Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

2007-06-02 15:11:38 · 42 answers · asked by Anonymous

Would the police officer shoot them if they refused to put both hands in the air? =P

2007-06-02 15:06:27 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two women go out one weekend without their husbands. As they came back, right before dawn, both of them drunk, they felt the urge to pee.

They noticed the only place to stop was a cemetery. Scared and drunk, they
stopped and decided to go there anyway.

The first one did not have anything to clean herself with, so she took off
her panties and used them to clean herself and discarded them.

The second not finding anything either, thought "I'm not getting rid of my
panties..." so she used the ribbon of a flower wreath to clean herself.

The morning after, the two husbands were talking to each other on the phone, and one says to the other: "We have to be on the look-out, it seems that these two were up to no good last night, my wife came home without her panties...".

The other one responded: "You're lucky, mine came home with a card stuck to her bottom that read, "We will never forget you".

2007-06-02 15:03:32 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

(I will need to do multiplue edits to get all these in, PLEASE wait for me...)
(Star if you laughed)

On the first day of training for parachute jumping, a blonde listened intently to the instructor. He told them to start preparing for landing when they are at 300 feet.

The blonde asked, "How am I supposed to know when I'm at 300 feet?"

"That's a good question. When you get to 300 feet, you can recognize the faces of people on the ground."

After pondering his answer, she asked, "What happens if there's no one there I know?"

2007-06-02 14:46:58 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink.
As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"
He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

2007-06-02 14:44:18 · 20 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

He worked it out with a pencil.

2007-06-02 14:17:04 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two bowling teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes, charter a double-Decker bus for a weekend bowling tournament in Atlantic City.

The Brunette team rides in the bottom of the bus. The Blonde team rides on the top level.

The Brunette team down below is whooping it up having a great time, when one of them realizes she doesn't hear anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decides to go up and investigate.

When the Brunette reaches the top, she finds all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight-ahead at the road, and clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

She says, "What the heck's goin' on up here? We're havin' a grand time downstairs!" One of the Blondes from the second team looks up and says, "Yeah, but you've got a driver!"

2007-06-02 14:14:33 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A man walks into bar with a dog that has 2 legs. The batender says
" Hey nice dog, does it have a name?"
The man says, "No I figured that if I called it, it wouldn't come anyway."


A horse walks into a bar. The bartender says,"Hey, why the long face?"


A grasshopper crawls into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender brings it to him and says,"You know we have a drink named after you."
The grasshopper says, "Really? You have a drink named Steve?"

2007-06-02 14:03:52 · 13 answers · asked by ♥Petlover♥ 4

What name would you call it?

2007-06-02 13:45:10 · 13 answers · asked by Romeo 7

2007-06-02 13:15:15 · 19 answers · asked by Romeo 7

2007-06-02 12:55:27 · 2 answers · asked by buddyjmt 1

I told the doctor I broke my leg in two places. He told me to quit going to those places.
-- Henny Youngman

A cynic is a man who, when he smells flowers, looks around for a coffin.
-- H.L. Mencken

The reason there are two senators for each state is so that one can be the designated driver.
-- Jay Leno

It is difficult to produce a television documentary that is both incisive and probing when every 12 minutes one is interrupted by dancing rabbits singing about toilet paper.
--Rod Serling

I know that there are people in this world who do not love their fellow man, and I hate people like that!
-- Tom Lehrer

I stopped believing in Santa Claus when my mother took me to see him in a department store, and he asked for my autograph.
-- Shirley Temple

2007-06-02 12:50:40 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

I make these up mself so they may not be that good If you like then star .Will add answer at later date.

I have 2 legs yet I can not walk
I can walk with you yet I can not run
I can run yet you can not measure me
you can measure me yet I always change size
what am I?

2007-06-02 11:34:18 · 23 answers · asked by mad123 2

uhhh anything it doesnt have to make sense first one with the best one gets 10 points

2007-06-02 11:29:03 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blonde girls were working for the city public

> works department. One would dig a hole and the other

> would follow behind her and fill the hole in. They

> worked up one side of the street, then down the

> other, then moved on to the next street, working

> furiously all day without rest, one girl digging a

> hole, the other girl filling it in again.

>

> An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but

> couldn't understand what they were doing. So he

> asked the hole digger, "I'm impressed by the effort

> you two are putting in to your work, but I don't get

> it -- why do you dig a hole, only to have your

> partner follow behind and fill it up again?"

>

> The hole digger wiped her brow and sighed, "Well, I

> suppose it probably looks odd because we're normally

> a three-person team. But today the girl who plants

> the trees called in sick.

2007-06-02 11:20:18 · 10 answers · asked by si_kleeg 3

one day a guy is driving down the road and he spots a pig with a wooden leg, he just had to stop and find out what the story was
so he goes to the farm and meets the farmer, 'excuse me sir, but why does that pig have a wooden leg"

the farmer says "that there pig save my boy from drowning, that there pig saved my wife from getting hit by a car"

yeah, that's great sir, but why does he have a wooden leg

the farmer says "well, he's such a great pig, we can't EAT him all at ONCE"

2007-06-02 10:33:47 · 12 answers · asked by YBslo 3

# Maternity leave would last 2 years.......with full pay.

# There would be a cure for stretch marks.

# Natural childbirth would be obsolete.

# Morning sickness would rank as the world's number one problem.

# All methods of birth control would be 100% effective.

# Children would be kept in the hospital until toilet trained.

# Men would be eager to commit.

# They wouldn't think twins were cute/hot.

# Sons would have to be home at 9pm sharp.

# Briefcases would be used as nappy bags.

# Paternity suits would be a fashion line of clothes.

# They'd stay in bed for the entire pregnancy.

# Restaurants would include ice cream and pickles as main courses.

# Women would rule the world.

2007-06-02 10:32:57 · 27 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

The River:

Three men were hiking through a forest when they came upon a large raging violent river. Needing to get on the other side, the first man prayed, "God, please give me the strength to cross the river."

Poof!

God gave him big arms and strong legs and he was able to swim across in about 2 hours, having almost drowned twice.

After witnessing that, the second man prayed, "God, please give me strength and the tools to cross the river."

Poof!

God gave him a rowboat and strong arms and strong legs and he was able to row across in about an hour after almost capsizing once.

Seeing what happened to the first two men, the third man prayed, "God, please give me the strength, the tools and the intelligence to cross the river.

Poof!

He was turned into a woman. She checked the map, hiked one hundred yards up stream and walked across the bridge.

2007-06-02 10:27:19 · 9 answers · asked by theresa t 3

A very shy lad goes to into a bar and sees a beautiful lass sitting at the bar.

After an hour of plucking up his courage (2 and 1/2 pints & 2 tequila shots) he finally goes over to her and asks, "Um, would you mind if I chatted with you for a while?"

She answers by shouting, at the top of her voice, "No, I won't be sleeping with you tonight!"

Everyone in the bar is staring at them. The lad is mortifiably embarrassed, he slinks back to his table.

After a few minutes, the woman walks over to him and apologises. She smiles at him and says, "I'm sorry for before, but I'm a uni student doing a psychology course. My thesis is on how people respond to embarrassing situations."

To which he responds, at the top of his voice, "What do you mean £200."

2007-06-02 10:25:28 · 22 answers · asked by MYKLIA G 5

what did the fish say when he hit a concrete wall?

dam.


What do you call a fish with no eyes?

a fssssssssssh

ahah anyone else have any jokes?

2007-06-02 10:02:48 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Game Of Intelligence
There was a blonde who found herself sitting next to a Lawyer on an airplane. The lawyer just kept bugging the blonde wanting her to play a game of intelligence. Finally, the lawyer offered her 10 to 1 odds, and said every time the blonde could not answer one of his questions, she owed him $5, but every time he could not answer hers, he'd give her $50.00. The lawyer figured he could not lose, and the blonde reluctantly accepted.

The lawyer first asked, "What is the distance between the Earth and the nearest star?"

Without saying a word the blonde handed him $5. then the blonde asked, "What goes up a hill with 3 legs and comes back down the hill with 4 legs?"

Well, the lawyer looked puzzled. He took several hours, looking up everything he could on his laptop and even placing numerous air-to-ground phone calls trying to find the answer. Finally, angry and frustrated, he gave up and paid the blonde $50.00

The blonde put the $50 into her purse without comment, but the lawyer insisted, "What is the answer to your question?"

Without saying a word, the blonde handed him $5.

2007-06-02 09:54:09 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

A french man comes from France to the USA, he doesn't know any English so he goes to a school to learn English. His first homework assignment was to learn 3 different new words. So he goes to the airport to pick up his grandmother and he learns how to say "takeoff". He went to the zoo with his grandmother and learned how to say "Zebra". His grandmother had a sudden heart attack and he walked into the wrong hospital room which happened to be the nursery and he learned to say "Baby". When he went back to school that dad the teacher says "so what words have you learned?" He had an accent and said
"take off ze bra baby"

sounds funnier when you say it aloud = P

2007-06-02 09:40:07 · 23 answers · asked by Shutter Speed Is All You Need 5

There were 3 pirates on an island.
A Bottle washed up along the shore and a Genie came out.
The Genie said Ill grant you each one wish.


1

The First Pirate said "I wish I was a fish!"
And he was blessed and swam to the city.

2

The Second Pirate said "I wish I was an eagle!"
And he was blessed and flew to the city.

3

The Third Pirate said "I wish I was smart!"
And he was blessed.
So he walked on the bridge to the city.

2007-06-02 09:39:19 · 10 answers · asked by AndrU 2

Not that many details and i actually only know the answer to the first half trying to see if any of yall know

2007-06-02 09:38:46 · 9 answers · asked by drmj1228 1

..She took a ruler to bed to see how long she slept.
..she sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
..she thought a quarterback was a refund.
..she tried to put M&M's in alphabetical order.
..she thought Boyz II Men was a day care center.
..she thought Eartha Kitt was a set of garden tools.
..she thought General Motors was in the Army.
..she thought Meow Mix was a CD for cats.
..she thought TuPac Shakur was a Jewish holiday.
..under "education" on her job application, she put "Hooked On Phonics."
..she tripped over a cordless phone.
..she spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice can because it said "concentrate."
..she told me to meet her at the corner of "WALK" and "ONE WAY."
..at the bottom of the application where it says "sign here", she put "Sagittarius."
..she asked for a price check at the Dollar Store.
..she studied for a blood test.
..she thought she needed a token to get on "Soul Train."
..she sold the car for gas money!
..when she missed the 44 bus, she took the 22 bus twice instead.
..when she went to the airport and saw a sign that said "Airport Left," she turned around and went home.
..when she heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, she moved.
..she thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican phone company.
..if she spoke her mind, she'd be speechless.
..she thought that she could not use her AM radio in the evening.

Last but not least:

..she had a shirt that said "TGIF," which she thought stood for: This Goes In Front

2007-06-02 09:38:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

shoot kid i got ya covered

2007-06-02 09:32:41 · 20 answers · asked by georgie 4

Every time my brother and I see my cousins from Alabama, we tell them Alabama jokes. Well, we're seeing them soon, and traditions must be maintained, and we need new ones.

This one made them chase me last year:

You heard of the fire in the Alabama governor's mansion? Damn near took out the whole trailer park!

2007-06-02 09:28:24 · 3 answers · asked by GreenEyedLilo 7

John was a clerk in a small drugstore but he was not much of a salesman. He could never find the item the customer wanted. Bob, the owner, had had about enough and warned John that the next sale he missed would be his last.

Just then a man came in coughing and he ask John for their best cough syrup. Try as he might John could not find the cough syrup. Remembering Bob?s warning he sold the man a box of Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once. The customer did as John said and then walked outside and leaned against a lamp post.

Bob had seen the whole thing and came over to ask John what had transpired.

"He wanted something for his cough but I couldn?t find the cough syrup. I substituted Ex-Lax and told him to take it all at once," John explained.

"Ex-Lax won?t cure a cough" Bob shouted angrily.

"Sure it will" John said, pointing at the man leaning on the lamp post."Look at him. He?s afraid to cough!"

2007-06-02 09:10:26 · 8 answers · asked by babycakes_rocks 3

My mom sent me this one. You like?

A priest, a doctor, and a lawyer were stuck behind a particularly slow group of golfers. After three holes, they complained to the greenskeeper.

"Sorry, guys. That's a group of blind firefighters," he explained. "They lost their sight keeping our clubhouse from burning down last year, so we let them play through."

"That's so sad," said the priest. "I'll say a special prayer for them tonight."
"Good idea," the doctor agreed. "I've got a buddy who's an opthamologist. Maybe he knows something that'll help."
"I guess," the lawyer said. "But why can't they play at night?"

2007-06-02 09:02:01 · 5 answers · asked by GreenEyedLilo 7

2007-06-02 08:58:29 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous