Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

The bride tells her husband, "Honey, you know I'm a virgin and I don't know
anything about sex. Can you explain it to me first?"

"OK, Sweetheart. Putting it simply, we will call your private place 'the
prison' and call my private thing 'the prisoner'. So what we do is: put the
prisoner in the prison.

And then they made love for the first time.

Afterwards, the guy is lying face up on the bed, smiling with satisfaction.

Nudging him, his bride giggles, "Honey the prisoner seems to have escaped."

Turning on his side, he smiles. "Then we will have to re-imprison him."

After the second time they spent, the guy reaches for his cigarettes but
the girl, thoroughly enjoying the new experience of making love, gives him
a suggestive smile, "Honey, the prisoner is out again!"

The man rises to the occasion, but with the unsteady legs of a recently
born foal.

2007-06-15 10:52:41 · 7 answers · asked by enchantress 3

A young newleywed calls her mum the day after she was married. She was in a panic saying that they just had a horrible fight and she doesn't know what to do.

The mum tells her that all couples fight occasionally and instructs her daughter to calm down.

The daughter takes a few deep breaths and does calm down and asks her mum "Okay, what should I do with the body?

Star if you like it. Curse me if you don't!!!!!!

2007-06-15 10:14:55 · 17 answers · asked by Sports fan 5

What comes in the morning, leaves in the evening, and never comes back again?

you have to know the answer to this one!

2007-06-15 10:13:05 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

Joe took his blind date to the carnival.

"What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe.

"I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.
Next, the couple went on the Ferris Wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do.
"I want to get weighed," she said.
Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.
The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
"I want to get weighed," she responded.
By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.
Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?"
Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."

2007-06-15 09:31:22 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Marine was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend. In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone and she wanted to break up with him. AND, she wanted pictures of herself back.

So the Marine did what any squared-away Marine would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women that he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures of women (with clothes and without) to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I don't remember which one you are. Please remove your pictures and send the rest back."

2007-06-15 09:24:35 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Due to a power outage, only one paramedic responded to the call.

The house was very dark so the paramedic asked Kathleen, a 3-yr old Girl to hold a flashlight high over her mommy so he could see while he helped deliver the baby.

Very diligently, Kathleen did as she was asked.

Heidi pushed and pushed and after a little while, Connor was born.

The paramedic lifted him by his little feet and spanked him on his Bottom. Connor began to cry.

The paramedic then thanked Kathleen for her help and asked the Wide-eyed 3-yr old what she thought about what she had just witnessed.

Kathleen quickly responded, "He shouldn't have crawled in there in the first place......smack his butt again!"

2007-06-15 09:21:41 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Brad, a guy on the local beach just couldn't make progress with any of the girls, so he heads over to the guard tower to see if the lifeguard has any advice for him.
"Dude, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing those baggy swim trunks that make you look like an old geezer. Grab yourself a pair of speedos, about two sizes too small, and drop a fist-sized potato inside. I'm telling you, you'll have all the babes you want!"

The following weekend, Brad hits the beach with his new Speedos, and his fist-sized potato and it's even worse than before. Everybody on the beach acts disgusted as he walks by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing, looking sick. So, Brad goes back to the life-guard again and ask him:

"What's wrong now?"

"Dude!" says the lifeguard: "The potato goes at the front!"

2007-06-15 08:50:22 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

driver: it's my pet
cop: take it to the zoo!!!
a few days later the same cop pulls over the same driver and says:
i thought i told you to take that penguin to the zoo
driver: oh i did take it to the zoo we had a great day out! do u have any more day trip ideas?

2007-06-15 08:26:49 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man enters a barber shop for a shave. While the barber is foaming him up, he mentions the problems he has getting a close shave around the cheeks.

"I have just the thing," says the barber taking a small wooden ball from a nearby drawer. "Just place this between your cheek and gum."

The client places the ball in his mouth and the barber proceeds with the closest shave the man has ever experienced. After a few strokes the client asks in garbled speech.

"And what if I swallow it?"

"No problem," says the barber. "Just bring it back tomorrow like everyone else does."

2007-06-15 08:20:00 · 6 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

....is isnt healty to eat so much candy and that he wouldn't live long. Johnny replied, "my great grandfather lived to be a hundred and two." The man asked if he ate as many candy bars as he did and Johnny said, "no, he minded his own f***** bizness."

2007-06-15 07:28:16 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

To identify the body of Shaymus who has been badly burnt. Paddy looks first,turns the body over and says"No,that's not him" Mick then looks,turns the body over "No that's not Shaymus's body" Doc asks"How can you be so sure?" Paddy replies"When we all went out together,folks used to say ahh here's Shaymus with the two a rseholes"

2007-06-15 07:22:56 · 13 answers · asked by itchycracks 1

It's a beautiful warm spring day and a man and his wife are at the zoo. They walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a massive gorilla, which promptly goes mental. He jumps up on the bars, grunting and pounding his chest. He is obviously excited because of the pretty lady in front of him.

The husband, noticing the excitement, suggests that his wife tease the poor fellow. He tells her to pucker her lips, wiggle her bum, and flirt with the ape.

She does and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead. Then the husband suggests that she lets one of her dress straps fall. She does, which makes the gorilla is so excited, he almost tears the bars down.

The husband then suggests that his wife lifts her dress up. She does, and it drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.

Then, quickly, the husband opens the door to the cage, slings her in with the gorilla and says, “Now, tell him you have a headache.”

2007-06-15 07:12:21 · 23 answers · asked by richard_beckham2001 7

I want to send over some lawn decorations for my father's 50th birthday. He has a great personality so I know he won't be offended. However, I need help picking out what kind of animal to use. The website I found:

http://www.flamingosurprise.com/pick.html

It gives me a lot of choices and I'm not too creative. They also put up a sign with whatever you want on it.

So what I'm asking for is some help on picking out an animal and coming up with a clever sign.

Some examples: Pink flamingoes or crows with a sign that says "We flew in to flip Ed the bird on his 50th birthday"

Thanks for your help!!

2007-06-15 06:26:58 · 0 answers · asked by Melissa♡ 3

like this dreadful riddle; I mean why wase points?
http://answers.yahoo.com/question/index;_ylt=AmVppSnSheROrfFgZ8Ne8Kfty6IX?qid=20070614230231AA0R6Gi&show=7#profile-info-f2vIuGqgaa

2007-06-15 06:21:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Military qualities of the Pen*s?
1. It salutes deserving people
2. It conquers Virginland
3. It marches trough thick jungle
4. Enters any cavern
5. Fires any base
6. Enters any wet land with or without boots
7. Kicks as hard as he can
8. Shoots as far as possible in night vision mode
9. Not afraid of tear gas or floods
10.Fights till last drop
11. Lands without parachute
12. Retrieves and makes him small after mission accomplished

Ha ha. Star if you like it...

2007-06-15 05:35:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI FIC
STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go back and try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
?
?
?

The brain cannot process "OF".
?
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! Anyone who sees all six the first time is a genious!
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy, and keep them occupied for several minutes

2007-06-15 05:30:39 · 45 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman left work late and headed straight for the bars, seeing that all of her friends had already left she took a seat, ordered a martini, and sat alone.

After her second martini the most stunning man she had ever seen took a seat next to her and ordered her a third martini. A couple martinis and a lot of flirting later the man leaned in and said

"I'll do anything you want me to do for $50 dollars"

The woman replied quite devastatingly "You're a prostitute? Oh dear, I'm not that kind of woman"

The male prostitute bought her another drink and told her to think about it. After 20 minutes she agreed.

"Ok, I'll do anything you want for $50, ANYTHIIIING, however, you must be able to tell me what you want in only 3 words"

after thinking reeeeeeeeeeeal hard about it she wrote down three words on a napkin, tucked it into his front pocket, and glided out the front door.

the man unfolded the piece of paper, and read the contents:

"Clean my house"

2007-06-15 05:27:32 · 8 answers · asked by nothing 5

An atheist was walking through the woods one day in Alaska,admiring all the evolution had created."What majestic trees!powerfull river!beautiful animals!"he said to him self.
he heard some thing in the bushes behind him.He saw a brown bear behind him.He ran as fast as he could,He looked over his shoulder and it was rapidly closeing in on him,so scared that tears came to his eye's.
His heart pounding trying to run faster,he triped and fell.The bear was right over him,reaching with his paw to strike him.

"OH MY GOD!...."

Time stopped.
the bear froze.
the forest fell silent.
the river stopped moving.
A bright light shone and a voice came from around him....
"YOU DENY MY EXSTENCE FOR ALL THESE YEARS,TEACH OTHERS I DON'T EXIST AND THAT CREATION IS JUST A COSMIC ACCIDENT!!
DO YOU EXPECT MY HELP KNOW?
Diffacult as it was he looked into the ligh and said no but maybe you could make the bear a christian?"

"VERY WELL"said god
bear dropped to his knees"LORD,thanks for the meal.

2007-06-15 04:47:03 · 1 answers · asked by "!" 5

How much wood, would the wood chuck.... chuck ...... iffffffff
the wood chuck, would chuck wood?

2007-06-15 04:33:01 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Monica Lewinsky virus:
Sucks all the memory out of your computer

Titanic virus:
Makes your whole computer go down

Disney virus:
Everything in the computer goes Goofy

Mike Tyson virus:
Quits after one byte

Prozac virus:
Screws up your RAM but your processor doesn?t care

Sharon Stone virus:
Makes a huge initial impact, then you forget it?s there.

2007-06-15 04:13:53 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

I did untill I watched mythbusters. lol

2007-06-15 04:06:47 · 35 answers · asked by Cole Cooper™ 4

What is the simularities between Micheal Jackson and a Playstation?


They are both 95% plastic and get turned on by kids!

2007-06-15 04:06:28 · 34 answers · asked by manadude2 4

My neighbor found out her dog could hardly hear from the veterinarian. He determined that the problem was hair in its ears, so he cleaned both ears and the dog could hear fine.
The vet then proceeded to tell the lady that if she wanted to keep this from reoccuring she should go to the store and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month.
The lady went to the drug store and gets some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the druggist tells her,"If you're going to use this under your arms don't use deodorant for a few days."
The lady says,"I'm not using this under my arms."
The druggist says,"If you're using it on your legs don't shave for a couple of days."
The lady says: "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my schnauzer."
The druggist says: "Stay off your bicycle for a week."

2007-06-15 04:05:40 · 1 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

A woman woke in the middle of the night to find her husband missing from the bed. In the stillness of the house, she could hear a muffled sound downstairs. She went downstairs and looked all around, finally finding her husband in the basement,crouched in the corner, facing the wall and sobbing.

"What's wrong with you?" she asked him.

"Remember when your father caught us having sex when you were sixteen?" he replied. "And remember he said I had two choices: I could either marry you or spend the next twenty years in prison."

Baffled, she said, "Yes, I remember. So what?"

"Well I would have been a free man today."

2007-06-15 04:02:53 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A police officer came upon a terrible wreck where the driver and passenger had been killed. As he looked upon the wreckage a little monkey came out of the brush and hopped around the crashed car. The officer looked down at the monkey and said, "I wish you could talk."
The monkey looked up at the officer and shook his head up and down. "You can understand what I'm saying?" asked the officer.

Again, the monkey shook his head up and down.

"Well, did you see this?"
"Yes," motioned the monkey.
"What happened?"
The monkey pretended to have a can in his hand and turned it up by his mouth.

"They were drinking?" asked the officer. The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"
The monkey pinched his fingers together and held them to his mouth.

"They were smoking marijuana?" The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

"What else?"
The monkey motioned "kissing."

"They were kissing, too?" asked the astounded officer.
The monkey shakes his head "Yes."

2007-06-15 03:32:51 · 49 answers · asked by Anonymous

10 points for the first correct answer.

2007-06-15 03:31:56 · 31 answers · asked by Anonymous

ALZHEIMERS' EYE TEST

Count every " F" in the following text:

FINISHED FILES ARE THE RE
SULT OF YEARS OF SCIENTI
FIC STUDY COMBINED WITH
THE EXPERIENCE OF YEARS...

HOW MANY ?

WRONG, THERE ARE 6 -- no joke.
READ IT AGAIN !
Really, go back and try to find the 6 F's before you scroll down.
The reasoning behind is further down.
?
?
?

The brain cannot process "OF".
?
Incredible or what? Go back and look again!! Anyone who sees all six the first time is a genious!
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
? ? ? ? ? ? ?
Three is normal, four is quite rare.
Send this to your friends.
It will drive them crazy, and keep them occupied for several minutes

2007-06-15 03:08:54 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A women goes to her boyfriend's parent's house for dinner.This is to be her first time meeting the family and she is very nervous.They all sit down to begin to eat a fine meal.The women is beginning to feel a little discomfort, thanks to her nervousness and the broccoli cassrole. The gas pains are almost making her eyes water.Left with no other choice.She decides to relieve herself a bit and lets out a dainty little fart.It wasn't loud. but everyone at the table heard the poot.
Before she even had a chance to be embarrassed,her boyfriend's father looked over at the dog that had been speeling at her feet,and said in a stern voice,"ginger!"The women thought,this is great!"and a big smile came across her face.A couple minutes later,she was beginning to feelthe pain again.Thistime,she did'nt even hesitate.she let a much louder and longer fart rip.The father again looked at the dog and yelled."dammit ginger!" she lets rip again.father yelled louder"ginger" MOVE before she shits on you

2007-06-15 02:28:58 · 8 answers · asked by "!" 5

The pope was coming into town to eat dinner at the local Monastery. Brother John realized they needed somethin really good to eat so he sent Brother Andrew down to the lake to catch something. Upon reeling in a huge fish the local fisherman said: "Thats one big sum'***** you caught there!" Brother Andrew said "Sir, please, your language." The fisherman, a bit embarassed, replied"Oh no I'm sorry but thats the name of the fish!" So Brother Andrew said "Oh, well then yeah that is a nice sum'*****!" He took the fish to the cook and said "Hey I need you to fry this sum'***** up!" The cook looked mortified and Brother Andrew said "Oh I'm sorry, sum'***** is the name of the fish." The cook responded "Oh well I'll just fry that sum'***** up!" Dinner roles around and the Pope stands and asks "What kind of fish is this?" Brother Andrew replies "Well that there is a sum'*****!" Brother John is totally embarassed when the pope nudges him and says "You know, you motherfukkers are alright!"

2007-06-15 02:27:58 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Dear Lord,
I pray for Wisdom to understand my man; Love to forgive him; And Patience for his moods. Because, Lord, if I pray for Strength, I'll beat him to death.
AMEN

2007-06-15 01:17:21 · 10 answers · asked by Taddy 2