Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

Because tomorrow is the first day of school and I've been through alot since I've moved, and Im just really really nervous.

=D

2007-06-04 01:50:04 · 9 answers · asked by Cassandra S. 6

An explorer was captured by a tribe whome chief decided that the man should die. The chief was a very logical man and gave the explorer a choice. The explorer was to make a single statement.
If it was true, he would be thrown over a high cliff. If it was
false, he would be eaten by lions. What statement did the clever explorer make that forced the chief to let him go?

2007-06-04 01:48:15 · 6 answers · asked by dada's 2

Two hundred soles were lost.

2007-06-04 01:45:54 · 12 answers · asked by Crystal T 2

If I said Arnold Schwarzenegger had a big one, and Michael York had a small one.
Mickey Mouuse has a strange one, and although the Pope does have one as well he never uses it.
Cher does not have one at all, neither does Maddona or Lulu
Yet when Bill Clinton was President, he always used his wherever he went.

What am I talking about?

Any suggestions?

I will post the answer later on this evening

2007-06-03 23:33:16 · 32 answers · asked by LONE WOLF 1

At 85 years of age, Morris married Lou Anne, a lovely 25 year old.

Since her new husband is so old, Lou Anne decides that after their wedding she and Morris should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her new but aged husband may overexert himself if they spend the entire night together.

After the wedding festivities Lou Anne prepares herself for bed and the expected "knock" on the door. Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Morris, her 85 year old groom ready for action. They unite as one.

All goes well, Morris takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to sleep. After a few minutes, Lou Anne hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Morris. Again he is ready for more "action".

Somewhat surprised, Lou Anne consents for more coupling. When the newlyweds are done, Morris kisses his bride, bids her a fond goodnight and leaves.

She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha you guessed it, Morris is back again, rapping on the door, and is as fresh as a 25-year-old, ready for more "action". And, once again they enjoy each other.

But as Morris gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, "I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only good once. You are truly a great lover, Morris."

Morris, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Lou Anne and says: "You mean I was here already?"

2007-06-03 22:15:04 · 9 answers · asked by Gina B 4

I’m hungry = I’m hungry

I’m sleepy = I’m sleepy

I’m tired = I’m tired

Nice dress = Nice cleavage!

I love you = Let’s have sex now

I’m bored = Do you want to have sex?

What’s wrong = I guess sex tonight is out of the question

I love you, too = Okay, I said it...we’d better have sex now!

May I have this dance? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I call you sometime? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Do you want to go to a movie? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Can I take you out to dinner? = I’d eventually like to have sex with you

Will you marry me? = I want to make it illegal for you to have sex with other guys

You look tense, let me give you a massage = I want to have sex with you in the next ten minutes

Let’s talk = I am trying to impress you by showing that I am a deep person and maybe then you’d like to have sex with me

I don’t think those shoes go with that outfit = I am gay

2007-06-03 21:14:41 · 6 answers · asked by Samuel D 1

Yes = No

No = Yes

Maybe = No

We need = I want

I’m sorry = You’ll be sorry

We need to talk = I need to complain

Sure...go ahead = I don’t want you to

Is my butt fat? = Tell me I’m beautiful

Do what you want = You’ll pay for this later

I’m not upset = Of course I’m upset, you moron!

Are you listening to me?? = Too late, you’re dead

You have to learn to communicate = Just agree with me

Be romantic, turn out the lights = I have flabby thighs

You’re so.. manly = You need a shave and you sweat a lot

Do you love me? = I’m going to ask for something expensive

It’s your decision = The correct decision should be obvious by now

You’re certainly attentive tonight = Is sex all you ever think about??

I’ll be ready in a minute = Kick off your shoes and find a good game on TV

How much do you love me? = I did something today that you’re really not going to like

2007-06-03 21:14:03 · 15 answers · asked by Samuel D 1

2007-06-03 21:02:24 · 8 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-03 21:00:30 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-03 20:56:18 · 25 answers · asked by Anonymous

no one ever replies "a boat"

2007-06-03 20:46:36 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A blind man walks into a restaurant and sits down. The waiter, who is also the owner, walks up to the blind man and hands him a menu.

"I'm sorry, sir, but I am blind and can't read the menu. Just bring me a dirty fork from a previous customer. I'll smell it and order from there."

A little confused, the owner walks over to the dirty dish pile and picks up a greasy fork. He returns to the blind man's table and hands it to him. The blind man puts the fork to his nose and takes in a deep breath.
"Ah, yes, that's what I'll have -- meatloaf and mashed potatoes."

Unbelievable, the owner thinks as he walks toward the kitchen. The cook happens to be the owner's wife. He tells her what had just happened. The blind man eats his meal and leaves.

Several days later, the blind man returns and the owner mistakenly brings him a menu again.

"Sir, remember me? I'm the blind man."

"I'm sorry, I didn't recognize you. I'll go get you a dirty fork."

The owner retrieves a dirty fork and brings it to the blind man. After another deep breath, the blind man says, "That smells great. I'll take the macaroni and cheese with broccoli."

Walking away in disbelief, the owner thinks the blind man is screwing around with him and tells his wife that the next time the blind man comes in, he's going to test him. The blind man eats and leaves.

He returns the following week, but this time the owner sees him coming and runs to the kitchen. He tells his wife, "Sue, rub this fork on your panties before I take it to the blind man."

Sue complies and hands her husband the fork. As the blind man walks in and sits down, the owner is ready and waiting.

"Good afternoon, sir, this time I remembered you and I already have the fork ready for you."

The blind man puts the fork to his nose, takes a deep whiff, and says, "Hey I didn't know that Sue worked here..."

2007-06-03 19:32:51 · 20 answers · asked by Anonymous

A local bean farmer was blessed with a wonderful crop this fall. In fact he had so many beans, he needed to unload them somehow.

With all the hoopla about the upcoming Super Bowl, he decided that would be a good venue to reach more people.

With this in mind he went to the local TV station to speak with the advertising manager.
T
he farmer said, "I would like to purchase a minute or two during the Super Bowl to advertise my wonderful beans. I have such a bountiful crop of beans of all kinds; pinto beans, lima beans, navy beans, red beans..."

The sales manager said, "OK, OK, I get the message. And what would you be able to pay for this amount of prime advertising time?"

The farmer scratched his beard, looked off, then said, very solemnly, "I'd be willing to go as high as $300 to reach those folks."

"$300?" the manager yelled, "You must be out of your mind!!! The current sponsors pay through the nose to get the exposure of the Super Bowl! For example, the makers of Kotex pay MILLIONS of dollars to reach the audience!"

The farmer very evenly replied, "I'm sure that's right. But those people are out for blood. I'm just farting around."

2007-06-03 19:29:34 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

* She stops reading Glamour and starts reading Guns and Ammo.


* She considers chocolate a major FDA food group.


* She puts on one of those pads with "wings," then flies off the roof laughing hysterically while riding a broom.


* She's developed a new talent for spinning her head around in 360 degree circles.


* She retains more water than Lake Superior.


* She denies she's in a bad mood as she pops a clip into her semiautomatic and "chambers one."


* She buys you a new T-shirt -with a bulls-eye on the front.


* You ask her to please pass the salt at the dinner table and she says,"All I ever do is give, give, give! AM I SUPPOSED TO DO EVERYTHING?"


* She enrolls in the Lizzie Borden School of Charm.


* She orders 3 Big Macs, 4 large fries, a bucket of Chicken McNuggets,and then mauls the manager because they're out of Diet Coke.

2007-06-03 19:27:37 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A married man was having an affair with his secretary. One day they went her place and made love all afternoon. Exhausted, they fell asleep and woke up at 8 PM.

The man hurriedly dressed and told his lover to take his shoes outside and rub them in the grass and dirt. He put on his shoes and drove home.

"Where have you been?" his wife demanded.

"I can't lie to you," he replied, "I'm having an affair with my secretary. We had sex all afternoon."

"You lying bastard! You've been playing golf!"

2007-06-03 19:24:42 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A baby wears its' diaper on its bottom, and a terrorist wears their diaper on their head.
and they are both full of crap.

2007-06-03 18:57:53 · 9 answers · asked by Mr. & Mrs, RICK & KRIS C & H 2

not only can it turn on a dime but it will stop to pick it up too.

2007-06-03 18:43:17 · 7 answers · asked by nascarfan7677 3

3 people go to a hotel and each paid $10 for the rent. The landlord decided to give back $5 and tells his son to give the $5 back. But the son steals $2 and returned $3 ($1 each) to the 3 people. So each person paid $9*3=$27...and the son stole $2, making $27+$2=$29, but they paid $30 in the beginning. What happened?

2007-06-03 18:00:35 · 5 answers · asked by Anonymous

After his exam the doctor said to the elderly man: "You appear to be in good health. Do you have any medical concerns you would like to ask me about?"

In fact, I do," said the old man.

"After I have sex I am usually cold and chilly, and then, after I have sex with her the second time, I am usually hot and sweaty."

After examining his elderly wife, the doctor said: "Everything appears to be fine. Do you have any medical concerns that you would like to discuss with me?"

The lady replied that she had no questions or concerns.

The doctor then said to her: "Your husband had an unusual concern. He claims that he is usually cold and chilly after having sex with you the first time, and then hot and sweaty after the second time. Do you know why?"

"Oh that crazy old fart," she replied. "That's because the first time is usually
in January and the second time is in August."

2007-06-03 16:41:33 · 26 answers · asked by paris 1

riddle

2007-06-03 15:35:00 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-03 15:28:31 · 4 answers · asked by nil_queen 3

And Mr. Green Jeans?

2007-06-03 15:27:37 · 7 answers · asked by nil_queen 3

is anyone tired right now because i know i am and it is only 9:02 ugh!
well i think im gonna answer a few more questions them im hitting the sack

2007-06-03 15:03:13 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.

One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. She sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears,
"You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.

When I got fired, you were there to support me When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.

When we lost the house, you stayed right here.

When my health started failing, you were still by my side...You know what?"

"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.


"I think you're bad lu ck, f##k off!."

2007-06-03 14:54:28 · 41 answers · asked by ? 5

The Horny Guy and the Whorehouse

There is this extremely horny guy who loves to have sex with everyone except his wife. One day, he is going on a buisness trip, and before he leaves, his wife says, ''I'll leave you if you sleep with anyone on your trip.''
He is driving to his destination, and he sees a sign that says ''Church of Latter-Day Saints Whorehouse -- 10 miles.'' He thinks to himself, ''I'll just ignore it or my wife will leave me.'' There is a sign for it every mile, so he finally breaks down and goes where the sign says to go. He knocks on the door of the whorehouse and a nun comes to the door. The man says, ''Where can I get a whore?''
The nun says, ''I'll need $500 first.'' The man says okay and pays, then asks about his whore again. The nun replies, ''We will need another $100.'' The man pays then asks for his whore again. The nun says ''Okay, see that hallway. Wait for 15 minutes. Go straight, left, straight, right and you'll see a door.''

He follows the directions, walks out the door and finds himself in the parking lot. His car has a sign on it that says, ''Congrats. You have just been screwed by the Church of Latter-Day Saints.''

2007-06-03 14:41:29 · 10 answers · asked by Anonymous

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."

2007-06-03 14:17:54 · 9 answers · asked by Lizzie 2

A guy walks into a bar and sees a big jar crammed full of money, at least ,000 worth. He asks the bartender, "What's up with the jar?"

The bartender replies, "It's the prize for the contest we're having."

"Contest? What contest?"

"First," the bartender says, pointing to the biggest guy in the place, "you have to go over there and lay him out with one punch. Then, down in the store room, there's a pit bull with a gold molar and you have to extract it. Finally, across the street is an 80 year old lady who hasn't had an orgasm for 65 years... you need to give her one. Do all that and the money is yours!"

"Okay," the guy says, "I can do that." He takes a deep breath and summons up all his strength. He goes over to the big guy who the bartender pointed out, takes a mighty swing and lays him out with just one punch. Feeling good, the guy then proceeds down to the store room. For the next half hour, all that can be heard is barking, screaming, growling, and intense shrieks of pain. At last, the guy returns, though somewhat bloodied and with his clothes torn to pieces.

"Okay, now," says the guy, "where's that lady with the gold tooth?"

2007-06-03 13:59:23 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, when the teacher walked to the black board, she noticed someone had written the word "penis" in tiny letters. She turned to the class, scanned the boys and girls, looking for the guilty face. Finding not a guilty face in the bunch, she quickly erased the blackboard and began her class.

The next day, the teacher went into the classroom and noticed, in larger letters this time, the word "penis" scrolled on the blackboard. Again, she looked around the classroom in vain for the culprit, but found none. And so, the teacher erased the blackboard and proceeded with the day's lesson.

Every morning, for about a week, the teacher went into the classroom and found the same word written on the blackboard, each day, scrolled larger than the previous day.

Finally, one day, the teacher walked into the classroom expecting to be greeted by the same word on the board. Instead, she found scrolled on the blackboard:

"The more you rub it, the bigger it gets

2007-06-03 13:54:22 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous

A very loud, unattractive, mean-acting woman walks into Wal-Mart with her two kids in tow, screaming obscenities at them all the way through the entrance.

The Wal-Mart Greeter says, "Good morning and welcome to Wal-Mart. Nice children you've got there - are they twins?"

The ugly woman stops screaming long enough to say, "Hell no they ain't! The oldest one, he's 9 and the younger one, she's 7. Why the hell would you think they're twins? Do you really think they look alike?"

"No", replies the greeter, "I just couldn't believe you got laid twice."

2007-06-03 13:46:57 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

One hat says to the other, "You stay here while I go on a head."

2007-06-03 13:44:23 · 9 answers · asked by the soccer guy 3