Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started cavassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the frontdoor of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.
"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will it cost?"
The blonde said about 50$. The man told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she ralize that the porchgoes all the way around the house?"
The man replied," She should. She was standing on the porch." A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked
"Yes, and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats."
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the 50$.
"And by the way," the blonde added," that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari.

2007-06-18 16:43:43 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A teacher was wrapping up class for the day and reminded the students of their final exams tomorrow..''Unless you have a serious medical condition or a family member passes away,their will be no excuses for not showing up.''..One smart ass male student said,''What about extreme sexual exhaustion Miss?'',and the whole class burst out laughing...

The teacher waited till the laughter died down, looked at the smart ass and said,''Thats not an excuse,you can use your other hand to write with.''

2007-06-18 16:34:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a man is working for a pet shop for 10 years and has a very uneventful life untill one day he is approached by a lady who has a pet dog. she is interested in...

i cant be assed to finish it!!!

finish the riddle and give a good answer for 10 points!

2007-06-18 16:22:37 · 26 answers · asked by Anonymous

they go tho the beach the the shops even the park
how can i stop these two banana's

2007-06-18 16:19:16 · 9 answers · asked by Conan 3

they are passing through the esophagus???

2007-06-18 16:18:49 · 6 answers · asked by pb b 2

A girl asks her boyfriend to come over Friday night
and have dinner with her parents. Since this is such a
big event, the girl announces to her boyfriend that
after dinner, she would like to go out and make love
for the first time.
Well, the boy is ecstatic, but he has never had sex
before, so he takes a trip to the pharmacist to get
some condoms. He tells the pharmacist it's his first time and
the pharmacist helps the boy for about an hour.
He tells the boy everything there is to know about condoms and sex.
At the register, the pharmacist asks the boy how many
condoms he'd like to buy, a 3-pack, 10-pack, or family
pack. The boy insists on the family pack because he
thinks he will be rather busy, it being his first time and all.
That night, the boy shows up at the girl's parents
house and meets his girlfriend at the door. "Oh, I'm
so excited for you to meet my parents, come
on in!"

2007-06-18 16:13:08 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started.
Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"
The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a
rooster."
Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.
She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.
He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."
He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.." he said with a deep sigh, . .
..........................................................................................................
"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

2007-06-18 16:12:55 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman was sitting at a bar enjoying an after

work cocktail with her girlfriends when an

exceptionally tall, handsome, extremely sexy,

middle-aged man entered. He was so striking that the

woman could not take her eyes off him.

The young-at-heart man noticed her overly

attentive stare and walked directly toward her. (As

all men do.)

Before she could offer her apologies for staring

so rudely, he leaned over and whispered to her, "I'll

do anything, absolutely anything, that you want me to

do, no matter how kinky, for $20.00......on one

condition."

Flabbergasted, the woman asked what the condition

was. The man replied, "You have to tell me what you

want me to do in just three words."

The woman considered his proposition for a moment,
and then slowly removed a $20 bill from her purse,
which she pressed into the man's hand along with her
address. She looked deeply into his eyes, and slowly
and meaningfully said....

"Clean My House!"

2007-06-18 16:02:11 · 16 answers · asked by packerswes4 5

YOU'RE SO SHOCKING...

2007-06-18 15:58:37 · 8 answers · asked by pb b 2

Is it by Limo, helicopter, bicycle, motorcycle, train, car or by walking?

2007-06-18 15:48:44 · 9 answers · asked by cats 7

2007-06-18 15:39:47 · 11 answers · asked by BELINDA B 4

A shoe fly because he has 2 soles.

2007-06-18 15:39:36 · 7 answers · asked by kriend 7

I stick out straight and long
I am full of liquid
I am flexible
What am I

2007-06-18 15:37:37 · 18 answers · asked by topless_linda 1

2007-06-18 15:35:11 · 4 answers · asked by BigFatJoey 1

This is not a hard laughing joke.

The little old couple walked slowly into McDonalds that cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night. Some of the customers looked admiringly at them.

You could tell what the admirers were thinking. "Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked right up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal. The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray. There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

2007-06-18 15:31:52 · 23 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

(a pickpocket snatches watches!!!)

2007-06-18 15:29:39 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

and says to
the bartender: "I'll have a Brandy.......
.................................

.................................
.................................
.................................
.................................
............and coke."
The bartender asks:
"What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno... I've always had them."

2007-06-18 15:26:30 · 5 answers · asked by Conan 3

I was riding the bus home last week, and it was a really hot day, like 95 degrees, so the bus driver let us on early. The air was not on yet, but it was nice for us passengers to at least get out of the sun.

I took a seat near the middle of the bus, and watched the other passengers get on. One of the women I saw was wearing a babydoll top at least three sizes too small, which was not an entirely pleasant sight but wouldn't have been remarkable if it were not for two things. The first: she neglected to wear a bra. I wasn't staring, but it was hard not to notice.

The second: she had a bag of Funyuns stuffed down the front of her shirt. After commanding her son (maybe 7) to sit down behind her, she immediately whipped the bag out of her cleavage and started fanning herself with it. Little flecks of sweat were flying off the bag all over the bus. Her son asked "Mommy, may I please have some Funyuns?" to which she promptly replied "Shut up, chile!". Then, as she continued to fan

2007-06-18 15:24:04 · 9 answers · asked by Rat 7

my older _______ had a girl ______ had a ( hint : you can catch it but you cant throw it ) ____ and could not go to the school ____. get it and get chosen as the best answer

2007-06-18 15:23:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

what goes up, down, left and right and yet doesn't move?

2007-06-18 15:19:56 · 13 answers · asked by whitelighter 2

Do you know why they call it the Wonder Bra?
When you take it off, you wonder where the breasts went.

Do you know the punishment for bigamy?
Two mothers-in-law.

How many men does it take to open a beer?
None. It should be opened by the time she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men?
It's one of those "evolutionary things" that allows them to stand closer to the kitchen sink.

How do you fix a woman's watch?
You don't. There is a clock on the oven.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, whom do you let in first? The dog of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig?
A woman that won't do what she's told.

I married Miss Right, I just didn't know her first name was Always.

I haven't spoken to my wife for 18 months.
I don't like to interrupt her.

What do you call a man who has lost 95% of his intelligence?
Divorced.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's sex drive by 90%. It is called Wedding Cake.

Marriage is a 3-ring circus:
Engagement Ring
Wedding Ring,
Suffering.

Our last fight was my fault. My wife asked me "What's on the TV?" I said, Dust!"

2007-06-18 15:04:15 · 12 answers · asked by Conan 3

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet. " My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him?" " Well, " says the vet, "let's have a look at him." So he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth. Finally, he says "I'm going to have to put him down." "What? Because he's cross-eyed?" " No, because he's really heavy. "

2007-06-18 15:02:44 · 11 answers · asked by mom2-3girls 2

What is it when a man talks dirty to a woman? Harassment. What is it when a woman talks dirty to a man? $3.99 a minute.




What's a blonde's favourite nursery rhyme?
Humpme Dumpme.

What's it called when a woman is paralysed from the waist down?
Marriage.

What's the fastest way to a man's heart?
Through his chest with a sharp knife.

What have women and floor tiles got in common?
If you lay them properly the first time, you can walk all over them for life.

Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring and good-looking? Because those men already have boyfriends.

What is a man's view of safe sex?
A padded headboard.

How do men sort their laundry?
Filthy" and "Filthy but Wearable"

What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog? After a year, the dog is still excited to see you.

What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying? The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of driving.

What do you call a smart blonde? A golden retriever.

Who is the most popular guy at the nudist colony?
The guy who can have a cup of coffee in each hand and still carry a dozen donuts. Who is the most popular woman at the nudist colony?
The woman who ate the last donut.

What is the difference between a battery and a man?
A battery has a positive side.

2007-06-18 14:58:59 · 10 answers · asked by Conan 3

Once there was a little boy who was curious about what a strip club was like so one day he decided to sneak into one. Once he was in, he watched as the strippers danced. He watched until they started taking of their clothing. That's when he bolted out the door and started running down the street and into a man. The man asks the boy, "What's wrong young man? You look like you just saw a ghost!". The little boy replies, "My mommy and daddy told me that if I ever watched anybody undress, I'd turn to stone...and all of a sudden I felt something hard!".

2007-06-18 14:58:45 · 4 answers · asked by whitelighter 2

first one to answer correctly gets 10 points good luck! :)

2007-06-18 14:52:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Late at night this guy runs into a pub and gets a glass of water from the bartender. The guy drinks it in one gulp then asks for a second glass. Six glasses later, and he has recovered enough to speak. "Thanks," he croaks.

"That's one hell of a thirst you've got," says the bartender.

The guy says, "Any man would be as bad if they'd just had sex with the woman in my car. She's insatiable. She wants me to go right back out there and do it all again, but I can't."

"Where's your car?" the landlord asks.

"At the roadside," the guy gasps.

"Tell you what," says the landlord, "you watch the bar for me while I go out and take your place."

"Be my guest, the broad's a nympo. She'll do anybody."

So the bartender goes outside and gets in the car. It's totally dark, so the woman doesn't realize she's with a different man. They get right down to it, humping away. Five minutes later there's a knock on the window. It's a cop and he shines his flashlight on the naked couple.

2007-06-18 14:51:38 · 14 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

How many of you believe in the saying that "A cat always lands on its feet"?

Well folks, my cat just fell off the couch....and she fell onto her back, so HA!

2007-06-18 14:45:10 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Man marries typical good-looking woman
and after the wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when i want , if I want and at what time i want and I don't expect any hassle from you.

I expect a great dinner to be on the table unless I tell you that I won't be home dinner.

"I'll go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when i want with my old buddies and don't want you giving me a hard time about it.

those are my rules! Any comments?"

His new bride says, "No, that's fine with me.
Just understand that there will be se-x here at seven o'clock every night whethere you're here or not.

2007-06-18 14:38:29 · 13 answers · asked by Conan 3

Sherlock Holmes and Dr. Watson goes on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep. Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend.



‘Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”



I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes,” replies Watson.



“And what do you deduce from that?”



Watson ponders for a minute.



“Well, astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo. Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.



“Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow. Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe. What does it tell you, Holmes?”



Holmes is silent for a moment. ‘Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

2007-06-18 14:33:21 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

The Pope, a schoolboy and an unnamed American President are in a plane. Suddenly the pilot suffers a heart attack and the craft takes a nosedive. As the engines sputter, the three passengers try to stay calm.
'Well,' says the Pope, 'we have established that none of us can land this baby, so we're going to have to jump for it.'
'But there are only two parachutes,' says the boy, pointing to a pile of bundles by the exit.
Without hesitating, the American President rushes over to them, takes one and shouts: 'I am the President of the United States of America. I am the world's most powerful leader. And apart from that, I am the most intelligent President in the history of my country. I have a responsibility to my people not to die.'
With that, he leaps out of the plane.
Now the Pope turns calmly to the schoolboy and says: 'I am already old. I have already lived my life as a good person and a priest. There is a place for me in heaven. I insist you take the last parachute.'
'No need,' says the boy, 'America's most intelligent President has taken my schoolbag...'

2007-06-18 14:22:05 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous