Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

A police officer stops a blonde for speeding and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replies in a huff, "I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you take away my license and then today you expect me to show it to you!"


a star if funny

2007-06-04 21:51:38 · 11 answers · asked by vanessa 3

A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night. It was her turn. She rolled the dice and she landed on Science &Nature. Her question was, "If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name, can you hear it?"
She thought for a time and then asked, "Is it on or off?"

2007-06-04 21:50:32 · 11 answers · asked by vanessa 3

A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station. She tells the mechanic it died. After he works on it for a few minutes, it is idling smoothly.

She says, "What's the story?"
He replies, "Just crap in the carburetor"
She asks, "How often do I have to do that?"

2007-06-04 21:44:40 · 10 answers · asked by vanessa 3

A bus stops and 2 men get on. They sit down and engage in an
animated conversation.
The lady sitting next to them ignores them at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of them say the following:
"Emma come first.
Den I come.
Den two asses come together.
I come once-a-more!
Two asses, they come together again.
I come again and pee twice.
Then I come one lasta time."

The lady can't take this any more,
"You foul-mouthed sex obsessed pig," she retorted indignantly.

"In this country. we don't speak aloud in Public places about our sex lives.

"Hey, coola down lady," said the man.
"Who talkin'abouta sex? I'm a justa tellin' my frienda how to spell
'Mississippi'."

2007-06-04 21:42:24 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

Two blondes living in Oklahoma were sitting on a bench talking........ and one blonde says to the other, "Which do you think is farther away..........Florida or the moon?"
The other blonde turns and says "Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida...?????"

2007-06-04 21:37:40 · 14 answers · asked by vanessa 3

A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
"Impossible!" says the doctor. "Show me."
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left breast and screamed, then she pushed her elbow and screamed in even more. She pushed her knee and screamed; likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed. Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, "You're not really a redhead, are you?
"Well, no" she said, "I'm actually a blonde."
"I thought so," the doctor said. "Your finger is broken."

2007-06-04 21:36:34 · 10 answers · asked by vanessa 3

It's about 2 o'clock ,and you know how things look in a bar about two o'clock.. well there's a panda bear and a prostitute sitting together, and the woman asks if he would like to go home with her.. the panda bear looks her over and says sure.. so they go to her place they have a good time and the panda bear gets up to leave, when the prostitute yells ,"where do you think you're going?" the panda bear answers that he is going home, the woman then explains that she is a prostitute and the panda bear answers that he knows but he is a panda bear.. they can't see eye to eye on it so they decide to look it up in WEBSTER's ... they look up prostitute: a woman that gets paid for sexual favors, the panda bear answers that yes he knew that, now look up panda bear: a black and white bear that eats bushes and leaves.

2007-06-04 21:10:19 · 5 answers · asked by Gina B 4

Once there was this doctor that moved out to the country to become a farmer. He said to himself, "Well, since I'm going to have a farm, I'd might as well have animals on it." So the doctor got in his truck to go looking. Along the way, he spotted a sign saying, "Cocks 4 Sale." He pulled over and asked the farmer what a cock was. "A cock is a rooster," the farmer replied. So the doctor bought a cock and put it in the back of his truck. The doctor continued on his way until he saw a sign saying, "Pullets 4 Sale." The doctor pulled over and asked the farmer what a pullet was. "A pullet is a hen," the farmer replied. "But sometimes a cock and pullet will fight, so watch out." So the doctor thanked the farmer and went on his merry way. Down the road a bit, there was another sign saying, "A**es 4 Sale." So the doctor pulled over again to ask. "An a** is a donkey," the farmer repied. "But watch out because this donkey is different. If he gets scared, he'll sit down and won't move until you scratch his belly." The doctor thanked this farmer and turned around to head home. Well, in the road was a broken bottle and the doctor's truck ran over it. Pop!!!! The sound made the cock and pullet started to fight and the donkey sat on the spare tire. A lady just happened to be passing by and asked if the doctor needed help. The doctor, wanting to sound like a professional farmer, replied, "Yes, I need help. Will you please hold my cock and pullet while I scratch my a**???"

2007-06-04 21:05:36 · 10 answers · asked by Gina B 4

YOUR AGE BY EATING OUT
Don't tell me your age; you probably would tell a falsehood anyway-but your waiter may know!
YOUR AGE BY DINER & RESTAURANT MATH
This is pretty neat.
DON'T CHEAT BY SCROLLING DOWN FIRST!
It takes less than a minute.
Work this out as you read.
Be sure you don't read the bottom until you've worked it out!
This is not one of those waste of time things, it's fun.
1. First of all, pick the number of times a week that you would like to go out to eat.
(more than once but less than 10)
2. Multiply this number by 2 (just to be bold)
3. Add 5
4. Multiply it by 50
5. If you have already had your birthday this year add 1757 ....
If you haven't, add 1756.
6. Now subtract the four digit year that you were born.

