Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

If laughter is the best medicine why do people hate to get tickled?

2007-06-22 04:42:06 · 6 answers · asked by eladshefer 3

A blonde and a genuis where on a plane the genuis kept asking the girl to play a game with him she said no im really tired he kept bugging her so she said ok. he said if i dont no the answer i will give u $500 but if i u dont no u give me $5. He asked her a series of question and she pulled out a series of fives.So she asked him a question and said what goes up a hill with 2 legs and comes down with one so he did research for hours trying to find the answer he woke her up and said he didnt no and gave her $500 she wen back to sleep while he was STILL trying to find the answer so he woke her up again and asked her and she pulled out another five and gave it 2 him






Not all blondes are stupid

2007-06-22 04:39:43 · 12 answers · asked by jay234 2

A new pastor moved into town and went out one Saturday to visit his community.
All went well until he came to one house. It was obvious that someone was home,
but no one came to the door even after he knocked several times. Finally, he
took out his card, wrote on the back "Revelation 3:20" and stuck it in the door.
The next day, as he was counting the offering he found his card in the
collection plate. Below his message was a notation "Genesis 3:10." Upon opening
his Bible to the passage he let out a roar of laughter.
Revelation 3:20 reads: (Pastors note) "Behold, I stand at the door and knock.
If any man hears my voice, and opens the door, I will come into him, and will
dine with him, and he with me."
Genesis 3:10 reads: "And he said, I heard thy voice in the garden, and I was
afraid, because I was naked."

2007-06-22 04:38:22 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, let's start.....
What color is the sky?
What color is grass?
What was the first question I asked you? answer plz!

2007-06-22 04:36:38 · 54 answers · asked by Chocolate for The Soul 5

The population of this country is 300 million.
160 million are retired.
That leaves 140 million to do the work.
There are 85 million in school.
Which leaves 55 million to do the work.
Of this there are 35 million employed by the federal government.
Leaving 15 million to do the work.
2.8 million are in the armed forces
Which leaves 12.2 million to do the work.
Take from that total the 10.8 million people who work for state and city governments.
And that leaves 1.4 million to do the work.
At any given time there are 188,000 people in hospitals.
Leaving 1,212,000 to do the work.
Now, there are 1,211,998 people in prisons.
That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me

And there you are,

sitting on your ***,

at your computer, reading jokes.

Nice. Real nice

2007-06-22 04:29:57 · 20 answers · asked by Arisa 1

inside the room,there were no ladders,nothing . the ceiling was 15ft high,all there was was a pool of water covering the floor. how did the guy manage to hang himself?


oldie but goodie?

2007-06-22 04:14:26 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Butt Measurements


A man and his wife were working in their garden one day and the man


looks over at his wife and says: "Your butt is getting really big, I


mean really big. I bet your butt is bigger than the barbecue."


With that he proceeded to get a measuring tape and measure the grill


and then went over to where his wife was working and measured his


wife's


bottom.


"Yes, I was right; your butt is two inches wider than the


barbecue!!!" The woman chose to ignore her husband.


Later that night in bed, the husband is feeling a little frisky. He


makes


some advances towards his wife


who completely brushes him off. "What's wrong?" he asks. ............


She answers: "Do you really think I'm going to fire up this big-***


grill


for one little weenie?

2007-06-22 04:07:17 · 7 answers · asked by ♥RaCheL♥ 6

The Blue Pigeon



The mayor of San Antonio was very worried about a plague of pigeons in SA.

The mayor could not remove the pigeons from the city. All
of San Antonio was full of pigeon poop. The people of SA couldn't walk
on the sidewalks or drive on the roads. It was costing a fortune to try
to keep the streets and sidewalks clean.

One day a man came to City Hall and offered the Mayor a
proposition. "I can rid your beautiful city of its plague of pigeons
without cost to the city. But, you must promise not to ask me any
questions. Or, you can pay me five million dollars and ask one
question." The mayor considered the offer briefly and accepted the free
proposition.

The next day the man climbed to the top of City Hall,
opened his coat, and released a blue pigeon. The blue pigeon circled in
the air and flew up into the bright blue Texas sky. All the pigeons in
San Antonio saw the blue pigeon. They gathered up behind the blue pigeon.
The San Antonio pigeons followed the blue pigeon as she flew southward and
out of the city.

The next day the blue pigeon returned completely alone to
the man atop City Hall. The Mayor was very impressed. He thought the man
and the blue pigeon had performed a wonderful miraculous feat to rid
SA of the plague of pigeons.

Even though the man with the pigeon had charged nothing,
the mayor presented him with a check for 5 million dollars and told the
man that, indeed, he did have a question to ask and even though they had
agreed to no fee and the man had rid the city of pigeons, he decided to
pay the 5 million just to get to ask ONE question.

The man accepted the money and told the mayor to ask his
question.

The mayor asked: "Do you have a blue Mexican?"

2007-06-22 03:51:51 · 10 answers · asked by mbucket 3

A blonde calls her boyfriend and says, "Please come over here and help me.
I have a killer jigsaw puzzle, and I can't figure out how to get it started."

Her boyfriend asks, "What is it supposed to be when it's finished?"

The blonde says, "According to the picture on the box, it's a tiger."

Her boyfriend decides to go over and help with the puzzle. She lets him in and shows him where she has the puzzle spread all over the table.

He studies the pieces for a moment, then looks at the box, then turns to her and says,

"First of all, no matter what we do, we're not going to be able to assemble these pieces into anything resembling a tiger."

He takes her hand and says, "Second, I want you to relax"

"Let's have a nice cup of tea, and then"

He sighed.........

"Let's put all the Frosties back in the box."

2007-06-22 03:42:28 · 23 answers · asked by broomstone 2

A cowboy walked into a barber shop, sat on the barber's chair and said, "I'll
have a shave and a shoe shine." The barber began to lather his face and sharpen
the old straight edge while a woman with the biggest, firmest, most beautiful
breasts that he had ever seen knelt down and began to shine his shoes.
The cowboy said, "Young lady, you and I should go and spend some time in a
hotel room."

She replied, "I'm married and my husband wouldn't like that.

The cowboy said, "Tell him you're working overtime and I'll pay you the
difference."
She said, "You tell him. He is the one shaving you."

2007-06-22 03:24:54 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are three words in the English language that end in "gry". ONE is angry and the other is hungry. EveryONE knows what the third ONE means and what it stands for. EveryONE uses them everyday, and if you listened very carefully, I've given you the third word. What is it? _______gry?

2007-06-22 03:19:36 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

One of them was the pilot (of course), a young teenager, the President of the United States, the President of India, and the President of Africa.

So they are all carrying on their normal business when all of a sudden the plane starts going down. The pilot yells, "we only got three parachutes, you guys take them."

So, the President of Africa grabs his pack and jumps out, opening his shoot in the process.

Next, the President of India grabs his pack and jumps out, opening his shoot.

Finally the President of the US grabs his pack, and jumps out.

The teenage boy starts laughing, so the pilot says "What are you laughing at?" He says, the President just grabbed my backpack.

2007-06-22 03:19:07 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man boards a plane in New York to fly to California. He finds himself next to an attractive and elegant woman who is busy reading a large document. He decides to strike up conversation.

"Hi" he says. "That file should keep you busy for a while".

She smiles and replies "Yes, I'm an anthropologist and this is my Master's thesis on the sexual behaviour of American men".

He looks impressed and asks her what she's learned.

"Well", she replies "I've learned that the men with most stamina are native Americans, those with the best technique are Jewish and those with the largest genitalia are from the Deep South".

She looks at him and says "I really should have introduced myself before talking about a subject like that. I'm Doctor Charlotte Malone of Berkeley University."

He smiles as he replies "My name is Tonto Greenbaum, but all my family call me Bubba".

2007-06-22 03:12:01 · 23 answers · asked by nickv2304 4

SIGN IN A STORE WINDOW:
"WE WOULD RATHER DO BUSINESS WITH 1000 AL QAEDA TERRORISTS THAN WITH ONE SINGLE AMERICAN"
This sign was prominently displayed in the window of a business in Philadelphia .

You are probably outraged at the thought of such an inflammatory statement. But we pride ourselves on being a society which holds Freedom of Speech as perhaps our greatest liberty. And after all, it is just a sign.
You may ask what kind of business would dare post such a sign?

Answer: A Funeral Home
Who said morticians had no sense of humor

2007-06-22 02:59:03 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

How do u teach a blonde maths? add a bed subtract her knickers divide her legs enter your square root leave your solution and hope she doesnt multiply!........................

Rocky the rooster woz the biggest,meanest rooster ever,he spent his time beatin the crap out of all the animals on the farm,one day he picked on the farm yard cat, unfortunately the cat beat the crap out of him. The moral of the story is.... no matter how big the c0ck is, the pu55y can always take it!..............................

2007-06-22 02:47:57 · 15 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

1) Do, Gr, Do, Ha, Ba, Sn, ??

2) Pr, En, Gl, Lu, Wr, Gr, ??

3) W, A, T, N, L, A, ?

#1 and #2 are groups with members or elements that are closely related to each other. The answer to each one is unique - you can't add any more members or elements to either group. #3 is a sequence and the order of letters is important; the answer is staring at you (or you at the answer).

2007-06-22 02:41:07 · 7 answers · asked by sweetwater 7

A guy goes into a drugstore to buy condoms.

"What size?" asks the clerk?

"Gee, I don't know."

"Go see Sophie in aisle 4." He goes over to see Sophie, who grabs him in the
crotch, and yells, "Medium!" The guy is mortified! He hurries over to pay and
leaves quickly.

Another guy comes in to buy condoms, and gets sent to Sophie in aisle 4.
Sophie grabs him and yells, "Large!" The guy struts over to the register, pays,
and leaves.

A high school kid comes in to buy condoms.

"What size?" The kid embarrassedly says "I've never done this before. I don't
know what size." The clerk sends him over to Sophie in aisle 4. She grabs him
and yells "Clean up in aisle 4!"

2007-06-22 02:40:27 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

jane was becoming frustrated with her husband insistance to only have sex in the dark hoping to free her husband from his inhabitions during a passionate evening she flipped on the light only to discover a cucumber in his hand

"is this what youve been using on me for the last ten years" she asks

"You impotent barsteward!!"

"speaking of sneaky" he interupted

"maybe youd like to explain our two kids"

2007-06-22 02:32:13 · 10 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

One day God was looking down at earth and saw all of the rascally behavior that was going on. So he called one of his angels to go to earth for a time. When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel to get a second opinion."

So God called another angel and sent him to earth for a time, too. When the angel returned he went to God and said, "Yes, it's true. The earth is in decline; 95% are misbehaving, but 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So he decided to email the 5% who were good, because He wanted to encourage them, give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the email said?





Oh! You didn't get one?!

2007-06-22 02:26:10 · 10 answers · asked by LadyG 4

http://www.winterrowd.com/jessicaalba/

2007-06-22 02:23:30 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two robins were sitting in a tree.
"I'm really hungry," said the first one. "Let's fly down and find some lunch."

They flew down to the ground and found a nice plot of newly plowed ground that was full of worms. They ate and ate and ate till they could eat no more.

"I am so full, I don't think I can fly back up into the tree," said the first one.

"Let's just lay back here and bask in the warm sun," said the second

"O K," said the first.


So they plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, when a big fat tomcat sneaks up and gobbles them up. As the cat sat washing his face after his meal, he thought...

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"I JUST LOVE BASKIN ROBINS."

2007-06-22 02:08:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

It is pretty good (the current system I mean), but here's what I have in mind:

Best Answer - 25$
Good Answer - 5$
Stupid ones - For Free:)

How's that?:) Do I deserve a star or what?:)

2007-06-22 01:58:33 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde goes to the local restaurant, buys a small drink for herself, and sits down to drink it. She notices a peel-off prize sticker on the side of her cup while she is drinking. After pulling off the tab, she begins screaming, "I won a motor home! I won a motor home!"

The waitress runs over and argues, "That's impossible. The biggest prize given away was a stero system!"

The blonde replies, "No. I won a motor home!"

By this time, the manager makes his way over to the table, and he too argues, "You couldn't possibly have won a motor home because we didn't have that as one of our prizes."

Again the blonde says, "There is no mistake! I won a motor home!"

The blonde hands the prize ticket to the manager and he reads, "WIN A BAGEL."

2007-06-22 01:52:05 · 16 answers · asked by alex301mi 3

She's sitting at the table with her gourmet coffee.

Her son is on the cover of the Wheaties box.

Her daughter is on the cover of Business Week.

Her boyfriend is on the cover of Playgirl.

And her husband is on the back of the milk carton!
Keep reading-they get better!!!

WOMEN'S REVENGE

"Cash, check or charge?" I asked, after folding items the woman wished to purchase. As she fumbled for her wallet , I noticed a remote control for a television set in her purse.
"So, do you always carry your TV remote?" I asked. "No," she replied, "but my husband refused to come shopping with me, and I figured this was the most evil thing I could do to him legally."

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.
I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax, pour it onto your upper thigh, rip the hair out by the root, and still be afraid of a spider.

2007-06-22 01:22:31 · 8 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

Hey I'm a 23 year old male with £5.08 in my paypal account what can i buy that will be fun and entertaining. Item must be under £5.08 including postage! Best item will get purchased!

2007-06-22 00:53:27 · 10 answers · asked by copsdonuts 2

are you bored try this
A woman was chatting with her next-door neighbor. "I feel really good today. I started out this morning with an act of unselfish generosity. I gave a twenty dollar bill to a bum."

"You gave a bum twenty whole dollars? That's a lot of money to just give away. What did you husband say about it?"

"Oh, he thought it was the proper thing to do. He said, 'Thanks.'"

2007-06-22 00:42:38 · 9 answers · asked by ? 2

He was doing a lap of honour

2007-06-21 23:53:03 · 10 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

2007-06-21 23:48:19 · 20 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

No smut, no filth, nothing racist, nothing anti this or anti that,. just a good, honest clean, fun, silly joke,.. what was it? The absolute BEST one you have ever heard,.... Thanks!

2007-06-21 23:46:09 · 28 answers · asked by wildimagination2003 4

2007-06-21 23:40:19 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous