Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed nicely made up and everything neat and tidy.

Then he saw an envelope propped up prominently on the pillow. It was addressed, "Dad". With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter with trembling hands:

2007-06-23 07:56:25 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

John and Claire are just newly married. They are still a little shy about doing the "wild thing", so they decide to just refer to it as "washing the clothes". One night, Claire invites some of her friends over for dinner, but John is really horny and doesn't want to have to entertain their guests.

So, as Claire is serving the main course, he whispers in her ear, "Let's go wash the clothes". Claire is horrified that he could even suggest such a thing while they're entertaining, and she refuses. John tries again, but she won't give in. Claire tells him instead to go upstairs and get the candleholders from the hall closet. Frustrated, John slowly walks up the stairs to get them.

While he's upstairs, Claire thinks of the fun they'd have if they COULD "wash the clothes". Nah, she thinks. Not now. But eventually her imagination gets the best of her, and she tells the maid to run upstairs and tell John that she'll be up in a minute to help him. The maid finds John upstairs in the bedroom, and tells him that his wife will be up in a minute to help him wash the clothes.

"Tell her it's ok," says John. "I already did them by hand."

2007-06-23 06:48:07 · 40 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-23 06:31:14 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A)All the Trains that pass through grand central station in a day, or
B)All the Trees cut down in a year to print US currency?

Hint)Its a trick question.

2007-06-23 06:10:22 · 7 answers · asked by Matt 5

it goes like this..............
i wanna bathe with you in the sea, i wanna lay like this forever until the sun comes down on me

2007-06-23 05:27:15 · 10 answers · asked by Ms.J 2

A pair of newlyweds were on their honeymoon.The first night the groom asked,"Honey,you can tell me.Am i the first man?"She looked up at him and said,"Why does everybody ask me that

2007-06-23 05:18:12 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

This woman was so jealous that when she was unable to find any unfamiliar hair on her husbands jacket,she screamed at him."God only you would have an affair with a bald woman"

2007-06-23 05:10:01 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm so bored!!!! Tell me something funny, and the one that makes me laugh the most can have best answer...

2007-06-23 05:03:12 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

2 stautues were in a park for 40 years, one male, one female. One day, an angel granted them life for a short time. He said"Because neither of you had an impure thought while staring at each other for 40 years, I will grant you life for 30 minutes, and the freedom to do what you desire." The man grabs the woman's arm and leads her into the bushes,where you hear giggling and laughing. 15 minutes later, they emerge, red faced and grinning. The angel told them 15 minutes were still remaining, keep it up! The woman told the man,"This time, you hold the pigeon, and I'll crap on him!!!!"

2007-06-23 04:52:22 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

to YA?

2007-06-23 04:17:03 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-23 01:47:47 · 10 answers · asked by GOAUSSIE 2

If he's got a Quarter pounder then he's a McDonald.....!

2007-06-22 23:10:51 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?

Juan on Juan


What is a Yankee?

The same as a quickie, but a guy can do it alone.



What is the difference between a Harley and a Hoover?

The position of the dirt bag



Why is divorce so expensive?

Because it's worth it.


Why is air a lot like sex?

Because it's no big deal unless you're not getting any.



What do you call a smart blonde?

A golden retriever.



What do attorneys use for birth control?

Their personalities.



What's the difference between a girlfriend and wife?

10 years and 45 lbs



What's the difference between a boyfriend and husband?

45 minutes



What's the fastest way to a man's heart?



Through his chest with a sharp knife.



Why do men want to marry virgins?

They can't stand criticism



Why is it so hard for women to find men that are sensitive, caring, and
good-looking?


Because those men already have boyfriends.


What's the difference between a new husband and a new dog?

After a year, the dog is still excited to see you


What makes men chase women they have no intention of marrying?

The same urge that makes dogs chase cars they have no intention of
driving.



Why don't bunnies make noise when they have sex?



Because they have cotton balls.



What's the difference between a porcupine and BMW?

A porcupine has the pricks on the outside.



What did the blonde say when she found out she was pregnant?

"Are you sure it's mine?"



Why does Mike Tyson cry during sex?

Mace will do that to you.



Why did OJ Simpson want to move to West Virginia ?

Everyone has the same DNA.


Why do men find it difficult to make eye contact?

Breasts don't have eyes.



Why do drivers' education classes in Redneck schools use the car only
on Mondays, Wednesdays and Fridays?

Because on Tuesday and Thursday, the Sex Ed class uses it.



Where does an Irish family go on vacation?



A different bar.



Did you hear about the Chinese couple that had a blond baby?

They named him "Sum Ting Wong".



What does it mean when the flag at the Post Office is flying at
half-mast?

They're hiring.



How do you get a sweet little 80-year-old lady to say the F word?

Get another sweet little 80-year-old lady to yell *BINGO*!



What's the difference between a northern fairytale and a southern fairytale?

A northern fairytale begins "Once upon a time ..." -A southern fairytale begins
"Y'all ain't gonna believe this ****....


Why is there no Disneyland in China?
No one's tall enough to go on the good rides

2007-06-22 23:01:20 · 9 answers · asked by Uncle Elroy 4

Q: Why does it take a blonde so long to refill the salt shaker?
A: She finds it difficult to get the salt into the holes.

Q: How do you get a blonde to kill herself?
A: Tell her to jump out of the basement window.

Q: Whats the difference between a blonde and an ironing board?
A: It's quite difficult opening the legs of an ironing board.

Q: How can you tell which tricycle belongs to the blonde?
A: It's the one with the kickstand.

sorry all no offence intended just some good laughs. :)

2007-06-22 22:59:11 · 7 answers · asked by Gina B 4

A woman goes to her mother's funeral. She sees a man that is also at the funeral who catches her interest. Before she can introduce herself and maybe set up a date, he leaves. The next day she kills her sister, why?

2007-06-22 21:48:30 · 12 answers · asked by sage 5

feeling happy. Happy got out, so they all felt grumpy.....

Chortle chortle har ha

2007-06-22 21:28:03 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man had been sitting a bar staring into his drink for half an hour when a big trouble making truck driver came in, he spotted the guy and went over, lifted the guy's drink and downed it in one. The man bursts into tear's and the trucker, embarrassed at this says "Hey don't cry about it I was only joking let me buy you a drink to say sorry." the guy say's "It's not that it's just that it ain't my day,First my boss gave me a new account and I offended the client and lost the account. My boss was disgusted and fired me, I went to the car park and my car had been stolen, the police said there wasn't anything they could do , I got home to find my wife in bed with the gardener, on my way out the door my 15yr old daughter met me and told me she's pregnant and isn't sure who the father is and finally I was sitting here contemplating suicide and then you walk in and drink my poison."

2007-06-22 20:59:19 · 21 answers · asked by Jim Jnr M 6

At an art exhibition, a couple was viewing a painting of three very naked and very black men sitting on a park bench. What was unusual was that the men on the ends of the bench had black penises, but the man in the middle had a very pink penis.

While the couple was cratching their heads trying to figure this out, the artist walked by and noticed the couple's confusion. "Can I help you with this painting?" he asked.

"Well, yes" said the gentleman. We were curious about this picture of the black men on the bench. Why is it that the man in the middle has a pink penis?"

"Oh" said the artist. "I'm afraid you've misunderstood the painting. The three men are not Africans, they're coal miners, and the fellow in the middle went home for lunch.."

2007-06-22 20:57:06 · 6 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

There was once a great actor, who had a problem. He could no longer remember his lines. Finally after many years he finds a theatre where they are prepared to give him a chance to shine again.

The director says, "This is the most important part, and it has only one line, you must walk on to the stage carrying a rose, you must hold the rose with just one finger and your thumb to your nose, sniff the rose deeply and then say the line 'Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress.'"

The actor is thrilled. All day long before the play he's practicing his line over and over again. Finally the time came. The curtain went up, the actor walked onto the stage, and with great passion delivered the line; "Ah, the sweet aroma of my mistress."

The theatre erupted, the audience was screaming with laughter and the director was steaming! "You bloody fool!" he cried, "You have ruined me!"

The actor was bewildered, "What happened? Did I forget my line?" He asked.

"No!" the director screamed, "You forgot the bloody rose!"

2007-06-22 20:51:28 · 7 answers · asked by PerFecT StrAngEr.. is back 6

There's a woman who goes to church every Sunday. Her name is Mary. An old woman comes up to her one day and starts talking to her. Somehow Mary managed to introduce herself but the other woman never did.

Three years went by...

The woman still talked to Mary. But Mary realised that she still didn't know the old lady's name. She knew it would be kinda weird to ask her name after THREE years like "By the way, what IS your name?" She told her husband of this.

Mary thought long and hard. She thought maybe if she told the old woman that she was going to invite her to a get together to a restaurant but needed the old woman's name spelled correctly for the invitation card. Who likes their name spelled incorrectly.

Mary tells the old lady: "I can NEVER spell your name, could you please spell it out as I write it, so it is correct on the invitation"

The old lady goes quite bluntly "M-A-R-Y. Mary"

2007-06-22 20:50:47 · 7 answers · asked by aRChIE! :] 3

>>>She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the garbage?" Following her down the street I yelled, "No, jump in." --Anonymous

>>>If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife yelling at the frontdoor, who do you let in first?
The Dog of course... at least he'll shut up after you let him in! --Anonymous

2007-06-22 20:45:20 · 5 answers · asked by Sand King 1

take an extra pair of pants when he went out on the golf course?

Just in case he got a hole in one.

2007-06-22 20:41:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

>>> I take my wife everywhere, but she keeps finding her way back to home always. --Anonymous

>>>We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

>>>I don't worry about terrorism. I was married for two years. --Sam Kinison


>>>Men have a better time than women; for one thing, they marry later; for another thing, they die earlier. --- H. L. Mencken

>>>When a newly married couple smiles, everyone knows why. When a ten-year married couple smiles, everyone wonders why.

>>>Love is blind but marriage is an eye-opener.

>>>When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, you can be sure of one thing: either the car is new or the wife.

>>>I asked my wife, "Where do you want to go for our anniversary?" She said,"Somewhere I have never been!" I told her, "How about the kitchen?" --Anonymous

>>>My wife was in beauty saloon for two hours. That was only for the estimate. --Anonymous

>>>She got a mudpack and looked great for two days. Then
the mud fell off. --Anonymous

2007-06-22 20:41:27 · 5 answers · asked by Sand King 1

A man is born in 1972 and dies in 1952 at age 25. What's the deal??

(I'll post the answer in about 5 minutes or until a decent amount of people guess)

2007-06-22 20:13:12 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I'm bringing 3 jam donuts.

You can only come to my picnic if you bring something related to my answer (thumbs up for yes, thumbs down for no) So,what are you bringing?
Best answer goes to someone who can figure out why I say yes or no and also who chooses an item that I say yes to.

2007-06-22 19:56:29 · 12 answers · asked by Guitar Heroine 3

first to answer will get best answer (note cant be door-hinge cuz thats 2 words or nothing cuz nothing doesnt rhyme with orange

2007-06-22 19:54:30 · 15 answers · asked by monkeyspamman 2

looK dOWN to find out
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not here stupid

2007-06-22 19:40:41 · 11 answers · asked by ? 2

You look it over the following list and see how many of these things you have done. BUT you have to ADD up the money amount along the way. Then put the amount that you are as the answer. 10pts to whoever gets the same price as i did.....


Had sex: $10.00
Smoked: $3.00
Got drunk: $7.00
Went skinny dipping: $5.00
Kissed someone of the opposite sex: $5.00
Kissed someone of the same sex: $10.00
Cheated on a test: $2.00
Fell asleep in class: $0.50
Been in a fist fight: $10.00
Prank called the cops: $3.00
Stole something: $2.00
Done drugs: $5.00
Dyed your hair: $0.50
Ate a whole thing of oreos: $0.50
Cried yourself to sleep: $1.00
Said you love someone but didnt mean it:$1.00
Been in love: $4.00
Got caught doing something that you shouldnt have been doing:$1.00
Went streaking: $4.00
Got arrestested:$5.00
Madeout with someone: $2.00
Peed in the pool: $0.50
Played spin the bottle: $1.00
Done something you regret: $3.00
Wished someone dead: $5.0

2007-06-22 19:33:59 · 13 answers · asked by funki15munki 2

What is the largest possible no u can write using only 2no------ just 2no,no other mathimatical symbols??

2007-06-22 19:23:59 · 5 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

Late one morning in the middle of the night
Two dead boys got up to fight
Back to back they faced each other
Drew their Swords and shot each other
A deaf policeman heard the noise
and came and killed the two dead boys

2007-06-22 18:02:53 · 9 answers · asked by banjaxed 6