Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-29 02:10:41 · 3 answers · asked by Sajeev N 1

A couple return from their honeymoon and it's obvious to everyone that they are not talking to each other. The groom's best man takes him aside and asks what is wrong.

"Well," replied the man, "when we had finished making love on the first night, I got up to go to the bathroom and I put a $50 bill on the pillow without thinking."

"Oh, I shouldn't worry about that too much," said his friend. "I'm sure your wife will get over it soon enough. She can't expect you to have been saving yourself all these years!"

The groom nodded gently and said, "I don't know if I can get over it though, she gave me $20 change!"

2007-06-29 02:08:33 · 7 answers · asked by ? 2

ok so there's this one brunette she HATES blondes so one day shes driving down the road and stops to pick up this really dusty bottle when she rubs it a genie comes out he says ill grant you three wishes but every blonde in the world gets twice of what you get so she says ok she wishes for a huge mansion so the genie says so then every blonde in the world will get 2 mansions so then she asks for a lamborghini then the genie says so every blonde in the world will get 2 lamborghinis then she says i know pick up that stick over there and beat me half to death!

2007-06-29 02:02:28 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

As the bus stopped and it was her turn to get on, a lovely looking woman became aware that her skirt was too tight to allow her leg to come up to the height of the first step of the bus.

Slightly embarrassed and with a quick smile to the bus driver, she reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little, thinking that this would give her enough slack to raise her leg. She tried to take the step, only to discover that she couldn't.

So, a little more embarrassed, she once again reached behind her to unzip her skirt a little more, and for the second time attempted the step

Once again, much to her chagrin, she could not raise her leg.

With a little smile to the driver, she again reached behind to unzip a little more and again was unable to take the step.

About this time, a large Texan who was standing behind her picked her up easily by the waist and placed her gently on the step of the bus.

She went ballistic and turned to the would-be Samaritan and yelled, "How dare you touch my body! I don't even know who you are!"

The Texan smiled and drawled, "Well, ma'am, normally I would agree with you, but after you unzipped my fly three times, I kinda figured we was friends."

2007-06-29 01:56:34 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

Looking for laugh, can you help?
anything.
please.
I can't stand it any more.

2007-06-29 01:47:41 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blonde walks into a bank in London and asks to see the Manager. She says she's going to Hong Kong on business for two weeks and needs to borrow £5,000.
The Manager says the bank will need some kind of security for the loan, so the blonde hands over the keys to a new Ferrari. The car is parked on the street in front of the bank, she has the title and everything checks out.
The bank agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The Manager and the tellers all enjoy a good laugh at the blonde for using a £200,000 Ferrari as collateral against a £5,000 loan.
An employee of the bank then proceeds to drive the Ferrari into the bank's underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the blonde returns, repays the £5,000 and the interest, which comes to £15.41. The Manager says,


"Miss, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a millionairess.
What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow £5,000?"

The blonde replies...
"Where else in London can I park my car for two weeks for only £15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

Hooray! A smart blonde joke at last!!

2007-06-29 00:56:26 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

Bob was in trouble he forgot his wedding anniversary. His wife was really really angry.
She told him "tomorrow morning in the i expect to find a gift in the driveway that goes from 0 to 200 in 6 seconds, and it better be there!!.
The next morning he got up early to go to work.When his wife woke up she looked out the window and sure enough there was a gift wrapped in the middle of the driveway.
Confused the wife put on her robe and ran out to the driveway brought in the box back into the house.
She opened it and found a brand new bathroom scale.
Bob has been missing since friday.

2007-06-29 00:40:35 · 10 answers · asked by Quinn 4

A man walks into a bar and has a couple of beers. Once he is done the barman tells him he owes £5.50.
"But I paid, don't you remember?" says the customer.
"Okay," says the barman, "If you say you paid, you did."
The man then goes outside and tells the first person he sees that the bartender can't keep track of whether his customers have paid.
The second man then rushes in, orders a beer and later pulls the same stunt.
The barman replies, "If you say you paid, I'll take your word for it."
Soon the customer goes into the street, sees an old friend, and tells him how to get free drinks.
The man hurries into the bar and begins to large whiskey’s when, suddenly, the barman leans over sand says, "You know, a funny thing happened in here tonight. Two men were drinking beer, neither paid and both claimed that they did. The next guy who tries that is going to get punched in the face."
"Don't bother me with your troubles," the final patron responds. "Just give me my change and I'll be on my way."

2007-06-29 00:19:06 · 13 answers · asked by Northernbloke 3

A man goes into a doctor’s and says; doctor there is something wrong with my arm.
The doctor asks him to explain.
Well says the man, every time I touch my arm my wrist talks to me.
The doctors asks him to demonstrate, so the man touches his upper arm and his wrist says, lend me £5.00, ahh says the doctor I see
The man touches his forearm and his wrist says lend me £10.00, that’s interesting says the doctor.
Well what’s the matter asks the man.
You wrist is broke.

2007-06-28 23:28:50 · 17 answers · asked by Northernbloke 3

You are standing in front of the doors to either your worst nightmare or your dreams come true. each door is guarded by a huge beast of a man, one of these men is a liar the other one will tell the truth.

to find out which door will take you to your dreams, you can only ask one question and only one of the men can answer. So you have to choose very carefully.

What is your question????????

Good luck.....

What is your

2007-06-28 21:53:32 · 14 answers · asked by ? 5

i had 25 yoghurts last night and i was mullered! boom... boom.... x

2007-06-28 21:40:03 · 19 answers · asked by pinkstuff 2

2007-06-28 21:30:36 · 11 answers · asked by Silvia 1

You say - 'I had a cryptic clue in a crossword yesterday' 'Postman drops sack'.
You pause.
He/ she-says how many letters?
You say-
'I don't know they were blown all over the place!!

2007-06-28 20:43:19 · 20 answers · asked by Spiny Norman 7

Charlie and his wife Ruth went to the state fair every year. Every year Charlie would say, "Ruth, I'd like to ride in that airplane."

Ruth would always reply, "I know Charlie, but that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

One particular year Charlie and Ruth went to the fair and Charlie said, "Ruth, I'm 85 years old. If I don't ride that airplane I might never get another chance."

Ruth replied, "Charlie, that airplane ride costs fifty dollars, and fifty dollars is fifty dollars."

The airplane pilot overheard them and said, "Folks, I'll make you a deal. I'll take you both up for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and not say one word, I won't charge you; but if you say one word it's fifty dollars."

Charlie and Ruth agreed and off they went.

2007-06-28 17:39:12 · 14 answers · asked by Anonymous

First correct answer gets the 10

2007-06-28 17:10:25 · 12 answers · asked by banjaxed 6

Dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant dead ant

Yeah! I know. It is cheesy! lol

2007-06-28 16:48:03 · 8 answers · asked by Evil Ejade 4

A turkey is chatting with a bull.
"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighs the turkey, "but I just haven't got the energy."
"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replies the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."
The turkey pecks at a lump of dung and finds that it actually gives him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.
The next day, after eating some more dung, he reaches the second branch.
Finally after a week, there he is proudly perched at the top of the tree.
Unfortunately he is spotted by a farmer, who shoots him out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

2007-06-28 14:56:27 · 11 answers · asked by Neha M 3

2007-06-28 14:56:12 · 13 answers · asked by Jared D 2

An old man and a boy were going to town. The boy rode on the donkey & the old man walked. As they walked along they passed some people who remarked it was a shame the old man was walking & the young boy was riding.
The man and the boy thought they could be right and changed positions. Later they passed some people that remarked:"what a shame he made that little boy walk"
They decided they both would walk!
Soon they passed more people who thought they were stupid to walk with a decent donkey to ride. So they both rode the donkey!
Then passing more people they heard them say: "How awful it was to put such a load on a donkey"
The boy and the man said they were probably right so they decided to carry the donkey. As they crossed the bridge, they lost their grip on the donkey & he slipped into the river and died.

The moral of the story???

If you try to please everyone you might aswell.............

KISS YOUR @SS GOODBYE!!!

2007-06-28 14:47:23 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father,
I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know
how to say one thing." "What do they say?" the priest inquired.
"They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?" "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you
are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know,
I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots
whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible.

Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in
the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots
to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying
that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the woman
responded, "this may very well be the solution."

The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's
house. As he ushered her in, she saw this two male parrots were
inside their cage, hold their rosary beads and praying.
Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them.
After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out
in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some
fun?"

There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked
over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away,
Francis, our prayers have been answered!"

2007-06-28 14:46:11 · 6 answers · asked by Steve C 7

Q. What's six inches long, two inches wide, and drives women wild?
A. Money.

Q: Why do the men in Scotland wear kilts?
A: Because the sheep can hear a zipper a mile away.

Q. What should you do if your girlfriend starts smoking?
A. Slow down and use a lubricant.

2007-06-28 14:41:50 · 13 answers · asked by Steve C 7

Which animal eats with its a**??

2007-06-28 14:33:11 · 9 answers · asked by MagGie 1

If a hydroplane has a flat tire how many pancakes does it take to shingle a dog house?

2007-06-28 14:32:05 · 18 answers · asked by Brandi 2

A man was crying at the kitchen table around 1:00 AM, when his wife came down to see what was wrong. He said"Do you remember when your dad caught us making out in high school?" She nodded. He said" Remember when he told me if I didn't marry you, he'd have me thrown in prison for 20 years?" The woman's eyes welled with tears as she replied"Yes!" The man sobbed "I would have been free today!"

2007-06-28 14:20:01 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

An English guy was very ill and his son went to visit him in the hospital. Suddenly, the father began to breathe heavily and grabbed the pen and pad by the bed. With his last ounce of strength he wrote a note, dropped it, and died.
The son was so overcome with grief that he didn't remember slipping the note into his pocket. At the funeral, he reached into the pocket of his coat and immediately felt the note. He excitedly read it thinking it might be something he could recite during the service. It said:

YOU WANKER -- GET OFF MY OXYGEN PIPE!!!

2007-06-28 14:04:26 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

THE PERFECT WAL-MART GREETER

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with
her
two kids in tow. She was screaming obscenities at them all the way
through
the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice
children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't,
the
oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you
think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No," replies the greeter. "I just couldn't believe someone would
have slept with you twice. You have a nice day now."

2007-06-28 13:40:43 · 23 answers · asked by ROSIE 3

2007-06-28 13:34:18 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

anything and everythnig in sight and feel... from the flashlights, to the writing utensils, to the tablespoons, to baseballs, to baseball bats, and to the corner of the table

2007-06-28 13:32:48 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

the passengers aboard a plane are eating burritos.
the plane loses a wing, and crashes. only 3 survive.
they land in the middle of some desert
they walk for hours, when all of a sudden all 3 men experience the explosive diariah.

man#1: man i gotta take a mean sh*t
man#2: me too man.
man#3: theres only sand out here, how are gonna clean ourselves?

man#1 says: i know! money, we'll wipe our asses with money.
man#2: how much money does everyone have?

man#1: i have $20
man #2: i have $100
man#3: i have $1

man#1 takes a dump and cleans himself with his $20 . he looks relieved and says: i feel good enough to walk the saharah.

man#2 takes a dump and cleans himself with his $100. he looks full of life and says:the most expensive sh*t i've taken but i feel great! like a new man.

man#3 takes a dump and cleans himself with his $1. the man comes out screaming in pain.

man#2:what happened man? you look horrible.

man#3 says: YOU TRY WIPING YOUR *** WITH 3 QUARTERS, 2 DIMES AND A NICKLE !!!!!

2007-06-28 13:30:45 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-28 13:26:25 · 7 answers · asked by ms. baby blue 2