Can you make me laugh???

Question

Say anything to make me laugh, and don't go over the line.

Answer 1

"I was married 3 times," explained the man to a newly discovered drinking partner, "and I'll never marry again. My first two wives died of eating poison mushrooms and my third wife died of a fractured skull."

"That's a shame," said his friend. "How did it happen?"

"She wouldn't eat the mushrooms."

Answer 2

 Sir Bertram was tired, and his horse was sore as well. He had ridden a long way on his
quest, and the sun was low on the horizon. Dark clouds loomed on the horizon, and his armor
was starting to chafe. Then he spotted his quarry.

In a clearing beside a dark cave was a dragon. The dragon had a name, Malgrim. It was jet
black, with small pieces of onyx set into its hide. Black smoke roiled from its snout, licked by
flames. Small horns twitched above its earslits, and Malgrim rose from the prone. The dragon was
thin, like the damsels that it fed upon.

Sir Bertram spurred his weary horse to a charge. The dark clouds opened and started to
rain. Steam rose with a hiss from Malgrim’s hide whenever droplets struck. As Sir Bertram
lowered his lance, the dragon belched forth a fiery blast. The knight was merely singed, but his
horse reared and threw him. Bertram rolled down a gully, and Malgrim finished off the hapless
steed.

Unhorsed, Sir Bertram was no match for the dragon. So he traveled for hours in the rain.
At last he reached an inn, and entered.

The inn was a pleasant change from weather, for it was warm and cheery. The innkeeper
was quick to welcome his new guest. “Greetings, Sir Knight, and welcome to the Golden Lyre.
We have warm rooms for the night, and good food as well.” A large dog whimpered on a rug in
front of the hearth.

“I thank you for the offer, yet I must say nay. There is a dragon by the name of Malgrim
nearby, and he holds the Damsel Isoulde captive. I fear that he shall devour her in the morning, as
is his wont. I must ask for a horse, instead.”

“Oh, I am afraid that I cannot help you with that good Sir. For I know of this dragon. You
are not the first knight to visit us, and none have returned.” The innkeep replied. The large dog
scratched his ear.

Sir Bertram spoke with emphasis, “I do not mean to borrow, for I have gold. I will pay for
the horse. There will be no risk to you, old man.”

The innkeep shook his head. “You do not understand. There are no horses left. Nor mules,
ponies, or other steeds. They have all been purchased by others in the past few days. Not one
beast remains in my stable.” With this, the large dog sits up and starts to bite at fleas.

Sir Bertram looks at the dog in amazement. “Certainly that is the largest dog that I have
ever seen! Its legs are as thick as trees. It is large enough to ride into battle. Could I purchase the
dog?”

The innkeeper shakes his head. “No, the dog is not for sale. He is old, and barely moves
from the rug. He has fleas, and whines. Not only that, Fluffy is a coward.” Thunder booms and
the dog drops to place its paws over its head, whimpering.

Sir Bertram becomes louder as he explains. “This is a matter of life and death. I must save
the Lady Isoulde tonight. Even the thought of ridicule by my fellows shall not deter me. I must
ride into battle, tonight.”

The innkeeper remained calm, and simply said “Even I cannot send a knight out on a dog
like this.”

Answer 3

i can try...


A middle-aged couple had two beautiful daughters but
always talked about having a son. They decided to try
one last time for the son they always wanted. The wife
got pregnant and delivered a healthy baby boy. The
joyful father rushed to the nursery to see his new
son. He was horrified at the ugliest child he had ever
seen. He told his wife, "There's no way I can be the
father of this baby. Look at the two beautiful
daughters I fathered! Have you been fooling around
behind my back?" The wife smiled sweetly and replied,
"Not this time!"






BEFORE MARRIAGE:


He: "Yes. At last. I was waiting for this
opportunity."

She: "Do you want me to leave?"

He: "NO! Don't even think about it."

She: "Do you love me?"

He: "Of course!"

She: "Have you ever cheated on me?"

He: "NO! Why you even asking?"

She: "Will you kiss me?"

He:" Yes!"

She:" Will you hit me?"

He: "No way! I'm not that kind of person!"

She: "Can I trust you?"


For AFTER MARRIAGE.... read the lines from bottom to
top.





A drunk guy is walking down the street. He sees this nun, runs up and knocks her over. He says, "You don't feel so tough now, do you, Batman!?"


A farmer just got married and was going home on his wagon pulled by a team of horses. When one of the hoses stumbled, he said, "That's once."
Then it stumbled again. He said, "That's twice."

Then later it stumbled a third time. This time, he didn't say anything, just pulled out a shotgun and shot the horse dead.

His wife cried out and started to yell at him. The farmer turned to her and said, "That's once."




A thief stuck a pistol in a man's ribs and said, "Give me your money."
The gentleman, shocked by the sudden attack, said "You cannot do this, I'm a United States Congressman!"

The thief said, "In that case, give me my money!"




there was 3 nuns talking and the 1st said
" i found a dirty magazine in the fathers room"
and the 2nd nun relpid
'' what did you do with it?'' and the 1st nun said
''i trew it in the garbage''
and the 2nd nun said
'' well that is nothing i found a box of condoms'' the 1st nun asked
'' oh my what did you so with that'' and the 2nd nun said
''i poked holes in all of them''
and the 3rd nun fainted



There was a blonde driving down the road one day. She glanced to her right and noticed another blonde sitting in a nearby field, rowing a boat with no water in sight.

The blonde angrily pulled her car over and yelled at the rowing blonde, “What do you think you're doing? It's things like this that give us blondes a bad name. If I could swim, I'd come out there and kick your butt!”




A husband and wife had four boys. The odd part of it was that the older three had red hair, light skin, and were tall, while the youngest son had black hair, dark eyes, and was short.
The father eventually took ill and was lying on his deathbed when he turned to his wife and said, "Honey, before I die, be totally honest with me - is our youngest son my child?"

The wife replied, "I swear on everything that's holy that he is your son."

With that the husband passed away. The wife then muttered, "Thank God he didn't ask about the other three."



There was magician on a cruise ship, and he was really good.
He was performing the highlight of his show when a parrot walked onstage and squawked, ''It's in his sleeve!''

The magician chased the bird away.

The next day the magician was performing his highlight again (in front of a smaller audience) when the parrot walked onstage and declared, ''It's in his pocket!''

The next day, as he was performing the highlight, he saw the parrot in the crowd. But before the parrot could ruin the magic trick, the boat crashed into a rock and sank.

The magician was lucky enough to find a board to hang on to. On the other end of the board was the parrot.

They stared at each other for three full days, neither of them saying anything, when suddenly the parrot said, ''I give up, what'd you do with the ship?''

Answer 4

There is a Blond that walks in a bar. She sits down at the bar next to a man. He is watching T.V. and she starts watching it to. Then on TV the news came on and the news lady said this man is about to fall to his death, he said "I want 5,000$ or I'm jumping! And no one bothered. The woman said "Do you think he will jump?" The man said "Yeah, he will." The lady said "Yeah well I dont think he will." The man put $20 on the bar and said "Your on!" and she said "Fine!" And the man fell to his death and she lady handed over the money. The man said "Lady, I can't take you're money, I watched the 5:00 o'clock news earlier today." The lady said, "I did to but I did'nt think he'd do it again!"

LOL! Stupid Blond. I'm a dirty blond so I guess I shouldn't be talking.

Answer 5

Hi Isabelle,

I am horrible at making people laugh, just to earn some points ^_^.
Still, whatever happened to you that caused you to need this laugh, hope it will iron over and you will be cheerful.

Wink wink ha ha God bless.

Answer 6

What's red and green and goes round and round?
a frog in a blender

What's black and white and read all over?
a newspaper

Knock Knock!
who's there?
Hutch
Hutch Who?
You'd better get rid of that cold


there were three girls
one was a blonde, one was a red head(i think) and the other girl had green hair
So a brunette comes along and asks the blond: how'd you get such blond hair? and the blonde says "it's natural" and she runs her finger through her hair. so she goes to the red head and asks how'd you get such red hair? and she says 'it's natural' and runs her fingers through her hair. So she goes to the girl with green hair and asks: how'd you get such green hair? and the green haired girl runs her fingers up he face including her nose and then to her hair and says : "it's natural"

Answer 7

http://www.bored.com/videos/ilikeyou.html

That always makes me laugh and I don't know why, even if nobody sent it to me. Also here's one that I found today that I laughed at, don't know if it's your type of humor or not but oh well.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=0bK63uSTTNs

Answer 8

How does a blond turn on the light after having sex?


She opens the car door...

Answer 9

Goonie googoo

Answer 10

nah I can't, I'm just not a funny person. But whats with that dude talking about cheese? Hmm, weird.