Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-29 09:51:07 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman is doing some window shopping at a curiosity shoppe and sees in the window a mirror with a sign that reads: "MAGIC MIRROR $50 - ASK FOR DETAILS".

She talks to the clerk and is told that this mirror grants wishes. She is thrilled to find such a deal on this find and purchases the mirror and takes it home with the instructions.

When she gets home, she reads the instructions:
1. Take off all your clothes.
2. Stand in front of mirror and ask your wish.
3. Your wish will be granted.

So, she takes off all her clothes and stands in front of the mirror. She says, "I wish to have a bangin' body, with great boobs and a perfect butt."

Poof! Her wish is granted right as her husband walks in the room. He is astounded at the results and wants to try it too.

So, he takes off all his clothes and stands in front of the mirror and says, "I want my willy to touch the floor."

Poof!




His legs fall off!

2007-06-29 09:37:06 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, after striking gold in Alaska, a lonesome miner came down from the mountains and walked into a saloon in the nearest town.

"I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in the Yukon!" he said to the bartender.

"We got her!" replied the barman, "She's upstairs in the second room on the right."

The miner handed the bartender a gold nugget to pay for the whore and two beers. He grabbed the bottles, stomped up the stairs, kicked open the second door on the right and yelled, "I'm lookin' for the meanest, roughest and toughest whore in Yukon!"

The woman inside the room looked at the miner and said, "You found her!"

Then she stripped naked, bent over and grabbed her ankles.

"How do you know I want to it in that position?" asked the miner.

"I don't," she replied, "I just thought you might like to open your beers first."

2007-06-29 09:33:05 · 15 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man walks past a beggar every day and gives him $10 and that continues for a year. Then suddenly the daily donation changes to $7,50.
"Well," the beggar thinks, "it's still better than nothing."
A year passes in this way until the man's daily donation suddenly becomes $5.
"What's going on now?" the beggar asks his donor. "First you give me $10 every day, then $7,50 and now only $5. What's the problem?"
"Well," the man says, "last year my eldest son went to university. It's very expensive, so I had to cut costs. This year my eldest daughter also went to university, so I had to cut my expenses even further."
"And how many children do you have?" the beggar asks.
"Four," the man replies.
"Well," says the beggar, "I hope you don't plan to educate them all at my expense."

2007-06-29 09:32:50 · 22 answers · asked by violeo 5

A guy says, "I remember the firsty time I used alcohol as a substitute for a woman."

"Yeah what happened?" asked his friend.

The first guy replies, "Well, um, er well, I got my knob stuck in the neck of the bottle!"

2007-06-29 09:25:41 · 14 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

2007-06-29 08:57:43 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A beautiful, voluptuous woman goes to the gynecologist. The doctor takes one look at the woman and all of his professionalism goes out the window. He immediately asks her to undress. After she has disrobed, the doctor begins stroking her thigh.

"Do you know what I’m doing?" he asks.

"Yes," she replies. "You’re checking for any abrasions or abnormalities."

"That’s right," says the doctor. Emboldened, he then begins to fondle her breasts. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"You’re checking for any lumps or breast cancer," she replies.

"Correct," says the doctor. Deciding to go for broke, he mounts her and begins having sex with her. "Do you know what I’m doing now?"

"Yes," she says. "You’re getting herpes—which is what I came here about in the first place."

2007-06-29 08:56:26 · 24 answers · asked by Truth hurts 3

A city slicker shoots a duck out in the country. As he’s retrieving it, a farmer walks up and stops him, claiming that since the duck is on his farm, it technically belongs to him. After minutes of arguing, the farmer proposes they settle the matter "country style."

"What’s country style?" asks the city boy.

"Out here in the country," the farmer says, "when two fellers have a dispute, one feller kicks the other one in the balls as hard as he can. Then that feller, why, he kicks the first one as hard as he can. And so forth. Last man standin’ wins the dispute."

Warily the city boy agrees and prepares himself. The farmer hauls off and kicks him in the groin with all his might. The city boy falls to the ground in the most intense pain he’s ever felt, crying like a baby and coughing up blood. Finally he staggers to his feet and says, "All right, n-now it’s–it’s m-my turn."

The farmer grins. "Aw, hell, you win. Keep the duck."

2007-06-29 08:04:24 · 10 answers · asked by Truth hurts 3

"Bless me Father, for I have sinned. I have been with a loose woman.

The priest asks, "Is that you, little Johnny Parisi

"Yes, Father, it Is

"And who was the woman you were with?"

"I can't tell you, Father, I don't want to ruin her reputation."

"Well, Johnny, I'm sure to find out her name sooner or later, so You may as well tell me now. Was it Tina Minetti?"

"I cannot say."

"Was it Teresa Volpe?"

"I'll never tell."

"Was it Nina Capelli?"

"I'm sorry, but I cannot name her."

"Was it Cathy Piriano?"

"My lips are sealed."

"Was it Rosa DiAngelo, then?"

"Please, Father, I cannot tell you."

The priest sighs in frustration. "You're very tight lipped, Johnny Parisi, and I admire that. But you've sinned and must atone. You cannot be an altar boy now for 4 months. Now you go and behave yourself."

Johnny walks back to his pew, and his friend Nino slides over and whispers,"What'd you get?"

"Four months vacation and five good leads

2007-06-29 07:57:52 · 8 answers · asked by SEXY MAMI 2

Farmer John lived on a quiet rural highway. But, as time went by, the traffic slowly built up at an alarming rate. The traffic was so heavy and so fast that his chickens were being run over at a rate of three to six a day.

So one day Farmer John called the sheriff's office and said, "You've got to do something about all of these people driving so fast and killing all of my chickens."

"What do you want me to do?" asked the sheriff.

"I don't care, just do something about those crazy drivers!"

So the next day he had the county workers go out and erected a sign that said:

SLOW: SCHOOL CROSSING

Three days later Farmer John called the sheriff and said, "You've got to do something about these drivers. The 'school crossing' sign seems to make them go even faster."

So, again, the sheriff sends out the county workers and they put up a new sign:

SLOW: CHILDREN AT PLAY

That really sped them up. So Farmer John called and called and called every day for three weeks.

Finally, he asked the sheriff, "Your signs are doing no good. Can I put up my own sign?"

The sheriff told him, "Sure thing, put up your own sign." He was going to let the Farmer John do just about anything in order to get him to stop calling everyday to complain. The sheriff got no more calls from Farmer John.

Three weeks later, curiosity got the best of the sheriff and he decided to give Farmer John a call.

"How's the problem with those drivers. Did you put up your sign?"

"Oh, I sure did. And not one chicken has been killed since then. I've got to go. I'm very busy." He hung up the phone.

The sheriff was really curious now and he thought to himself, "I'd better go out there and take a look at that sign... it might be something that WE could use to slow down drivers..."

So the sheriff drove out to Farmer John's house, and his jaw dropped the moment he saw the sign. It was spray-painted on a sheet of wood:

NUDIST COLONY: Go slow and watch out for the chicks!

2007-06-29 07:47:17 · 21 answers · asked by Cowboy 4

A muslim just crashed his car into the Ully reservior Sheffield Police think its the start of Ramadam

2007-06-29 07:41:06 · 26 answers · asked by rocky 3

2007-06-29 07:29:27 · 23 answers · asked by lewis thompson 1

Tom and Dick are driving along when Dick goes through some red lights. "Careful", says Tom. "You'll have an accident". "Its all right," says Dick. "My brother does it all the time." At the next red light Dick again speeds through without a care in the world. "That's really dangerous." Says Tom. "It's OK," replies Dick. "My brother does it all the time." The next set of lights are green and Dick puts on the brakes. "Why are you stopping now?" asks Tom. "My brother might be coming the other way," replies Dick.

2007-06-29 07:27:18 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A duck walks into a hardware store and asks the clerk "Excuthe me thir, do you have any gwapth?"
The clerk replies "No, this is a hardware store, we don't sell grapes." With that the little duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and asks "Excuthe me thir, do you have any gwapth?"
To which the clerk again replies "No, this is a hardware store, we don't sell grapes." With that the little duck leaves.

The next day the duck comes back in and asks "Excuthe me thir, do you have any gwapth?"
At this point the clerk is getting very upset with this duck. He says "For the last time, this is a hardware store, WE DO NOT SELL GRAPES!!! If you ask me again, I'm going to staple your feet to the floor!!!" The little duck leaves.

