Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

It is early and we need to start the day off right. Can you give us a good laugh that is clean? I know, John fell in the mud puddle-what kind of a joke is that?

2007-06-27 22:34:02 · 14 answers · asked by grannywinkie 6

What does XD mean please?

I keep seeing it and its driving me nuts because people have it in a sentence im reading and i dont know what the h*ll they are talking about when they put that in.

Thanks

p.s i know this aint jokes & riddles, but there is a error on the page when you post. sorry.

2007-06-27 21:59:25 · 2 answers · asked by Fader's Girl 6

A far more accurate account of the events of that fateful morning...

Baby bear goes downstairs, sits in his small chair at the table,
and he looks into his small bowl. It is empty.

Who's been eating my porridge?" he squeaks.

Daddy Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He
looks into his big bowl and it is also empty.

"Who's been eating my porridge?!?" he roars.

Mummy Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the
kitchen and yells, "For God's sake, how many times do we have
to go through this with you idiots?

It was Mummy Bear who got up first.
It was Mummy Bear who woke everyone in the house.
It was Mummy Bear who made the coffee.
It was Mummy Bear who unloaded the dishwasher from last
night and put everything away.
It was Mummy Bear who went out in the cold early morning air to
fetch the newspaper and croissants.
It was Mummy Bear who set the damn table.
It was Mummy Bear who put the bloody cats out, cleaned the
litter boxes, gave the cats their food, and refilled their water.


And now that you've decided to drag your sorry bear-asses
downstairs and grace Mummy Bear with your grumpy presence,
listen carefully, because I'm only going to say this once....


I HAVEN'T MADE THE F***ING PORRIDGE YET!!!"

2007-06-27 21:57:18 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

I was packing for my business trip and my 3-year old daughter was having a wonderful time playing on the bed At one point she said, "Daddy, look at this," and stuck out two of her fingers.
Trying to keep her entertained, I reached out and stuck her tiny fingers in my mouth and said, "Daddy's gonna eat your fingers!" pretending to eat them before I rushed out of the room again.
When I returned, my daughter was standing on the bed staring at her fingers with a devastated look on her face.
I said, "What's wrong, honey?"
She replied, "What happened to my booger?"

2007-06-27 21:48:15 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A taxi passenger tapped the driver on the shoulder to ask him a question. The driver screamed, lost control of the car, nearly hit a bus, went up on the footpath, and stopped centimetres from a shop window.

For a second everything went quiet in the cab, then the driver said, "Look mate, don't ever do that again. You scared the daylights out of me!" The passenger apologized and said, "I didn't realize that a little tap would scare you so much. "The driver replied, "Sorry, it's not really your fault. Today is my first day as a cab driver. I've been driving a funeral van for the last 25 years."

2007-06-27 21:24:11 · 20 answers · asked by wat_more_can_i_say? 6

and its 20 minutes fast, what time is it? also what time is it if its 20 minutes slow? my brain has gone crazy, i know its an easy question, but i have a 5 year slow brain, so help me out plz

2007-06-27 19:42:57 · 20 answers · asked by Glitch 1

You're under a vest!

2007-06-27 17:36:15 · 10 answers · asked by like a fox 2

Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can't think of anything I need, $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,

Your $on

The Reply:

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,

Dad


Those are some good parents! Please show appreciation with stars! :D

2007-06-27 17:09:27 · 9 answers · asked by pitsargenaf 4

The water-proof towel

Glow in the dark sunglasses

Solar powered flashlight

Submarine screen door

A book on how to read

Inflatable dart board

A dictionary index

Powdered water

Pedal powered wheel chair

Water proof tea bags

Zero proof alcohol

Reusable ice cubes

Skinless bananas

Do it yourself roadmap

2007-06-27 17:08:53 · 6 answers · asked by Version 2.0 4

A team of archaeologists is excavating in Israel when they find a cave with the symbols of a woman, a donkey, a shovel, a fish, and a Star of David on the wall.

The head archaeologist points to the first drawing. “This indicates that these people were family oriented and held women in high esteem.” he says. “The donkey shows they were smart enough to use animals to till the soil. The shovel means they were able to forge tools. Even further proof of high intelligence is the fish: If famine hit the earth, they would take to the sea for food. The last symbol is the Star of David, telling us they were Hebrews.”

The second archaeologist shakes his head. “Hebrew is read from right to left,” he explains. “It says, ‘Holy Mackerel, Dig the A$s on that Chick!’”

2007-06-27 17:06:03 · 7 answers · asked by pitsargenaf 4

A judge working a double-homicide case tells the defendant, “You’re charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer.”
“You bastard!” yells a voice from the back of the courtroom.
“You’re also charged with killing your mother-in-law with a hammer,” says the judge.
“Bastard!” the same person yells.
The judge addresses the man sitting in the back of the courtroom.“Sir, one more outburst and I’ll charge you with contempt.”
“I’m sorry, Your Honor,” says the man. “But I’ve been this bastard’s neighbor for 10 years, and every time I asked to borrow a hammer, he said he didn’t have one.”

Some funny websites as well:

http://media.skoopy.com/misc/celebs_without_makeup/

http://www.tmz.com/photos/no-makeup/139802/

Enjoy, and star me please ;)

2007-06-27 17:02:56 · 10 answers · asked by pitsargenaf 4

One day a teacher went into her class room and saw the word, “penis” written in small letters on the chalkboard. She erased it and went on with the day's lesson. The next day, she came in and saw the same word on the chalkbaord, but a little bit bigger. She erased it and went on with her lesson.
Each of the next several days, the teacher would come in to find “penis” on the board, a little larger each time. She went in one morning, expecting to dinf it again, but instead the chalkboard read: “The more you rub it, the bigger it gets.”

2007-06-27 17:00:14 · 11 answers · asked by ~peace*love~ 2

A man lay sprawled across three entire seats in a theater.

When the usher came by and noticed this, he whispered to the man, "Sorry, sir, but you're only allowed one seat."

The man groaned but didn't budge.

The usher became impatient. "Sir, if you don't get up from there I'm going to have to call the manager."

Again, the man just groaned, which infuriated the usher who turned and marched briskly back up the aisle in search of his manager. In a few moments, both the usher and the manager returned and stood over the man. Together the two of them tried repeatedly to move him, but with no success.

Finally, they summoned the police.

The cop surveyed the situation briefly then asked, "All right buddy, what's your name?"

"Sam," the man moaned.

"Where ya from, Sam?"

With pain in his voice Sam replied... "The balcony."

2007-06-27 16:26:32 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-27 15:30:49 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Shingles
Bubba walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his name, address, medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aid came out and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete medical history and told Bubba to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

So the nurse gave Bubba a blood test, a blood pressure test, an electrocardiogram, and told Bubba to take off all his clothes and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and asked Bubba what he had.

Bubba said, "Shingles."

The doctor asked, "Where?"

Bubba said, "Outside on the truck. Where do you want them?"

2007-06-27 15:21:52 · 6 answers · asked by ? 6

Not a hard laughing joke.

Once upon a time, there lived a man who had a terrible passion for baked beans. He loved them, but they always had an embarrassing and somewhat lively reaction on him. One day he met a girl and fell in love. When it became apparent that they would marry, he thought to himself, she'll never go through with the marriage with me carrying on like this, so he made the supreme sacrifice and gave up beans.

Shortly after that they were married. A few months later, on his birthday and on the way home from work, his car broke down. Since they lived in the country, he called his wife and told her that he would be late because he had to walk home. On his way home, he passed a small cafe and the wonderful aroma of baked beans overwhelmed him. Since he still had several miles to walk he figured he could walk off any ill affects before he got home. It was, after all, his birthday. So he went in and ordered, and before leaving had 3 extra large helpings of baked beans.

2007-06-27 15:17:21 · 8 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

The Duck and the Lawyer
A big city lawyer went duck hunting in rural

> Tennessee. He shot and dropped a bird, but it fell into a farmer's field on the other side of a
fence. As the lawyer climbed over the fence,
an elderly farmer drove up on his tractor and asked him what he was doing.

The litigator responded, "I shot a duck and it
fell in this field, and now I'm going to retrieve it."

The old farmer replied, "This is my property,
and you are not coming over here."

The indignant lawyer said, "I am one of the best trial attorneys in the United States and, if you don't let me get that duck, I'll sue you and take everything you own.
The old farmer smiled and said, "Apparently,
you don't know how we settle disputes in Tennessee. We settle small
disagreements like this; with the

> "Three Kick Rule."

>

>

>

> The lawyer asked, "What is the Three

>

> Kick Rule?"

>

>

>

> The Farmer replied, "Well, because the dispute

> occurs on my land, I get to

> go first. I kick you three times and then you

> kick me three times and so

> on back and forth until someone gives up."

>

>

>

> The attorney quickly thought about the proposed

> contest and decided that

> he could easily take the old codger. He agreed

> to abide by the local

> custom.

>

>

>

>

>

> The old farmer slowly climbed down from the

> tractor and walked up to the

> attorney. His first kick planted the toe of his

> heavy steel toed work boot

> into the lawyer's groin and dropped him to his

> knees. His second kick to

> the midriff sent the lawyer's last meal gushing

> from his mouth.

>

>

> The lawyer was on all fours when the farmer's

> third kick to his rear end,

> sent him face-first into a fresh cow pie.

>

> The lawyer summoned every bit of his will and

> managed to get to his feet.

> Wiping his face with the arm of his jacket, he

> said, "Okay, you old fart.

> Now it's my turn."

>

>

>

> [I love this part....]

>

>

>

> The old farmer smiled and said, "Nah, I give

> up. You can have the duck.

>

2007-06-27 15:14:30 · 5 answers · asked by ? 6

Not a hard laughing joke.

A blonde and a brunette decided to rob a bank. They quickly devised a good plan and they put their plan to action. The brunette drove up to the front of the bank that they had decided to rob. She turned to the blonde and asked her, "Now, do you remember what the plan is?" The blonde sighed and replied, "Yeah, yeah, I remember..." The brunette went over the plan once more and let the blonde out to do her stuff. Before the blonde could shut the door, the brunette yelled out, "Be sure to be in and out in no more than 5 minutes!" The blonde ran inside and the brunette waited in the car... and waited... and waited... and waited... and waited.

2007-06-27 15:09:28 · 10 answers · asked by KÖoÌSÍÄy€r5 - "S" 4 SÍ 4

Tim- (Sitting In Church) (Yeals) I Can See!!!!
Joe- God Has Healed You You Were Blind Now You Can See!
Pasture- God Is Great Look At What He Can Do!!!!
Tim- No I Just Found My Glasses They Were In My Pocket.

2007-06-27 15:02:39 · 10 answers · asked by ???? 1

joke

2007-06-27 15:00:09 · 13 answers · asked by tgadams 2

i was wondering if he was real.

2007-06-27 14:55:15 · 9 answers · asked by TaKe A bOw 2

to take a look at the horse. A man comes out and sees the midget and asks if there is something he can do for him. The midget says, "I would like to theee the horth you haf for thale". The man takes him to the stable and the midget sees the horse and says to the man," I would like to look in the horth's earzth". So the man picks up the midget so he can look at the horses ears. He puts the midget down and pretty soon the midget says, " I would like to look in the horth's mout". So, again the man picks up the midget so he can look in the horses mouth. He sets the midget back down, and soon the midget says, " I would like to theee the horth ****". By now the man has lost all patience with the midget. He picks him up, lifts the horses tail, and starts shoving the midget in and out of the horses behind. Feeling better now, he sets the midget back down and starts to walk away, when the midget says," tat's pretty neat, but I wanted to theee the horth **** awound the twack"!
Star me if u lik

2007-06-27 14:40:59 · 7 answers · asked by charks love 6

2007-06-27 14:37:00 · 23 answers · asked by mary_wilcox17 1

I have just finished preparing a dandibuck (pygmy, that is, else it wouldn't fit in my oven). I've skinned it, cut off the head and feet, cleaned out the guts, salted, rubbed with herbs, trussed and planked it, but when the oven reached the right temperature, I realised I had completely forgotten about the fore-deener. Should I
a) un-truss the dandibuck and put the fore-deener in the body cavity,
b) wrap the fore-deener in foil and put it in the rack below the dandibuck, or
c) just forget about it, and feed the raw fore-deener to my dog?

Thanks.

2007-06-27 14:17:15 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

a blonde drove by a cornfield and saw another blonde sitting in a row boat trying to get it to move. the first blonde says "you're so stupid. it's girls like you that give blondes a bad name." so the second blonde says "why don't you come out and say that to my face!" the first blonde replies, "I would but i can't swim. : )

2007-06-27 14:10:03 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

a bloke see's an advert in a pet shop, talkin centipede £5000 he buys it takes it home in a small box and after about 30 mins opens the box and asks if it would like to go for a pint, the centipede doesn't answer. raising his voice he repeats the question, still no reply.gettin angry thinkin he's been done he shouts the question at which the centipede sticks his head out of his box and say's i heard you the first time i was puttin my f...kin shoes on.

2007-06-27 14:05:08 · 16 answers · asked by Spot 6

2007-06-27 14:01:43 · 7 answers · asked by Yñkhez 4

You strap toast with butter on it on a cat with the butterside facing up on the cats back then throw the cat how will it land?

2007-06-27 13:54:10 · 12 answers · asked by puddingizcool 2

A doctor, a lawyer, a little boy and a priest were out for a Sunday afternoon flight on a small private plane.

Suddenly, the plane developed engine trouble. In spite of the best efforts of the pilot the plane started to go down. Finally the pilot grabbed a parachute, yelled to the passengers that they had better jump, and bailed out. Unfortunately, there were only three parachutes remaining.

The doctor grabbed one and said, "I'm a doctor, I save lives, so I must live" and jumped out.

The lawyer then said, "I am the smartest man in the world, I deserve to live!" He grabbed a parachute and jumped.

The priest looked at the little boy and said, "My son, I've lived a long and full life. You are young and have your whole life ahead of you. Take the last parachute and live in peace."

The little boy handed the parachute back to the priest and said, "Not to worry, Father. The smartest man in the world just took off with my backpack."

2007-06-27 13:42:38 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A truck driver used to amuse himself by running over lawyers he would see walking down the side of the road. Every time he would see a lawyer walking along the road, he would swerve to hit him, and there would be a loud "THUMP" and then he would swerve back onto the road.

One day, as the truck driver was driving along, he saw a priest hitchhiking. He thought he would do a good turn and pulled the truck over. He asked the priest, "Where are you going, Father?"

"I'm going to the church 5 miles down the road," replied the priest.

"No problem, Father! I'll give you a lift. Climb in the truck."

The happy priest climbed into the passenger seat and the truck driver continued down the road. Suddenly the truck driver saw a lawyer walking down the road and instinctively he swerved to hit him. But then he remembered there was a priest in the truck with him, so at the last minute he swerved back away, narrowly missing the lawyer.

However, even though he was certain he missed the lawyer, he still heard a loud "THUD." Not understanding where the noise came from, he glanced in his mirrors and when he didn't see anything, he turned to the priest and
said, "I'm sorry Father. I almost hit that lawyer."

"That's okay," replied the priest. "I got him with the door!"

2007-06-27 13:40:14 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous