Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Is the Fairie Godmother just someone who gets her kicks from helping out? ..OR.. Is she running a Crime Syndicate while dressed in he jammies? Just WHAT does she get in exchange for making wishes come true?
You decide today on Y!A Court!!!!

2007-06-27 02:43:15 · 4 answers · asked by cme2bleve 5

Once at the time of the world war, the Germans were looting all villages, of food, wine and women. Before they could enter one such village, the villagers decide to scoot, except for one young man, who had a 90 year old grandmother. So the soldiers found the one occupied house and tore inside. "Bring us some food!" they demanded.

The young man said, "But I have only half a loaf of bread."

"War is War, bring us the food!"

So he gives his last morsel of food.

"Bring us some wine!"

"But I doubt if there is any in the house, you know how things are these days!"

"War is War, bring us the wine!"

So the young man manages half a bottle and gives it to them.

"Now, bring us a woman!"

"But everyone has left the village. The only female presence here is my 90 year old grandmother!!"

"War is War, bring her to us!"

The old woman is brought and she's so frail and weak that the soldiers decide against it and say, "We'll let you off this time.'"

Granny says, "The hell you will, War is War!!"

2007-06-27 02:38:29 · 30 answers · asked by Anonymous

An Army ranger was deployed to Afghanistan. While he was there he received a letter from his girlfriend.

In the letter she explained that she had slept with two guys while he had been gone, she wanted to break up and she wants the pictures of herself back.

So the Ranger does what any squared away Ranger would do. He went around to his buddies and collected all the unwanted photos of women he could find. He then mailed about 25 pictures to his girlfriend with the following note:

"I'm sorry I can't remember which one you are, but please take the one that belongs to you and send the rest back. Thank you."

2007-06-27 01:42:01 · 19 answers · asked by mistincat 3

My fave at the moment is:
What is orange and sounds like Parrot??






Carrot

2007-06-27 01:31:35 · 9 answers · asked by laylafletcher 3

She was found face down in Ricki Lake..Boom, Boom..

2007-06-27 01:11:47 · 28 answers · asked by mistincat 3

This woman dies and goes to heaven. While waiting in line, she hears this terrible screaming and moaning. This disturbs her somewhat, so she tracks down St. Peter to find out what is going on. "Oh, that," he says, "that's just the woman in front of you. They are drilling holes in her back to attach her wings." The woman is still a bit upset by this and is pondering her position when the screaming starts again. This time it is louder and more blood curdling than before. She calls St. Peter over again to find out what is happening to the woman now. "Oh, that," he says, "they're just drilling holes in her head to attach the halo." The woman decides that she wants out and tells St. Peter that she has changed her mind and wants to be sent to hell. "Are you sure you want to go there?" he says. "It's a terrible place, you'll end up getting sodomized and raped and even worse!" "That's okay" says the woman, "I already have the holes for that!"

2007-06-27 00:25:59 · 13 answers · asked by ? 2

Two pieces of string walk into a bar and the bartender looks at them suspiciously. He says "Sorry, boys, we don't serve your kind here." So the pieces of string walk out again.
They're sitting in the gutter outside and feeling really thirsty when one piece of string says "Hey! I've got an idea to get me into the bar."
So he starts twisting and turning, wriggling this way and that, pulling out a few threads here and there. His mate's looking at him and thinks he's gone completely nuts.
Then the piece of string walks back into the bar. The bartender looks at him a little suspiciously again and says "Here, you're not a bit of string, are you?"
The piece of string replies "No, I'm a frayed knot."

A nun in full black habit is walking past a bar when a drunk stumbles out, sees her, and punches her square in the nose. Before she can scream, he lands a sloppy one-two and an uppercut. When she goes down, he starts kicking her with his scuffed business shoes. As a crowd gathers, the drunk stops, staggers back, and slurs, "You're not so tough, Batman!"

2007-06-27 00:16:18 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A drunk walks into a bar and says to the bartender, "Drinks for all on me. That is including you, bartender."
The bartender follows the man's order and says, "That will be $42.50 please."
The drunk says he has no money, and the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
The next night, the same drunk comes in and orders a drink for everyone in the bar including the bartender. Again, the bartender follows the drunk's instructions and the drunk says he has no money. So the bartender slaps him around and throws him out.
On the third night he comes in, the drunk orders drinks for everyone except the bartender.
The bartender says, "What, no drink for me?"
"Oh, no. You get violent when you drink."