The next day the little duck comes in again and asks "Excuth me thir, do you have any thtapleth?" The clerk replies "No I just sold the last box of staples" Then the little duck asks "Then do you have any gwapth?"

2007-06-29 06:59:10 · 8 answers · asked by passionatemilf 2

Good luck, first one gets 10.

2007-06-29 06:56:31 · 8 answers · asked by Red Sox '07 4

What other letter fits in the following series:
B C D E I K O X? (and why)

2007-06-29 06:49:50 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-29 06:46:35 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-29 05:52:38 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

and now i've dropped again. lol

star me, help me get back up. lol

2007-06-29 05:33:46 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are 4 people on a plane the pope, a pilot, the president, and a kid.The plane starts to go down and the pilot cant do anything!There are only 3 parachutes.The pilot takes the first one being as selfish as he is. The president takes the next one saying "I have to lead a country!". The pope tells the kid "you have a long life ahead of you you take the last parachute". Then the kids says. That's ok there are two more parachutes left.The pope looked puzzled.Then the kid says "There are 2 more because the president took my backpack!"


THE END

2007-06-29 05:10:19 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

King Arthur has a beautiful wife. The problem is, the knights of the round table keep shagging her. He goes to Merlin, and explains the situation. Merlin says, "I've got just the thing." He pulls a out pair of metal knickers, with a hole in the bottom. Arthur says, "They're no good." But Merlin puts his wand through the hole, and a blade appears and chops his wand in half. Arthur takes them, and padlocks them to his wife. He goes away for a fortnight.
When he returns he lines up all his knights and tells them to drop their pants. All of the knights except one have half their dick lopped off. Arthur said, "You have disgraced the knights of the round table, Go away, and may I never see you again." He comes to the remaining knight Sir Lancelot and says, "For your loyalty, I will give you half of my empire. Lancelot said, "Fank you thirr."

2007-06-29 05:00:25 · 27 answers · asked by Anonymous

Buxom, matronly Paris Hilton has a kind of Uri Geller-style skill. If she rubs her breasts together, a ghost appears from her cleavage and does the dance of the seven onions on a tea towel before popping a sixpence in her hat.

2007-06-29 04:56:59 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man lives on the 14th floor in a 16 floor apartment. Every morning he take the elevator to bottom floor. But every evening when he comes home he takes the elevator to the 9th floor and walks all the way up to the 14th floor. How come?

1st one solve this riddle gets 10 points!!

2007-06-29 04:54:04 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven. The Lord comes and says "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with St Peter."
Said and done, the next time The Lord looked the women are gone and there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their women, there was only one man.
The Lord got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I created you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at the only one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him! Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"
And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here"

2007-06-29 04:49:41 · 25 answers · asked by Mum-Ra 5

A local bakery decided to hire a part-time counter person and ended up with a local co-ed who could work evenings and weekends. She had one eccentric characteristic (which was unknown when she was hired) -- she wore short skirts and no underwear. Needless to say, she was a real beauty and had a figure to die for.

The bakery had a small storefront so it was necessary to have the various products on shelves and use a ladder to reach the uppermost items. The item that was previously the least popular -- the raisin bread -- was quickly becoming the most popular with gentlemen. Conveniently enough, the raisin bread was kept on the highest shelf of all.

One day, an elderly gentleman came in and ordered a loaf of bread. The young lady, without thinking, scurried up the ladder and then realized she had not asked the gentleman what kind of bread he had wanted so she nodded and asked, "Raisin?"

"No," he replied, "but it's beginning to twitch just a little."

2007-06-29 04:42:17 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

lots i can name a dozen i had to restart
but there are more like l4a and biko conan george why and many many more why

2007-06-29 04:38:25 · 3 answers · asked by jenny 2

2007-06-29 03:37:54 · 19 answers · asked by vanessa 3

2007-06-29 03:14:38 · 8 answers · asked by hello 2

2007-06-29 02:27:58 · 18 answers · asked by Ѕємι~Мαđ ŠçїєŋŧιѕТ 6

2007-06-29 02:25:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous