Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

So nobody can break in and clean them!

2007-06-17 10:50:39 · 11 answers · asked by Michael G 2

What's the definition of the bravest man in the world??


The man that comes home late, pissed out of his face, stinking of perfume, that walks up to his wife, slaps her bum and shouts "Your next fatty!!"

2007-06-17 10:40:08 · 8 answers · asked by Kirk_84 4

A university student delivers a pizza to an old man's house. "I suppose you want a tip?" says the old man.
"That would be great," says the student, "but the other guy who does deliveries told me not to expect too much – he said if I got 50p, I'd be lucky."
The old man looks hurt. "Well, to prove him wrong, here's £5. What are you studying?"
"Applied psychology," replies the student.

2007-06-17 09:58:28 · 14 answers · asked by lisa o 2

A man is stranded on a desert island for 10 years.
One day a beautiful girl swims to shore in a wetsuit.
Man: "Hi! I am so happy to see you."
Girl: "Hi! It seems like you've been here a long time. How long has it been since you've had a cigarette?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
With this information the girl unzips a slot on the arm of her wet suit and gives the man a cigarette.
Man: "Thank you so much!"
Girl: "So tell me how long has it been since you had a drink?"
Man: "It's been 10 years!"
The girl unzips another pocket on her wet suit and comes out with a flask of whiskey and gives the man a drink.
Man: "Thank you so much. You are like a miracle!"
Girl (starting to unzip the front of her wet suit): "So tell me then, how long has it been since you played around?"
Man: "Oh, my God, don't tell me you've got a set of golf clubs in there, too...!"

2007-06-17 09:56:17 · 9 answers · asked by lisa o 2

The newly-married husband came home from the office to find his young wife in floods of tears. "Darling, whatever is the matter?" he asked.

"Sweetheart," she sobbed, "the most terrible thing has happened! I cooked my very first Beef Bourguignon for you, and I got it out of the oven to season it, and the phone rang. When I came back from answering the phone," she sobbed again. "I found that the cat had eaten it!"

"Don't worry, darling," said her husband. "Don't cry. We can get a new cat tomorrow."

2007-06-17 09:54:46 · 9 answers · asked by bilbo b 4

a man walks up to his wife and says "i killed 3 flies. 2 males and 1 felmale." and his wife says "how do you know if it was a girl or boy?" and he says "the males were sittin' on top of a beer can, and the girl was sittin' on a phone."

2007-06-17 09:35:55 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Poor men have it
Rich men want it
It can fill a hole
It is greater than God.
What is it?

With a knife, cut open my head
Then weep beside me when I am dead.
What am I?

It has no top or bottom but it can hold flesh, bones and blood all at the same time.
What is this object?

2007-06-17 08:56:39 · 25 answers · asked by Michael G 2

AGE.

2007-06-17 08:12:30 · 13 answers · asked by Mee~mOe~ 5

Actually, I have two....
I like the original Coca Cola commercial, I want to teach the world to sing. (its a classic)
Also,when coast soap first came out. This couple were in bed and "he" had to get up for work, but couldn't wake up. It's pouring outside which made him want to stay in bed all the more. Well, with everything he has he gets into the shower and when he smells the soap, it's wakes him right up. Now he is awake and full of life, he's getting ready for work dancing around and has all this energy. Well, it's still raining cats and dogs and his wife says, "honey how are you getting to work this morning?" (as he says this he does the motion) Back Stroke!
Everyone I knew got a kick out of that one. This was, shoot... 25 yrs ago. :)
What's yours?

2007-06-17 08:02:12 · 9 answers · asked by MsElainious 4

2007-06-17 07:38:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Clinton dies and goes straight to hell. When he gets there the Devil greets him and offers him 3 ways to spend eternity. He opens the first door and Bill sees Newt Gingrich hanging from the ceiling with fire under him. Bill says "oh no. That's not how I want to spend eternity..."

The Devil then shows him what is behind door #2. There is Rush Limbaugh chained to the wall being tortured. Bill says, "Nope. Not for me."

The Devil then opens door #3. Behind it is Kenneth Starr, chained to the wall with Monica Lewinsky on her knees giving him a BJ.

Bill says, "Hmmm. Looks ok to me. I'll take it!"

The Devil then says "Good..... Hey Monica, you've been replaced..."

2007-06-17 07:17:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

joke for you?

An elderly couple was on a cruise and it was really stormy. They were standing on the back of the boat watching the moon, when a wave came up and washed
the old woman overboard. They searched for days and couldn't find her, so the captain sent the old man back to shore with the promise that he would notify him as soon as they found something.

Three weeks went by and finally the old man got a fax from the boat. It read: "Sir, sorry to inform you, we found your wife dead at the bottom of
the ocean. We hauled her up to the deck and attached to her butt was an oyster and in it was a pearl worth $50,000, please advise."

The old man faxed back: "Send me the pearl and re-bait the trap."

2007-06-17 07:04:27 · 5 answers · asked by lisababyg ♥ 5

He was up a tree and somebody waved!

How did George W. Bush break his RIGHT arm?

They did it again!

2007-06-17 05:51:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

a skittles bag! LOL!

2007-06-17 05:46:23 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

No-legs lay on one-leg, two legs sat near on three legs, four legs got some

2007-06-17 05:32:14 · 9 answers · asked by Michael G 2

If you were running a race, and you passed the person in 2nd place, what place would you be in now?

2007-06-17 05:09:58 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

i have just bought a race horse im gonna call it my face . it should be fun when all the in the stand when all the women shout "c,mon on my face!"

2007-06-17 05:08:22 · 18 answers · asked by smurfette 3

After being with her all evening, the man couldn't take another minute with his blind date. Earlier, he had secretly arranged to have a friend call him to the phone so he would have an excuse to leave if something like this happened.

When he returned to the table, he lowered his eyes, put on a grim expression and said, "I have some bad news. My grandfather just died."

"Thank heavens," his date replied. "If yours hadn't, mine would have had to!"

2007-06-17 04:39:15 · 22 answers · asked by lisa o 2

can you figure it out?

2007-06-17 04:37:57 · 30 answers · asked by chancehawk23 1

An Amish boy and his father were visiting a mall. They were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and back together again. The boy asked his father, "What is this, Father?" The father [never having seen an elevator] responded "Son, I have never seen anything like this in my life, I don't know what it is."

While the boy and his father were watching wide-eyed, an old lady in a wheel chair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched small circles of lights with numbers above the walls light up. They continued to watch the circles light up in the reverse direction.

The walls opened up again and a beautiful 24-year-old woman stepped out. The father said to his son, "Go get your mother."

2007-06-17 04:37:46 · 24 answers · asked by lisa o 2

One day old man Stumpy and his wife Martha went to the Illinois State Fair. There is this man selling plane rides in his single prop show plane for $10 per person. Stumpy looks to Martha and says, "Martha, I think I really should try that." Martha replies, "I know you want to Stumpy, but we have a lot of bills, and you know the money is tight, and $10 is $10." So Stumpy goes without. Over the next few years they return every year, and the same thing, Stumpy wants to ride, but Martha says no money.

Finally, when Stumpy and Martha are both about 70 years old, Stumpy looks to Martha, and says, "Martha, I'm 70 now, and I don't know if I'll ever get the chance again, so I just have to have a ride in that there airplane." Martha replies in the same old fashion, and Stumpy kind of slumps down. The pilot is standing near by and overhears the conversation...

The pilot pipes up, "Excuse me folks, I couldn't help but hear your situation, and I have a deal for you. I'll take both of you up together, and if you can both make the entire trip without saying a word, or even making the slightest sound, I'll give the ride for free. But if either of you make a sound, its $10 each." Well, Martha and Stumpy look at each other, and agree to take the ride.

The pilot takes them up, and starts to do loop de loops, twists, dives, climbs and spins. No sound. The pilot lands the plane, looks back at Stumpy and says, "Sir, I have to hand it to ya, you didn't make even the slightest sound and that was my best stuff." Stumpy looks back at the pilot and says, "Well, I was gonna say something when Martha fell out, but $10 is $10!"

2007-06-17 04:36:04 · 16 answers · asked by lisa o 2

Joan, who was a rather well-proportioned secretary, spent almost all of her vacation sunbathing on the roof of her hotel. She wore a bathing suit the first day, but on the second, she decided that no one could see her way up there, and she slipped out of it for an overall tan.

She'd hardly begun when she heard someone running up the stairs. She was lying on her stomach, so she just pulled a towel over her rear. "Excuse me, miss," said the flustered assistant manager of the hotel, out of breath from running up the stairs. "The Hilton doesn't mind your sunbathing on the roof, but we would very much appreciate your wearing a bathing suit as you did yesterday." "What difference does it make?" Joan asked rather calmly. "No one can see me up here, and besides, I'm covered with a towel."

"Not exactly," said the embarrassed man. "You're lying on the dining room skylight."

2007-06-17 04:22:44 · 28 answers · asked by Pd 6

May be it's old , but you can still enjoy it.
Movies related to student's life:
For party - Main hoon na
Classes - Kabhie Kabhie
Chemistry - Kuch to hai
Maths - Asambhav
Physics - Mission impossible
Exams - Socha na tha
Question paper - Na tum jaano na hum
Copying - Yaraan naal baharaan
December exams - Yeh kya ho raha hai
Final result - Murder

2007-06-17 02:45:58 · 18 answers · asked by niti 2

One night, at a party, The host asked his guests:

"How many here believe in ghosts?"
Everyone put up their hand.

"How many have seen ghosts?"
A lot of people put up their hand.

"How many have touched a ghost?"
Five people put up their hands

"How many have had sex with a ghost?"
One person put up their hand.

"Well then," said the host, "why don't you come up here and tell us all about it."

The man walked up.

"So, how was your night with the ghost?" asked the host.

"Ghost?" Said the man, "Sorry, I thought you said goat."

2007-06-17 01:11:30 · 29 answers · asked by kumar v 3

2007-06-17 00:35:11 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you are sitting next to somone who irritates you on a plane or train....

1. Quietly and calmly open up your laptop case.

2. Remove your laptop.

3. Turn it on.

4. Make sure the guy who won't leave you alone can see the screen.

5. Open this email.

6. Close your eyes and tilt your head up to the sky and mumble under your breath..

7. Then hit this link: http://www.thecleverest.com/countdown.swf

TRY IT

2007-06-17 00:33:50 · 9 answers · asked by PC 7

If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle. If the horse has one front leg in the air the person died as a result of wounds received in battle. If the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural causes.

Q. Half of all Americans live within 50 miles of what?

A. Their birthplace.

Q. If you were to spell out numbers, how far would you have to go until you would find the letter "A"?
A. One thousand

Q. What do bulletproof vests, fire escapes, windshield wipers, and laser printers all have in common?
A. All invented by women.

Q. What is the only food that doesn't spoil?
A. Honey

~~~~AND FINALLY~~~~~~~~~~~~

At least 75% of people who read this will try to lick their elbow.

2007-06-17 00:21:03 · 7 answers · asked by PC 7

2007-06-17 00:16:56 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

The first couple to be shown in bed together on prime time TV were Fred and Wilma Flintstone.

Men can read smaller print then women can; women can hear better.

It is impossible to lick your elbow.

The State with the highest percentage of people who walk to work: Alaska

The average number of people airborne over the US any given hour: 61,000

Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

The first novel ever written on a typewriter: Tom Sawyer.

The San Francisco Cable cars are the only mobile National Monuments.

111,111,111 x 111,111,111 = 12,345,678,987,654,321

Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history:
Spades - King David
Hearts - Charlemagne
Clubs -Alexander, the Great
Diamonds - Julius Caesar

2007-06-17 00:16:00 · 6 answers · asked by PC 7

There are no words in the dictionary that rhyme with orange,
purple and silver.

Astronauts are not allowed to eat beans before they go into space
because passing wind in a spacesuit damages them.

The very first bomb dropped by the Allies on Berlin in World War II killed the only elephant in the Berlin Zoo.

Weatherman Willard Scott was the first Ronald McDonald.

If one places a tiny amount of liquor on a scorpion, it will
instantly go mad and sting itself to death. (Who was the sadist who
discovered this??)

Bruce Lee was so fast that they actually had to s-l-o-w film down
so you could see his moves. That's the opposite of the norm.

The first CD pressed in the US was Bruce Springsteen's "Born in
the USA ."

The original name for butterfly was flutterby.

The phrase "rule of thumb" is derived from an old English law which stated that you couldn't beat your wife with anything wider than your thumb.

2007-06-17 00:07:02 · 8 answers · asked by PC 7