Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

They arrested two men driving a truck full of Preperation H towards the Whitehouse...

2007-06-03 08:49:53 · 1 answers · asked by Gaspode 7

They both say "Run for the border"

2007-06-03 08:49:17 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Mexican running across the border

2007-06-03 08:48:10 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

Late one evening, the day after he had lost his wife scuba diving, two grim-faced policemen paid Mr. Rhodes a visit. "We're sorry to disturb you at this hour, Mr Rhodes, but we have some information concerning your wife. Actually, we have some bad news, some pretty good news and some really great news. Which would you like to hear first?"

Obviously fearing the worst, Mr Rhodes asked for the bad news first.

"We're sorry to inform you, sir," the policeman said, "we found your wife's body in the San Francisco Bay this morning."
Oh, my God!" said a distraught Mr. Rhodes. Remembering what the policeman had said, he asked, "What's the good news?"

"When we pulled her up," said the policeman, "she had two five-pound lobsters and a dozen crabs on her."
"What?" a confused Mr Rhodes exclaimed. "So, what's the great news?"

As he smiled and smacked his lips, the officer replied, "We're going to pull her up again tomorrow."

2007-06-03 08:46:54 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Miss Beatrice, the church organist, was in her eighties and a spinster.
She was known for her sweetness and kindness to all.
One afternoon the pastor came to call on her and she showed him into her quaint sitting room. She invited him to sit while she prepared tea.
As he sat facing her old Hammond organ, the young minister noticed a glass bowl sitting on top of it, filled with water. In the water floated, of all things, a condom!
She returned with tea and biscuits, and they began to chat.
Curious about the bowl of water and its strange floater, the pastor had to ask.
“Miss Beatrice, I wonder if you would tell me about this?” pointing to the bowl.
“Oh, yes,” she replied, “Isn’t it wonderful? I was walking through the park a few months ago and found this little package on the ground.
The directions said to place it on the organ, keep it wet and that it would prevent the spread of disease.. Do you know I haven’t had the flu all winter”.

2007-06-03 08:46:20 · 22 answers · asked by Anonymous

what do you call cheese that doesnt belong to you.

2007-06-03 08:43:39 · 14 answers · asked by stephanie s 2

went up the hill to fetch a pale of water.
stupid jill forgot the pill
and now they have a daughter.

funny?

2007-06-03 08:41:57 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous

David Beckham is on millionaire and is asked. Which type of bird lives in a barn. He uses his 50 50 and is left with an owl and a cuckoo. David confidently says. Thats an owl . Chris Tarrant replies, thats the right answer David, well done. David then says, Thanks Chris, I wasnt sure until I did the 50 50, but everyone knows that cuckoos live in clocks

2007-06-03 08:32:32 · 11 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

A prostitute was visiting her doctor for a regular check up.

"Any specific problems you should tell me about? he doctor asked.

"Well, I have noticed lately that even if I get a tiniest cut, I bleed for hours," she replied, "Do you think I could be a hemophiliac?"

"Well," the doctor answered, "hemophilia is a genetic disorder usually found more in men, but it is possible. Tell me, how much do you lose when you have your period?" the doctor asked.

After calculating for a moment, then replied, "Oh about £700-£800 I guess."

2007-06-03 08:24:57 · 10 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A prostitute went to visit a "Work Mate" in the hospital before she was about to have a transplant.

The woman concerned about her friends welfare, went up to the surgeon about to do the operation and said, "doctor, I'm worried what if her body rejects the organ?"

The doctor replied, "Well she's 34 as in extremely good health, apart from the heart. How long has she been in the business?"

"She's been working since she was 18, why? the friend replied.

"Well," said the doctor, "If she's been working for 16 years and hasn't rejected an organ, I don't think she's about to start now!"

2007-06-03 08:17:32 · 11 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

On his first day in the navy, young Jimmy is given a tour of the vessel. The captain says. Jimmy, we understand that young men can get frustrated when they are at sea for long periods so here we have the barrel. From Monday to Saturday you can come and use the barrel. There are as you can see two holes in it. If you put your willy in the top one you will get oral sex. For full sex put it in the bottom one. OK? Jimmy replies, yes thats great, but why cant i use it on Sunday. The captain says, Because Sunday is your turn in the barrel.

2007-06-03 08:16:30 · 11 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

What happens if you cross a mexican with a blonde?

Some one who mows your driveway

2007-06-03 08:11:05 · 8 answers · asked by buggy555 1

I'm as small as an ant, as big as a whale. I'll approach like a breeeze, but can come like a gale. By some I get hit, but all have shown fear. I'll dance to the music, though I can't hear. Of names I have many, of names I have one. I'm as slow as a snail, but from me you can't run. What am I?


the correct answer get best answeer

2007-06-03 08:09:45 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women were playing golf. One teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole. The ball hit one of the men. He immediately clasped his hands together at his groin, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in agony.
The woman rushed down to the man, and immediately began to apologize.
"Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me," she told him.
"Oh, no, I'll be all right. I'll be fine in a few minutes," the man replied.
He was in obvious agony, lying in the foetal position, still clasping his hands together at his groin. At her persistence, however, he finally allowed her to help.
She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, loosened his pants and put her hands inside. She administered tender and artful massage for several long moments and asked, "How does that feel"?
He replied, "It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell!"

2007-06-03 08:06:29 · 46 answers · asked by Anonymous

"Better save that. We'll need it for the post mortem."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness."

"Rover! Come back here with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that.....uh.....that.....um thingie."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"There go the lights again."

"You know, there's big money in kidneys....and he's got 2 of them......"

"Everybody stand back! I lost my contact lenses."

"Could you stop that thing from beating, it's throwing my concentration off?"

"What's this doing here?"

"I hate it when they're missing stuff in here."

"That's cool! Now can you make his leg twitch?"

"Well folks, this will be an experiment for all of us."

"Sterile, shcmedle. The floor's clean, right?"

"What do you mean he wasn't in for a sex change...."

"Ok, now take a picture from this angle. This is truly a freak of nature!"

2007-06-03 07:59:05 · 15 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

A man walks into his doctors surgery and says. Docor, I canst talks pwopely. Whak is wong with mee. The doctor examines him and says. It seems your willy is too big and too much blood is going there, restricting blood flow to your head, affecting your voice. Take these tablets and come back in a week. The man returns in a week and says. Docor, the tagleps arent wookin. The doctor tells him that he has no other choice but to cut some of his willy off then, which he reluctantly agrees to. A week later he returns again and says, Doctor, I can talk properly again but the wife says she preferred me with the big willy so I need you to sew the other bit back on, to which the doctor replies, Sowwy, I musk ave wost it

2007-06-03 07:57:04 · 20 answers · asked by duck surprise 2

case?"
The other replied, "I had a patient who lived in a pure fantasy world. He believed that an uncle in South America was going to die and leave him a fortune. All day long he waited for a letter to arrive from an attorney. He never went out, he never did anything, he merely sat around and waited for this fantasy letter from this fantasy uncle. I worked with this man eight years."
"What was the result?"
"It was an eight-year struggle. Every day for eight years, but I finally cured him. And then that stupid letter arrived!"

2007-06-03 07:48:57 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A 92 year old man went to the doctor to get a physical. A few days later, the doctor saw the man walkng down the street with a gorgeous blonde lady on his arm.

A couple of days later, when the old man had an appointment with the doctor again, the doctor said, " You're really doing great, aren't you?"

The man replied, "Just doing what you said doctor, get a hot mamma and be cheerful."

The doctor said, "I didn't say that! I said you have a heart murmur. Be careful!"

2007-06-03 07:48:28 · 24 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

Maybe I shouldn't give you some of these, but I just have to:

Investment tips for 2007 For all of you
with any money left, be aware of the next expected mergers so that you can get in
on the ground floor and make some BIG bucks.

Watch for these consolidations in 2007.

1.) Hale Business Systems, Mary Kay Cosmetics, Fuller Brush, and W. R.Grace Co. Will merge and become:
Hale, Mary, Fuller, Grace.

2.) Polygram Records, Warner Bros., and Zesta Crackers join forces and become:
Poly, Warner Cracker.

3.) 3M will merge with Goodyear and and become:
MMMGood.

4. Zippo Manufacturing, Audi Motors, Dofasco, and Dakota Mining will merge and become:
ZipAudiDoDa.

5. FedEx is expected to join its competitor, UPS, and become:
FedUP.

6. Fairchild Electronics and Honeywell Computers will become:
Fairwell Honeychild.

7. Grey Poupon and Docker Pants are expected to become:
Poupon Pants.

8. Knotts Berry Farm and the National Organization of Women will become:
Knott NOW!

And finally ...

9. Victoria 's Secret and Smith & Wesson will merge under the new name:
Titty Titty Bang Bang

2007-06-03 07:36:22 · 2 answers · asked by lionaness813 2

A woman pregnant with triplets was walking down the street when a masked robber ran out of a bank & shot her 3 times in the stomach. Luckily the babies were ok. The surgeon decided to leave the bullets in because it was too risky to operate. She gave birth to 2 healthy daughters & a healthy son.
All was fine for 16 years, & then one daughter walked into the room in tears.
"What's wrong?" asked the mother. "I was taking a tinkle & this bullet came out," replied the daughter. The mother told her it was ok & explained what happened 16 years ago.
About a week later the 2nd daughter walked into the room in tears. "Mom, I was taking a tinkle & this bullet came out."
Again the mother told her not to worry & explained what happened 16 years ago.
A week later her son walked into the room in tears. "It's ok," said the mom. "I know what happened. You were taking a tinkle & a bullet came out."
"No," said the boy. "I was playing with myself & I shot the dog."

2007-06-03 07:26:09 · 9 answers · asked by Nancy M 7

First one to get the correct 2 answers gets best answer!!!

2007-06-03 07:18:51 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-03 07:11:26 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three men went to hell.

The devil said to them "You have come to hell, and you must now choose whether to spend eternity in room 1, 2 or 3"

He then opened the doors to the three rooms.

Room 1 was filled with men standing on their heads, on a hard wooden floor.

Room 2 was filled with men standing on the heads, on a cement floor.

Finally, room 3 had just a few men, standing in shxt up to their knees and drinking coffee.

The men thought for a while, and decided to go with room 3, as it was less crowded and they could drink coffee.

They entered the door to room 3 and just as it was closing behind them, the devil said "OK men, coffee break's over. Back on your heads."

2007-06-03 07:05:51 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

OK:::

These are old ones..but never mind!

Mickey Mouse's lawyer says " You can't divorce Minnie for having big teeth" Mickey replies "I didn't say she had big teeth, I said she was fuc*ing Goofy"!

-----------------------

What's the difference between a slapper and a bowling ball? ...... nothing... they both get picked up, fingered and then banged down an alley!

---------

A woman goes into a dentist, takes off her knickers & sits in dentist chair with a leg on each arm. The dentist says "You've made a mistake madam. The gynacolgist is on the next floor"

"No mistake" she replies " Yesterday you fitted my husband with new dentures today I want u 2 take them out!"

----

More to come

xxxx

2007-06-03 06:52:06 · 13 answers · asked by thumberlina 6

A Sunday school teacher began her lesson with a question. "Boys and girls, what do we know about God?"

A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.

"Really?! How do you know?" asked the teacher.

"You know – Our Father, who does art in Heaven."

2007-06-03 06:43:40 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

This is strictly a mathematical viewpoint ... it goes like this:

What makes 100%? What does it mean to give MORE than 100%? Ever wonder about those people who say they are giving more than 100%? We have all been to those meetings where someone wants you to give over 100%. How about achieving 103%?

So what makes up 100% in life, exactly? Here's a little mathematical formula that might help you answer these questions:

If:

A B C D E F G H I J K L M N O P Q R S T U V W X Y Z

is represented as:

1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26

Then:

H-A-R-D-W-O-R-K

8+1+18+4+23+15+18+11 = 98%

and

K-N-O-W-L-E-D-G-E

11+14+15+23+12+5+4+7+5 = 96%

but,

A-T-T-I-T-U-D-E

1+20+20+9+20+21+4+5 = 100%

and

B-U-L-L-S-H-I-T

2+21+12+12+19+8+9+20 = 103%

AND, look how far *** kissing will take you.

A-S-S-K-I-S-S-I-N-G

1+19+19+11+9+19+19+9+14+7 = 118%

So, we can now conclude this mathematical certainty that while Hard work and Knowledge will get you close, Attitude will get you there, it's the Bullshit and *** kissing that will put you over the top

2007-06-03 05:31:45 · 5 answers · asked by postypaul 3

A very shy lad goes to into a bar and sees a beautiful lass sitting at the bar.

After an hour of plucking up his courage (2 and 1/2 pints & 2 tequila shots) he finally goes over to her and asks, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She answers by shouting, at the top of her voice, "No, I won't be sleeping with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is staring at them. The lad is mortifiably embarrassed, he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry for before, but I'm a uni student doing a psychology course. My thesis is on how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his voice, "What do you mean £200."

2007-06-03 05:27:08 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-03 04:55:29 · 39 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

A teacher asks her class to use the word "contagious".

Roland the teacher's pet gets up and says, "Last year I got the measles and my mum said it was contagious."

"Well done, Roland," says the teacher. "Can anyone else try?"

Katie, a sweet little girl with pigtails, says, "My grandma says there's a bug going round, and it's contagious."

"Well done, Katie," says the teacher. "Anyone else?"

Little Sean jumps up and says in a broad Dublin accent, "Our next door neighbor is painting her house with a 2-inch brush, and my dad says it will take the contagious."

2007-06-03 04:54:18 · 7 answers · asked by nunnayo b 2

Answer me when I ask if this is funny.

2007-06-03 04:41:49 · 20 answers · asked by Angry Samurai 2