Funnist Joke gets 10 points?

Question

Don't make it super long.

Answer 1

Here are some very funny jokes, none are dirty but some are a little bit long. Hope you enjoy!!!!!!!!!!

Garden of Eden Story:

Adam was walking around the Garden of Eden feeling very lonely, so God asked him, "What is wrong with you?"

Adam said he didn't have anyone to talk to.

God said he was going to give him a companion and it would be a woman.

God said, "This person will cook for you and wash your clothes, she will always agree with every decision you make. She will bear you children and never ask you to get up in the middle of the night to take care of them.

She will not nag you, and will always be the first to admit she was wrong when you've had a disagreement. She will never have a headache, and will freely give you love and compassion whenever needed."

Adam asked God, "What will a woman like that cost?"

God said, "An arm and a leg."

Adam said, "What can I get for just a rib?"

The rest is history.
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Two Nuts:

Two boy scouts went on a nature hike in the hills, picking hickory nuts along the way. They soon filled their small pails and started to fill their pants and shirt pockets. When they could hold no more nuts they started down the country road until they came across a cemetery. One of the boys decided that would be a good place to stop and divide up the nuts.

The two boys sat in the shade of a large oak tree and unloaded their pockets and buckets dumping all of the nuts in a large pile. In the process two of the nuts rolled down near the road. The boys then proceeded to divide up the nuts. "One for you. One for me. One for you. One for me."

As they were dividing the nuts, another boy walking by the cemetery happened to hear them. He looked into the cemetery but could not see the boys because they were hidden by the tree. He hesitated a moment and then ran back to his house.

"Father, father," he yelled as he entered his house. "The cemetery. Come quick!!!" "What's the matter," the father asked? "No time to explain," the boy frantically panted. "Follow me!!!" The boy and the father ran up the country road and stopped when they reached the cemetery. They stood at the side of the road, and listened for a few moments. Then the father asked his son, "what's wrong?"

The son said, "do you hear that (he whispered)?" They both listened intently and heard the Scouts. "One for me. One for you. One for me. One for you."

The boy then blurted out to his father, "The devil and the God are dividing the souls!!!" The father grinned but was silent. A few moments later, as the Scouts completed dividing out the nuts, one Scout said to the other . . ." As soon as we get those two nuts down by the road, we'll have them all."
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Parrot:

A young man named John received a parrot as a gift. The parrot had a bad attitude and an even worse vocabulary. Every word out of the bird's mouth was rude, obnoxious and laced with profanity.

John tried and tried to change the bird's attitude by consistently saying only polite words, playing soft music and anything else he could think of to "clean up" the bird's vocabulary.

Finally, John was fed up and he yelled at the parrot. The parrot yelled back. John shook the parrot and the parrot got angrier and even ruder. John, in desperation, threw up his hands, grabbed the bird and put him in the freezer.

For a few minutes the parrot squawked and kicked and screamed. Then suddenly there was total quiet. Not a peep was heard for over a minute. Fearing that he'd hurt the parrot, John quickly opened the door to the freezer. The parrot calmly stepped out onto John's outstretched arm and said, "I believe I may have offended you with my rude language and actions. I'm sincerely remorseful for my inappropriate transgressions and I fully intend to do everything I can to correct my rude and unforgivable behavior."

John was stunned at the change in the bird's attitude. As he was about to ask the parrot what had made such a dramatic change in his behavior, the bird continued, "May I ask what the turkey did?"
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Last in Line:

A bus carrying only ugly people crashes into an oncoming truck and everyone inside dies. When they get to meet their maker, because of the grief they have experienced, He decides to grant them one wish each before they enter Heaven.

They're all lined up, and God asks the first one what their wish is. "I want to be gorgeous." So God snaps His fingers, and it is done. The second one in line hears this and says, "I want to be gorgeous too." Another snap of His fingers and the wish is granted.

This goes on for a while with each one asking to be gorgeous but when God is halfway down the line, the last guy in the line starts laughing. By the time there are only ten people left, this one guy is rolling on the floor, laughing his head off.

Finally, God reaches this last guy and asks him what his wish will be. The guy eventually calms down and says: "Make 'em all ugly again."

So, the next time you are last in line.......smile!
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CHECKING THE MAILBOX:

A man was in his front yard mowing grass when his attractive blonde female neighbor came out of the house and went straight to the mail box.

She opened it, then slammed it shut, and stormed back in the house. A little later she came out of her house and again went to the mail box and again opened it, then slammed it shut again. Angrily, back into the house she went.

As the man was getting ready to edge the lawn, here she came out again, marched to the mail box, opened it and then slammed it closed harder than ever. Puzzled by her actions the man asked her, "Is something wrong?"

To which she replied, "There certainly is! My stupid computer keeps giving me a message saying, "YOU'VE GOT MAIL!"
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THREE SISTERS:

Three sisters ages 92, 94 and 96 live in a house together.

One night the 96 year old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and pauses. She yells down the stairs "was I getting in or out of the bath?"

The 94 year old yells back "I don't know. I'll come up and see." She starts up the stairs and pauses. Then she yells "was I going up the stairs or down?"

The 92 year old is sitting at the kitchen table having tea listening to her sisters. She shakes her head and says "I sure hope I never get that forgetful."

She knocks on wood for good measure. She then yells "I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door."
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NEAR DEATH EXPERIENCE:

A middle aged woman had a heart attack and was taken to the hospital. While on the operating table she had a near death experience. Seeing God, she asked if this was it. God said, "No you have another 43 years, 2 months, and 8 days to live."

Upon recovery the woman decided to stay in the hospital and have a facelift, liposuction, breast augmentation, tummy tuck, etc. She even had someone come in and change her hair color, figuring since she had so much more time to live, she might as well make the most of it.

She got out of the hospital after the last operation and while crossing the street was killed by an ambulance speeding to the hospital. Arriving in front of God, she demanded, "I thought you said I had another 40 Years?"

God replied, "I didn't recognize you."
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Mother-in-law in Jerusalem:

George went on a vacation to the Middle East with most of his family including his mother-in-law. During their vacation and while they were visiting Jerusalem, George's mother-in-law died. With the death certificate in hand, George went to the American Consulate Office to make arrangements to send the body back to the States for proper burial.

The Consul, after hearing of the death of the mother-in-law, told George that the sending of a body back to the States for burial is very, very expensive. It could cost as much as $5,000. The Consul continues, in most cases the person responsible for the remains normally decides to bury the body here. This would only cost $150.

George thinks for some time and answers, "I don't care how much it will cost to send the body back; that's what I want to do."

The Consul, after hearing this, says "You must have loved your mother-in-law very much, considering the difference in price."

"No, it's not! that," says George. "You see, I know of a case many years ago of a person that was buried here in Jerusalem. On the third day he arose from the dead. I just can't take that chance."
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GROCERY STORE:

My friend, the manager of a grocery store, nabbed a shoplifter in the act.

He was escorting the suspect to the office in the front, near the cash registers, when the shoplifter broke from his grip and tried to run away.

After a scuffle, my friend pinned him against the wall and looked up to see a number of surprised customers staring at him.

"Everything's fine, Folks," he reassured them.

"This guy just tried to go through the express line with more than nine items."
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Sniffer the Labrador:

A man is sitting in an airliner, which is about to takeoff when another man with a Labrador Retriever occupies the 2 empty seats beside him.

The Lab is situated in the middle, and the first man is looking quizzically at the dog when the second man explains that they work for the airline.

The airline rep said, "Don't mind Sniffer; he is a sniffing dog, the best there is; I'll show you once we get airborne when I put him to work."

The plane takes off and levels out when the handler says to the first man,"Watch this." He tells the dog, "Sniffer, search."

Sniffer jumps down, walks along the aisle, and sits next to a woman for a few seconds. It then returns to its seat and puts one paw on the handler's arm

He says "Good boy."

The airline rep turns to the first man and says, "That woman is in possession of marijuana, so I'm making a note of this and her seat number for the police who will apprehend her on arrival."

"Fantastic!" replies the first man.

Once again he sends Sniffer to search the aisles. The Lab sniffs about, sits down beside a man for a few seconds, returns to its seat, and places two paws on the handler's arm. The airline rep says, "That man is carrying cocaine, so again I'm making a note of this and the seat number."

"I like it!" says the first man.

A third time the rep sends Sniffer to search the aisles. Sniffer goes up and down the plane and after a while sits down next to someone. He then comes racing back, jumps up onto his seat, and doo doos all over the place.

The first man is really grossed out by this behavior from a supposedly well-trained sniffing dog and asks, "What's going on?"

The handler nervously replies, "He just found a bomb"!
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RUDE HUSBAND:

A man was driving his car with his wife when he was suddenly stopped by a cop. The cop says, "Good evening sir, you were going 60 in a 50 Km zone." The guy says, "No, I wasn't."

The wife turns to him and says, "Yes, dear you were."

The man says, "Why don't you hush up?"

Then the cop says, "You also didn't have your seat belt on sir."

Naturally the guy says, "Sure I had it on."

Again the woman says, "No honey you didn't."

The man turns around and says to the woman, "I told you to keep quite."

Then the cop bends down and says to the woman, "Excuse me ma'am but is this your husband?"

The woman says, "Yes."

"Is he always this mean and rude to you?"

The woman says, "No officer, he's normally very nice; except when he is DRUNK."
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Porsche:

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars, and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he ran off to Hawaii with his secretary and doesn't intend to come back.

He claimed he was stranded and told me to sell his new Porsche and then send him the money.

So I did."

Are women good or what?!
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DIVORCE?:

An elderly man in Phoenix calls his son Bob in New York and says, "I hate to ruin your day, but your mother and I are divorcing. Forty-five years of misery is enough! I'm sick of her, and I'm sick of talking about this, so call your sister in Boston and tell her," and then hangs up.

The son frantically calls his sister, who goes nuts upon hearing the news.

She calls her father and yells, "You are not getting a divorce! Bob and I will be there tomorrow. Until then, don't do a single thing, do you hear me?"

The father hangs up the phone, turns to his wife, and says, "It worked! The kids are coming for a visit, and they're paying their own way!"
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Answer 2

this man wanted to divorce his wife... they went to court and the judge said let us try and save this marriage. What is the problem Mr. The man replies Your Honor my wife wants sex round the clock. she even calls me home from work. i cant even sleep at night
this has been going on for 5 yr
im sick of it
so i want a divorce

The Judge asked him do you like money? The man said Your Honor im a human of course i love money.

So the judge said well everytime she wants sex u should charge her...
100 for in the bedroom
75 for in the shower
50 for in the living room
and
25 for in the kitchen

so they agreed and went home
as they got to the door
the wife started touching her husband
and getting him all hot
and lead him into the bed room
and started undressing
then she whispered in his ear
lets go to the kitchen and do it 4 times=))

there was a guy everytime he made love to his wife he would never allow the lights on. The woman was curious about this for a long time. So she went and told her best friend about it. Her friend said the next time when he makes love to you hide a flash light under the pillow. so she waited

The next time came
and she had the flash light ready
so he started making love to her
and then she took out the flash light
and saw what he was doing
she was out raged
she saw him using a cucumber
she was screaming at him
M F'er you been using a cucumber on me for 10 yr how dare you! You sorry SOB
Then he said Wait you Bytch... you ever once hear me ask you where all these kids come from!?

racist but i have mexicans in my family so it doesnt matter...

why doesnt mexico have a good olympic team?

coz all the ones that can run, swim, and jump have already left the country

Answer 3

The Perfect Husband

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A cell phone on a bench rings and a man engages the hands-free speaker- function and begins to talk. Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"
WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"
MAN: "Yes."
WOMAN: "I'm at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only $1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"
MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."
WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2007 models. I saw one I really liked."
MAN: "How much?"
WOMAN: "$65,000."
MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."
WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing. The house we wanted last year is back on the market. They're asking $950,000."
MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."
WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"
MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in astonishment.

Then he smiles and asks: "Anyone know whose phone this is?"

Answer 4

So a midget with a speech impediment goes to buy a horse from a country bumpkin.

When he shows up, the ol’ boy takes him out to see the horse.

“Dat’s a nithe ookin’ hose,” says the midget. “Can ah thee thu teef?”

The man, realizing that the midget can’t get that high up, picks him up and shows him the teeth.

“Nithe teef, “ he says. “Tan I thee thu earttth?”

The man, a little annoyed, picks up the midget and takes him around to show him in both of the mare’s ears, how they move, and that there are no mites.

“Ver nithe. Tan I thee her ****?” continues the midget.

The man, more that a little annoyed at this point, picks up the midget, shoves him deep into the the mare’s nether regions and pulls him back out.

The midget wipes his face, and looks up surprised, “Maybe I thuud have rewooded dat. Tan I thee her wun awound a bit?”

Answer 5

Why did Borat bypass the line? because of the fact they although the beetles that he observed grow to be the previous jewish couple. So we screamed, gived them money and hairs, and he made it to the yet another sided by utilising wilson( the soccer ball).

Answer 6

I tell ya I know I'm ugly. The other day I looked out my car window and got arrested for "mooning".

Answer 7

ok this is kinda racist, but its kinda funny...this kid at skool told it 2 me:
so there is a mexican, an italian, and an american in a double decker bus. the italian says, "find something there is too much of in ur country and throw it ovr th bus". so he finds a pizza and throws it out. then the mexican says "ok" and he throws a burrito over. finally its the american's turn. he thinks and thinks of all the possibilities and finally thinks of it. he walks over to the mexican and throws him over.

heres another one its a blonde joke:
there is a blonde a red head and a brunette talking on a bench in michigan. theyre talking when the brunette asks "do u think florida or the moon is closer to us?" the red head answers "florida duh". the blonde answers "hellooo, can u see florida from here?"

Answer 8

there was this man on a little airplane. as the plane was speeding down the run way to stop after just landing, the plane hit a deer. it totaled the whole plane and everyone evacuated. the man got back to the terminal and called his wife and explained the situation. there was silence on the other end of the phone and then she said "omg!! where you on the ground??" the man replied, "nope!! Santa was making 1 last run!!!"
(wife--dumb blonde----husband--smart business man)
HEE HEE!!!

Answer 9

Joke: Just In case

A man calls the Animal Control in his town, because there is a crazed gorilla on his roof, and he can't figure out how to get it down safely. Soon, a van pulls up, and an old man gets out, carrying a small dog, a baseball bat, and a gun. He hands the man the gun.

''Okay, here's what we do. I'm going to go up onto your roof, and threaten the gorilla with this baseball bat until he falls down. When he falls down, this little dog will bite him in the balls until he's incapacitated.''

''Great,'' says the man. ''But what's the gun for?''

''In case I fall down instead of the gorilla — shoot the dog.''

Answer 10

Two parents take their son to a nude beach. After a few minutes of playing in the water, Little Johnny comes running up to his mother.
"Mommy, Mommy! I saw ladies with boobies a lot bigger than yours!"
She simply replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Johnny goes back to playing.
After a few minutes, he comes running back.
"Mommy, Mommy! I saw guys with dingers a lot bigger than Daddy's!"
She once again replies, "The bigger they are, the dumber they are." Johnny goes back to the water.
A few minutes later, he's back again.
"Mommy, Mommy! I saw Daddy talking to the dumbest lady I ever saw! And the more and more he talked, the dumber and dumber he got!"

^_^

Answer 11

this is the best yo momma joke! hope u like it.

Yo Momma Sooooooooooooooooo Fat!! when she walked by the window we lost sunlight for 4 days!!!!!

not to long to short. i made it up