Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

pinky and the brain need my help to take over the world i need ideas quick b4 bush or big brother finds out and try to stop me

2007-06-25 14:12:28 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-25 14:07:07 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-25 13:56:07 · 11 answers · asked by 653157 1

These two guys were digging a ditch while the foreman looks on. On says to the other,"how come we have to be down here while he's up there watching use. He should be helping us dig".His buddy says " well why don't you go and ask him "? Guy climbs out and asks the foreman why he isn't helping dig. Foreman says its inteligence. Guy asks "What's that. Foreman says here, I'll demonstrate and places his finger down on a rock and tells the guy to hit it hard with his fist. The guy draws back and swings.At the same time, the forman pulls back his finger and the guy smacks the rock with his fist! The foreman says "see, thats intelligence and you don't have enough yet"! The guy satesfied, climbs back into the hole and picks up his shovel. His buddy asks 'what happened'? Guy says "the boss taught me what intelligence mean".His buddy asks "Well, can you teach me"? Guy says "sure", and looks around for a rock, but dosn't see one. So he puts his finger between his eyes and says " hit my finger "!

2007-06-25 13:37:50 · 14 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

A policeman was interrogating 3 blondes who were training to become detectives. To test their skills in recognizing a suspect, he shows the first blonde a picture for 5 seconds and then hides it. "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?

The first blonde answers, "That's easy, we'll catch him fast because he only has one eye!" The policeman says, "Well...uh...that's because the picture shows his side profile."

Slightly flustered by this ridiculous response, he flashes the picture for 5 seconds at the second blonde and asks her, "This is your suspect, how would you recognize him?"

The second blonde giggles, flips her hair and says, "Ha! He'd be too easy to catch because he only has one ear!" The policeman angrily responds, "What's the matter with you two?!? Of course only one eye and one ear are SHOWING because it's a picture of his side profile!! Is that the best answer you can come up
with?

Extremely frustrated at this point, he shows the picture to the third bl

2007-06-25 13:32:25 · 20 answers · asked by maroon5fan328 3

2007-06-25 13:13:29 · 6 answers · asked by jobees 6

Firefighters were able to confine it, but Bush's personal library was completely destroyed. Both books. Including the one he hadn't finished coloring yet.

2007-06-25 13:06:19 · 39 answers · asked by Bill Melater 3

There was this American tourist in Mexico, and he was getting tired of walking around, so he went up to a donkey rental place and said, ''Can I rent a donkey?'

The guy said, "We don't call them donkeys here, we call them asses. This is the only *** I have left, and you have to scratch him when you want to make him stop."

The guy rides his *** for a while, sees a hotdog stand, and asks for a hotdog. The vendor replies, "We don't call them hotdogs here we call the wieners."

Meanwhile his donkey is wandering away, so he goes up to another tourist and says "Will you hold my wiener whille I scratch my ***?"

2007-06-25 13:01:28 · 10 answers · asked by sweetxoblivion 2

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

(i noe, it was kinda corny)

2007-06-25 12:54:47 · 12 answers · asked by Anita 2

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but she listens in horror as one of the men says the following; "Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, dey come together. I come again. Two asses, dey come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a more." "You foul-mouthed swine," retorted the lady indignantly. "In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public!" "Hey, coola down lady," said the man. "Imma just tellun my friend howa to spella Mississippi."

2007-06-25 12:28:02 · 11 answers · asked by Anita 2

A Captain in the foreign legion was transfered to a desert outpost. On his orientation tour he noticed a very old, seedy looking camel tied out back of the enlisted mens barracks. He asked the Sargent leading the tour, "What's the camel for?". The Sargent replied "Well sir it's a long way from anywhere, and the men have natural sexual urges, so when they do, uh, we have the camel." The captain said "Well if it's good for moral, then I guess it's all right with me." After he had been at the fort for about 6 months the captain could not stand it any more so he told his Sargent, "BRING IN THE CAMEL!!!" The sarge shrugged his shoulders and led the camel into the captains quarters. The captain got a foot stool & proceeded to have vigorous sex with the camel. As he stepped, satisfied, down from the stool, and was buttoning his pants he asked the Sargent, "Is that how the enlisted men do it?" The Sargent replied, "Well sir, they usually just use it to ride into town.

2007-06-25 12:24:57 · 14 answers · asked by Anita 2

This is a joke for guys to tell another female. Let me say please it be a cool female friend because if not u might get smack it the face.

At the end of this story the women escape from the cave
There were 3 men and a women trap in the cave.

The women ask the 1st man “please help me get out of here, I’ll do anything”.
The man said “give me some p***y, and I’ll tell you”.
She killed him and walked away.

The women ask the 2nd man “please help me get out of here, I’ll do anything”.
The man said “give me some p***y, and I’ll tell you”.
She killed him and walked away.

The women ask the 3rd and final man “please help me get out of here, I’ll do anything”.
The man said “give me some p***y, and I’ll tell you”.
She killed him and walked away.



If you want to know how she got out, you have to give ME some p***y and I’ll tell you.

What do you think? Funny?

2007-06-25 12:10:44 · 18 answers · asked by helpful friend 3

(fill in the blanks)

2007-06-25 11:54:24 · 37 answers · asked by xXThe SorrowXx 2

The Old Man's Physical



A 70-year-old man goes to the doctor's for a physical.

The doctor runs some tests and says to the man, ''Well, everything seems to be in top condition physically, but what about mentally? How is your connection with God?''

And the man says, ''Oh me and God? We're tight. We have a real bond, he's good to me. Every night when I have to get up to go to the bathroom, he turns on the light for me, and then, when I leave, he turns it back off.''

Well, upon hearing this the doctor was astonished.



He called the man's wife and said, ''I'd like to speak to you about your husband's connection with God. He claims that every night when he needs to use the restroom, God turns on the light for him and turns it off for him again when he leaves. Is this true?''

And she says, ''That idiot, he's been peeing in the refrigerator!''

2007-06-25 11:37:43 · 24 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

2007-06-25 11:10:51 · 11 answers · asked by jobees 6

Late afternoons I often bathe.
I'll soak in water piping hot.
My essence goes through my see through clothes.
Used up am I; I've gone to pot.
What am I?

2007-06-25 10:25:06 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

this ones a bit dirty, but funny nonetheless...

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is
also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a
dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from
there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks
up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to
him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.

"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks towards the kitchen. The cook
happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened.

The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly
brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man.

After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll
take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing
around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man
comes in he's going to test him.

The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming
and runs to the kitchen.

He tells his wife, "Mary, rub this fork on your panties before I take
it to the blind man."

Mary complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in
and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have
the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says,
"Hey I didn't know that Mary worked here..."

2007-06-25 09:38:24 · 30 answers · asked by freakokalam 2

Da Taro Patch-An old Hawaiian man lived alone in the country. He wanted to dig a taro patch, but it was very hard work because the ground was hard like a
rock. His only son, Kimo, who used to help him, was in
Halawa prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and explained hispredicament...
Dear Kimo,
I feel pretty bad because it looks like I won't be
able to plant my taro patch this year. I'm just getting
too old to be digging up this hard soil. I know if you were
here you would be happy to dig the patch for me and it
wouldn't be a problem.
Love,Dad
A few days later he received a letter from his son...
Dear Dad,
No dig up the dirt in the taro patch. That's where I buried
the bodies.
Love,Kimo
At 4 A.M. the next morning, FBI agents and local police
arrived and an army of men dug up the entire area without
finding any bodies. They apologized to the old man and left.
Later that same day the old man received another letter from his
son---

2007-06-25 09:32:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

If you yelled for 8 years, 7 months and 6 days you would have produced
enough sound energy to heat one cup of coffee. (Hardly seems worth it.)

If you farted consistently for 6 years and 9 months, enough gas is
produced to create the energy of an atomic bomb. (Now that's more like it !)

The human heart creates enough pressure when it pumps out to the body
to squirt blood 30 feet. (O.M.G.!)

A pig's orgasm lasts 30 minutes.
(In my next life, I want to be a pig.)

A cockroach will live nine days without its head before it starves to
death. (Creepy.)

(I'm still not over the pig.)

Banging your head against a wall uses 150 calories a hour (Don't try
this at home, maybe at work)

The male praying mantis cannot copulate while its head is attached to
its body. The female initiates sex by ripping the male's head off.
(Honey, I'm home. What the...?!)

2007-06-25 08:30:49 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

after weeks of using a new miracle anti-aging cream a woman asks her husband to tell her honestly "what age would you say i am?"
he replied "well Susan judging from your skin _ 20.your hair_16.and your figure _25."
"oh you flatterer!" she gushes and gives him a hug.
"hey wait a minute," he interrupts,"i havent added them all up yet,"

2007-06-25 08:20:20 · 53 answers · asked by Anonymous

26 l in the a
28 d in f
365 d in a y
366 d in a l y
60 s in a m
60 m in an h
24 h in a day
48 h in t d
14 d in a f
7 d in a w



_______________________________________________


These are all brain teasers be careful


heres another one for ya

2 sones and a dad are fishing they need to get over the lake with one boat the boat can only handle 10 stone the dad weighs ten stone and the 2 sons each weigh 5 stone how do all three get across the lake?

2007-06-25 08:13:21 · 41 answers · asked by ☺C☺h☺a☺r☺l☺o☺t☺t☺e 3

he swims on his back!!
sorry,but i thought it was quite funny!!!!!!!

2007-06-25 08:06:08 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

What is put on a table, cut, but never eaten?

2007-06-25 08:01:55 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

A monkey passes by.Now this monkey had fancied the lion for some time and seeing the lionesse sleeping decided to take his opportunity and engage in some illicit passion.Half way through the ordeal the lion wakes sees the monkey and roars with anger.The monkey runs off into the jungle making a hell of a racket with the lion in hot persuit and gaining on him.He is running out of energy and fading fast.As he rounds the corner shrieking with the lion roaring close behind he comes across a log cabin with an old man sitting outside reading a paper.The noise frightens the old man off so the monkey sits on the bench with the paper in front of him to hide from the lion.The lion turns the corner and unable to see the monkey asks .Have you seen a monkey running past?.The monkey replies from behind the paper "What the one who fu--ked the lion".The lion shouted out in despair,"OH lord its not in the papers already is it"I will be the laughing stock of the jungle now"

2007-06-25 07:53:46 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

This elderly lady went to the doctor for a check-up. Everything checked out fine.

The old lady pulled the doctor to the side and said, "Doctor, I haven't had sex for years now and I was wondering how I can increase my husband's sex drive."

The doctor smiled and said, "Have you tried to give him Viagra?"

The lady frowned. "Doctor, I can't even get him to take aspirin when he has a headache," she claimed.

"Well," the doctor continued, "Let me suggest something. Crush the Viagra into a powder. When you are giving him coffee, stir it into the coffee and serve it. He won't notice a thing."

The old lady was delighted. She left the doctor's office quickly.

Weeks later the old lady returned. She was frowning and the doctor asked her what was wrong. She shook her head.

"How did it go?" the doctor asked.

"Terrible, doctor, terrible."

"Did it not work?"

"Yes," the old lady said, "It worked. I did as you said and he got up and ripped his clothes off right then and there and we made mad love on the table. It was the best sex that I'd had in 25 years."

"Then what is the problem, ma'am?"

"Well," she said. "I can't ever show my face in McDonald's again."

2007-06-25 07:50:37 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

Hint: I got this one from the Simpsons

2007-06-25 07:49:28 · 13 answers · asked by stn1225 6

"We'll knock your socks off!"



Sorry... I'm a bad, bad person.

2007-06-25 07:43:53 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-25 07:39:42 · 7 answers · asked by bucsfan 3

2007-06-25 07:32:54 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

star if u like plz


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

2007-06-25 06:17:35 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous