Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Don't make it super long.

2007-06-26 14:58:43 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two cows, Daisy and Dolly, are standing next to each other in a field. Daisy says, "I was artificially inseminated this morning."

"I don't believe you," says Dolly.
"It's true," insists Daisy. "No bull."

2007-06-26 14:23:48 · 28 answers · asked by allen 2

Two old geezers setting on a park bench. One says" I just got me a new hearing aid and I hear great. It's the state of the art. His friend asks " what kind is it?" The guy says "It's half past 3, why?

2007-06-26 13:46:17 · 10 answers · asked by Jackolantern 7

A magician was driving down the road...then he turned into a drive way...

Why don't aliens eat clowns?
Because they taste funny.

What do you call a fish with no eyes?
A fsh.

Two snowmen are standing in a field. One says to the other: "Funny, I smell carrots too".

What do you get when you cross an elephant and a rhino?
El-if-i-no

Two peanuts walk into a bar.
One was a salted.

2007-06-26 13:35:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

They were each boasting about how good their memories are.

The first one said, "I remember being all dressed up and being pushed around in a stroller, and people stopping to coo and remark how beautiful I was!"

The second old man said, "That's nothing! I remember being in this cozy little room, and it was so safe and warm and comfortable, and so nice. Then I went down this waterslide and someone spanked me!"

The third old man said, "Ha! I've got you both beat! I remember going on a picnic with my father, and going back home with my mother!"

2007-06-26 13:25:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

My children love Crazy Frog but I'm not really in to allowing my children to watch cartoon porn. Is this some joke made for an older audience or am I missing something?

2007-06-26 13:16:28 · 10 answers · asked by AIRDOGG13 2

JJ Johnson, sat on his porch smoking and feeling out of sorts. Spring was here and he had not started on his garden. he was in his 70's and arthritis prevented him from doing alot. His son, JJ Johnson II, had always been around to help but junior had been jailed this past winter.

JJ decided to take his mind off of his troubles by writing to his son...
" Dear Junior, I'm sitting here watching the flowers come up and was wishing I could plant your mama's garden, but without you here to plow it I can't get anything done. Until you got locked up I never realised how much help you were to your old man, and I miss you son. With love Dad"

About a week later, JJ got a reply...

"Dear dad, whatever you do, DO NOT dig up that garden this year... u see, thats where i buried the bodies and if they find them i will never get out of here."

JJ Johnson has barely finished reading the letter when there was a knock on his door.

2007-06-26 13:13:01 · 24 answers · asked by dont_know_4_sure 2

>> DEAR DIARY. DAY ONE
>>
>> I am all packed and ready to get on the cruise ship. I've packed all my
>> pretty dresses and make-up. I'm really excited.
>> ______________________________
>>
>> DEAR DIARY. DAY TWO
>>
>> We spent the entire day at sea. It was beautiful and we saw some whales
>> and dolphins. What a wonderful vacation this has started to be. I met the
>> Captain today and he seems like a very nice man.
>> _______________________
>>
>> DEAR DIARY. DAY THREE
>>
>> I spent some time in the pool today. I also did some shuffle boarding and
>> hit some golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at
>> his table for dinner. I felt honored and we had a wonderful time. He is a
>> very attractive and attentive gentleman.
>> ________________
>>
>> DEAR DIARY. DAY FOUR
>>
>> Went to the ship's casino ... did OK ... won about $80. The Captain
>> invited me to have the dinner with him in his state room. We had a
>> luxurious meal completes with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay
>> the night but I declined. I told him there was no way I could be
>> unfaithful to my husband.
>> ____________________
>>
>> DEAR DIARY. DAY FIVE
>>
>> Went back to the pool today and got a little sunburned. I decided to go
>> to the piano bar and spend the rest of the day inside. The Captain saw me
>> and bought me a couple of drinks. He really is a charming gentleman. He
>> again asked me to visit him for the night and again I declined. He told
>> me that if I didn't let him have his way with me he would sink the ship.
>> I was appalled.
>> _____________
>>
>> DEAR DIARY. DAY SIX
>>
>> I saved 1,600 lives today. Twice.
>>
>

2007-06-26 12:49:30 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men were sent to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in **** up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

2007-06-26 12:47:33 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Couple on their honeymoon in hotel room getting undressed,Groom removes his socks,
Bride asks "what's wrong with your feet? your toes look all mangled" replies;
"I had TOLIO as a child,
"you mean POLIO"
"No TOLIO the disease only affected my toes."
Groom removes his trousers, Bride asks:
"whats wrong with your knees they'r all lumpy and deformed?"
replies; "As a child i had KNEASLES"
"you mean MEASLES?"
"No KNEASLES an illness that only affected my knees"
Groom removes his boxers,
"Don't tell me" says Bride
"SMALLCOX?"

2007-06-26 12:31:40 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

I read an article that said it cost us over $1,100/day to keep her in jail (10 times what it costs for the average inmate). Shouldn't she write a check? After all, she's got more money than all of us combined.

2007-06-26 12:16:35 · 11 answers · asked by asonshine 1

it was freaky

2007-06-26 11:48:25 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

If a train is heading North at 5mph and you are inside the train walking towards the rear of the train down the aisle at 2mph. How fast are you moving?

2007-06-26 11:36:10 · 17 answers · asked by thejelliesfamily 2

I was in the store buying a large bag of Purina Dog Food for my dog and was in line to
check out. A woman behind me asked if I had a dog........ Duh! I was feeling
a bit crabby so on impulse, I told her no, I was starting The Purina Diet
again, although I probably shouldn't because I'd ended up in the hospital
last time, but that I'd lost 50 pounds before I awakened in an intensive
care unit with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms.
Her eyes about bugged out of her head. I went on and on with the bogus diet
story and she was totally buying it. I told her that it was an easy, inexpensive diet and that the way it works is to load your pockets or purse with Purina nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry.
The package said the food is nutritionally complete so I was going to try it
again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in the line was by now enthralled with my story, particularly a tall guy behind her.

2007-06-26 11:28:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two old ladies were out side their nursing home,having a smoke,when it started raining.One of the ladies pulled out a condom,cut off the tip and put it over the cigarette,and continued smokeing.

Lady 1: What's that?
Lady 2:A condom.This way my cigarette dose'nt get wet.
~~~~
Lady 1:Where did you get it?
Lady2: You can get them from any drug store.
~~~~
The next day,lady 1 hobbles to the nearest drug store and ask's the drug store attendant for a box of condoms.
The attendant obviously embarrassed,look's at her kinda strangely ask's what brand she prefers.

Lady 1 Dose'nt matter, young man as long as they fit a camel.

The drugstore attendant faint's......

2007-06-26 10:06:24 · 18 answers · asked by "!" 5

Three traveling salesmen get a motel room. The clerk charged them $30. So each man payed $10. After they go to the room, the clerk realized that he charged too much. The room was supposed to be only $25. So he gave $5 to the bell boy and told him to refund it to the salesmen. The bell boy gave each man $1 back and kept the remaining $2 for a tip. That means each man paid $9.
9 x 3 = 27 plus the 2 the bellboy kept adds to only 29. Where did the last dollar go to make $30?

2007-06-26 09:32:27 · 10 answers · asked by Mr T 4

How many three cent stamps are in a dozen?

2007-06-26 09:30:27 · 9 answers · asked by Mr T 4

A guys walks into a bar, sees an attactive women sitting alone.He walk over to the women and says: " i have the coolest watch!" The women replies: "Why?"--- it can tell if a women is wearing panties....and it says you are not wearing panties!
Women replies you watch must be broken, sorry for you i am wearing panties.
Guy replies.....damn this watch is an hour ahead!!!!

2007-06-26 09:29:15 · 9 answers · asked by candiefloss_2000za 2

Two bodies have I
Though both joined in one.
The more still I stand
The quicker I run.
What am I?

2007-06-26 09:27:49 · 13 answers · asked by Mr T 4

A white dove flew down by the castle. Along came a king and picked it up handless, ate it up toothless, and carried it away wingless.

2007-06-26 09:09:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

1.True or False- The Mercedes SLR is co-made by McLaren?
2.What is the name of the Hearts F.C. manager?
3.True or False-In 'the Pursuit of Happyness', Christopher is Will Smith's real son
4.True or False-Band, The Killers are from California
5.True or False-Franz Ferdinand have released 1 album
6.True or Flase-Bullseye was hosted by Jim Bowen
7.Edinburgh Capitals home ground is the Murrayfield Ice Rink
8.Steven Pressley signed for Celtic in 2006

2007-06-26 08:31:34 · 16 answers · asked by danjambo 2

not that funny but i'll post it anyway!

women eh?they wear false eyelashes,false tan,false nails,even false breasts(padded bras and the like).
then they have the cheek to say they cant find a REAL man!!!!!

2007-06-26 08:31:05 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three Blondes were all applying for the last available position on the Texas Highway Patrol.

The detective conducting the interview looked at the three of them and said, "So y'all want to be cops, huh?"

The blondes all nodded.



The detective got up, opened a file drawer and pulled out a folder. Sitting back down, he opened it and pulled out a picture, and said, "To be a detective, you have to be able to detect. You must be able to notice things such as distinguishing features and oddities, such as scars and so forth." So saying, he stuck the photo in the face of the first blonde and withdrew it after about two seconds.

"Now," he said, "did you notice any distinguishing features about this man ?"

The blonde immediately said, "Yes, I did. He has only one eye!"

The detective shook his head and said, "Of course he has only one eye in this picture! It's a profile of his face! You're dismissed!"

The first blonde hung her head and walked out of the office.

The detective then turned to the second blonde, stuck the photo in her face for two seconds, pulled it back and said, "What about you? Notice anything unusual or outstanding about this man?"

"Yes! He only has one ear!"

The detective put his head in his hands and exclaimed, "Didn't you hear what I just told the other lady? This is a profile of the man's face! Of course you can only see one ear!! You're excused too!"

The second blonde sheepishly walked out of the office.

The detective turned his attention to the third and last blonde and said, "This is probably a waste of time, but..." He flashed the photo in her face for a couple of seconds and withdrew it, saying, "All right, did you notice anything distinguishing or unusual about this man?"

The blonde said, "I sure did. This man wears contact lenses."

The detective frowned, took another look at the picture and began looking at some of the papers in the folder.

He looked up at the blonde with a puzzled _expression and said, "You're absolutely right! His bio says he wears contacts! How in the world could you

tell that by looking at his picture?"

The blonde rolled her eyes and said, "Well, Helloooo! With only one eye and one ear, he certainly can't wear glasses

2007-06-26 08:03:05 · 12 answers · asked by Ab 2

Three lawyers and three engineers were traveling by train to the same meeting. At the station, the lawyers each buy a ticket but the engineers buy just one. When asked why, the engineers coyly said "You'll see."

They all board the train, the lawyers taking seats, but the three engineers all crowding into the bathroom. After the train has left, the conductor comes around and takes the lawyers tickets and knocks on the bathroom door and says, "Ticket Please." An arm stretches out from the bathroom and the
conductor takes the proffered ticket. The lawyers were very impressed.

On the return trip, the lawyers proposed to emulate the gearheads and bought only one ticket. To their amazement, the engineers bought no ticket at all. When asked, the engineers said, "You'll see."

All board the train and the lawyers and engineers cram into separate bathrooms to await the conductor. After a few minutes,
one of the gearheads emerges from the bathroom, goes over to the lawyers' bathroom, knocks on the door and says: "Ticket
please."

2007-06-26 07:42:26 · 20 answers · asked by freakokalam 2

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one

2007-06-26 06:33:05 · 23 answers · asked by Michael N 6

In 2011 January 1st, at 11:11 p.m. (or a.m.) what will happen?

2007-06-26 06:27:26 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-26 06:17:20 · 16 answers · asked by jay 1

Answer: There are no dental records and the DNA is all the same!

2007-06-26 05:48:05 · 14 answers · asked by tangerine 7

you know if you firm this up, we could get rid of your girdle furious she bites her lip and says nothing
next morning, the man wakes his wife by pinching her breast and says if you firm these up we could get rid of your bra
no longer able to contain herself the wife grabs her husbands willey,
gripping it hard she says; you know, if you firmed this up we could get rid of the postman, the milkman, the gardener and your brother

2007-06-26 05:45:07 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was found murdered one Sunday morning.
His wife immediately called the police.
The police questioned the wife and staff and was given these alibis:
The Wife said she was in bed reading a book.
The Cook claimed she cooking breakfast.
The Gardener claimed he was planting seeds.
The Maid claimed she was getting the mail.
The Butler claimed he polishing the silver.

The police instantly arrested the murderer. Who did it and how did they know?

2007-06-26 04:53:16 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous