Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A man and his wife were cleaning out their back yard. The husband said to his wife,"Jeez, honey your a*se is as wide as the BBQ grill." The wife ignore this remark.

A little later, the husband, measuring tape in hand walked over to his wife. While she was bending over to tend to the flower bed, he measures her back side. "Honey, your a*se is definitely as wide as the grill!" She again ignores this comment.

Later that night, whilst in bed, the husband began to feel amorous. He starts to hug and stroke her until the wife said, "If you think i'm gonna fire up the grill for one little weiner, you're out of your mind."

2007-06-18 07:06:43 · 17 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

green man shows?
or
green man goes.
which is it ,its says it at traffic lights.

2007-06-18 07:04:37 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

gottcha now your a hostage! i did say ......know how do you get out?

2007-06-18 06:47:51 · 12 answers · asked by "!" 5

Hint: its a girl name that starts with R

2007-06-18 06:46:53 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

A white guy is walking along a beach when he comes across a lamp partially buried in the sand. He picks up the lamp and gives it a rub.
Two blonde genies appear, and tell him he has been granted three wishes. The guy makes his three wishes and the blonde genies disappear.
suddenly he's in a bedroom, in a mansion surrounded by 50 beautiful women. He makes love to all of them and begins to explore the house. Suddenly he feels something soft under his feet, he looks down and the floor is covered in $100 bills.
Then, there's a knock at the door... He answers it and standing there are two blokes dressed in Ku Klux Klan outfits. They drag him outside to the nearest tree, throw a rope over a limb and string him up until he's dead.
As the Klansmen walk away, they remove their hoods; it's the blonde genies.
one blondie genie say to the other i can understand why he wanting to be a millionaire and make love to beautiful woman but why did he want to be hung like a black man?

2007-06-18 06:27:44 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

K, here it is, me and my friends made it up, but a lot of people have heard it b4:

A blonde cop stops blonde motorist and asks for her driving license.

The Motorist scuffles around in her purse and can't find it. She says to the cop, "I must have left it at home officer."

The cop says, "Well, do you have any kind of identification?" The motorist scuffles around in her purse again, and finds a pocket mirror.

She looks at it and says to the cop, "All I have is this picture of myself." The cop says, "Let me see it, then." So the blonde motorist gives the mirror to the blonde cop, who looks at it, and replies, "Well, if I had known you were a police officer, I wouldn't have even pulled you over. You can go now."

Funny/lame??

2007-06-18 06:17:18 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

so this blonde pulls up to the side of the road to see this other blonde surfing in a weat field.. and the blonde says to herself.. "its ones lyk her that give us blondes a bad name..im gonna go swim out there and B**** slap her"

2007-06-18 06:12:17 · 6 answers · asked by .lovely. 3

They're both turned on by kids.

Rate out of ten please!

2007-06-18 06:10:40 · 8 answers · asked by Hoffman 5

i work at Food Basics supermarket..i was on cash and this lady payed for her items, after that she aks me "do you guys sell bread?"..i died laughing literrally...

2007-06-18 05:53:42 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's black and blue and brown and laying in a ditch?
>A brunette who's told too many blonde jokes.
>
>What do you call going on a blind date with a brunette?
>Brown-bagging it.
>
>What's the real reason a brunette keeps her figure?
>No one else wants it.
>
>What do you call a brunette in a room full of blondes?
>Invisible.
>
>What's a brunette's mating call?
>"Has the blonde left yet? "
>
>Why didn't Indians scalp brunettes?
>The hair from a buffalo's butt was more manageable.
>
>Why is brunette considered an evil color?
>When was the last time you saw a blonde witch?
>
>What do brunettes miss most about a great party?
>The invitation
>
>What do you call a good looking man with a brunette?
>A hostage
>
>Who makes bras for brunettes?
>Fisher-Price
>
>Why are brunettes so proud of their hair?
>It matches their moustache.
>
>Why are so many blonde jokes one liners?
>So brunettes can remember them
>
>
>What's the difference between a brunette and the

2007-06-18 05:49:31 · 16 answers · asked by .lovely. 3

A flying saucer landed at a gas station on a lonely country
road. The two space aliens inside seemed completely unconcerned
about detection; in fact, the letters "UFO" were emblazoned in
big, bold letters on one side of their shiny craft.
As the station owner stood and gawked in silence, paralyzed with
shock, his young, blonde attendant nonchalantly filled up the
tank and then waved to the two aliens as they took off.
"Do you realize what just happened?" the station owner finally
uttered.
"Yeah," said the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Didn't you see the space aliens in that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde. "So?"
"Didn't you see the letters 'UFO' on the side of that vehicle?!"
"Yeah," repeated the blonde attendant. "So?"
"Don't you know what 'UFO' means?!"
The blonde attendant rolled her eyes. "Good grief, boss! I've
been working here for five years. Of course I know what 'UFO'
means - it means 'Unleaded Fuel Only'.

2007-06-18 05:41:54 · 14 answers · asked by Karatekid 2

January - Took new scarf back to store because it was too tight.

February - Fired from pharmacy job for failing to print labels....."duh".....bottles won't fit in typewriter!!!

March - Got excited.....finished jigsaw puzzle in 6 months.....box said "2-4 years!"

April - Trapped on escalator for hours.....power went out!!!

May - Tried to make Kool-Aid.....8 cups of water won't fit into those little packets!!!

June - Tried to go water skiing.....couldn't find a lake with a slope.

July - Lost breast stroke swimming competition.....learned later, other swimmers cheated, they used their arms!!!

August - Got locked out of car in rain storm.....car swamped, because top was down.

September - The capital of California is "C".....isn't it???

October - Hate M & M's.....they are so hard to peel.

November - Baked turkey for 4 1/2 days.....instructions said 1 hour per pound and I weigh 108!!!

December - Couldn't call 911....."duh".....there's no "eleven" button on the phone!!!

What a year!!

2007-06-18 05:30:37 · 28 answers · asked by Karatekid 2

McGregor was on this death bed and he gasped his last words to his old friend, McTavish. "Jock." he said, "There's a bottle of Scotch under my bed. When I'm gone, will you sprinkle it on my grave? Promise me, Jock, that you'll do it", "Och, aye, Mcgregor, but would ye mind if I passed it through my kidneys first?"

2007-06-18 05:29:10 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde has just gotten a new sports car. She cuts out in front of a semi, and almost causes it to drive over a cliff. The driver furiously motions for her to pull over, and she does. The driver gets out and draws a circle and tells her to stand in it. Then he gets out his knife and cuts up her leather seats. He turns around and sees she's smiling. So he goes to his truck, takes out a baseball bat, and starts busting her windows and beating her car. He looks back to see that she's laughing. He's really mad now, so he takes his knife and slices her tires. He turns around and she's laughing so hard, she's about to fall down. He demands, "What's so funny?" She says, "Every time you weren't looking, I stepped out of the circle!"

2007-06-18 05:24:52 · 12 answers · asked by Karatekid 2

There was a man who had worked all his life and had saved all his money but was a real miser when it came to his money. He loved his money more than just about anything and just before he died, he said to his wife "Now listen. When I die, I want you to take all my money and put them in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me." So he got his wife to promise him with all her heart that when he died, she would put all his money in the casket with him.

Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket with his wife sitting there & her friend sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said "Wait just a minute please." With a box in her hand, she came over to the casket and put the box inside. Then the undertakers locked the casket down and rolled it away.

Her friend said "Dear, I know you were not fool enough to put all that money in there with your husband?"

2007-06-18 05:24:21 · 9 answers · asked by CJ 4

Two blondes came into a bar, sat down, and ordered drinks. They were making merry in a serious way and it was obvious to the bartender that they were celebrating something big. His curiosity finally got the better of him and he says " I hate to be nosy, but it's obvious that you two are celebrating something big. What's the occasion" One blonde replies "Well, we are just sooo proud of ourselves, because we just finished - just the two of us alone - a 50 piece jigsaw puzzle in only 3 days." Confused, the bartender says "So?", to which the other blonde says "Well, on the box it says 3 - 5 years"

2007-06-18 05:15:27 · 18 answers · asked by Karatekid 2

I have done it all! unlimited funds, houses in three states with women and cars in each. International travel at the drop of a hat. Embassy parties in Rome at short notice. Helicopter ski-ing, beach party's at Emerald bay. Back stage at the Stones and Sting. Please.... Whats next? or is it all just a dream?

2007-06-18 05:12:48 · 3 answers · asked by Traveler 7

I know they're silly but whatever...=)

'An apple a day keeps the doctor away'
So what if the doctor goes grocery shopping? Does he avoid the produce?

'The grass is always greener on the other side of the fence'
So what if you're on the other side of the fence?

'It's no use crying over spilled milk'
...it would make the mess harder to clean up.

'A picture is worth a 1000 words'
So can I hand in a picture of Michelangelo instead of writing a research paper?

'The pen is mightier than the sword'
Nope. It can't even cut BUTTER properly!

'Silence is golden'
Then why do mimes have to perform on the street?

'You can't judge a book by its cover'
...unless it has a synopsis written on it.

'Close, but no cigar'
Good, I'm trying to quit.

2007-06-18 05:12:32 · 9 answers · asked by lalala 3

A big Texan cowboy stopped at a local restaurant following a day of drinking and roaming around in Mexico. While sipping his tequila, he noticed a sizzling, scrumptious looking platter being served at the next table. Not only did it look good, the smell was wonderful. He asked the waiter, "What is that you just served?"
The waiter replied,
"Ah senor, you have excellent taste! Those are bull's testicle s from the bull fight this morning. A delicacy!" The cowboy, though momentarily daunted, said, "What the heck, I'm on vacation down here! Bring me an order!" The waiter replied, "I am so sorry senor. There is only one serving per day because there is only one bull fight each morning. If you come early tomorrow and place your order, we will be sure to save you this delicacy"!
The next morning, the cowboy returned, placed his order, and then that evening he was served the one and only special delicacy of the day. After a few bites, and inspecting the contents of his platter, he called to the waiter and said, "These are delicious, but they are much, much smaller than the ones I saw you serve yesterday!"
The waiter shrugged his shoulders and replied, "Si, Senor. Sometimes the bull wins."

2007-06-18 04:54:15 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

if we have a 100$.
and we need to go to the market and buy 100 birds.

the chicken is 5$.
the pigeon is 2$.
every 10 chicks is 1$.

but there are two rules:
1st we must spend exactly "ALLTHE 100$" to buy exactly100 bird.

the 2nd we must buy all kinds of birds (at least one of every kind)

how many pigeon(s), chicken(s) and birds do we need??

2007-06-18 04:53:30 · 12 answers · asked by SAM 2

can be about anything at all from math to psychology to definition of a word

2007-06-18 04:48:10 · 7 answers · asked by Curious Dude 1

On their first date, Joe took Rose to the carnival. When he asked her what she wanted to do first, Rose replied, "Get weighed."

So Joe took her to the man with the scale who guesses your weight. He looked at Rose and said, "One hundred and twenty pounds." Since Rose weighed in at one seventeen, she collected a prize.

Next they went on the roller coaster. When the ride was finished, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "Get weighed," she said. So they went back to the man with the scale, who of course guessed Rose's weight correctly.
Leaving without a prize, they went for a ride on the merry-go-round. After they got off, Joe asked Rose what she wanted to do next. "I want to get weighed!" she said again.

Now Joe began to think this girl was quite strange, and decided to end the evening quickly. He left her at the door with a quick handshake.

Rose's roommate was waiting up for her return and asked how the eveningwent.

"Wousy!" Rose replied.

2007-06-18 04:44:02 · 9 answers · asked by CJ 4

This guy walks into a bar and sits down next to a guy who has a burlap sack and a guy about a foot tall sitting on the bar playing a little piano.

The guy that walked into the bar asks the guy whatz in the bag. So the guy pulls out a genie lamp.

The guys says wow can i have one of your wishes.

He says I dont know rub the lamp and see. So the guy rubs the lamp and out pops the genie. The genie says the guy has one wish. The guy wishes for a million bucks. The genie says your wish is granted and goes back into the genie bottle.

Just then one million ducks walk into the bar. The guy says i didnt wish for a million ducks and to that the other guy replies oh yeah and i wished for a twelve inch pianist

2007-06-18 04:40:04 · 12 answers · asked by Mee~mOe~ 5

To catch the chicken!!

(Not trying to be offensive. I AM black, and I still think its funny)

2007-06-18 04:25:24 · 27 answers · asked by CJ 4

Billy Bob says to Lester, "You know, I reckon I'm about ready for a vacation, only this year I'm gonna do it a little different. The last few years, I took your advice as to where to go. Two years ago you said to go to Hawaii, I went to Hawaii, and Marie got pregnant. Then last year, you told me to go to the Bahamas, I went to the Bahamas, and Marie got pregnant again."
Lester says, "So what you gonna do different this year?"
Billy Bob says, "This year, I'm takin' Marie with me..."

2007-06-18 04:19:04 · 18 answers · asked by Mee~mOe~ 5

2007-06-18 04:16:13 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

Not PC, but I liked it. What do y'all think?

Some retired deputy sheriffs went to a retreat in the mountains. To save money, they decided to sleep two to a room. No one wanted to room with Daryl, because he snored so badly. They decided it wasn't fair to make one of them stay with him the whole time, so they voted to take turns.
The first deputy slept with Daryl and comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you"?
He said, "Daryl snored so loudly, I just sat up and watched him all night."
The next night, it was a different deputy's turn. In the morning, the same thing happened. His hair was all standing up and his eyes were all bloodshot. They said, "Man, what happened to you? You look awful!"
He said, "Man, that Daryl shakes the roof. I watched him all night."
The third night was Frank's turn. Frank was a big burly ex-football player. A man's man. The next morning, he came to breakfast bright eyed and bushy tailed.
"Good morning!" he said.
They couldn't believe it! They said, "Man, what happened"?
He said, "Well, we got ready for bed. I went and tucked Daryl into bed and kissed him goodnight. He sat up and watched me all night long."

2007-06-18 04:12:36 · 7 answers · asked by GreenEyedLilo 7

the Pearly Gates. St. Peter tells him that Heaven is filling up fast and that he has to answer 3 questions.

St. Peter says "The first question is: What 2 days of the year begin with the letter "T? Second: How many seconds are there in a year? Third: What is God's first name?"

So, Forrest comes back the next day, after he thought about the questions. "Forrest, let me hear your answers"

"Ok, well the first answer would be Today and Tomorrow."

St. Peter said "Well, thats not what I was expecting, but I can give you credit, let me hear your second answer"

Forrest says "The answer is 12."

"Forrest, how did you get 12?"

"Well there is Janurary 2, February 2..."

"Ok, Forrest, I can give you credit for that one too, what is the last answer?"

Well that one was the hardest, but his name is Andy"

"How in the world did you get that?"

"Well, the song, Andy he walks with me, and he talks with me..."

St. Peter opens the gates and says "Run, Forrest, Run!"

2007-06-18 04:11:59 · 6 answers · asked by Erica 2

I turn polar bears white
And I will make you cry.
I make guys have to pee
And girls comb their hair.
I make celebrities look stupid
And normal people look like celebrities.
I turn pancakes brown
And make your champane bubble.
If you sqeeze me, I'll pop.
If you look at me, you'll pop.
Can you guess the riddle?

2007-06-18 03:50:55 · 30 answers · asked by danielle g 1

Mr.&Ms Duncan are shopping today at a brand new mall.
One moment the question : " Would it be nice to buy something for your mother´s birthday, dear?
" Yes, good idea! but what?"
" maybe something electric?"
" Oh yes! a chair!!!!"

2007-06-18 03:40:11 · 11 answers · asked by Happy Feet 7