Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A very handsome and confident man walked in to a bar,and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman,he gives he a quick glance, and looks at his watch...

The woman noticed and said " Is your date running late"

No! he replies, I've just bought this state-of-the-art watch and I was just testing it"

The woman asks "Why is the watch so special"?

"It uses alpha waves and telepathically talks to me" says the man.

"We'll whats it telling you now? she asks

"Well its says your wearing no panties? the man replied.

The woman giggles and say" It must be broken as I am wearing panties?

The man tap's the face of the watch and explains " Damn thing must be an hour fast"......"

2007-06-26 01:16:41 · 12 answers · asked by Sparky 3

To this question....

2007-06-26 01:09:46 · 31 answers · asked by james845257 2

Husband: "When I get mad at you, you never fight back. How do you control
your anger?"

Wife: "I clean the toilet ."

Husband: "How does that help?"

Wife: "I use your toothbrush."

*star if you like:-)

2007-06-26 01:07:36 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Forgive me father for I have sinned"

"What was the nature of your sin?"

"I called a man a B-stard Father"

"Why on earth would you do that?"

"Because he took my clothes off Father"

"Come outside of the confession box" says the priest

"you mean like this" says the priest as he removes the womans clothes

"Yes Father"

"well thats no reason to call a man a B-stard"

"But then he laid me down on the ground"

"What like this" said the priest as he laid her down

"Yes Father"

"Thats no reason to call a man a B-stard" said the priest

"No father, but then he had sexual intercourse with me"

"You mean like this" said the priest as he slid his manhood into her

"Yes father"

"Thats no reason to call a man a B-stard"

"No father, but then he told me he had Aids"

"You B-stard!" said the priest

2007-06-26 00:51:36 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

What do you expect from such simple creatures? Your last Name stays put. The garage is all yours. Wedding plans take care of themselves. Chocolate is just another snack. You can be President. You can never get pregnant. You can wear a white T-shirt to a water park. Heck, you can wear NO shirt to a water park.

Car mechanics tell you the truth. The world is your urinal you never have to drive to another gas station rest-room because this one is just too icky. You don't have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt. Same work, more pay. Wrinkles add character. Wedding dress: $5000.00. Tux rental: $100.00. People never stare at your chest when you're talking to them. The occasional well-rendered belch is not only appreciated by your friends, but practically expected.

New shoes don't cut, blister, or mangle your feet. One mood all the time. Phone conversations are over in 30 seconds flat. You know stuff about tanks A five-day vacation requires only one suitcase.

2007-06-26 00:37:53 · 17 answers · asked by PC 7

An old man lived alone in Minnesota. He wanted to spade his potato garden, but it was very hard work. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison. The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his situation.
Dear Son, I am feeling pretty bad because it looks like I won't be able to plant my potato garden this year. I hate to miss doing the garden, because your mother always loved planting time. I'm just getting too old to be digging up a garden plot.
If you were here, all my troubles would be over. I know you would dig the plot for me, if you weren't in prison.Love, Dad
Shortly, the old man received this telegram: "For Heaven's sake, Dad, don't dig up the garden!! That's where I buried the GUNS At 4a.m. the next morning
A dozen FBI agents and local police officers showed up and dug up the entire garden without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asked him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Go ahead and plant your potatoes, Dad. It's the best I could dofor you from here."


- Moral Of the Story -

NO MATTER WHERE YOU ARE IN THE WORLD, IF YOU HAVE DECIDED TO DO SOMETHING DEEP FROM YOUR HEART, YOU CAN DO IT. IT IS THE THOUGHT THAT MATTERS NOT WHERE YOU ARE OR WHERE THE PERSON IS.

2007-06-25 23:51:08 · 15 answers · asked by shami742003 1

Left or Right???

2007-06-25 23:48:35 · 23 answers · asked by smudge 3

Firstly: an engagement ring
Secondly: a wedding ring
Thirdly: the suffering

2007-06-25 23:39:41 · 5 answers · asked by Andy F 5

2007-06-25 23:39:05 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Ok, you are on the final round of a popular TV game show.
The host stands in front of three doors.
Behind one is a brand-new, luxury estate car, behind the other two are b00by prizes (dead mackerel).

[1]_____[2]_____[3]


Now, he asks you to pick a door


[1]_____[2]_____[3]
/\


He then opens one of the others to reveal; = a mackerel.


[1]_____[@<]_____[3]
/\

Now do you switch or stay with your choice? Or does it matter?
(You have no way of finding out and you carn't ask etc.)



First correct answer with explanation gets the points.

Star and I might do some more :).

2007-06-25 23:37:53 · 18 answers · asked by ben_m_g 4

One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present. The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go ahead and preach.

The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."

So the minister began his sermon.

One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.

The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart, but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up, I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay..."

2007-06-25 23:30:16 · 10 answers · asked by ? 2

Do you know, How a couple behaves after and before marriage.

Before the marriage :
-----------------
He : Yes. At last. It was so hard to wait.
She: Do you want me to leave?
He : NO! Don't even think about it.
She: Do you love me ?
He : Of course!
She: Have you ever cheated on me?
He : NO! Why you even asking?
She: Will you kiss me?
He : Yes!
She: Will you hit me?
He : No way! I'm not such kind of person!
She: Can I trust you?
He : Yes.
----------------

Now, After the marriage, you can read it from below to up,
But start with second last line :-) !!!!

******

2007-06-25 23:23:27 · 37 answers · asked by Anonymous

BELIEVE it or not , these are REAL 911 Calls!


Dispatcher : 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller: I heard what sounded like gunshots coming from the brown house on the corner.
Dispatcher: Do you have an address?
Caller: No, I have on a blouse and slacks, why?


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is your emergency?
Caller : Someone broke into my house and took a bite out of my ham and cheese sandwich .
Dispatcher : Excuse me?
Caller : I made a ham and cheese sandwich and left it on the kitchen table and when I came back from the bathroom, someone had taken a bite out of it.
Dispatcher : Was anything else taken?
Caller : No, but this has happened to me before and I'm sick and tired of it!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What is the nature of your emergency?
Caller: I'm trying to reach nine eleven but my phone doesn't have an eleven on it.
Dispatcher: This is nine eleven.
Caller: I thought you just said it was nine-one-one
Dispatcher: Yes, ma'am nine-one-one and nine-eleven are the same thing.
Caller: Honey, I may be old, but I'm not stupid.


Dispatcher: 9-1-1 What's the nature of your emergency?
Caller: My wife is pregnant and her contractions are only two minutes apart
Dispatcher: Is this her first child?
Caller: No, you idiot! This is her husband!


Dispatcher: 9-1-1
Caller: Yeah, I'm having trouble breathing. I'm all out of breath. Darn....I think I'm going to pass out.
Dispatcher: Sir, where are you calling from?
Caller: I'm at a pay phone. North and Foster.
Dispatcher: ! Sir, an ambulance is on the way. Are you an asthmatic?
Caller: No
Dispatcher: What were you doing before you started having trouble breathing?
Caller: Running from the Police.

2007-06-25 22:48:52 · 12 answers · asked by ? 2

Goes to the doctor because he wants to cure his stammer.
The doctor has a look and tells him his problem is that his member is too long and he will need to have 9 inches removed.

"wil thththththat sssssssssolve thththththe pppppppproblem, "says the man

It will says the doctor and I'll do the operation right now.

One week later the stammer free man is in bed with his wife, she complains about the lack of size and tells him she would rather listen to the stammer then lose her enjoyment.You must go to the doctor and get the 9 inches back again.

The stammer free man goes to the doctor and tells him he has to have the 9 inches sewn back on.

The doctor says "Ssssssssssorry your tttttttttoooooo llllllllate"

2007-06-25 22:39:25 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The police man approaches the driver's door.

"Is there a problem Officer?"

The policeman says, "Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?"

The driver responds, "I'd give it to you but I don't have one."

"You don't have one?"

The man responds, "I lost it four times for drink driving."

The policeman is shocked. "I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?"


"I'm sorry, I can't do that."

The policeman says, "Why not?"

"I stole this car."

The officer says, "Stole it?"

The man says, "Yes, and I killed the owner."

At this point the officer is getting irate. "You what!?"

"She's in the boot if you want to see."

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

The senior officer says "Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!"

The man steps out of his vehicle. "Is there a problem sir?"

"One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner."

"Murdered the owner?"

The officer responds, "Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?"

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, "Is this your car sir?"

The man says "Yes," and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. "One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence."

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. "Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner."

The man replies, "I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!"

2007-06-25 22:29:24 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A tourist is picked up by a cabbie in New York on a dark night. The passenger taps the driver on the shoulder to ask him something.

The driver screams, loses control of the car, nearly hits a bus, drives up on the sidewalk, and stops inches from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look friend, don't EVER do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!"

The passenger apologizes and says he didn't realize that a "little tap" could scare him so much.

The driver, after gathering himself together replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault.

Today is my first day as a cab driver - I've been driving hearses for the last 25 years!

Hearses are people who drive confin to graves etc

2007-06-25 22:27:55 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Young boy starts work in the chemist.
His first female customer asks for a jar of face cream.
The boy reples "It's on the counter, get it yourself"

The manager overhearing this quickly steps in and rebukes the boy for his lack of manners and asks him to listen to how the manager handles the customer.

"Madam, your beauty is my duty" says the manager.
The boy says "Oh I get it, you put a bit of poetry into it?"
"well something like that "says the manager "Just be polite"

The second customer for the boy requests a pack of sanitary towels.

The boy hesitates for a little while then replies
"Don't go away, I'll be back in a flash with a sash for your gash"

2007-06-25 22:23:32 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Kerryman walked into a Cork bar with a parrot on his shoulder.He walked up 2 the barman and orders a pint. The barman got him the drink and says-"He's lovely, where did u get him??" I got him in Killarney, there's thousands of them there, says the parrot!!!Anyone got any others?

2007-06-25 22:21:04 · 1 answers · asked by SIR TJM 5

??????????

2007-06-25 22:08:28 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Obi-Wan Kenobi and Luke Skywalker are in a Chinese restaurant having a meal together. After a considerable amount of time watching Luke trying to get to grips with using chopsticks, Obi-Wan loses his temper and shouts.. "Use the forks Luke."

2007-06-25 21:41:49 · 10 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

Fuel Crisis
A man was driving down the road and ran out of petrol. Just at that moment, a bee flew in his window.
The bee said, "What seems to be the problem"?
"I'm out of petrol."
The bee told the man to wait right there and flew away.
Minutes later, the man watched as an entire swarm of bees flew to his car and into his petrol tank.
After a few minutes, the bees flew out.
"Try it now," said one bee.
The man turned the ignition key and the car-started right up.
"Wow!" the man exclaimed. "What did you put in my petrol tank"?
The bee answered, "BP."

2007-06-25 21:40:46 · 13 answers · asked by HomerJay 2

After having their 11th child, a Liverpool couple decided that was
enough, as the social wouldn't buy them a bigger bed and they weren't
strong enough to nick one. The husband went to his doctor and told him
that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children. The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a firework, light it,
put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The Scouser said to the doctor, "I may not be the smartest guy in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to
my ear is going to help me." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the
doctor. So the man went home, lit a banger and put it in a beer can. He held
the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which
point he paused, placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in Middlesbrough,
parts of Bradford and anywhere in Wales.

2007-06-25 21:13:28 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A soldier ran up to a nun. Out of breath he asked,
"Please, may I hide under your skirt. I'll explain later."

The nun agreed. A moment later two Military Police
ran up and asked, Sister, have you seen a soldier?"

The nun replied, "He went that way."

After the MP's ran off, the soldier crawled out
from under her skirt and said, "I can't thank you
enough Sister. You see, I don't want to go to Iraq."

The nun said, "I understand completely."

The soldier added, "I hope I'm not rude, but you
have a great pair of legs!"

The nun replied, "If you had looked a little hi gher,
you would have seen a great pair of balls....
I don't want to go to Iraq either."

2007-06-25 21:12:38 · 25 answers · asked by vanessa 3

....a family friend u don't know well was standing there just as you walked out BUTT NAKED??

would u...

A) blush red, grab a newspaper nearby to cover urself, and slowly tiptoe backwards down the hall to ur room.

B) say "why not take a picture it would last longer" & walk confidently down the hall to ur room.

C) panic and scream "EEEK!!!", cover yourself with your hands immediately and run down the hallway to ur room, bare buns bouncing behind u!!!

Which would u choose and WHY?

2007-06-25 17:58:24 · 17 answers · asked by james11109809 1

star if u like plz


A young man was lost wandering in a forest, when he came upon a small house. He knocked on the door and was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter, I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man."

"Ok," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house.

Before dinner, the daughter came down the stairs. She was young,beautiful, and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man since she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning, he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during he night, he could bear it no longer, and sneaked into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear. Near dawn he crept back to his room, exhausted, but happy.

He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read, "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest." "Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read: "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the rope that was already getting close to the end. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read, "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost."

2007-06-25 17:29:44 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Say anything to make me laugh, and don't go over the line.

2007-06-25 16:55:48 · 31 answers · asked by LaBella 2

A guy stuck his head into the door of a barber shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop full of customers and said, "About two hours."

The guy left.

A few days later the same guy stuck his head in the door and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around at the shop and said, "About three hours.”

The guy left.

A week later the same guy stuck his head in the shop and asked, "How long before I can get a haircut?"

The barber looked around the shop and said, "About an hour and a half."

The guy left.

The barber turned to a friend and said, "Hey, Bill, do me a favor and follow that guy and see where he goes. He keeps asking how long he has to wait for a haircut, but then he doesn't ever come back."

A little while later Bill returned to the shop, laughing hysterically.

The barber asked, "So where does that guy go when he leaves?"

Bill looked up, tears in his eyes...

2007-06-25 16:30:19 · 21 answers · asked by dont_know_4_sure 2

A five-year old boy is at the zoo with his mother, looking at an elephant.

The boy points at the elephant and asks, "Mommy, what's that?"
"That's an elephant, dear."
"But what's that hanging down?"
"That's his trunk, dear."
"No, at the other end."
"Why, that's his tail."
"I mean what's that between his legs?"
"That's nothing," says his mom, "Let's go!"

A week later the same boy is at the zoo with his father, looking at the same elephant.

"Look daddy, that's an elephant!" says the boy.
"Thats right," says his dad.
"And that's his trunk!"
"Right again."
"And that's his tail!"
"Smart boy!" says dad, turning to leave.
"Wait Daddy," the boy says, tugging his sleeve ang pointing between the elephant's hind legs, "Mommy says that's nothing!"

"Well, son, your mother's been spoiled."

2007-06-25 14:49:59 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

i am 20 years old and i was wondering if it was easy to obtain a birth certificate. I need it to get married and my drivers license....and ideas will be helpful

2007-06-25 14:46:06 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Rabbi, a Priest and a Giraffe walked into a pub in North Sussex UK. Immediately the rabbi notices Newcastle on draught and begins to salivate. The priest took notice of some young girls sitting at the bar quitely chatting and so he began to salivate. The giraffe feeling out of place in a bar and not in Africa or at a zoo or something makes a b-line straight for the bartender and asks for a beer, any beer. The bartender says "Ok, do you want a longneck?" And the giraffe says "You mean I have a choice?"

2007-06-25 14:30:25 · 5 answers · asked by Silly Steve 3