Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

This is for the blonde psycho B***** that keeps saying mean stuff about brunettes!

Q: Why can't blondes get any of the good guys?

A: Because they're all married to brunettes!

and just so you know, my b/f loves brunettes! And I wash my hair

2007-06-17 15:20:36 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

My husband, not happy with my mood swings, bought
me a mood ring the other day so he would be able to
monitor my moods. When I'm in a good mood, it turns
green. When I'm in a bad mood, it leaves a big red
mark on his forehead.

Maybe next time he'll get smart and buy me
diamonds.

2007-06-17 15:03:09 · 11 answers · asked by old man 4

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying and he calls his grandson to his bed. "Lissin-a me. I wanna for you to taka my chrome plated 38 revolver so you will always remember me."
"But grandpa, I really doan-a lika guns. Howzabout you leava me your Rolex watch instead?"
"Shuddup an lissin. Somma day you gonna runna da-business. You gonna have a beautifula wife, lotsa money, a biga home and maybe a couple a bambinos. Somma day you gonna comma home and maybe find you wife inna bed with another man. Whadda you gonna do then... Pointa to you watch and say, "Times up"?"

2007-06-17 14:52:39 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-17 14:45:47 · 10 answers · asked by rosey 7

((((RING)))) (((RING)))

**Pick Up**

"Hello?"

"Hi honey, this is Daddy, Is Mommy near the phone?"

"No Daddy, She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Frank."

After a brief pause, Daddy says, "But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Frank."

"Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy, right now"

Brief Pause...

"Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do. Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs and knock on the bedroom door, and shout to Mommy that Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway."

"Okay Daddy, just a minute."

A few minutes later, the little girl comes back to the phone.

"I did it Daddy."

"And what happened honey?" he asked.

"Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming. Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser and now she isn't moving at all!"

"Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Frank?"

2007-06-17 14:44:23 · 13 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Can u find the B(there are 2B's)? DON"T skip or ur wish wont come true...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRBRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...
RRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR...


Once youve found the b


Find The Mistake.

ABCDEFGHIJKLMNOPQRSTUVWUXYZ


Once Youve Found The Mistake


Find the 1

IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII...
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I
IIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIII... I


Once you found the 1..............


Find the 6

999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999969999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...
999999999999999999999999999999...


once youve found the 6...


Find the N (it's hard!!)

MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMNMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM
MMMMMMMMMMMMM


once you've found the N...


Find the Q...

OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOQOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOOOO
OOOOOOOO


make 2 wishes!


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OK, NOW THAT U MADE A WiSH, IT WILL COME TRUE.....ALL U HAVE 2 DO IS REPOST SAYING test ur eyes

2007-06-17 13:55:57 · 13 answers · asked by me 3

So this guy is in line at the supermarket and a really
hot, buxom blonde is behind him.

When he looks back, she's smiling and waving.

He can't believe she's waving to him, but he looks
around and other than the lady in front of him
talking vigorously to the checker, he's the only one
in line.

He turns again and again she smiles and waves.

So he asks, "Do I know you from somewhere?"

She says, "Well, I think you might be the father of
one of my kids."

The guy immediately goes cold and thinks back to the
one and only time he's ever been with anyone other
than his wife.

"Wait a minute. Are you the stripper from my bachelor
party that I nailed on the pool table while your
girlfriend slapped me and stuck a cucumber in my butt?"

After a few seconds of hesitation , she says, "No,
I'm your son's kindergarten teacher

2007-06-17 13:43:58 · 13 answers · asked by old man 4

A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed.

He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair, while tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then gets up and goes into the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells his wife:

"Listen, this guy's an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman in years. I saw how he kissed your neck." If he wants sex, don't resist, don't complain, do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you. This guy is probably very dangerous. If he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be strong, honey. I love you."

To which his wife responds: "He wasn't kissing my neck. He was whispering in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked me if we had any vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom. Be strong honey. I love you too!!"

2007-06-17 13:42:10 · 30 answers · asked by birdman3169 1

Whats black and sits at the top of stairs?

Christopher Reeve in a house fire.

2007-06-17 13:36:50 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

This guy was walking down the street and this hooker says, "Say, wanna have a good time?" "Sure," he says and they were off to the nearest motel.

She takes off her clothes and he keeps staring at her. She says, "Is this the first *ussy you seen since you crawled out of one?" The guy says,

"Nope, just the first one I've seen big enough to crawl back into."

2007-06-17 13:30:12 · 6 answers · asked by Jassierra 3

I am a member of a group that reenacts the Civil War, serving in the artillery. As a mounted unit, we have several horses, and they always get a lot of attention from the public. On Memorial Day, a self-appointed animal-rights- type came over to our "Master of Horse" and started proclaiming:

"Listen here! I was raised around horses, I know horses, and you are mistreating that one there! That horse is obviously pregnant, and should not be forced to pull loads."

About that time, the horse (a gelded male) elected to urinate.

One of the guys in the unit, who had heard the woman's tirade, called out, "My god! Its water's broke, and there's a leg coming out!"

The woman left quickly and quietly.

2007-06-17 13:25:19 · 11 answers · asked by sniffels323 5

What did George Washington say before the men got on the boats?




























































































Men Get on the boats!


I know it's cheesy, that's the point!

2007-06-17 13:25:13 · 15 answers · asked by sunshinebaby 3

can't feel until you give it away. Right ?
So here is a Big hug for each and everyone of you.
Be sure to give it to someone OK

shhhh! Goodnight

2007-06-17 13:25:03 · 9 answers · asked by asmikeocsit 7

3 men are sentenced to be shot. One with brown hair, one with black hair, and one with blonde hair. The cop puts the brown haired one up against the wall. Right when he pulls out the gun, the browh hair shouts, "Tornado!!" and the cop runs and hides, while the brown hair runs away. Now the black hair is up, and the cop pulls out the gun and the black hair shouts, "Hurricane!" and the cop does the same thing as before, while the black hair runs away. Now the blonde hair is put against the wall, and the cop pulls out his gun and shouts, "Ready, Aim" and the blonde hair shouts "FIRE!!!!!"

2007-06-17 13:08:20 · 16 answers · asked by Hoffman 5

She looks around embarrassed and sees the salesman standing right behind her. Totally professional he says" good day madam, how may I help you?" Hoping may be he didn't hear her "accident", she asks, " Sir what's the price of this lovely ring?" He answers, " Madam, if you farted just looking at it, you are going to sh!t yourself when I tell you the price."

2007-06-17 12:45:28 · 21 answers · asked by barnowl 4

There are three people who are getting whipped for a crime all three committed - an English man, a french man and an irish man. The judge grants them a request each - they cannot however, get out of being whipped. The English man said - ok can you oil the whip up - so he gets whipped. The french man said - can you put a coat on me - and then he gets whipped. The irish man says - can you put the english man on my back - then he gets whipped lol.

2007-06-17 12:39:35 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

In the hospital the relatives gathered, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."
The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.
A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so expensive. And the female brain so cheap?.
Well the Female brain has been used.

2007-06-17 12:32:47 · 23 answers · asked by raybbies 5

He orders a drink and while he's drinking it the monkey is running wild. The monkey jumps up on the pool table and grabs the cue ball, sticks it in his mouth and swallows it whole. The bartender is livid and says to the guy, "Did you see what your monkey just did?". "No. What did that stupid schitt do this time?", says the patron. "Well, he just swallowed the cue ball off the pool table, whole", says the bartender. "Yeah, well I hope it kills the little ****** because he's been driving me nuts", says the patron. The guy finishes his drink and leaves.
Two weeks later he comes back in with the monkey. He orders a drink and the monkey starts running wild around the bar again. While the man is drinking his drink, the monkey finds a grape on the bar. He grabs the grape, sticks it up his ass, then pulls it out and eats it. The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did now?", he asks. "What now?", responds the patron. "Well, he stuck a grape up his ass, then pulled it out and ate it", says the barkeeper.
"Well, what did you expect?", replied the patron. "Ever since he ate that damn cue ball he measures everything first!"

2007-06-17 12:28:27 · 8 answers · asked by Conan 3

and says to
the bartender: "I'll have a Brandy.......
.........................................

.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
.........................................
............and coke."
The bartender asks:
"What's with the big pause?"
The bear responds: "I dunno... I've always had them."

2007-06-17 12:17:16 · 23 answers · asked by Conan 3

a riddle

2007-06-17 12:14:24 · 26 answers · asked by mrosen614 1

man. "Get over it mate," I said. "It's not the end of the world."

"It's all right for you to say," answered my mate. "But what if you came home one night and caught another man in bed with your wife?"

I thought for a moment, then said, "I'd break his cane and kick his seeing-eye dog in the ass."

2007-06-17 12:05:50 · 4 answers · asked by Conan 3

wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose, still heavily sedated from a difficult four hour, surgical procedure. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath
Nurse", he mumbles, from behind the mask. "Are my testicles black?"

Embarrassed, the young nurse replies "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet."

He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, are my testicles black?"

Concerned that he may elevate his vitals from worry about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and sheepishly pulls back the covers.

She raises his gown, holds his penis in one hand and his testicles in the other, lifting and moving them around.

Then, she takes a close look and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir!!"

The man pulls off his oxygen mask, smiles at her and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful, but listen very, very closely......

A r e - m y - t e s t - r e s u l t s - b a c k ?

2007-06-17 12:04:04 · 16 answers · asked by Conan 3

If Cat Stevens married Snoop Doggy Dog, he'd be Cat Doggy Dog

If Olivia Newton John married Wayne Newton then divorced him and married Elton John she'd be Olivia Newton John Newton John

If Sondra Locke married Elliot Ness, then divorced him to marry Herman Munster she'd be Sondra Locke Ness Munster.

If Bea Arthur married Sting she'd be Bea Sting

If Tuesday Weld married Hal March III, she'd be Tuesday March 3

2007-06-17 11:57:03 · 21 answers · asked by Milking maid 5

After having dug to a depth of 10 meters last year, Italian scientistsfound traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to theconclusion that their ancestors already had a telephone network morethan 100 years ago. Not to be outdone by the Italians, in the weeks that followed, Turkishscientists dug to a depth of 20 meters. Shortly thereafter, headlines inTurkish newspaper read: "Turkish archaeologists have found traces of 200year old copper wire, and have concluded that their ancestors alreadyhad an advanced high-tech communications network one hundred yearsearlier than the Italians". One week later, "The Kathimerni", a Greek newspaper, reported thefollowing: "After digging as deep as 30 meters in fields near Athens,Petros Petropoulos, a self-taught archeologist, reported that he foundabsolutely nothing. Petros has therefore concluded that 300-years ago,Greeks were already using wireless". Yassou, Petros!

2007-06-17 11:34:48 · 3 answers · asked by Conan 3

A husband and wife go to a costume party dressed as a cow,(husband front and the wife back)and had a great time.when they were gonna get spare clothes,thier car was stolen!Husband:someone stole our car and has our clothes in there!oh well i know a shortcut home.soo they went across a field and they saw a bull heading right toward them.Wife:oh no a bull is coming right at us!what should we do!Husband:i'll pretend to eat grass,you better brace yourself.

2007-06-17 11:22:47 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

touring the clubs and one night he's doing a
show in a small town .

With his dummy on his knee, he starts going through his usual dumb
non blonde jokes when a non blonde woman in the 4th row stands on her chair and
starts shouting:

"I've heard enough of your stupid non blonde jokes. What makes you think you
can stereotype women that way? What does the colour of a person's hair
have to do with her worth as a human being? It's guys like you who keep
women like me from being respected at work and in the community and from
reaching our full potential as a person. It's all because you and your
kind continue to perpetuate discrimination against not only blondes, but
women in general and all in the name of humour!"

The embarrassed ventriloquist begins to apologise, when the blonde yells
at him,

"You stay out of this mister! I'm talking to that little schitt on your
knee."

2007-06-17 11:16:24 · 5 answers · asked by Conan 3

through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave. Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, "Ah, yes, that's Beethoven's Ninth Symphony, being played backwards."

He listened a while longer, and said, "There's the Eighth Symphony, and it's backwards, too. Most puzzling." So the magistrate kept listening; "There's the Seventh... the Sixth... the Fifth..."

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, "My fellow citizens, there's nothing to worry about. It's just Beethoven decomposing."

2007-06-17 11:14:35 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, so a whore walks up to a guys car and says,
"hey honey, needa get laid?" The man says
"yea jump in.
They had sex for a while. Then after the girl is dressed the man, naked, comes out with a gun.
"TIME TO DIE!!!!!!!!"
"wait says the whore, if i can give you a great time, will you spare me?
"fine" he says.
then the two go to a pier where they find an elevator shaft open with no elevator, the whore quickly throws the man, still naked, down the shaft. BUT WHY?????????????????

























She wanted to see the man go down for a change.

2007-06-17 11:11:50 · 5 answers · asked by Grilled cheese lover 2

How's your Boom Chicka Wah Wah??

2007-06-17 11:03:42 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-17 11:00:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous