Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Because i ran out of characters. ya gotta find the other half

2007-06-14 09:49:25 · 4 answers · asked by Li'l Devil 3

SIGNS YOUR AMISH TEEN IS IN TROUBLE

10. Sometimes stays in bed till after 5:00AM.

9. In his sock drawer, you find pictures of women without bonnets.

8. Shows up at barn raisings in full "Kiss" Makeup.

7. When you criticize him, he yells, "Thou sucketh!"

6. His name is Jebediah, but he goes by "Jeb Daddy."

5. Defiantly says, "If I had a radio, I'd listen to rap!"

4. You come upon his secret stash of colorful socks.

3. Uses slang expression: Talk to the hand, cause the beard ain't listening."

2. Was recently pulled over for "driving under the influence of cottage cheese."

1. He's wearing his big black hat backwards

2007-06-14 09:44:35 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here are six reasons why you should think before you speak - the last one is great!

Have you ever spoken and wished that you could immediately take the words back...or that you could crawl into a hole? Here are the Testimonials of a few people who did....



FIRST TESTIMONY:

I walked into a hair salon with my husband and three kids in tow and asked loudly, "How much do you charge for a shampoo and a blow***?" I turned around and walked back out and never went back. My husband didn't say a word .. he knew better.



SECOND TESTIMONY:

I was at the golf store comparing different kinds of golf balls. I was unhappy with the women's type I had been using. After browsing for several minutes, I was approached by one of the good-looking gentlemen who works at the store. He asked if he could help me. Without thinking, I looked at him and said, "I think I like playing with mens balls"



THIRD TESTIMONY:

My sister and I were at the mall and passed by a store that sold a variety of candy and nuts. As we were looking at the display case, the boy behind the counter asked if we needed any help. I replied, "No, I'm just looking at your nuts." My sister started to laugh hysterically. The boy grinned, and I turned beet-red and walked away. To this day, my sister has never let me forget.



FOURTH TESTIMONY:

While in line at the bank one afternoon, my toddler decided to release some pent-up energy and ran amok. I was finally able to grab hold of her after receiving looks of disgust and annoyance from other patrons. I told her that if she did not start behaving "right now" she would be punished. To my horror, she looked me in the eye and said in a voice just as threatening, "If you don't let me go right now, I will tell Grandma that I saw you kissing Daddy's pee-pee last night!" The silence was deafening after this enlightening exchange. Even the tellers stopped what they were doing. I mustered up the last of my dignity and walked out of the bank with my daughter in tow. The last thing I heard when the door closed behind me, were screams of laughter.



FIFTH TESTIMONY:

Have you ever asked your child a question too many times? My three-year-old son had a lot of problems with potty training and I was on him constantly. One day we stopped at Taco Bell for a quick lunch, in between errands. It was very busy, with a full dining room. While enjoying my taco, I smelled something funny, so of course I checked my seven-month-old daughter, she was clean. Then I realized that Danny had not asked to go potty in a while. I asked him if he needed to go, and he said "No". I kept thinking "Oh Lord, that child has had an accident, and I don't have any clothes with me." Then I said, "Danny, are you SURE you didn't have an accident?" "No," he replied. I just KNEW that he must have had an accident, because the smell was getting worse. Soooooo, I asked one more time, "Danny did you have an accident"? This time he jumped up, yanked down his pants, bent over, spread his cheeks and yelled "SEE MOM, IT'S JUST FARTS!!" While 30 people nearly choked to death on their tacos laughing, he calmly pulled up his pants and sat down. An old couple made me feel better, thanking me for the best laugh they'd ever had!



LAST BUT NOT LEAST TESTIMONY:

This had most of the state of Michigan laughing for 2 days and a very embarrassed female news anchor who will, in the future, likely think before she speaks. What happens when you predict snow but don't get any! We had a female news anchor that, the day after it was supposed to have snowed and didn't, turned to the weatherman and asked: "So Bob, where's that 8 inches you promised me last night?" Not only did HE have to leave the set, but half the crew did too they were laughing so hard! Now, didn't that feel good?

2007-06-14 09:44:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

One guy says " boy i wish i could that. " The other guy says to him " maybe you should pet him first. "

2007-06-14 09:37:22 · 10 answers · asked by Li'l Devil 3

elephant to see what the problem is. The elephant tells him that he has had a big thorn in his foot for a long time and because he doesnt have any fingers he cant pull it out. It has been hurting him. So the mouse decides to help the elephant out. Bu not without some kind of payment. Sothe mouse says to the elephant " I can pull the thorn out, but you have to do me a favor after. You have to let me f_*# you in the a*! " So the elephant excited to finally get the thorn out of his foot and thinking, its only a mouse i probabaly wont even feel a thing readily agreses. So the mouse proceeds to pull the thorn out of the elephants foot. The elephant finally free of the pain turns and starts to walk away thanking the mouse. The mouse stops him and says " No ways, we had an agreement. " So the elephant stops and says " ok make it quick. " So the mouse hops up onto the elephant and starts doin his thing. Just then some monkeys in a tree are watching and laughing at the site

2007-06-14 09:33:20 · 5 answers · asked by Li'l Devil 3

A boy takes his girlfriend home after a night out.

When they reach the front door, hre leans against the wall with one hand and says, "Sweetie, why don't you give me a bl@wj@b?"

"What? You're crazy!"

"Don't worry, it will bw quick, no problem."

"No!! Someone may see - a relative or a neighbour..."

"At this time of night? No one will show up...."

"I've already said No, and NO!"

"Honey, it's just a small blowie....I know you'd like it too...."

"No! I've said No!"

"MY love.......Don't be like that......"

At this moment, the girlfriends younger sister shows up at the door in her nightie with her hair totally in disorder. Rubbing her eyes, she says, "Dad says either you have to blow him, I have to blow him, or he'll come down and blow him himself, but for gods sake, tell your boyfriend to take his hand off the intercom!!!"

2007-06-14 09:18:29 · 13 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Hmmmm.... Peace!!

2007-06-14 09:12:25 · 20 answers · asked by Kyle Reese 2

The governors of Alabama, South Carolina, Arkansas, Georgia, and
Mississippi announced today that they have made a disturbing
discovery in their states. Apparently, a small number of Al Qaeda
terrorists have become romantically involved with local redneck girls.
The result is not pretty and they now have the sad task of reporting
the creation of a new sector of the human race: Islamabubbas.

So far, only a smattering of actual births have been reported, but
Pat Robertson's Christian Coalition is hard at work trying to isolate
and seal them off. To date, the Coalition has identified the following
children:

Mohammed Billy Bob Abba Bubba
Mohammed Jethro Bin Thinkin Boudit
Mohammed Forrest Gumpa Bubba
Mohammed Rubba Dub Dubba Bubba
Bobbie Joe Bubba Amgood Atat
Betty Jean Hasbeena Badgurl
Linda Sue Bin There Dundat

Not surprisingly, the Coalition believes they all seem to have
sprung from one couple:

Mohammed Whoozyadaddy and Yomamma Bin Lovin.

2007-06-14 09:11:42 · 4 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

Not a pin but to the point. what is it?

2007-06-14 09:06:36 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

a) If nobody buys a ticket to a movie do they still show it?
b) Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

c) Why is it said that an alarm clock is going off when really its coming on?

D) Why did Sally sell seashells on the seashore when you can just pick them up anyway?

e) If the FBI breaks your door down do they have to pay for it?

f) Why do you put your two cents in when its only a penny for your thoughts?

g) You know the signs on restaurant doors? no shoes no shirt no service? what if someone went in with no pants? would they still serve them?

h) If the wicked witch of the west melts in water, how did she ever bathe?

i) Why do people contantly return to the refridgerator...with hopes that something new will have arrived?

j) How come people tell you to stay a kid for as long as you can. Yet the moment you do anything childish or immature they tell you to grow up.

k) Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits dont lay eggs
have fun!

2007-06-14 09:05:36 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very proper lady began planning a week's camping vacation for her and her Baptist Church group. She wrote to a campground for reservations. She wanted to make sure that the campground was fully equipped and modern, but couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. So, she decided on the old-fashioned term "Bathroom Commode." Once written down she still was not comfortable. Finally she decided on the abbreviation "B.C." and wrote, "does your campground have its own "B.C.?"
When the campground owner received the letter, he couldn't figure out what she meant by "B.C." He showed it to several of the campers, one of whom suggested the lady was obviously referring to a Baptist Church since there was a letterhead on the paper which referred to a Baptist Church. So he sent this reply.

Dear Madam:

The B.C. is located nine miles from the camp ground in a beautiful grove of trees. I admit it is quite a distance if you are in the habit of going regularly.

2007-06-14 09:00:02 · 11 answers · asked by Victoria :) 2

It was the Smiths turn to host the monthly neighborhood BBQ. After a few beers Mr. Smith says to Mrs. Smith, "Honey, I think your butt is as big as the grill." And He jumps up grabs his measuring tape runs over and takes a measurement of the grill and then walks over and measures Mrs. Smith's butt. "Yeah, just as I thought, your butt is as big as the grill!" He and the neighbors explode with laughter.

Later that night Mr. Smith rolls over in bed and asks Mrs. Smith, "How about some loveing tonight, dear?"

Mrs Smith rolls over looks him right in the face and says, "you don't think I am going to fire up this big a** grill for one little weenie do you?"

2007-06-14 08:54:15 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

So the question is this, what colour are the bears?

2007-06-14 08:36:12 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman asks her husband if he would like some breakfast, a full english, porridge, muesli with cup of tea to follow?

He declines. "It's the viagra,"he says. "It has really take the edge off my appetite."

At lunch time, she asks if he would like a bowl of homemade soup, perhaps with a sandwich? Maybe with crisps and a glass of lemonade?

Again he declines. "It's this viagra," he says, "it has really taken the edge of my appetite."

Come tea time, she asks if he wants anything to eat. She offers him shepherds pie with veg and mash. Fish and chips from the chippy or even rice pudding for afters?

He declines. "It's the viagra," he says, "It's really taken the edge off my appetite."

"Well," she says, "Would you mind getting off me? I'm starving."

2007-06-14 08:36:06 · 5 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A woman accompanied her husband to the doctor's office. After his checkup,the doctor
called the wife into his office alone. He said, "Your husband is suffering from a
very severe disease, combined with horrible stress. If you don't do the following, your
husband will surely die." "Each morning, fix him a healthy breakfast. Try to be
pleasant in general, and make sure he stays in a good mood. For lunch make him a
nutritious meal. For dinner prepare something nice and healthy again. Don't burden him
with chores, as he probably had a hard day. Don't discuss your problems with him, it will
only make his stress worse. And most importantly, make love with your husband several
times a week and satisfy his every whim. "If you can do this for the next 1 to 2
months, I think your husband will regain his health completely. On the way home, the
husband asked his wife, "What did the doctor say?" "You're going to
die," she replied.

2007-06-14 08:34:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

gentleman start ur ingens

2007-06-14 08:33:13 · 4 answers · asked by THE LIL ASSASSIN 1

As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.


Answering, he heard his wife's voice urgently warning him,

"Herman, I just heard on the news that there's a car going the wrong way on 280. Please be careful!"

"Hell,"

said Herman, "it's not just one car. It's hundreds of them!"

2007-06-14 08:14:26 · 35 answers · asked by Anonymous

Secretary of Defense gave the president his daily briefing. He concluded by saying: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"OH NO!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!"

His staff was stunned at this display of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat, his head in his hands.

Finally, the president looked up and asked, "Just how many is a brazillion?"

2007-06-14 08:12:21 · 11 answers · asked by Little Miss Can't Be Wrong 5

Upon learning that Jesus fed the 5000, the men want to
know whether the two fish were bass or catfish, and what
bait was used to catch 'em.

The finance committee refuses to provide funds for the
purchase of a chandelier because none of the members knows
how to play one.

The pastor says, "I'd like to ask Bubba to help take up
the offering." Then five guys and two women stand up.

Opening day of deer season is recognized as an official
church holiday.

A member of the church requests to be buried in his
4-wheel-drive truck because "It ain't never been in a hole
it couldn't get out of."

The choir is known as the "OK Chorale."

In a congregation of 500 members, there are only seven
last names in the church directory.

Baptism is referred to as "Branding."

There is a special bake sale to raise funds for a new church
septic tank.

High notes on the organ set the dogs on the floor to howling.

The baptismal is a #2 galvanized wash tub.

The choir robes were donated by Billy Bob's Bar-B-Q, and are
embroidered with his logo.

The collection plates are really hubcaps from a '56 Chevy.

2007-06-14 08:09:44 · 14 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

A married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such when they passed this small sandal shop.

From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop!"

So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them. He was satisfied with things they way they were. The Jamaican quickly figured out the wife felt like she was getting the short end of the stick, so to speak.

The wife asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

2007-06-14 07:58:01 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sally drives her car due west for half a mile, without turning. When she stops, the car is facing east. How is this possible?

2007-06-14 07:50:05 · 14 answers · asked by Shona L 5

Learning to Cuss

Two little kids, aged six and eight, decide it's time to learn how to swear. So, the eight-year-old says to the six-year-old, "Okay, you say ***' and I'll say hell'".

All excited about their plan, they troop downstairs, where their mother asks them what they'd like for breakfast.

"Aw, hell," says the eight-year-old, "gimme some Cheerios."

His mother backhands him off the stool, sending him bawling out of the room, and turns to the younger brother. "What'll you have?"

"I dunno," quavers the six-year-old, "but you can bet your *** it ain't gonna be Cheerios."

2007-06-14 06:55:41 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

George W. Bush was out jogging one morning when he tripped, fell over a bridge railing and landed in the creek below.

Before the Secret Service guys could get to him, three kids who were fishing, pulled him out of the water. He was so grateful he offered the kids whatever they wanted.

The first kid said, "I sure would like to go to Disneyland." George said, "No problem. I'll take you there on Air Force One."

The second kid said, "I really need a new pair of Nike Air Jordan's." George said, "I'll get them for you and even have Michael sign them!"

The third kid said, "I want a motorized wheelchair with a built-in TV and stereo headset!!" George Bush is a little perplexed by this and says, "But you don't look like you are injured."

The kid says, "I will be after my dad finds out I saved your a*s from drowning!"

2007-06-14 05:48:12 · 38 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was in bed with her lover when she heard her husband opening the
front door. "Hurry," she said, "stand in the corner." She rubbed baby oil
all over him, then dusted him with talcum powder. "Don't move until I tell
you," she said. "Pretend you're a statue."

"What's this?" the husband inquired as he entered the room. "Oh it's a
statue." she replied. "The Smith's bought one and I liked it so much I got
one for us, too." No more was said, not even when they went to bed.

Around 2 AM the husband got up, went to the kitchen and returned with a
sandwich and a beer.
"Here," he said to the statue, "have this. I stood like that for two days at
the Smith's and nobody offered me a darn thing."

2007-06-14 05:38:29 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

yes this is a joke p

2007-06-14 05:03:27 · 26 answers · asked by R.I.P. Paul Gray 3

The weather was very hot and this man wanted desperately to take a dive in a nearby lake. He didn't bring his swimming outfit, but who cared? He was all alone. So he undressed and got into the water.

After some delightful minutes of cool swimming, a pair of old ladies walked onto the shore in his direction. He panicked, got out of the water and grabbed a bucket lying in the sand nearby. He held the bucket in front of his private area and sighed with relief.

The ladies got nearby and looked at him. He felt awkward and wanted to move.

Then one of the ladies said, "You know, I have a special gift, I can read minds."

"Impossible', said the embarrassed man, 'You really know what I think?"

"Yes", the lady replied, "Right now, I bet you think that the bucket you're holding has a bottom."

2007-06-14 05:03:09 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

he wanted to dig his tomato garden,but it was hard work for his advanced years and the ground was very hard.
His only son spiro who used to help him was in prison,
the old man wrote a letter to his son and described his predicament,
Dear spiro,
Iam feeling pretty bad because it looks like i wont be able to plant my tomatoes this year.
Im getting to old to be digging a plot.
If you were here all my troubles would be over,
Love Papa

Afew days later a letter arrived from his son

Dear papa,
Dont go digging up the garden,
Thats were i buried the bodies,
Love spiro.

At 4 am federal agents arrived and dug for two days without finding any bodies,
They apoligised to the upset old man and left.
The same day the old man recieved another letter from his son.

Dear papa,
Go ahead and plant your tomatoes,Thats the best i could do under the ciccumstances,
love spiro.


star if you smiled

2007-06-14 04:46:58 · 16 answers · asked by dollyk 6

One day in a pub, a guy came and announced that he was very good in archery. He asked a guy to stand at a far spot with a watermelon on his head. He pulled his bow and "PA!" The arrow was shot into the watermelon.


The guy who stood there asked: " Who are you?" He replied: " I am Robin Hood."



At this moment, another guy walked into the pub and announced that he was much better. He asked a guy to stand at a far spot with an apple on his head. He pulled the bow and "PA!" The arrow was shot into the apple.



The guy asked:" Who are you?" He replied: "I am Maple Archer."



At this moment, another guy walked in and announced that he was the best. He asked a guy to stand at a far spot with a grape on his head. He pulled the bow and "PA!" The arrow was shot into the guy's heart!



The shot guy said in pain:" Who are you?" He replied:" I am ~~~~~~~~sorry!!"

2007-06-14 04:34:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

My dad's birthday is tomorrow and he's turning 47. I'd like to make him a card this year instead of buying one, but I have no idea what to write in it except happy birthday, love ya. So if anyone knows any funny birthday card messages, lemme hear 'em. Thanks!

2007-06-14 04:28:35 · 8 answers · asked by curious 3

An old man was sitting on a park bench and along comes a guy about 20 years old and sits next to the old man. Now this younger guy has dyed his hair striped green, red, blue, orange, and yellow. The old man can't stop stareing at him. Finnally the young guy asks, "Why are you stareing at me?" "Well" says the old man, "You see about 21 years ago I got really drunk and woke up next to a dead parrot, and I was just wondering if you were my son."

2007-06-14 04:23:33 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous