Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

I come in colors white, black, green, red, and pink! I am DELICIOUS! Im sold by a company whose initials are VW. I was on a comercial and the song was "candy man" U can call me and I can call you! what am i (more specific than a cell phone!!!)

2007-06-22 17:55:55 · 6 answers · asked by uhmuhmuhm 2

2007-06-22 17:54:43 · 4 answers · asked by 119mdw 1

2007-06-22 17:50:02 · 7 answers · asked by ppellet 3

A man walks into a pharmacy and begins wandering up and down the aisles.

A sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

Why "Yes" he answers. "I'm looking for a box of tampons for my wife.

"No problem" she replies, as she directs him to the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a wad of string on the counter.

Confused, she asks "Sir, I thought you were looking for tampons for your wife?

It's like this" replies the man, "Yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper was her comment.

"So, I figure if I have to roll my own .......... so does she".

2007-06-22 17:46:21 · 18 answers · asked by irishchick! 2

What work can a painter never quite finish?

2007-06-22 17:43:12 · 2 answers · asked by Josh M 2

Not to dig at people who like NASCAR, but what do you think about this.

Bob: Hey Jim, does NASCAR actually stand for something. You know like NASA and those other organizations abbreviations?
Jim: Yeah it stands for:

Non
Athletic
Sport
Centered
Around
Rednecks

Don't get me wrong, I like NASCAR as much as the next guy, but if you think about am I not right? Hope I gave you a good laugh. Star if you like.

2007-06-22 17:42:43 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

If your sock drawer has 6 black socks, 4 brown socks, 8 white socks, and 2 tan socks, how many socks would you have to pull out in the dark to be sure you had a matching pair?

2007-06-22 17:33:21 · 16 answers · asked by Josh M 2

1. Dogs are forbidden from riding in ambulances in Westport, Massachusetts
2. It is illegal to get a fish drunk in Oklahoma
3. In Atlanta Georgia, it is against the law to tie a giraffe to a street lamp
4. In Kingsville, Texas, there is a law against two pigs having sex on the city's airport property
5. When a man meets a cow in Minnesota, he required by law to remove his hat
6. It is illegal for hens to lay eggs before 8am and after 4pm in Norfolk, Virginia
7. Cats in international falls, Minnesota, are not permitted to chase dogs up telegraph poles
8. In Minnesota, it is illegal to tease skunks
9. In Alaska, it is illegal to look at a moose from the window of an aircraft
10. In Marshalltown, Iowa, a horse will be breaking the law if he eats a fire hydrant
11. Ducks quacking after 10pm in Essex Falls, New Jersey, are breaking the law
12. In Quitman, Georgia, it is against the law for a chicken to cross any road within the city limits
13. It is illegal to start a fire under a mule

2007-06-22 17:24:13 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Goldstein says to his friend, "Last week was one of the worst weeks of my entire life."
"What happened?" asks Birnbaum.
Goldstein moans, "My wife and I went to Florida on vacation. It rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands of dollars on the credit card. I came back to New York and found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model on my desk!"
"You think you had a bad week?" responds Birnbaum. "My week was even worse! I went to Florida on vacation with my wife and it rained for seven days and seven nights, so my wife went out and spent thousands on the credit card. Then, when I got back to New York, I found out that my brother-in-law accountant has been ripping me off for millions. And, to
top it all off, when I came in to work on Monday morning, I found my son having sex with the garment model.

2007-06-22 17:07:26 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

You might get more *** than i do but i dont take **** from nobody

2007-06-22 17:05:17 · 10 answers · asked by Lovey dovey cuddlekins 2

A farmer needed to buy a bull to service his cows but in order to afford it; he had to borrow money from the bank. The banker who lent him the money stopped by a week later to see how his investment was shaping up. The farmer complained that the bull just ate grass and wouldn’t even look at the cows, so the banker suggested calling a vet to take a look at the animal.
The following week the banker returned to see if the vet had been of any use. The farmer looked very pleased. 'The bull serviced all my cows twice,' he said, 'then broke through the fence and serviced all my neighbors cows three times.'
'Wow!' exclaimed the banker. 'What did the vet do to that bull?'
'Just gave me some pills to give him,' replied the farmer.
'What kind off pills?'
'I don’t know,' said the farmer, 'but they sort of taste like chocolate

2007-06-22 16:47:37 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

1st correct answer gets ten.....

2007-06-22 16:23:50 · 13 answers · asked by Krazykraut 3

I wouldn`t be helping all them people out for free...would you?
I think she was probably gettin paid under the table...On the hush hush....LOL

2007-06-22 16:21:46 · 15 answers · asked by Future 5

2007-06-22 16:17:51 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

It's not true that married men live longer than single men. It only seems longer.

How are tornadoes and marriage alike?
They both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.

A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he's finished.

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has been living with for the last 40 years.
The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on you."
The old man says without hesitation, "I now pronounce you man and wife."

2007-06-22 16:13:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Okay herr it goes

Tommy comes to class naked and the teacher asks him why

He says i was on top of huckelberry hill *teacher lets him go*

Jake comes in naked and the teacher asks him why he says i was on top of huckelberry hill *teacher lets him go*

Rob comes in naked and the teacher asks him why he says i was on top of huckelberry hill *teacher lets him go*

And finally another female classmate comes in naked and the teacher says let me guess you were on top of huckelberry hill right?

She says nope i am huckelberry hill

2007-06-22 16:08:01 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-22 16:00:43 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Little tommy went to see off his mom's friend Janet at the airport.
Mom: Okay tommy, kiss aunty Janet goodbye.

Tommy: No I won't she'll slap me.

Mom: now now, she won't she loves you a lot.

Tommy: No mamma, you don't know. She slaps when someone tries to kiss her.

Mom: why do you think so ?

Tommy: Cuz, when dad wanted to kiss her goodbye yesterday, she...

2007-06-22 15:59:41 · 13 answers · asked by lool 4

Once upon a time, a blonde became so sick of hearing blonde jokes that she had her hair cut and died brown. A few days later, as she was driving around the countryside, she stopped her car to let a flock of sheep pass.
Admiring the cute woolly creatures, she said to the shepherd, "If I can guess how many sheep you have, can I take one?" The shepherd, always the gentleman replied, "Of course." The blonde thought for a moment and for no discernible reason said, "352."

This being the correct number, the shepherd was, understandably, totally amazed and exclaimed, "You're right! O.K., I'll keep to my end of the deal. Take your pick of my flock." The blonde carefully considered the entire flock and finally picked one that was by far cuter and more playful than any of the others.

When she was done, the shepherd turned to her and said, "O.K., now I have a proposition for you. If I can guess your true hair color, can I have my dog back?"

2007-06-22 15:49:45 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-22 14:21:15 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three elderly men are at the doctor for a memory test. The doctor says to the first man, "What is three times three?" "274," was his reply.

The doctor says to the second man, "It's your turn. What is three times three?"

"Tuesday," replies the second man.

The doctor says to the third man, "Okay, your turn. What's three times three?"

"Nine," says the third man. "That's great!" says the doctor. "How did you get that?"

"Simple," says the third man. "I subtracted 274 from Tuesday."

2007-06-22 13:51:07 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Here is the deal the one that makes me laugh harder gets 5stars

2007-06-22 13:49:15 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three couples, an elderly couple, a middle-aged couple and a young newlywed couple wanted to join a church.

The pastor said, "We have special requirements for new parishioners. You must abstain from having sex for two weeks."

The couples agreed and came back at the end of two weeks.

The pastor went to the elderly couple and asked, "Were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The old man replied, "No problem at all, Pastor."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

The pastor went to the middle-aged couple and asked, "Well, were you able to abstain from sex for the two weeks?" The man replied, "The first week was not too bad. The second week I had to sleep on the couch for a couple of nights but, yes we made it."

"Congratulations! Welcome to the church!" said the pastor.

2007-06-22 13:34:24 · 9 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

a street in new york,they came to a subway station so they split up,one went down one way and the other went the other way,aftwer a few minutes they meet up again and leave trhe station,one of the drunks said to he other ,hey i was jut down this guys basement, you should have seen the train set he had!!!

2007-06-22 13:26:12 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Johnny missed his final exam due to the flu, but he'd done so well
during the year that the teacher suggested to the principal that they
give him an oral exam to make up for the test he'd missed.

The principal agreed so they called Johnny into the office, explained,
then the teacher asked, "Johnny what does a cow have four of, that I
only have two of?"

Johnny replied, "Legs."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what do you have in your pants that I
don't have in my pants?"

Johnny replied, "Pockets."

The teacher asked, "Johnny, what is the capital of Italy?"

Johnny replied. "Rome."

The teacher turned to the principal and asked, "Should we pass him?"

The principal replied, "Better not ask me, I got the first two wrong!"

2007-06-22 13:21:42 · 6 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

why did god invent orgasms for women?

so they can still have a moan even when theyre enjoying themselves!

2007-06-22 13:20:45 · 7 answers · asked by magiclady2007 6

A lady and a guy are sitting next to eachother on the airplane. The lady is reading her bible and the guy sitting next to her asks if she believes in all those silly stories in the bible.

The lady says, "well if it's wrote in this book, then yeah, I believe it to be true".
The guy says, "even that story about that guy being swallowed by a whale".
The lady says, "Yes i believe that story is true".
The guy say, "Then can you explain how he lived in the stomach of a whale for 3 days".
She said, "I'm not sure, but when i die and go to heaven, I'll be sure to ask him".
The guy says, "What if he isn't in heaven".


The lady responds, "then when you die, you ask him".

Star me if you liked the joke.

2007-06-22 13:06:46 · 6 answers · asked by Que 1

You can get chocolate.
"If you love me you'll swallow that" has real meaning with chocolate.
Chocolate satisfies even when it has gone soft.
You can safely have chocolate while you are driving.
You can make chocolate last as long as you want it to.
You can have chocolate even in front of your mother.
If you bite the nuts too hard the chocolate won't mind.
Two people of the same sex can have chocolate without being called nasty names.
The word "commitment" doesn't scare off chocolate.
You can have chocolate on top of your workbench/desk during working hours without upsetting your work mates.
You can ask a stranger for chocolate without getting your face slapped.
You don't get hairs in your mouth with chocolate.
With chocolate there's no need to fake it.
Chocolate doesn't make you pregnant.
You can have chocolate at any time of the month.
Good chocolate is easy to find.
You can have as many kinds of chocolate as you can handle.

2007-06-22 12:58:31 · 10 answers · asked by dont_know_4_sure 2

wee guy sitting at the bar. Big thug walks in and hits him to the floor and says thats a karate chop from korea. Later thug walks upto him and hits him again and says thats a judo chop from japan. Wee guy goes out& a few minutes later returns smacks him on head and knocks him out cold. He says to the bar man when that t**t wakes up tell him that was a crowbar from b n q

2007-06-22 12:48:59 · 12 answers · asked by magiclady2007 6

i just want to do a joke to a friend on the phone!!

2007-06-22 12:47:32 · 10 answers · asked by super_jozie 1