Does anyone have any good jokes?

Answer 1

Haylee's jokes are great. I'll see if I can beat her. I have 5, long, but good ones:

Joke 1:
A teacher was getting late for school. She had to go through a red signal. She was caught by the traffic police. Since it was a big traffic junction and could've becom a big deal, she was taken to court. When the judge heard her explanation, he said:

"You're a teacher, are you? I've been waiting for you for a very long time. Write 'I will not go through a red signal' 1000 times"



Joke 2:
God strolls to the gates of heaven to talk to St. Peter. He says "Peter, you look tired, why don’t you take a vacation, kick it in the Caribbean for a week or two, and I’ll watch the gates." So, St. Peter goes on vacation.

An engineer comes to the gates, God takes a look at him, and says, "You’re in the wrong place." So he turns around, feeling quite rejected, and goes down the escalator to the gates of hell. There the devil greets him with open arms. After about a week, the engineer decides hell is just too hot and uncomfortable, so he talks to the devil and arranges to have water piped in, air conditioning installed, and swimming pools built. So after a month of construction, hell is getting to be a nice tropical place to be.

God calls the devil and asks, "So, how are things down there, pretty hot, huh?"

And the devil replies," No, actually it’s pretty nice. We have an engineer down here who helped us pipe in some water and air condition the place."

God says, "No, wait, that’s a mistake, the engineer was supposed to be up here."

The devil says, "Too bad, were keeping him."

God is angry: "I want that engineer, I’m going to sue."

The devil smiles his most confident smile and says, "Yeah? Where are YOU going to get a lawyer???"



Joke 3:
Three lawyers and three engineers are traveling by train to a conference. At the station, the three lawyers each buy tickets and watch as the three engineers buy only a single ticket.

"How are three people going to travel on only one ticket?" asks one of the three lawyers.

"Watch and you'll see," answers one of the engineers.

They all board the train. The lawyers take their respective seats but all three engineers cram into a restroom and close the door behind them. Shortly after the train has departed, the conductor comes around collecting tickets.

He knocks on the restroom door and says, "Ticket, please." The door opens just a crack and a single arm emerges with a ticket in hand. The conductor takes it and moves on.

The lawyers saw this and agreed it was quite a clever idea. So after the conference, the lawyers decide to copy the engineers on the return trip and save some money. When they get to the station, they buy a single ticket for the return trip. To their astonishment, the engineers don't buy a ticket at all.

"How are you going to travel without a ticket," asks one perplexed lawyer.

"Watch and you'll see," says one of the engineers.

When they board the train, the three lawyers cram into a restroom and the three engineers cram into another one nearby. The train departs.

Shortly afterward, one of the engineers leaves his restroom and walks over to the restroom where the lawyers are hiding. He knocks on the door and says, "Ticket, please."



Joke 4:
I said, "Officer, I'm speeding because I'm taking my mom to the hospital. She overdosed on reducing pills."

He said, "I don't see any woman in the car with you."

I said, "I'm too late."




Joke 5:
Dentist begging the patient: "Could you help me? Could you give out a few of your loudest, most painful screams?"

Patient: "Why? Doc, it isn't all that bad this time."

Dentist: "There are so many people in the waiting room right now and I don't want to miss the 4 o'clock ball game."

Answer 2

HERE ARE MY 3 FAVOURITES

1.
When NASA first started sending up astronauts, they quickly discovered that ballpoint pens would not work in zero gravity. To combat the problem, NASA scientists spent a decade and $12 billion to develop a pen that writes in zero gravity, upside down, underwater, on almost any surface including glass and at temperatures ranging from below freezing to 300°C.

The Russians used a pencil.



2.
A man and a friend are playing golf one day at their local golf course. One of the guys is about to chip onto the green when he sees a long funeral procession on the road next to the course. He stops in mid-swing, takes off his golf cap, closes his eyes, and bows down in prayer.

His friend says: “Wow, that is the most thoughtful and touching thing I have ever seen. You truly are a kind man.”

The man then replies: “Yeah, well we were married 35 years.”




3.
Sherlock Holmes and Dr Watson go on a camping trip. After a good dinner and a bottle of wine, they retire for the night, and go to sleep.

Some hours later, Holmes wakes up and nudges his faithful friend. “Watson, look up at the sky and tell me what you see.”

“I see millions and millions of stars, Holmes” replies Watson.

“And what do you deduce from that?”

Watson ponders for a minute. “Well,

Astronomically, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets.

Astrologically, I observe that Saturn is in Leo.

Horologically, I deduce that the time is approximately a quarter past three.

Meteorologically, I suspect that we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.

Theologically, I can see that God is all powerful, and that we are a small and insignificant part of the universe.


But what does it tell you, Holmes?”

Holmes is silent for a moment.

“Watson, you idiot!” he says. “Someone has stolen our tent!”

Answer 3

The big game hunter walked in the bar and bragged to everyone about his hunting skills. The man was undoubtedly a good shot and no one could dispute that. But then he said that they could blindfold him and he would recognize any animal's skin from its feel, and if he could locate the bullet hole he would even tell them what caliber the bullet was that killed the animal. The hunter said that he was willing to prove it if they would put up the drinks, and so the bet was on. They blindfolded him carefully and took him to his first animal skin. After feeling it for a few moments, he announced "Bear." Then he felt the bullet hole and declared, "Shot with a .308.rifle." He was right they brought him another skin, one that someone had in their car trunk. He took a bit longer this time and then said, "Elk, Shot with a 7mm Mag rifle. He was right again. Through the night, he proved his skills again and again, every time against a round of drinks. Finally he staggered home, drunk out of his mind, and went to sleep. The next morning he got up and saw in the mirror that he had one hell of a shiner. He said to his wife, "I know I was drunk last night, but not drunk enough to get in a fight and not remember it. Where did I get this black eye?" His wife angrily replied, "I gave it to you. You got into bed and put your hand down my panties. Then you fiddled around a bit and loudly announced, "Skunk, killed with an axe."

Answer 4

A married man was having an affair with his secretary.
One day they went to her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.
The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt.
He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.
"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary.
We had sex all afternoon."
She looked down at his shoes and said:
"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

PS. Princess have you heard the one about the two young lovers lying in their van at the drive in?, They started making out and after a while things started heating up.
The girl said "whip me" so the boyfriend grabbed the arial from the van and started whipping her.
The next day she went to the doctor to get the marks seen to. and the doctor said... " thats the worst case of van arial disease i have ever seen!"

Answer 5

A GUY GOES IN A BAR AND SAYS GIVE ME 5 SHOTS OF TEQULIA BARTENDER LINES THEM UP AND 1 AFTER ANOTHER THE GUY DOWNS THEM THE BARTENDER ASKS WHY THE 5 SHOTS AND THE MAN SAYS HES CELEBRATING HIS FIRST B L O W J O B AND THE BARTENDER SAYS CONGRAGULATIONS LET ME BUY YOU ANOTHER SHOT AND THE GUY SAID NAH IF 5 DIDNT KILL THE TASTE THE SIXTH WOULDNT HELP EITHER

Answer 6

haha nicely stable i've got been given a intercourse comedian tale for you desire you like it :) on listening to that her grandad had merely died kate went and visited her nan to convenience her whilst she asked how he died her nan replyed by utilizing sayin that he had had a coronary heart attack whilst makin love 2 her kate suggested that it became stupid that 2 previous human beings the place havin intercourse because it became askin for difficulty her nan replyed by utilizing sayin that they used to do it to the gradual %. of the church bells because it became merely the desirable velocity she then wiped a tear from her eye and carryed on by utilizing sayin''if that dahmed ice cream van hadnt come alongside he could nonetheless be alive immediately'' :) xxx

Answer 7

Yes. Yes I do. It is as follows....

Q-Why did the chicken cross the road?

A-Because he wanted to get to the other side!

You will definetly get lots of laughs if you crack this joke in a random conversation!

Believe me, I know!

Answer 8

How about this: "Why did the chicken lay eggs?"
Because if she drops them, they'll break.

Answer 9

lmao jimbo that was a good one

Answer 10

My bird has a canarial disease, I think it is chirpies, do you think it is tweetable?☺