2007-06-27 00:13:52 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check
for a pulse?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when
you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive,
nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and
practicing law.

2007-06-26 22:50:04 · 13 answers · asked by GIGGS is OO7 © 6

Swim for it!

2007-06-26 22:49:10 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Get another to shout "Bingo".

2007-06-26 22:41:25 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman arrived at the Gates of Heaven. While she was waiting for Saint
Peter to greet her, she peeked through the gates.

She saw a beautiful banquet table. Sitting all around were her parents
and
All the other people she had loved and who had died before her. They saw
her
And began calling greetings to her "Hello - How are you! We've been
waiting for you! Good to see you."

When Saint Peter came by, the woman said to him, "This is such a
wonderful
place! How do I get in?" "You have to spell a word," Saint Peter told
her.

"Which word?" the woman asked.

"Love."

The woman correctly spelled "Love" and Saint Peter welcomed her into
Heaven.

About a year later, Saint Peter came to the woman and asked her to watch
The Gates of Heaven for him that day.

While the woman was guarding the Gates of Heaven, her husband arrived.
"I'm
surprised to see you," the woman said. "How have you been?"

"Oh, I've been doing pretty well since you died," her husband told her.
"I
married the beautiful young nurse who took care of you while you were
ill.
And then I won the multi-state lottery. I sold the little house you and
I lived in and bought a huge mansion. And my wife and I traveled all
around the world.
We were on vacation in Cancun and I went water skiing today. I fell and
hit my head, and here I am. What a bummer! How do I get in?"


"You have to spell a word," the woman told him.

"Which word?" her husband asked.

"Czechoslovakia."

Moral of the story: Never make a woman angry... There will be Hell to
pay
later!

2007-06-26 22:26:41 · 9 answers · asked by kumar v 3

ARIES
You tend to be headstrong and deliberate in your actions. Basically you don't give a **** about anyone. Most people hate you but you couldn't care less. You're the type of person who would masturbate at a wedding.
TAURUS
Warm and caring are your most endearing characteristics. You get on well with most people because you're bisexual. You hardly ever wear underwear and you constantly smell of piss.
GEMINI
Your star sign denotes an air of duality in your character. Simply, you're a neurotic schizophrenic. A real ******* weirdo, the type of person who'd kill them self to win a bet.
CANCER
You have a businesslike attitude to life and a knack for making money. You're an unscrupulous bastard who would sell relative's limbs to buy a mobile phone. You are likely to be murdered.
LEO
The adventurous type, always looking for thrills and willing to try anything. In other words, stupid. You have the IQ of a garden snail and will never amount to anything. Most Leos are living on the welfare.
VIRGO
You like the good things in life and you know how to enjoy them. But you're prone to bullshitting and you're a cheap bastard. Virgo men are usually queers and the majority of Virgo women are whores.
LIBRA
You are the forgiving type and you don't bear grudges. This makes you an asshole. For your entire life people will make a complete prick out of you. Nobody will go to your funeral.
SCORPIO
You are sharp, a quick thinker and good at puzzles. However these are your only good traits. You screw small animals and love picking your nose. You should become a stunt performer with no helmet.
SAGITTARIUS
You are gorgeous and divine and everybody wants to be like you. However other jealous signs will say that you are the romantic mushy type, soft-hearted and a lover of the arts. You are likely to import Dutch pornography and sex toys. Men even willing to rent Sleepless In Seattle to increase your odds for a romp in the sack.
CAPRICORN
You are deep and personal in your thoughts, the quiet type. A mean self-centered **** and a closet homosexual. Your best friend is probably an altar boy.
AQUARIUS
You are the academic type and will probably end up working in the legal system. This means you are an absolute pervert, at the least a transvestite. Your ideal sexual partner is a Labrador puppy wearing fishnet tights.
PISCES
You are the eternal optimist, seeing the best of any situation. You have no grasp of reality and live in a dream world. Most people consider you to be the greatest living moron. You will continually fail. You're a prick.

2007-06-26 20:18:02 · 9 answers · asked by goryrory1986 1

a postman who has worked the same street for 40 years is retiring, some of the residents decide to give him a gift for his long service. whife in no2 asks hubby what she could do, hubby says ,give him a box of my cuban cigars. wife in no 4 asks her hubby same question, hubby says give him the golfclubs i got but never used and $100. wife in no6 asks hubby same question, hubby says fcuk him, give him a dollor, cos nobody gave me anythin when i retired. the postman goes to house no2 gets his cigars and cries. them he gets golfclubs and $100 from no4 and cries some more. he get to no6 a blond greets him with nothing on, she brings him in and go upstairs to have the most mind blowing sex the postman has ever had. when they are done he comes down to a bueatiful breakfast, he just cant believe his luck. he then asks why there is a silver dollor under his cup, the blond says that she asked her hubby what she could do he said fcuk him give him a dollor, but the breakfast was my idea!!

2007-06-26 20:03:45 · 17 answers · asked by josey 3

Chinese Detective

A man suspected his wife of seeing another man.

So, he hired a famous chinese detective, Mr. Sui Tansow Pok, to watch and report any activities that might develop.

A few days later, he recieved this report:

Most honorable sir:

You leave house.

He come house.

I watch.

He and she leave house.

I follow.

He and she get on train.

I follow.

He and she go in hotel.

I climb tree-look in window.

He kiss she.

She kiss he.

He strip she.

She strip he.

He play with she.

She play with he.

I play with me. Fall out of tree, not see, no fee!

2007-06-26 19:52:04 · 13 answers · asked by goryrory1986 1

No offence to women, I'm a chick too but I found this really hilarious...

Does anyone know what would happen if the earth rotated 30 times faster than
it does today ??



We would get our paycheck everyday, and all women would bleed to death...

2007-06-26 18:56:23 · 10 answers · asked by angel 4

Not a hard laughing joke. Probably old.

President Bush, the First Lady and Dick Cheney were flying on Air Force One. George looked at Laura, chuckled and said, "You know, I could throw a $1,000.00 bill out of the window right now and make somebody very happy."

Laura shrugged her shoulders and replied, "I could throw ten $100.00 bills out of the window and make ten people very happy."

Cheney added, "That being the case, I could throw one hundred $10.00 bills out of the window and make a hundred people very happy."

Hearing their exchange, the pilot rolled his eyes and said to his co-pilot, "Such big-shots back there. Hell, I could throw all of them out of the window and make millions of people very happy."

2007-06-26 17:02:05 · 17 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Call this number 641-985-7805 ASAP!!! (this is hilarious!)

2007-06-26 17:00:55 · 5 answers · asked by flyhighrn 3

A husband emerged from the bathroom naked and was climbing into bed when his wife complained, as usual, "I have a headache."

"Perfect," her husband said. "I was just in the bathroom powdering my penis with aspirin.

You can take it orally, or as a suppository, it's up to you."

2007-06-26 16:57:29 · 14 answers · asked by Lindzey 2

A judge was interviewing a woman regarding her pending divorce, and asked, "What are the grounds for your divorce?"

She replied, "About four acres and a nice little home in the middle of the property with a stream running by."

"No," he said, "I mean what is the foundation of this case?"

"It is made of concrete, brick and mortar," she responded.

"I mean," he continued, "What are your relations like?"

"I have an aunt and uncle living here in town, and so do my husband's parents."

He said, "Do you have a real grudge?"

"No," she replied, "We have a two-car carport and have never really needed one."

"Please," he tried again, "is there any infidelity in your marriage?"

"Yes, both my son and daughter have stereo sets. We don't necessarily like the music, but the answer to your questions is yes."

"Ma'am, does your husband ever beat you up?"

"Yes," she responded, "about twice a week he gets up earlier than I do."

Finally, in frustration, the judge asked, "Lady, why do you want a divorce?"

"Oh, I don't want a divorce," she replied. "I've never wanted a divorce. My husband does. He said he can't communicate with me!"

2007-06-26 16:52:49 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Big Issue?"

2007-06-26 16:51:45 · 19 answers · asked by kangaroo 4

Mrs. Smith said, "You know, Mrs. Jones, I'm tired of things being so boring around here! I'm going to shake things up a little; so, do you know what I'm going to do?"

"What? What are you going to do, Mrs. Smith?" asked Mrs. Jones.

"I'm going to take off ALL my clothes and go streaking through the dining room!"

"Really, Mrs. Smith?!? You're going to take off ALL your clothes and go streaking through the dining room, totally naked?!?"

"You bet I am," said Mrs. Smith. Before you know it, she did just what she said she would do. She took off all her clothes and went streaking through the dining room! As she ran out the door, she ran past two old gentlemen.

"Who was that?" asked the first gentleman.

"I'm not sure, but I think it was Mrs. Smith," replied the second.

"Mrs. Smith?" asked the first. "What was she wearing?"

The second gentleman replied, "I don't know, but it sure needed ironing!"

2007-06-26 16:51:14 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tourist in Vienna is going through a graveyard and all of a sudden he hears some music. No one is around, so he starts searching for the source. He finally locates the origin and finds it is coming from a grave with a headstone that reads "Ludwig van Beethoven, 1770-1827". Then he realizes that the music is the Ninth Symphony and it is being played backward!

Puzzled, he leaves the graveyard and persuades a friend to return with him. By the time they arrive back at the grave, the music has changed. This time it is the Seventh Symphony, but like the previous piece, it is being played backward.

Curious, the men agree to consult a music scholar. When they return with the expert, the Fifth Symphony is playing, again backward. The expert notices that the symphonies are being played in the reverse order in which they were composed, the 9th, then the 7th, then the 5th.

By the next day the word has spread and a crowd has gathered around the grave.

2007-06-26 16:49:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.

'Billy.'

'And what is your question, Billy?

'I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?'

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right question time. Who has a question?"

Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.

'Steve'

'And what is your question, Steve?'

'I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go off 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f... happened to Billy?'

2007-06-26 16:48:21 · 13 answers · asked by Lindzey 2

One day Little Johnny was on the school bus and he was sitting right behind the bus driver and he was saying to himself, "If my daddy was a lion and my mommy was a lion then I would be a baby lion." He kept on talking to himself like this.

After 10 minutes of this, the bus driver had enough of it and said, "What would happen if your daddy was a drunk and your mommy was a whore?" Little Johnny replied, "Then I would be a bus driver."

2007-06-26 16:43:03 · 9 answers · asked by Lindzey 2

A woman sat on a plane heading for New York, when the pilot announces that because of difficulties with the plane's engines, he must make an emergency landing.

The woman, fearing that this may be the end of her life looks over to a man sitting next to her and rips her shirt off and bra off, and throws herself on him.

"Make me feel like a woman again!" she screamed. So the man rips his shirt off and hands it to her. "Here you go, you crazy *****, iron this."

2007-06-26 16:40:58 · 14 answers · asked by Lindzey 2

The Twins

A woman, who was pregnant with twins, got into a car accident and went into a coma... She was rushed to the hospital where doctors delivered her twins to save them. But as she was in a coma and her husband was overseas on business, her brother was the only one present to name her children.


When she came out of the coma, hours after arriving at the hospital and found out that her brother had named the twins, she was very worried. Her brother was not very bright, and she didn't think he would have done a very good job of choosing her kids' names.


When he came in to see her she asked, "So what names did you choose for my children?"

He replied, "The first born was a girl."

"Oh," started the woman, "and what did you name her??"

"Denise," answered her brother.

The woman was very surprised, and very pleased, "Hey, that's not half bad!" She exclaimed to her brother. "And what did you name the second child?" She waited excitedly to hear the name her brother had chosen for the other child.

"Well, the next born was a boy," her brother informed her.

"Yes, and what did you name him??" inquired the woman.

Replied the brother,


"Denephew."

2007-06-26 16:38:00 · 17 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

i need some laughter today

2007-06-26 16:03:58 · 15 answers · asked by Dee D 2

2007-06-26 15:58:17 · 33 answers · asked by Anonymous

And what was the outcome?

2007-06-26 15:44:58 · 21 answers · asked by Jonny Q 1