Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

John woke up one morning immensely aroused so he turned over to his wife's
side of the bed. His wife, Heather, had already awakened though, and she was
downstairs preparing breakfast in the kitchen. Afraid that he might spoil things
by getting up, John called his little boy into the room and asked him to 'Bring
this note to your beautiful Mummy.' The note read:

The Tent Pole Is Up,
The Canvas Is Spread,
The Hell With Breakfast,
Come Back To Bed.

Heather, grinning, answered the note and then asked her son to 'Bring this to
your silly Daddy.' The note read:

Take The Tent Pole Down,
Put The Canvas Away,
The Monkey Had A Hemorrhage,
No Circus Today.

John read the note and quickly scribbled a reply. Then, he asked his son to
take it back to 'The lady in the kitchen'. The note read:

The Tent Pole's Still Up,
And The Canvas Still Spread,
So Drop What You're Doing,
And Come Give Me Some Head.

Laughing, Heather answered the note and then asked her son to 'Take this to
the poor man upstairs'. The note read:

I'm Sure That Your Pole's
The Best In The Land.
But I'm Busy Right Now,
So Do It By Hand!

2007-06-04 08:00:28 · 11 answers · asked by anniemogolf 2

a man walks into a bar and sits down at a table with two guys. about ten minutes later the guy comes up to the bartender and says i bet u $20 i can piss in a cup as u slide it down the bar so the bartender slide it down and the guy pissed all on the bar. the guy does this two more times and ups the price $20 more every time. finally the guy comes up to the bartender and says "man u see those two guys at that table?... well i bet them $800 that i can piss on ur bar three times and u won't get mad.!!!! LOL

2007-06-04 07:26:19 · 8 answers · asked by mcwhiteboy6775 2

2007-06-04 07:24:13 · 15 answers · asked by Andy W 2

Ok well i have this new workout thing with potato sacks. First you take a 5 pound potato sack in both hands and see how long you can hold it in the air. Once you can do 5 pound do the same thing with 10 pound potato socks. If you can really master that then move to 20 pound potato sacks. Once you can do that move on to 25 pound potato sacks. Oce you can do that start putting potatoes in the sacks.

2007-06-04 07:18:26 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

I just asked this in P&S, but I think it's more appropriate here.

2007-06-04 07:17:31 · 4 answers · asked by hello world 7

An older lady gets pulled over for speeding...
Older Woman: Is there a problem, Officer?

Officer: Ma'am, you were speeding.

Older Woman: Oh, I see.

Officer: Can I see your license please?

Older Woman: I'd give it to you but I don't have one.

Officer: Don't have one?

Older Woman: Lost it, 4 years ago for drunk driving.

Officer: I see...Can I see your vehicle registration papers please.

Older Woman: I can't do that.

Officer: Why not?

Older Woman: I stole this car.

Officer: Stole it?

Older Woman: Yes, and I killed and hacked up the owner.

Officer: You what?

Older Woman: His body parts are in plastic bags in the trunk if you
want
to
see

The Officer looks at the woman and slowly backs away to his car and
calls
for back up. Within minutes 5 police cars circle the car. A senior
officer
slowly approaches the car, clasping his half drawn gun.

Officer 2: Ma'am, could you step out of your vehicle please! The woman
steps
out of her vehicle.

Older woman: Is there a problem sir?

Officer 2: One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and
murdered the owner.

Older Woman: Murdered the owner?

Officer 2: Yes, could you please open the trunk of your car, please.

The woman opens the trunk, revealing nothing but an empty trunk.

Officer 2: Is this your car, ma'am?

Older Woman: Yes, here are the registration papers. The officer is
quite
stunned.

Officer 2: One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving
license.

The woman digs into her handbag and pulls out a clutch purse and hands
it
to
the officer.

The officer examines the license. He looks quite puzzled.

Officer 2: Thank you ma'am, one of my officers told me you didn't have
a
license, that you stole this car, and that you murdered and hacked up
the
owner.

Older Woman: Bet the liar told you I was speeding, too.





Don't Mess With Old Ladies

2007-06-04 07:11:04 · 47 answers · asked by Anonymous

Inner Strength
If you can start the day without caffeine or pep pills,

If you can be cheerful, ignoring aches and pains,
If you can resist complaining and boring people with your troubles,
If you can eat the same food everyday and be grateful for it,
If you can understand when loved ones are too busy to give you time,
If you can overlook when people take things out on you when,
If through no fault of yours, something goes wrong,
If you can take criticism and blame without resentment,
If you can face the world without lies and deceit,
If you can conquer tension without medical help,
If you can relax without liquor,
If you can sleep without the aid of drugs,
If you can do all these things,

Then you are probably the family dog.

2007-06-04 06:58:39 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

"President Bush announced tonight that he believes in democracy and that
democracy can exist in Iraq. They can have a strong economy, they can have a
good health care plan, and they can have a free and fair voting. Iraq? We can't
even get this in Florida."

2007-06-04 06:46:29 · 7 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

A twelve stone man strips off in front of his wife and looks at himself in the mirror.

He says "look at me, im 12 stone of pure dynamite".

His wife looks at him and replies "hmmm thats very true, its a shame about the 2 inch fuse though".

2007-06-04 05:34:36 · 7 answers · asked by mick shaw 3

eg 7 D in a W = 7 days in a week
does anyone know this one
2 G on a R = ?
please help
sensible anwsers thank you

2007-06-04 05:10:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

three girls all worked in the same office with the same female boss. each day, they noticed the boss left work early.

one day, the girls decided that, when the boss left, they would leave right behind her. after all, she never called or came back to work, so how would she know they went home early?

the brunette was thrilled to be home early. she did a little gardening, spent playtime with her son, and went to bed early.

the redhead was elated to be able to get in a quick workout at the spa before meeting a dinner date.

the blonde was happy to get home early and surprise her husband, but when she got to her bedroom, she heard a muffled noise from inside. slowly and quietly, she cracked open the door and was mortified to see her husband in bed with her boss! gently, she closed the door and crept out of her house.

the next day, at their coffee break, the brunette and redhead planned to leave early again, and they asked the blonde if she was going to go with them.

"no way," the blonde exclaimed. "i almost got caught yesterday!"

2007-06-04 05:09:52 · 6 answers · asked by in bed with Jesus 3

A cowboy, once, was having a drink in a saloon after a very weary day. As the guy was a regular client, the barman didn't mind at all that he was drinking since three long hours. However, when it was nearly time to close, the barman decided to go ask him to leave. Suddenly without even having time to tell him a word, he saw the cowboy taking out his gun with madness and pointing it at his glass of whisky, in which was floating a fly. The cowboy yells:
-Spit out what you've drunk or...!!!

2007-06-04 05:07:38 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

What's wrong with putting 4 chavs in a minibus and pushing it off a cliff?

You can fit 18 in a minibus.

2007-06-04 05:03:55 · 14 answers · asked by heartshapedglasses 4

2007-06-04 05:01:16 · 5 answers · asked by in bed with Jesus 3

Umm, I hear this all the time. I think the answer is definitely yes--of course it makes a sound! But other people disagree. What do you think??

2007-06-04 04:59:07 · 26 answers · asked by Mary D 3

A Black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a few days. When he comes home the first night he goes to the bedroom and laid out for him is a Superman costume. He yells out, "What are you doing? I've never heard of any Black Superman? Take this back, get me something else."
The next day the wife, returns the costume and gets him a Batman costume. He again yells, "What are you doing? I'm not going as Batman? Take this back and get me something else!"
By now the wife is irate, so the next evening when the husband comes home from work there laid out on the bed are three items. One is a set of three white buttons, another a wrestling belt, and the third is a 2 x 4 of wood. The husband yells out, "What the hell are these?"
The wife yells back, "You can take your clothes off and glue those three white buttons in front of you and go as a domino, or, you can take that belt and put it on and go as a cigar. Or stick that 2X4 up your *** and go as a fudgesicle!

2007-06-04 04:49:43 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-04 04:39:47 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

There are two statues in a park; one of a nude man and one of a nude woman.


They had been facing each other across a pathway for a hundred years, when one day an angel comes down from the sky and, with a single gesture, brings the two to life.

The angel tells them, "As a reward for being so patient through a hundred blazing summers and dismal winters, you have been given life for thirty minutes to do what you've wished to do the most."

He looks at her, she looks at him, and they go running behind the shrubbery.

The ang el waits patiently as the bushes rustle and giggling ensues. After fifteen minutes, the two return, out of breath and laughing.

The angel tells them, "Um, you have fifteen minutes left, "Would you care to do it again?"

He asks her. "Shall we?" She eagerly replies, "Oh, yes, let's! But let's change positions. This time, I'll hold the pigeon down, and you **** on its head."

..... AND WHAT WERE YOU THINKING????

2007-06-04 04:38:30 · 10 answers · asked by barz 2

Two blond guys were trying to apply in the army. So, one of them was in the general's office having an interview with the boss. The atmosphere was tough and the general was not at all a very pleasant character. The general, after some observations, asked the age of the guy.
-25 years general, he replied.
-Number of years you've worked?
-5 years sir.
-For which job are you applying for? Cook or soldier?
-Both sir, replied the blond.
After some seconds, the blond guy was breathing peacefully outside the office, spot his friend waiting for his turn. He took his friends in a corner and told him "The general will ask you 3 questions. To the first you reply '25', to the second '5' and to the last 'both'.
O.K and in the office he went, very self confident. After the evaluations, the general asked him
-Total number of years of work experience?
-25 sir
-Age?
-5 sir
The general annoyed gave him a hard look and asked
-Are you taking me for an idiot or a fathead?
-Both sir.

2007-06-04 04:36:08 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A bloke goes into a pub and the barmaid asks what he wants. "I want To bury my face in your cleavage and lick the sweat from between your t*ts"
he says."You dirty git" shouts the barmaid "get out before I get my husband."
The bloke apologises and promises not to repeat his gaffe. The barmaid accepts this and asks him again what he wants."I want to pull your pants down, spread yoghurt between the cheeks of your a**e and lick it all off"
he says." You dirty filthy pervert. You're barred. Get out!" she storms.

Again, the bloke apologises and swears never ever to do it again. "One more chance'" says the barmaid. "Now - what do you want?""I want to turn you upside down, open your legs and fill your f*nny with Stella Artois and then drink every last drop from it". The barmaid is furious at this personal intrusion, and runs upstairs to fetch her husband, who's sitting quietly watching the telly."What's up love?" he asks."There's a bloke in the bar who wants to put his head between my t*ts and lick the sweat off", she says."I'll kill him. Where is he?"
storms the husband."Then he said he wanted to pour yoghurt down between my a*se cheeks and lick it off" she screams."Right. He's dead," says the husband, reaching for a baseball bat.
Then he said he wanted to turn me upside down, fill my f*nny with Stella and then drink it all" she cries. The husband puts down his bat and returns to his armchair, and Switches the telly back on."Aren't you going to do something about it?" she cries hysterically......."Look love
- I'm not messing with someone who can drink 15 pints of Stella!!!!

2007-06-04 04:35:55 · 12 answers · asked by barz 2

......... a teenage boy and his younger neighbor pal were hanging out on their front stoop. The boy asked his older friend to go across the street to get some chewing gum,but he said he didn't wanna,so the boy ran over himself.

2007-06-04 04:15:13 · 9 answers · asked by birdwings_65 2

2007-06-04 04:06:40 · 11 answers · asked by linda c 5

You are participating in a race. You overtake the second person. What position do you finish?

If you overtake the last person, then you arrive...?

One day Kerry celebrated her birthday. Two days later her older twin brother, Terry, celebrated his birthday. How could this be?

Trouble with Sons: A woman had two sons who were born on the same hour of the same day of the same year. But they were not twins. How could this be so?
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
How many birthdays does the average man have?

--Some months have 31 days; how many have 28?

A woman gives a beggar 50 cents; the woman is the beggar's sister, but the beggar is not the woman's brother. How come?

Divide 30 by 1/2 and add 10. What is the answer?

--I have many eyes but cannot see.
I have no mouth or nose,but always smell.
Do not eat my tree or you will be,
a very rare FATALty.
The one who made it, didn't want it.
The one who bought it, didn't need it.
The one who used it, never saw it. What is it?

2007-06-04 03:32:55 · 26 answers · asked by d_champz_here 2

They think the reason he died was from eating those twelve year old nuts. Get it? lol.

2007-06-04 03:32:04 · 11 answers · asked by anniemogolf 2

Every day a 4th grade boy walks home from school past a 4th grade girl's house. One day he he stops to taunt the little girl. He holds up the football and says "See this football? Football is a boys game and girls can't have one!"

The little girl runs in the house crying and tells her mother about the encounter. She runs out and buys the girl a football. The next day the boy is riding home on his bike, and the girl shows him the football, yelling "Nah na nah na nah".

The little boy gets mad and points to his bike. "See this bike? This is a boys bike, and girls can't have them!"

Next day, the boy comes by and the little girl is riding a new boys bike. Now he is really mad. So he drops his pants, points at his private parts, and says "You see THIS? Only BOYS have these and your mother can't go buy you one!"

The next day as he passes the house he asks the little girl "Well, what do you have to say NOW?"
So she pulls up her dress, points to her private part and says "My mother told me that as long as I have one of these, I can have as many of THOSE as I want!"

2007-06-04 03:22:14 · 13 answers · asked by chinkyidevilishgrin 2

A tour bus driver is driving with a bus load of seniors down a highway when he is tapped on his shoulder by a little old lady. She offers him a handful of peanuts, which he gratefully munches up.

After about 15 minutes, she taps him on his shoulder again and she hands him another handful of peanuts. She repeats this gesture about five more times.

When she is about to hand him another batch again he asks the little old lady, "Why don't you eat the peanuts yourself?"

"We can't chew them because we've no teeth," she replied.

The puzzled driver asks, "Why do you buy them then?"

The old lady replied, "We just love the chocolate around them."

2007-06-04 03:11:34 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Sam Rottenegger got some free tickets to go and see his least favorite band. Sam, feeling a little unruly, stopped at the corner store so he could bring a 1/2 dozen eggs with him to the concert. The concert was packed and the tunes were so loud that Sam could hardly stand it. He started making his way through the crowd when one of the eggs broke in his pocket and ran down the inside of his shirt. Sam squirmed with disgust but thought how great it would be to see that yellow ooze on the band members. It took him 60 grueling minutes to make his way close enough to launch his attack. Sam chucked one right at the bass player but it just bounced off him without breaking. "Odd," Sam thought, but every one of the 4 eggs he threw just landed unbroken. He never got to throw the 5th as security removed Sam promptly. Sam, now half deaf, bruised, battered, and confused looked closely at the egg and noticed it wasn't exactly raw anymore.
What happened to the eggs? They were raw when he took them in

2007-06-04 03:09:32 · 14 answers · asked by ~just~me~ 1

she started writing high up on the chalkboard. Suddenly there was a giggle from one of the boys in the class. She quickly turned and asked, "What's so funny, Pat?"
"I just saw one of your garters!"
"Get out of my classroom," she yells, "I don't want to see you for three days!"
The teacher turns back to the chalkboard. Suddenly there is an even louder giggle from another male student. She quickly turns and asks, "What's so funny, Billy?"
"I just saw both of your garters!"
Again, she yells, "Get out of my classroom! This time the punishment is more severe, I don't want to see you for three weeks!"
Embarrassed and frustrated, she drops the eraser when she turns around again. So she bends over to pick it up. This time there is an burst of laughter from another male student. She quickly turns to see Johnny leaving the classroom.

"Where do you think you're going?" she asked

"From what I've just seen, my school days are over!"

2007-06-04 03:00:20 · 7 answers · asked by chloe1st 4

MINE !!


http://www.thestar.com/article/219830

2007-06-04 02:49:33 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A chicken and an egg are lying in bed. The chicken is sitting up against the headboard smoking a cigarette with a very satisfied smile on its face. The egg looking a bit pissed off, grabs the sheet, rolls over, and says "Well, I guess we finally answered THAT question."

2007-06-04 01:56:53 · 10 answers · asked by Optimistic 6