I am depressed and need a laugh.
2007-06-05 23:49:29 · 13 answers · asked by Michel 4 in Entertainment & Music ➔ Jokes & Riddles
Q. Did you hear about the new blonde paint?
A. It's not real bright, but its cheap, and spreads easy.
Q. What did the blonde’s left leg say to her right leg?
A. Between the two of us, we can make a lot of money.
Q. How does a blonde part their hair?
A. By doing the splits.
Q. What did the blondes right leg say to the left leg?
A. Nothing, they haven't met!
Q. Why do blondes wash their hair in the sink?
A. Because that's where your supposed to wash vegetables.
Q. What's a blondes favorite nursery rhyme?
A. Humpme Dumpme
Q. Why did the blonde like the car with a sunroof?
A. More leg-room!
Q. Why don't blondes use vibrators?
A. They chip their teeth.
Q. How does a blonde like her eggs in the morning?
A. Fertilized
Q. Why do blondes like tilt steering?
A. More headroom
Q. Why is a blonde like a doorknob?
A. Because everyone gets a turn.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a bowling ball?
A. You can only fit 3 fingers in a bowling ball.
Q. What does a screen door and a blonde have in common?
A. The more you bang it, the looser it gets!
Q. What do you call 20 blondes in a freezer?
A. Frosted Flakes
Q. What do you call a dumb blonde behind a steering wheel?
A. An airbag.
Q. How can you tell a blonde has had a bad day?
A. She has a tampon tucked under her ear and she can't find her pencil.
Q. What does the Bermuda Triangle and a blonde have in common?
A. They both swallowed a lot of semen.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A. Its difficult to open the legs on an ironing board.
Q. How did the blonde burn her nose?
A. Bobbing for chips.
Q. What do you call a zit on a blondes ***?
A. Brain tumor.
Q. Why does a blonde insist on him wearing a condom?
A. So she can have a doggie bag for later.
Q. How would a blonde punctuate the following: "Fun fun fun worry worry worry"
A. Fun period fun period fun no period worry worry worry....
Q. Why is a blonde like an old washing machine?
A. Because they both drip when they're ******!
Q. What does a blonde say after multiple orgasms?
A. "Way to go team!"
Q. What do you call a blonde with a runny nose?
A. FULL
Q. What happened to the blonde tap dancer?
A. She slipped off and fell down the drain.
Q. Why did the deaf blonde sit on the newspaper?
A. So she could lip read.
Q. Why is it good to have a blonde passenger?
A. You get to park in the handicap zone.
Q. What do you call a blonde with 2 brain cells?
A. Pregnant
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a 747?
A. Not everyone has been in a 747?
Q. What's the difference between butter and a blonde?
A. Butter is difficult to spread.
Q. What do you do if a blonde throws a grenade at you?
A. Pull the pin and throw it back.
Q. What do you call it when a blonde dies her hair brunette?
A. Artificial intelligence.
Q. What do you call a blonde standing on her head?
A. A brunette with bad breath.
Q. What do blondes and cow **** have in common?
A. The older they get, the easier they are to pick up.
Q. How does a blond turn on the light after sex?
A. She opens the car door.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a mosquito?
A. When you smack the mosquito it stops sucking!!
Q. What does a blonde say the last two words of the national anthem are?
A. Play ball!
Q. What do smart blondes and UFO's have in common?
A. You always hear about them but never see them.
Q. Why did the blonde stare at the can of frozen orange juice?
A. Cause it said concentrate.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and the Titanic?
A. They know how many went down on the Titanic.
Q. How can you tell if a blonde has been using your computer?
A. The joystick is wet.
Q. Why do blondes wear underwear?
A. To keep their ankles warm.
Q. What is a brunette between two blondes?
A. An interpreter.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a brick?
A. The brick doesn't follow you home after you lay it.
Q. Did you hear about the blonde that needed gas money?
A. She sold her car for it...
Q. What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?
A. "Are you sure it's mine?"
Q. Why do blondes have bruised belly buttons?
A. Because they have blond boyfriends
Q. What do blondes and beer bottles have in common?
A. Their both empty from the neck up
Q. What does a blonde and a turtle have in common?
A. Get'em on their back and their both ******.
Q. What do you call a blonde with pig tails?
A. A ******** with handlebars
Q. What do you call a blond with a brain?
A. A golden retriever.
Q. What do you call a blonde in the closet?
A. The 1984 hide and go seek champion.
Q. How can you tell that a blonde sent you a fax?
A. It has a stamp on it.
Q. What do you call a room full of blondes with PMS and yeast infections?
A. A wine and cheese party!
Q. How do you drown a blonde?
A. Put a scratch 'n sniff sticker at the bottom of a pool.
Q. Hear about the blonde that bought an AM radio?
A. It took her a month to figure out she could play it at night too.
Q. What did the blonde say when she saw the banana peel on the floor?
A. Oh no, I'm going to fall again!
Q. How can you tell a blonde has used your computer?
A. There is white out on the screen.
Q. Why are blondes like 7-Eleven stores?
A. Open 24 hours a day.
Q. Why did the blonde throw bread crumbs down the toilet?
A. To feed the toilet duck!
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a pair of sun glasses?
A. The sun glasses sit higher on your face.
Q. Why do blondes always drink with straws?
A. Practice.
Q. Why do blondes put their hair in ponytails?
A. To cover the valve stem.
Q. Why should blondes not be given coffee breaks?
A. It takes too long to retrain them.
Q. What's the difference between a blonde and a guy?
A. The blonde has the higher sperm count.
Q. How is a blonde like peanut-butter?
A. They spread for the bread.
Q. What's the difference between a group of blondes and a good magician?
A. The magician has a cunning array of stunts.
2007-06-05 23:52:39 · answer #1 · answered by Anonymous · 2⤊ 0⤋
A farmer is sitting in the neighborhood bar getting soused.
A man comes in and asks the farmer,"Hey, why are you sitting here on this beautiful day getting drunk?"Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.Man: So what happened that was so horrible?Farmer: Well, if you must know, today I was sitting by my cow, milking her. Just as I got the bucket about full, she took her left leg and kicked it over.Man: That's not so bad, what's the big deal?Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.Man: So then what happened.Farmer: I took her left leg and tied it to the post on the left with some rope. Then I sat down and continued to milk her.Just as I got the bucket about full she took her right leg and kicked it over.Man: Again?Farmer: Some things... ya just can't explain.Man: So, what did you do then?Farmer: I took her right leg and tied it to the post on the right.Man: So then what did you do?Farmer: I sat back down and continued to milk her, and just as I got the bucket just about full, the stupid cow knocked over the bucket with her tail.Man: Wow, you must have been pretty upset!Farmer: Some things... you just can't explain.Man: So then what did you do?Farmer: Well, I didn't have any more rope, so I took off my belt and tied her tail to the rafter.In that very moment, my pants fell down and my wife walked in.
2007-06-06 00:22:38 · answer #2 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
In the old days the English and Scottish armies used to fight by gathering their armies on top of the hills and at daybreak, they would run down the hillside into the deep gorge below to fight. One morning at dawn there was a fog (as thick as pea soup) and the two generals decided to refrain from fighting that day. Whilst the two armies were resting a voice, with a Scottish accent came from within the dense fog. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 10 Englishmen". With this, the English general sent down 10 of his soldiers. There was a hell of a fight and NO ONE returned. An hour later, the same voice was heard. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 50 Englishman". With this, the English general sent down 50 of his soldiers. The same thing, a terrible fight ensured and again NO ONE returned. An hour later the same voice. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 100 Englishman". Same same, down went 100 of the best. NO ONE returned. An hour later. "Any one Scotsman can beat any 1,000 Englishman". By this time, the English general had enough and was about to send down his elite soldiers, when he saw a lone Englishman crawling up the hill. He was battered to a pulp. As he reached his general he said, "Don't send any more troops down, its a trap, THERE'S TWO OF THE BA*TARDS".
2016-05-17 22:56:10 · answer #3 · answered by berniece 3 · 0⤊ 0⤋
moeshia loves dem blonde's, oh yeah.
karijokey for you, jokes you can join in with, it's the future kid.
how ja make a swiss roll? push him down a hill
How does bob marley like his donuts? Wi' jammin.
What do you call a man with a plank of wood on his head? edwood
What do you call a man with a 3 planks of wood on his head?
edwood woodwood
why did the nazi cross the road? coz his d*ck was cought in the chicken
and one more you may not know
why did the chicken cross the road? coz russians were shooting at him...... oh sorry, why did the chechen cross the road?
2007-06-06 00:10:24 · answer #4 · answered by Chris EFC 6 · 0⤊ 0⤋
The number 0 and the number 8 are walking along a beach. Number 0 looks at number 8 and says
"why have you got that belt on so tight?"
2007-06-05 23:51:54 · answer #5 · answered by Mike T 6 · 3⤊ 0⤋
a kid goes up to her mum and asks her
"how old are you?"
the mum then replies, "women don't talk about these you'll know this when you're older."
So the little kid now asks, "how much do you weigh?"
the mum then replies, "women don't talk about these you'll know this when you're older."
So the little kid asks one more question, "why did daddy divorce you?"
the mum then replies, " I'll tell you once you're a bit older."
Later in the day she asks her friend, " My mum won't tell me how old she is, how heavy she is and why daddy divorced her."
Her friend then replies, "Just look at her drivers license, it'll tell you everything, it's like a report card."
So she looked at her mum's drivers license then goes up to her mum and says "I know how old you are you're 45 years old, I know how heavy you are, you're 60 kilograms and i know why daddy divorced you, you got an F in sx.
hope you liked the joke and hope you're going to cheer up.
2007-06-06 00:03:21 · answer #6 · answered by Anonymous · 0⤊ 0⤋
WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE
A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers. As he did, she gently caressed his full beard.
"Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
"Actually, no," he replied.
"Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
"I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?"
"Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
"What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
"Tell him," she whispered, "There's no toilet paper, hand soap, or paper towels in the ladies room."
There was a woman driving down the street fixing her makeup when all of a sudden she caused a head on collision with this guy. They both got out of their cars and surveyed the damage. Both cars were totaled. The woman asked, “Are you hurt?" He replied, “Thank goodness, no!" She said, “This is a miracle, both our cars are totaled and we are ok," pulling a wine bottle out of her car she says, “I think we should celebrate with a drink. We could have both been killed." Shaken the man says, "Yes, I agree." The woman hands him the bottle and he says, "Ladies first." The woman replies, "It was my fault, you go first." The man takes a drink and hands it back to her, the woman says, "Go on take another drink, you deserve it." He gulps down another and hands it back to her. She puts the cork back in and the man asks her, “Aren’t you going to take a drink?" The woman answers, “No, I am just going to wait for the cops."
2007-06-05 23:54:52 · answer #7 · answered by bilbo b 4 · 1⤊ 0⤋
How do you fit 4 gay guys on a bar stool?
turn it upside down
its just a joke
2007-06-05 23:54:49 · answer #8 · answered by BrooklynNY 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
Here is a joke:-
Teacher:-Do anyone know the meaning of aroma?Then make a sentence using the word aroma.
Sally:-My dad is travelling all over the world he is aroma!
Sorry! i know only one joke.
2007-06-05 23:57:49 · answer #9 · answered by Shirin 2 · 0⤊ 0⤋
if there was ten black people in a bus and drove ova a cliff nd die would u cry or would u laugh?
i would cry coz u can fit 20 in a bus
no efence if ur black
xxxxx
2007-06-06 00:07:14 · answer #10 · answered by Anonymous · 1⤊ 0⤋