Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Mike Jordan, Hillary Clinton, Billy Graham, and a young school girl are all on a plane with 3 parachute's inside. Suddenly, the plane engine dies. The 4 of them begin to debate what one person should stay behind and die. Mike Jordan says, "I am a rich sports icon, so I should get to live." He then takes a parachute and jumps off the plane. Hillary Clinton says, "I am the smartest women in the country, so surely I should get to live." She then takes a parashoot and jumps from the plane. Billy Graham then says to the young school girl, "You have your whole life ahead of you. I am an old man who will probably die soon anyhow. You go ahead and have the last parachute." The school girl then says, "We can both jump. There are still two parachutes left." Billy Graham says, "What do you mean?" The girl then says, "Well, the smartest women in the country grabed my backpack."

2007-06-06 04:13:18 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Point to 1st correct answer....am I giving them away or what!

2007-06-06 04:00:28 · 41 answers · asked by cleocat 5

10 points to the 1st correct answer.

2007-06-06 03:50:08 · 32 answers · asked by cleocat 5

What practical joke did you play that back fired?

2007-06-06 03:18:18 · 5 answers · asked by ronalee 2

Shine a torch in his ears.

2007-06-06 02:49:12 · 15 answers · asked by *♥* donna *♥* 7

2007-06-06 02:25:30 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

I need a laugh today, so If you have an embarrasing moment tell the world .I'll laugh with you not at you

2007-06-06 02:17:50 · 9 answers · asked by ChristFirst00 2

Delete a letter from the words below and then add a 3-letter word to it (doesn't matter where) to form a new word that matches each clue in the ( ).

1. Cart (a vegetable)
2. Fling (a sport since the stone age)
3. Kits (cute and adorable when little)
4. Surf (you are doing one right now)
5. Gum (a place to talk about stuff)

2007-06-06 01:26:53 · 6 answers · asked by Tinkerbellx6 3

LATER

2007-06-06 01:20:14 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Most creative answer will get 10 points

my answer is
"i dont know, sh.it don't have labels"

2007-06-06 01:06:22 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young Japanese girl had been taught all her life that when she married she was to please her husband and never upset him.

So the first morning of her honeymoon the young Japanese bride crawled out of bed after making love, stooped down to pick up her husband's clothes and accidentally let out a big fart.

She looked up and said: "Aww so sowwy...excuse prease, front hole so happy back hole laugh out loud.

2007-06-06 00:58:43 · 23 answers · asked by barz 2

A Banker, lawyer, and doctor walk into a strip joint get a table and have a seat, a girl comes up to there table and begins to dance, so the lawyer took a 10$ licked it and slapped it on her A** the Doctor not to be shown up by the lawyer took a $20 and did the same thing, so the banker then took out his atm card swipes it down her A** takes the 10 and 20 then leaves.

2007-06-06 00:42:18 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Kiwi ( New Zealander ) walks into his bedroom with a sheep under his arm and says: "Darling, this is the pig I have sex with when you have a headache."
His girlfriend is lying in bed and replies: "I think you'll find that's a sheep, you idiot."

The man says: " I think you'll find I wasn't talking to you."

2007-06-06 00:17:47 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I am depressed and need a laugh.

2007-06-05 23:49:29 · 13 answers · asked by Michel 4

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their
family member lay gravely ill.

Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber. "I'm afraid I'm
the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.

"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain
transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the
only hope."

"Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the
brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great
length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"

The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a
female brain."

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding
eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man, unable to
control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire
group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the
price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."

2007-06-05 23:27:32 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain. His new copilot is Chinese, and an awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.
Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, “I don’t like Chinese.”
“No rike Chinese?” asks the copilot, “why not?”
“You people bombed Pearl Harbor, that’s why!”
“No, no,” the copilot protests, “Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That Japanese, not Chinese.”
“Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese… doesn’t matter, you’re all alike!”
There are a few minutes of silence. “No rike Jews!” the copilot suddenly announces.
“Why not?” asks the captain.
“Jews sink Titanic.”
“Jews didn’t sink the Titanic!” exclaims the captain; “It was an iceberg!”
“Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah… all same.”

2007-06-05 22:40:35 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bear walks into a bar in Billings, Montana and sits down. He bangs on the bar with his paw and demands a beer.
The bartender approaches and says, "We don't serve beer to bears in bars in Billings."
The bear, becoming angry, demands again that he be served a beer.
The bartender tells him again, more forcefully, "We don't serve beer to
belligerent bears in bars in Billings"
The bear, very angry now, says, "If you don't serve me a beer, I'm going to eat that lady sitting at the end of the bar."
The bartender says, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully bears in bars in Billings"
The bear goes to the end of the bar, and, as promised, eats the woman. He comes back to his seat and again demands a beer.
The bartender states, "Sorry, we don't serve beer to belligerent, bully
bears in bars in Billings who are on drugs."
The bear says, "I'm NOT on drugs."
..........You're gonna love this........
The bartender says, "You are now. That was a barbitchyouate. . . The end.

2007-06-05 22:28:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Peter met Sharon in a nightclub. They enjoyed each other's company very much and at the end of the evening Sharon invited Peter to her place, where they quickly got involved in a very passionate and energetic session in bed together.

Finally, tired and satisfied, they both lay back in the bed and snuggled up close to each other. After a short while, Sharon began tenderly stroking Peter's manhood.

Surprised but appreciative, Peter comments, "Surely you can't be ready for more already?"

Sharon replies, "No, but every now and then I get a bit nostalgic, and I miss the days when I had mine."

2007-06-05 22:10:25 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two banana's sat at the side of the river when they see a turd floating past them, the turd say's "come on in the waters lovely" and one banana turns to the other and say's "you don't believe that CRAP do ya?!

2007-06-05 22:09:22 · 10 answers · asked by Tooly 3

A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite

her was smiling at her uncannily. She immediately moved to another seat.

This time the smile turned into a huge grin, so she moved again. The man

seemed more amused with a crazed stare. When on the fourth move, the man

burst out laughing, fearing for her safety she complained to the driver and
he had the man arrested.

The case came up in court.

The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for
himself.

The man replied, "Well your Honor, it was like this, when the lady got
on
the bus, I couldn't help but notice her condition. She sat down under a
sign
that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned. Then she
moved
and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the
swelling,'
and I had to smile. Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that
said, "William's Big Stick Did the Trick," and I could hardly contain
myself. But, Your Honor, when She moved the fourth time and sat under a
sign
that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident'... I
just
lost it."

2007-06-05 22:04:33 · 9 answers · asked by barz 2

CAN YOU ANSWER THIS RIDDLE?
Something that is better than God
Poor people have it
Rich people need it
And if you eat it you die

2007-06-05 22:01:55 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

I ran into the back of a parked car yesterday, the driver was a dwarf and started shouting at me saying "he wasn't happy", so I asked him "which one of the sever dwarfs he was then?".

2007-06-05 22:01:34 · 8 answers · asked by Tooly 3

A man is woken every night for a week by the neighbours dog barking constantly, by the end of the week he jumps out of bed at 3am and his wife ask's "what are you doing" he replies "I'm gonna sort that flamming dog out!!", he returns back to bed 30 minutes later and the dog barking seems to of got even louder, his wife ask's "what have you done" and the man replies "I've put the dog in our back yard, lets see how they like it!!".

2007-06-05 21:56:01 · 9 answers · asked by Tooly 3

Guy seated next to a 10 Year old Girl on a plane,bored decides to stike up a conversation,"Lets talk" he say's,Girl reading a Book slowly closes it and say's "sure, wot would you like to talk about?"
guy=Nuclear Power
Girl=ok that would be an interesting Topic,but can I ask you this first
Guy=Sure go ahead
Girl=Well,a Hourse,Cow and a Deer all eat the same stuff Grass
Guy=Yeah
Girl=So how come, Deer excretes small Pellets,Cow a flat patty while a Horse produces clups of dried grass
Guy = Mmm! no idea!
Girl=well tell me then, do you really feel qualfied to discuss Nuclear Power when you don't know Sh**!

2007-06-05 21:44:26 · 15 answers · asked by live life 4

A woman suspects her husband is cheating on her.
One day she calls home and a strange woman answers.

Wife: Who is this?
Maid: This is the maid.
Wife: We don't have a maid.
Maid: I was hired this morning by the man of the house.
Wife: Well, this is his wife. Is he there?
Maid: He is upstairs in the bedroom with someone whom I assumed was his wife.

THE WIFE IS FUMING
Wife: Listen, would you like to make $50,000?
Maid: What will I have to do?
>Wife: Take my gun from the desk and shoot him and the woman he is with.
>The maid puts the phone down. The wife hears footsteps and gunshots then
>more footsteps.
Maid: What do I do with the bodies?
Wife: Just drag them out and throw them into the swimming pool.
Maid: But there is no pool here.
LONG PAUSE > >
Wife: Is this 832-4831?

2007-06-05 21:34:48 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

I wanted to share this, because it is about the funniest thing I have ever read, just wanted to share.
LIZARD BIRTHING

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome
including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the storybelow will have
you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet. Here's what
happened...

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was
"something wrong" with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

"He's just lying there looking sick," he told me. "I'm serious dad, can
you help?"

I put my best lizard-healer statement on my face and followed him into his
bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking
stressed. I immediately knew what to do.
"Honey," I called, "come look at the lizard!"

"Oh my! gosh," my wife diagnosed after a minute. "She's having babies."

& nbsp; "What?" my son demanded. "But their names are Ber t and Ernie, Mom!"

I was equally outraged.

"Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to
reproduce," I accused my wife.

"Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?" she
inquired. (I actually think she said this sarcastically!)

"No, but you were supposed to get two boys!" I reminded her, (in my most
loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth together).

"Yeah, Bert and Ernie!" my son agreed.

"Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know," she
informed me. (again with the sarcasm, you think?)

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I
shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

"Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience, I announced.

"We're about to witness the miracle of birth."

"O h, gross!" they shrieked.

"Well, isn't THA T just great! What are we going to do with a litter of
tiny little lizard babies?" my wife wanted to know (I really do think she
was being snotty here, too. Don't you?)

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny
foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

"We don't appear to be making much progress," I noted. "It's breech," my
wife whispered, horrified.

"Do something, Dad!" my son urged.

"Okay, okay." Squeamishly , I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next
appeared, giving it a gentle tug. It disappeared. I tried several more times
with the same results.

"Should I call 911," my eldest daughter wanted to know "Maybe they could
talk us through the trauma." (You see a pattern here with the females in my
house?)

"Let's get Ernie to the vet," I said grimly.

&nb sp; We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in h is lap.

"Breathe, Ernie, breathe," he urged.

"I don't think lizards do Lamaze," his mother noted to him. (Women can be
so cruel to their own young. I mean what she does to me is one thing, but
this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The Vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little
animal through a magnifying glass.

"What do you think, Doc, a C-section?" I suggested scientifically.

"Oh, very interesting," he murmured. "Mr. and Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to
you privately for a moment?"

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

"Is Ernie going to be okay?" my wife asked.

"Oh, perfectly," the Vet assured us. "This lizard is not in labor. In
fact, that isn't EVER going to happen... Ernie is a boy. You see,

Ernie is a young male. And occasionally, as they come into maturity, like
most male species, they um . ...um....
masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back."

He blushed, glancing at my wife. "Well, you know what I'm saying, Mr.
Cameron."

We were silent, absorbing this.

"So Ernie's just...just... excited," my wife offered.

"Exactly," the vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my viscous, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle.
And then even laugh loudly.

"What's so funny?" I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I
married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. Laughing "It's
just...that...I'm picturing you pulling on its... its...teeny
little..." she gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

"That's enough," I warned. We thanked the Vet and hurriedly bundled th e
lizards and our son back into the car. He was glad eve rything was going to
be okay.

"I know Ernie's really thankful for what you've done, Dad," he told me.

"Oh, you have NO idea,"

Closed mouth, my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

2 - Lizards - $140...

1 - Cage - $50...

Trip to the Vet - $30...

2007-06-05 21:33:00 · 5 answers · asked by Tammy M 2

An 80-year-old man went to his doctor for his quarterly check-up.
The doctor asked him how he was feeling and the 80-year-old said "Things are great and I've never felt better. I now have a 20 year-old bride who is pregnant with my child. So what do you think about that?"

The doctor considered his question for a minute and then began to tell a story.

"I have an older friend, much like you, who is an avid hunter and never misses a season. One day when he was setting off hunting, he was in a bit of a hurry and accidentally picked up his walking cane instead of his gun. As he neared a lake he came across a very large male beaver sitting at the water's edge. He realized he'd left his gun at home and so couldn't shoot the magnificent creature but out of habit he raised his cane, aimed it at the animal as if it were his favorite hunting rifle and went 'bang, bang'. Miraculously, two shots rang out and the beaver fell over dead. Now, what do you think of that?" asked the doctor

The 80-year-old said, "If you ask me, I'd say somebody else pumped a couple of rounds into that beaver."

The doctor replied, "My point exactly".

2007-06-05 20:35:30 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

, a Scotsman, and an Irishman walked into a pub together.
They each bought a pint of Guinness. Just as they were about to enjoy their creamy beverage, three flies landed in each of their pints, and were stuck in the thick head.
The Englishman pushed his beer away in disgust.
The Scotsman fished the fly out of his beer, and continued drinking it, as if nothing had happened.
The Irishman, too, picked the fly out of his drink, held it out over the beer, and started yelling, "SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT, SPIT IT OUT!!!!"

2007-06-05 20:33:23 · 12 answers · asked by nan 2

its a riddle. algebra might help...(hint: use two variables) post your email if you want the answer!

2007-06-05 19:32:28 · 7 answers · asked by Mous3 2

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson went on a camping trip. After a good meal and a bottle of wine, they were exhausted and went to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes awoke and nudged his faithful friend.
"Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see." Watson replied, "I see millions and millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" Holmes asked. Watson pondered for a minute. "Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, I can see that the Lord is all powerful and that we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. What does it tell you?"
Holmes was silent for a minute, then spoke. "Watson, you idiot, someone has stolen our tent!"

2007-06-05 18:17:09 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous