are on holiday in torremolinos. they got a cheap as chips last minute deal cos theyre too stingy to pay full price.

on the 1st day of the holiday, husband says to wife:

"thou's forgotten bisto!"

wife replies:

"well go an' ask them next door if theyve got some. they look english."

the husband goes and asks the people next door:

"hast any bisto?"

with a puzzled expression on his face, the man replies:

"fook off you spanish cuunt."

2007-06-12 09:39:32 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-06-12 08:35:32 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

not all blodes are dumb!

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.



The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you

tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses."

2007-06-12 08:03:23 · 15 answers · asked by ■ Jessie ■ 5

i live in water,if u cut my head i m @ ur door ,if u cut my tail i m a fruit ,if u cut both den i m with "u"

2007-06-12 07:47:13 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-12 07:45:03 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm trying to convince someone that trees do bark since they have something called bark....plus, I have heard a tree bark before....the person keeps saying that they don't, so how do I convince them that trees make the same sound that dogs do???

2007-06-12 07:32:54 · 14 answers · asked by ♥♥ Hello Kitty ♥♥ 1

2007-06-12 06:58:19 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

When is it bad luck to meet a black cat?

2007-06-12 06:44:33 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-12 05:47:34 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous