Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

before i do. but i must remain a virgin, so it must be a*al and i cant commit adultery so the man must be single, can you fulfil my wish? "yes" says the driver and fulfils her wish. Then feeling guilty the driver says "im sorry i lied, im married with three kids" "thats ok" said the nun i lied too. My name is Kevin and im going to a fancy dress party!!

2007-06-18 22:53:43 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Don was so excited to be going bear hunting. He spotted a small Brown Bear in the woods and shot it. Then there was a tap on his shoulder, he turned around to see a big Black Bear. The Black Bear said, 'Don, you've got two choices, either I maul you to death or we have s-ex.' Don decided to bend over.

Even though he felt sore for two weeks Don soon recovered and vowed revenge. He headed out on another trip where he found the Black Bear and shot it. There was another tap on his shoulder. This time a huge Grizzly Bear was standing right next to him. The Grizzly said, 'That was a huge mistake Don. You've got two choices. Either I maul you to death, or we have rough se-x.' Again, Don thought it was better to comply.

Although he survived, it took several months before Don finally recovered. Outraged he headed back to the woods, managed to track down the Grizzly and shot it. He felt the sweet taste of revenge. But then there was a tap on his shoulder. Don turned round to find a giant Polar Bear standing there.

The Polar Bear said, 'Admit it Don, you don't really come here for the hunting, do you?'

2007-06-18 22:50:18 · 17 answers · asked by Conan 3

The Husband Store

A store that sells new husbands has just opened in New York City, where a woman may go to choose a husband. Among the instructions at the entrance is a description of how the store operates:

You may visit this store ONLY ONCE! There are six floors and the value of the products increase as the shopper ascends the flights. The shopper may choose any item from a particular floor, or may choose to go up to the next floor, but you cannot go back down except to exit the building!

So, a woman goes to the Husband Store to find a husband. On the first floor the sign on the door reads:
Floor 1 - These men Have Jobs. She is intrigued, but continues to the second floor, where the sign reads:
Floor 2 - These men Have Jobs and Love Kids. 'That's nice', she thinks, 'but I want more.' so she continues upward. The third floor sign reads:
Floor 3 - These men have Jobs, Love Kids, and are Extremely Good Looking. 'Wow,' she thinks, but feels compelled to keep going.

2007-06-18 22:44:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

hey this is a weird question lol ok..what if time went backwards like suppose were in 98888 years at the top technology and it starts getting older and older tell humans go through the cave man time lol ..see the past will be the high tech time and the future will be the ollld ancient times lol kinda funny :) so what do you think???

2007-06-18 22:40:56 · 17 answers · asked by RoChEr 5

A girl calls her boyfriend and says,
"Please come over here and help me!! I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get started at all."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's supposed to be a rooster."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle.

She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says, "First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a rooster."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax. Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then.."

he said with a deep sigh, . .


.................................


"Let's put all the Corn Flakes back in the box."

2007-06-18 22:39:25 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

without success. Finally they came up with a foolproof plan. They got themselves a very authentic cow moose costume and learned the mating call of a cow moose.

The plan was to hide in the costume, lure in the bull, then come out of the costume and shoot the bull. So, they set themselves up on the edge of a clearing, in their costume, and began to give the moose love call.

Before too long their call was answered by bull in the forest. They called again, the bull answered closer to them. They called again, The bull answered, and came crashing out of the forest and into the clearing.

As the bull's pounding hoof beats got closer, the guy in front said, "Okay, let's get out and get him."

After a moment, that seemed like an eternity, the guy in the back shouts, "THE ZIPPER IS STUCK, WHAT ARE WE GOING TO DO?"

The guy in the front says, "Well, I'm going to start nibbling grass, but you better start to 'brace' yourself!"

2007-06-18 22:36:30 · 6 answers · asked by Conan 3

A man drinks a shot of whisky every night before bed.

After years of this, his wife wants him to quit; she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whisky.

After getting him to the table that has the glasses, she brings his bait box.

She says, "I want you to see this."

She puts a worm in the water, and it swims around.
She puts a worm in the whisky, and the worm dies immediately.

She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "What do you have to say about this experiment?"





He says, "If I drink whisky, I won't get worms!!!"

2007-06-18 22:34:25 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-18 22:08:13 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

eve was born with two fannys she asked god to take one away. later she asked god what have you done with the usless **** god replied "i have created man!"

2007-06-18 22:07:39 · 15 answers · asked by womble 5

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. Shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, "who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know! The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with gray hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house. He sits in the living room with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: "Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, a beach house, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beach front villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each. However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?" At this point, the father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him: "You DO her again."

2007-06-18 22:00:30 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

1. The darkest hour is just _____.
a. Before the dawn
b. Around the corner
c. A memory
d. None of the above

2. The pen is _____.
a. Out of ink
b. Mightier than the sword
c. Better than a pencil
d. None of the above

3. The proof of the pudding is in the _____.
a. Bowl
b. Refrigerator
c. Eating
d. Sink

4. The way to a man's heart is ______.
a. With money
b. A good joke
c. With a song
d. Through his stomach

5. There are always more fish _____.
a. In the sea
b. At the store
c. In the boat
d. At the diner

6. There's more than one way to _____.
a. Sink a boat
b. Climb a tree
c. Skin a cat
d. Write a letter

7. There's no time like _____.
a. The present
b. Yesterday
c. The weekend
d. High school

8. Those who do not learn from history are doomed to _____.
a. Write about it
b. Face it
c. Repeat it
d. None of the above

9. Too many cooks _____.
a. Make a mess
b. Spoil the broth
c. Fight over the stove
d. Burn the food

10. To err is human, to _____.
a. Repeat is a crime
b. Forgive is divine
c. Know is unkind
d. None of the above

2007-06-18 20:44:08 · 9 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

"A man walks into a bar with a piece of tarmac under his arm. He says to the barman: ‘A pint for me, and one for the road’."

2007-06-18 20:35:14 · 32 answers · asked by Barbara Doll to you 7

1. Where was Jesus born?
a. Nazareth
b. Bethlehem
c. Jerusalem
d. Jericho

2. Why did Joseph take Mary and Baby Jesus to Egypt?
a. To look for work as a carpenter.
b. That was where they lived.
c. To escape from King Herod, who wanted to kill Jesus.
d. To visit Mary's cousin Elizabeth.
e. Joseph got lost.

3. Where did Jesus grow up after returning from Egypt?
a. Nazareth
b. Bethlehem
c. Jericho
d. Jerusalem

4. After His baptism, Jesus fasted for 40 days and was tempted by Satan. Which of these was not one of the temptations?
a. To turn stone into bread to satisfy his hunger.
b. To turn water into wine to satisfy his thirst.
c. To jump off the top of the temple so that angels would save him.
d. To worship Satan in return for all the kingdoms of the world.

5. What was Jesus' first miracle?
a. Healing the lepers
b. Cursing the fig tree
c. Walking on water
d. Feeding 5000 with the loaves and fishes
e. Turning water into wine

6. As Jesus and His disciples were crossing the Sea of Galilee in a boat, a big storm arose. Jesus rebuked the wind and waves and the storm disappeared. What was Jesus doing when the storm arose?
a. Explaining the parables to His disciples
b. Eating a meal
c. Praying
d. Sleeping

7. Jesus miraculously broke just a few loaves of bread and fishes and fed 5000 men, along with women and children. How many loaves and fishes did he start with?
a. 3 loaves and 2 fishes
b. 2 loaves and 3 fishes
c. 5 loaves and 2 fishes
d. 2 loaves and 5 fishes

8. Which disciples were with Jesus at the transfiguration?
a. Andrew, James, and Matthew
b. Peter, James, and John
c. Thomas, Peter, and John
d. Philip, John, and Peter

9. How did Judas identify Jesus as the one to be arrested?
a. He spat in Jesus face.
b. He kissed Jesus.
c. He hit Jesus.
d. He placed a crown of thorns on Jesus' head.
e. He pointed to Jesus and said, "There is the traitor."

10. On Good Friday, Jesus was brought before Pontius Pilate for trial. Why did Pontius Pilate condemn Jesus to death?
a. Jesus had claimed to be king of the Jews.
b. The chief priests had persuaded the crowd to demand his execution.
c. Jesus had spoken out against paying taxes to Caesar.
d. The chief priests had accused Him of blasphemy.

11. What language was most of the New Testament originally written in?
a. English
b. Aramaic
c. Hebrew
d. Greek
e. Latin

2007-06-18 20:33:09 · 18 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

After every flight, Qantas Airline pilots fill out a form called a "gripe sheet" that tells mechanics about problems with the aircraft. The mechanics correct the problems, document their repairs on the form, and then pilots review the gripe sheets before the next flight. Never let it be said that ground crews lack a sense of humor. Here are some maintenance complaints submitted by Qantas' pilots (marked with a P) and the solutions recorded (marked with an S) by maintenance engineers.

By the way, Qantas is the only major airline that has never had an accident.

- - - - - - - - - -

P: Left inside main tire almost needs replacement.


S: Almost replaced left inside main tire.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Test flight OK, except auto-land very rough.


S: Auto-land not installed on this aircraft.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Something loose in cockpit.


S: Something tightened in cockpit.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Dead bugs on windshield.


S: Live bugs on back-order.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Autopilot in altitude-hold mode produces a 200 feet per minute descent.


S: Cannot reproduce problem on ground.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Evidence of leak on right main landing gear.


S: Evidence removed.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: DME volume unbelievably loud.


S: DME volume set to more believable level.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Friction locks cause throttle levers to stick.


S: That's what they're for.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: IFF inoperative.


S: IFF always inoperative in OFF mode.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Suspected crack in windshield.


S: Suspect you're right.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Number 3 engine missing.


S: Engine found on right wing after brief search.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Aircraft handles funny.


S: Aircraft warned to straighten up, fly right, and be serious.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Target radar hums.


S: Reprogrammed target radar with lyrics.


- - - - - - - - - -

P: Mouse in cockpit.


S: Cat installed.


- - - - - - - - - -

And the best one for last..................


P: Noise coming from under instrument panel. Sounds like a midget pounding on something with a hammer.


- - - - - - - - - -

S: Took hammer away from midget.

2007-06-18 20:05:24 · 3 answers · asked by Coris 2

the seven dwarves were in a bath. they were all feeling happy. happy got out

2007-06-18 19:34:25 · 24 answers · asked by simms 2

A big city corporate lawyer runs a stop sign in a small town in Tennessee, and gets pulled over by a sheriff's deputy.
He thinks that he is smarter than this hick town deputy because he is a lawyer and is certain that he has a better education. He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the deputy's expense.
Deputy says, "License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What for?"
Deputy says, "Y'all didn't come to a complete stop at the stop sign."
Lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."
Deputy says, "You still didn't come to a complete stop. License and registration, please."
Lawyer says, "What's the difference?"
Deputy says, "The difference is, y'all have to come to complete stop, that's the law. License and registration, please!"
Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket."
Deputy says, "Sounds fair. Exit your vehicle, sir."
At this point, the deputy takes out his nightstick and starts beating the ever-loving crap out of the lawyer and says, "Do y'all want me to stop or just slow down?"

2007-06-18 19:32:19 · 11 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

Because they'll break it!

2007-06-18 19:27:47 · 3 answers · asked by samail91 2

1. How Do You Catch a Unique Rabbit?
Unique Up On It.
2. How Do You Catch a Tame Rabbit?
Tame Way, Unique Up On It.
3. How Do Crazy People Go Through The Forest?
They Take The Psycho Path
4. How Do You Get Holy Water?
You Boil The Hell Out Of It.
5. What Do Fish Say When They Hit a Concrete Wall?
Dam!
6. What Do Eskimos Get From Sitting On The Ice too
Long?
Polaroids
7. What Do You Call a Boomerang That Doesn't work?
A Stick
8. What Do You Call Cheese That Isn't Yours?
Nacho Cheese.
9.. What Do You Call Santa's Helpers?
Subordinate Clauses.
10. What Do You Call Four Bullfighters In Quicksand?
Quattro Sinko..
11. What Do You Get From a Pampered Cow?
Spoiled Milk.
12. What Do You Get When You Cross a Snowman With a
Vampire?
Frostbite.
13.! What Lies At The Bottom Of The Ocean And
Twitches?
A Nervous Wreck.
14. What's The Difference Between Roast Beef And Pea
Soup?
Anyone Can Roast Beef.
15. Where Do You Find a Dog With No Legs?
Right Where You Left Him.
16. Why Do Gorillas Have Big Nostrils?
Because They Have Big Fingers.
17. Why Don't Blind People Like To Sky Dive?
Because It Scares The Dog.
18. What Kind Of Coffee Was Served On The Titanic?
Sanka.
19. What Is The Difference Between a Harley And a
Hoover?
The Location Of The Dirt Bag.
20. Why Did Pilgrims' Pants Always Fall Down?
Because They Wore Their Belt Buckle On Their Hat.
21. What's The Difference Between a Bad Golfer And a
Bad Skydiver?
A Bad Golfer Goes, Whack, Dang!
A Bad Skydiver Goes Dang! Whack.
22. How Are a Texas Tornado And a Tennessee Divorce
The Same?
Somebody's Gonna Lose A Trailer
Now, admit it. At least one of these made you smile

2007-06-18 19:16:05 · 25 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

Lawyers should never ask a witness a question if they are not prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small town prosecuting attorney called this first witness, a grandmotherly, elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes I do know you. Mr. Williams. I have known you since you were a young boy, and frankly, you have been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you are a big shot when you haven't got the brains to realize you never will amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you. "The lawyer was stunned! Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I have known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. He is lazy, bigoted, and has a drinking problem. He cannot build a normal relationship with anyone and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him. "The defense attorney almost died. The judge asked both counselors to approach the bench, and in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you bastards asks her if she knows me, I'll throw your sorry butts in jail for contempt."

2007-06-18 19:05:15 · 12 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

There was a guy sunbathing in the nude on the beach. He saw a little girl coming toward him, so he covered himself with the newspaper he was reading. The girl came up to him and asked, "what do you have under the newspaper? "Thinking quickly, the guy replied, "A bird." The girl walked away, and the guy fell asleep. When he woke up, he was in the hospital in tremendous pain. The police asked him what happened. The guy says, "I don't know. I was lying on the beach, this little girl asked me a question, I guess I dozed off and the next thing I know is I'm here "The police went to the beach, found the little girl, and asked her "What did you do to that naked fellow? "After a pause, the girl replied, "To him? Nothing. I was playing with his bird and it spit on me. So, I broke its neck, cracked its eggs, and set its nest on fire

2007-06-18 18:56:35 · 16 answers · asked by Tellerofawesomejokes 3

A brunette is walking through the country, when she finds a bottle. She rubs it and, you guessed it, a genie appears.

The genie says, "You are allowed three wishes. But, I must warn you, anything you get, all the blondes in the world get twice as much."

The woman says, "Okay. Give me a nice house."

The genie replies, "You now have one nice house and all the blondes in the world have two."

The the lady says, "Give me a gorgeous man."

The genie replies, "You now have one gorgeous man, while all the blondes have two."

The lady says, "For my last wish, Genie, see that stick over there? Beat me half to death with it."

2007-06-18 18:43:29 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-18 18:26:22 · 21 answers · asked by Conan 3

Little Johnny rushes home from school. He invades the fridge and is scooping out some cherry vanilla ice cream when his mother enters the kitchen.

She says, "Put that away Johnny. You can't have ice cream now. It's too close to supper time. Go outside and play."

Little Johnny whimpers and says, "There's no one to play with."
Trying to placate him, she says, "Okay, I'll play with you. What do you want to play?"

He says, "I wanna play Mommy and Daddy."

Trying not to register surprise, and to further appease him, she says, "Fine, I'll play. What do I do?"

Little Johnny says, "You go up to the bedroom and lie down."
Figuring that she can easily control the situation, Mom goes upstairs.

Little Johnny, feeling a bit cocky, swaggers down the hall and opens the utility closet. He dons his fathers' old fishing hat. As he starts up the stairs he notices a cigarette butt in the ashtray on the end table. He picks it up and slips it in the corner of his mouth. At the top of the stairs he moves to the bedroom doorway.
His mother raises up and says,

"What do I do now?"

In a gruff manner, Little Johnny says, "Get downstairs and get that kid some ice cream!"

2007-06-18 18:23:16 · 10 answers · asked by Dave T 1

She telephoned the cops at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio, and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on the leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight at the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting her face in her hands, she moaned, " I come home to find all my ppossesions stolen. I call the police for help, and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman."

2007-06-18 18:22:57 · 8 answers · asked by auburn_countrygrl 2

A Robber FLY.

2007-06-18 18:22:06 · 6 answers · asked by kriend 7

Wht u want u donnot get(love)
Wht u get u donnot enjoy(marriage)
wht u njoy is not permanent (gf)
Wht is permanent is boring(wife)

2007-06-18 18:13:32 · 3 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

Because Timothy was drinking from Paul's bottle. I hope the religious among us are not offended.

2007-06-18 17:40:44 · 5 answers · asked by sokrates 4

A very well-dressed and dignified lawyer called a plumber to fix his flooded bathroom. When the plumber arrived, he was carrying an extra set of overalls. The dapper, impeccably groomed and expensively dressed lawyer smirked in a condescending way and said: "Do you usually need a change of OVERALLS?!"
The plumber just smiled. When he was done the plumber gave him the bill, and told him he had to get some more equipment from his truck. He explained that he needed a new assistant because of all the work and was short-handed.

When the plumber returned, he entered the lawyer's office and there in the garbage can were the lawyer's mirror-polished Brooks Brothers captoe shoes, with the black silk socks socks rolled up and tucked neatly inside.

On the floor was the hand-tailored $2,000 Armani pinstriped business suit the lawyer had been wearing, as well as the natty Hermes silk tie, monogrammed gold cufflinks, starched white shirt, silver tiepin and Rolex. His law degree and briefcase were also piled up next to them.

The plumber went in and there was the lawyer in overalls, lying under the sink with his bare feet sticking out. The lawyer looked out, with sweat streaming down his hundred dollar haircut. He pointed at the bill and said "You found your assistant."

2007-06-18 17:38:29 · 13 answers · asked by Sir $liq Rick 5

I'm wiped out...

2007-06-18 17:09:33 · 13 answers · asked by samail91 2

Does your zoo have it?

2007-06-18 16:47:12 · 9 answers · asked by eladshefer 3