You should have a three digit number
The first digit of this was your original number
(I.e., how many times you want to go out to restaurants in a week.)
The next two numbers are
YOUR AGE! (Oh YES, it is!!!!!)
THIS IS THE ONLY YEAR (2007) IT WILL EVER WORK, SO SPREAD IT AROUND WHILE IT LASTS

2007-06-04 20:58:53 · 12 answers · asked by sk8ter_girl_of07 2

To whom it may concern:

Just keeping you posted so you will not embarrass yourself.

Due to the climate of political correctness now "pervading" America, those of us in Northern Alabama, North Georgia, Tennessee, North Carolina, Western South Carolina, Virginia, West Virginia, and Kentucky will no longer be referred to as "HILLBILLIES."

You must now refer to us as: "APPALACHIAN-AMERICANS".

Thank you!

Now if you'll excuse me, I got possums to fry.

2007-06-04 20:44:09 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Birmingham man left the cold streets of ‘Brum for a vacation in Florida. His wife was on a business trip and was planning to meet him there the next day. When he reached his hotel, he decided to send his wife a quick e-mail.

Unable to find the scrap of paper on which he had written her e-mail address, he did his best to type it in from memory. Unfortunately, he missed one letter, and his note was directed instead to an elderly vicar's wife whose husband had passed away only the day before. When the grieving widow checked her e-mail, she took one look at the monitor, let out a piercing scream, and fell to the floor dead.

At the sound, her family rushed into the room and saw this note on the screen:

Dearest Wife,

Just got checked in. Everything prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Your Loving Husband.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

2007-06-04 20:10:50 · 8 answers · asked by billtheangler 5

An elderly couple, Ray and Bessie, have retired to Texas. Ray always wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. Seeing some on sale one day, he buys them and wears them home, walking proudly.
He walks into the house and says to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?"
Bessie looks him over, "Nope."
Frustrated, Ray storms off into the bathroom, undresses, and walks back into the room completely naked except for the boots. Again, he asks, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different now??"
Bessie looks up and says, "Ray, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."
Furious, Ray yells, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT IS HANGING DOWN, BESSIE? IT'S HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!!!!!!" To which Bessie replies, "Shoulda bought a hat, Ray. Shoulda bought a hat."

2007-06-04 20:09:30 · 26 answers · asked by ry_in_dubai 3

Three women are about to be executed for crimes.
One's a brunette, one's a redhead, and one's a blonde.
Two guards bring the brunette forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts,
"Ready . . . Aim . . ." Suddenly the brunette yells, "earthquake!!" Everyone is startled and looks around. She manages to escape. The angry guards then bring the redhead forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The redhead then screams, "tornado!!" Yet again, everyone is startled and looks around. She too escapes execution. By this point, the blonde has figured out what the others did. The guards bring her forward, and the executioner asks if she has any last requests. She also says no, and the executioner shouts, "Ready . . . Aim . . ." The blonde shouts, "Fire!!"

2007-06-04 19:44:09 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

Honor Thy Brother
A mother was preparing pancakes for her sons, Kevin, 5, and Ryan, 3. The boys began to argue over who would get the first pancake.Their mother seeing the opportunity for a moral lesson, said, "If Jesus were sitting here, He would say, 'Let my brother have the first pancake. I can wait.'"
Kevin turned to his younger brother and said, "Ryan, you be Jesus."
For The Kids...

Teacher: I hope I didn't see you looking at Fred's test paper.
Pupil: I hope you didn't see me either!

Teacher: You copies from Fred's exam paper didn't you?
Pupil: How did you know?
Teacher: Fred's paper says "I don't know" and you have put "Me,
neither"!

What was Camelot famous for?
It's knight life!

2007-06-04 19:38:48 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

A Blonde is overweight, so her doctor puts her on a diet. He tells her, "I want you to eat regularly for two days, then skip a day, and repeat the procedure for two weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least five pounds." When the Blonde returns, she's lost nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor says. "Did you follow my instructions?" The Blonde nods and answers, "I'll tell you, though, I thought I was going to drop dead that third day." "From hunger, you mean?" asks the doctor. "No", replied the Blonde, "From skipping".

2007-06-04 19:13:23 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

i think old is about 80's & 75

2007-06-04 18:17:51 · 10 answers · asked by ? 1

which came 1st the chicken or the egg????

2007-06-04 17:36:22 · 12 answers · asked by Anonymous

Three blondes were witnesses to a crime, so they went to the police station to identify the suspect. The police chief said he would show them a mug shot of someone for thirty seconds, then ask each one for a description. After showing the photo to the first blonde, he covered it, then asked her how she would recognize the suspect.

"Easy, " she replied. "He only has one eye."

The chief was stunned. "He only has one eye because it is a profile shot! Think about it!" He repeated the procedure for the second blonde and again asked how she would recognize him.

"He only has one ear, " was her answer.

"What is the matter with you people?!? It is a profile shot! You are seeing him from the side!" He repeated the procedure for the third blonde, then said, "How would you recognize the suspect? Now think before you give me a stupid answer."

After viewing the photo, she thought for a minute, then said, "He's wearing contact lenses."

This took the chief by surprise. He looked real hard at the picture and couldn't tell if the suspect had contacts or not, so he went into the database and looked at the report. Sure enough, when the mug shot was taken, he was wearing contact lenses! He went back to her and asked, "How could you tell he was wearing contact lenses? Nobody else here in this precinct saw that!"

"Well, " she said, "he can't wear regular glasses with only one eye and one ear, now, can he?"

2007-06-04 17:21:28 · 8 answers · asked by vegasbrother98 3

A doctor who had been seeing an 80-year-old woman patient for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told the woman to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her.

As the young doctor was looking through these, his eyes grew wide as he realized she had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are BIRTH CONTROL pills?

"Yes, they help me sleep at night."
"Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely NOTHING in these that could possibly help you sleep!"
She reached out and patted the young Doctor's knee.

"Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my 16 year old granddaughter drinks.................................. And believe me, it helps me sleep at night."

2007-06-04 17:08:57 · 16 answers · asked by Sangy . 4

A young woman drove up to a restaurant’s drive through. She rolls down her window about to order the special of a free drink. But then she thought. After a few minutes of thinking, she asked the person:
“How much is the free drink?”
The guy then said through the speaker, “You are blond, aren’t you?”



Star if it is funny. Remember, I made it up!

2007-06-04 15:58:24 · 33 answers · asked by A 6

A woman walked into a parlor and asked the tattoo artist to give her 2 tattoos. She tells him " I want a picture of a turkey on my inner left thigh and then a picture of a christmas tree on my inner right" The tattoo artist all confused said " ok but do u mind me asking you why?" The woman soon replied "My husband is always complaining there is nothing to eat between Thanksgiving and Christmas!"

2007-06-04 15:51:07 · 19 answers · asked by I love my baby boy!! 4

A McDonald's love story...
A little old couple walked slowly into a McDonald's one cold winter evening.

They looked out of place amid the young families and young couples eating there that night.

Some of the customers looked admiringly at them. You could tell what the admirers were thinking:

"Look, there is a couple who has been through a lot together, probably for 60 years or more!"

The little old man walked up to the cash register, placed his order with no hesitation and then paid for their meal.

The couple took a table near the back wall and started taking food off of the tray.

There was one hamburger, one order of french fries and one drink.

The little old man unwrapped the plain hamburger and carefully cut it in half.

He placed one half in front of his wife.

Then he carefully counted out the french fries, divided them in two piles and neatly placed one pile in front of his wife.

2007-06-04 15:41:21 · 58 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walked into a gas station and handed the lady $5.00. " I would like to get $5.00 worth of gas please. The lady farted and gave him a receipt

2007-06-04 15:38:44 · 9 answers · asked by 38C 6

1. Conversation of 2 arrogants—
Thomas: My dog is brilliant! He hands me the newspaper every morning.
Dave: I know.
Tomas: Huh? How did you know?
Dave: My dog told me.

2. Josh: I dream of earning $5,000 monthly like my dad.
Rick: Woah! You’re dad is earning that much a month?
Josh: Nope. He dreams of that too.

3. Doctor: You’ve a few days left, Bob.
Bob: But…Is there any hope? What shall I do?
Doctor: Just marry the ugly and ******.
Bob: Why? Will that make me well?
Doctor: No. That’ll make you wish you’d rather be dead.

4. Lino: Dude, what’s the difference between H2O and CO2?
Joe: What the..!?! You don’t know!?! H2O is water! CO2….
…is cold water.

5. Wife: I can’t stand this anymore! We fight just everyday! I’d better leave this house.
Husband: Me too, I’m sick of this life. I’d better go with you.

6. Son: Dad, my teacher wanted to know your occupation.
Dad: Tell her, I’m a Cardiologist.
Son: What’s a cardiologist, Dad?
Dad: The one who fixed the car radio.

7. Scott: Why a long-face?
Harry: My sister is mad on me.
Scott: And why is that?
Harry: I forgot her birthday…
Scott: Just that?! Just ‘coz you’ve forgot her birthday she’s mad on you?!
Harry: Dude, we’re twins.

8. Stewardess: Do you want a drink, sir?
Sir: What are my choices?
Stewardess: Yes or No.

9. Advantage and disadvantage of having a wife/husband
ADVANTAGE: When you need him/her, he’s/she’s there.
DISADVANTAGE: When you don’t want him/her, he’s/she’s still there.

10. 2 little boys are bragging about their fathers.
Little Johnny: My dad is amazing! You know the Pacific Ocean? He’s the one who dug it!
Little Junnie: Well, my dad is more amazing. You know the Dead Sea?
Little Johnny: Sure thing.
Little Junnie: My dad’s the one who killed it.

11. Two basketball buddies is excited to know if they’re fave sport is being played in Heaven. They’ve agreed that whomever die first should get back to the other friend to confirm that they really have basketball Up. Jake died first. One night, Rod though he heard Jake’s voice.
Rod: Is that you, Jake?
Jake: Yeah, dude.
Rod: (excited) So, do they play basketball up there?
Jake: Got good and bad news. Good news is.. we play basketball Up there. Bad news is...we’re up against your team tomorrow.



Don't forget the STAR, if it made you smile (c'mon! i know you did^_* )! Thanks! Have a nice day!

2007-06-04 15:28:27 · 23 answers · asked by don't funk with my heart 4

A man is standing next to a very attractive woman on an elevator. He says to her "Madam, can I smell your p*ssy"?
She says "Absolutely not"!! He says "Oh, it must be your feet then".

2007-06-04 14:37:09 · 4 answers · asked by Commander 3

They go to the mall and stand at an elevator. They've never seen one before. The doors open and they just stand there not knowing what to do. An elderly lady gets in, the doors close. Up it goes, a few minutes later it comes back down, the doors open and out walks a beautiful young woman. The dad looks at the son and says "Son, I don't know what this thing is, but go home and get your mother."

2007-06-04 14:21:18 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was invited to his bosses house for supper.He was very anxious to make a good impression.Much to his distress he got a very bad case of gas the night of the supper.
As he sat eating and making conversation his gas got worse and worse until,much to his horror he farted very loudly.
"Spot!" ,snapped the boss's wife.
"Oh wow!", thought the man. She doesn't realize that it was me. She thinks it's the dog!
As he was very much more relaxed by this thought, it wasn't long before another fart slipped out. "Spot!", said the woman again. The man, feeling perfectly satisfied that the woman didn't realize that it was him, gave one last glorious, triumphant fart! "Spot!" the woman said irritably, "Get out from behind his chair before he poops all over you!"

2007-06-04 14:19:03 · 15 answers · asked by ? 1

A young man goes into a drug store to buy condoms. The pharmacist says the
condoms come in packs of 3, 9 or 12 and asks which the young man wants.
"Well," he said, 'I've been seeing this girl for a while and she's really hot.
I want the condoms because I think tonight's 'the' night. We're having dinner
with her parents, and then we're going out. And I've got a feeling I'm going to
get lucky after that. Once she's had me, she'll want me all the time, so you'd
better give me the 12 pack."
The young man makes his purchase and leaves. Later that evening, he sits down
to dinner with his girlfriend and her parents. He asks if he might give the
blessing, and they agree. He begins the prayer, but continues praying with his
head down for several minutes after everyone starts eating. The girl leans over
and says, "You never told me that you were such a religious person." He leans
over to her and says, "You never told me that your father is a pharmacist."

2007-06-04 14:12:06 · 11 answers · asked by ? 4

There was a cop on his horse waiting to cross the road when a little boy on
his new shiny bike stopped beside him.

''Nice bike,'' the cop said, ''did Santa bring it to you?''

''Yep,'' the little boy said, ''he sure did!''

The cop looked at the bike and while handing the boy a $20 ticket he said,
''Next year, tell Santa to put a license plate on the back of it.''

To go along with the cop, the little boy said, ‘‘nice horse you got their sir,
did Santa bring it to you?'' ''Yes, He sure did,'' said the cop.

the little boy looked up at the cop and said, ''Next year tell Santa to put
the dick underneath the horse instead of on top.

2007-06-04 14:06:09 · 7 answers · asked by ? 4

Bush and Cheney Lunch

Bush and Cheney are at a restaurant for lunch. The waitress comes over and asks what they will be having.
Bush says, "I'll have a quickie."

The waitress steps back in disgust and says, "Mr. President, I thought that kind of piggish behavior went out with the last administration!"

She storms off and Dubya looks confused. Cheney shakes his head at the president and says, "George, it's pronounced QUICHE."

2007-06-04 13:36:51 · 28 answers · asked by Anonymous