Jokes & Riddles - June 2007

I dont want nobody to think it was me

2007-06-03 03:35:28 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

These "silly tech support calls " have been around in e-mails and online since the dawn of tech support.

They are always fun to read. I'm in the mood for a good laugh. How 'bout you?


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Customer: Hi, this is Celine. I can't get my diskette out.
Tech support: Have you tried pushing the Button?

Customer: Yes, sure, it's really stuck.
Tech support: That doesn't sound good; I'll make a note.

Customer: No, wait a minute... I hadn't inserted it yet... it's still on my desk... Sorry....


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Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Female customer: A white one...

Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?


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Tech support: Good day. How may I help you?
Male customer: Hello... I can't print.

Tech support: Would you click on "start" for me and...
Customer: Listen pal; don't start getting technical on me! I'm not Bill Gates.


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Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Martha, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'Can't find printer'. I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it...


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Customer: I have problems printing in red...
Tech support: Do you have a color printer?

Customer: Aaaah....... ......... ....thank you.


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Tech support: What's on your monitor now, ma'am?
Customer: A teddy bear my boyfriend bought for me at the 7-11.


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Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?

Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back

Customer: OK

Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes

Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in. Is there another keyboard?
Customer: Yes, there's another one here. Ah...that one does work...


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Tech support: Your password is the small letter "a" as in apple, a capital letter V as in Victor, the number 7.
Customer: Is that 7 in capital letters?


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Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?

Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?

Customer: Five stars.


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Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.

Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer : Oh, sorry...Internet Explorer.


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Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.


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Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first e-mail.

Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the circle around it?


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A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?

Customer: "No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point. The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine."


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And last but not least...


Tech support: "Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter "P" to bring up the Program Manager"
Customer: I don't have a P.

Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?

Tech support: "P".....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT!

2007-06-03 03:17:02 · 12 answers · asked by Gilmore G 2

Rosie O'Donnell

2007-06-03 02:49:33 · 6 answers · asked by Anonymous

Switch the letters around in MOTHER IN LAW and you get WOMAN HITLER omg how true.

2007-06-03 02:41:07 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

Katie heard her 95 year old grandfather had passed away so went to the house to console her grandma..

When Katie asked how Grandad had died, Grandma said:"He had a heart attack while we were making love on Sunday morning."

"That's terrible." said Katie, "But surely it was a risk if your both nearly 100?"

"Not at all." said Grandma. "Many years ago we realised it might be dangerous so decided just to do it on Sunday mornings when the church bell rang."
"We did it in time to them - it was just the right rhythm, nice and slow."

"In fact," she said, wiping away a tear; "he'd still be here now but for that bloody ice-cream van."

2007-06-03 01:44:56 · 17 answers · asked by SmokinScoobyDoo 4

just put something down. your name, watchu like, anything. you kan even say how much i suck. i don't but you would be totally screwed if you sayed that.

2007-06-03 01:31:23 · 15 answers · asked by joshogold 2

Li'l Johnny asked his mom for a red bike for Christmas. His mom was religious & said, "I think you should think about how you've been behaving all year, then go in your room and write God a letter about why you think you deserve what you're asking for." In his room, Li'l Johnny sat at his desk "Dear God, I've been a real good boy this year. Can I please have a red bike for Christmas? Love, Johnny" Then Li'l Johnny thought, "This is GOD. He'll KNOW." So he tried again, "Dear God, I've been TRYING to be a good boy this year. Can I please have a red bike for Christmas? Love, Johnny." Again, he knew God would know better. Li'l Johnny thought and thought. Seeing Mom was busy, He snuck out of the house and down to a church a half block away, where they were having a Christmas service. He timed it right, then stole a small statue of Virgin Mary, took it home and snuck into his room, sat the figure on the desk, then wrote "Dear God. This is Johnny. I have your Mother. If you want her back...

2007-06-03 00:50:58 · 12 answers · asked by bb jo 5

Two identical female twins decide to rob a bank. One stormy night, they decide to pull through with it. One stays in the car, and the other goes into the bank. Wich one robbed the bank?

2007-06-02 23:48:09 · 36 answers · asked by ? 5

The elderly Italian man went to his parish priest and asked if the priest would hear his confession.

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

"Well, Father, at the beginning of World War Two, a beautiful woman knocked on my door and asked me to hide her from the Germans; I hid her in my attic, and they never found her."

"That's a wonderful thing, my son, and nothing that you need to confess," said the priest.

"It's worse, Father; I was weak, and told her that she had to pay for rent of the attic with her sexual favors," continued the old man.

"Well, it was a very difficult time, and you took a large risk - you would have suffered terribly at their hands if the Germans had found you hiding her; I know that God, in his wisdom and mercy, will balance the good and the evil, and judge you kindly," said the priest.

"Thanks, Father," said the old man. "That's a load off of my mind. Can I ask another question?"

"Of course, my son," said the priest.

The old man asked, "Do I need to tell her that the war is over?"

2007-06-02 23:12:43 · 8 answers · asked by êNVY_Mè 2

Member since: September 21, 2006
Total points: 249 (Level 1)
Points earned this week:
--% Best answer

belle
S Mauritian joke?
Boodhoo(famous here in Mauritius-our little Johny) was sixteen years old and dating a girl much older than him. One day, Boodhoo was at his girlfriend's place and Olive really wanted to make the big jump but Boodhoo was inexperienced on sex and all that. So, Olive trying to make him get the hint made the best strip tease of her life and when she was completely nude, took the hand of Boodhoo and touched her sex with it.
-What is that? , Boodhoo asked
-This is my pus**, she replied
Boodhoo brings his hand near, very near his face and observed his fingers
-Oh my gosh!!!, he exclaimed, Olive, your cat is dead darling!!!

2007-06-02 22:26:23 · 3 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-02 21:43:44 · 7 answers · asked by Montego 4

Mrs. Murphy was a woman who loved to make baked beans. Whenever she prepared them, she would take them to the church social and sell them. There was another woman, Mrs. Jones, who loved Mrs. Murphy's baked beans. She always made it a point to be first in line at the church social so she could buy the beans before anyone else had the chance.

One day, after baking a big pot of beans, Mrs. Murphy put them on the window sill to cool down. Outside two boys were playing with their BB gun and a few pellets went into the pot without Mrs. Murphy knowing.

Later that day Mrs. Murphy took her goods to the church social, where Mrs. Jones was waiting to buy the baked beans that she loved so well.

The next day Mrs. Jones calls up Mrs. Murphy and asked her if she had changed her recipe. Mrs. Murphy said that she hadn't changed her recipe at all and that the procedures she used were the same as always.

Mrs. Murphy asked, "Why are you asking, Mrs. Jones? Is there a problem?"

Mrs. Jones said, "Well, yes. Earlier today, when I bent down to feed the dog, I shot the cat."

2007-06-02 21:36:21 · 28 answers · asked by Daisy 2

There were two nuns...
One of them was known as Sister Mathematical (SM),
and the other one was known as Sister Logical (SL).
It is getting dark and they are still far away from the convent.
SM: Have you noticed that a man has been following us for
The past thirty-eight and a half minutes? I wonder what he wants.
SL: It's logical. He wants to rape us.
SM: Oh, no! At this rate he will reach us in 15 minutes
at the most! What can we do?
SL: The only logical thing to do of course is to walk faster.
SM: It's not working.
SL: Of course it's not working. The man did the only
logical thing. He started to walk faster, too.
SM: So, what shall we do? At this rate he will reach us in one minute.
SL: The only logical thing we can do is split. You go that way and
I'll go this way. He cannot follow us both.
So the man decided to follow Sister Logical.

2007-06-02 21:21:08 · 14 answers · asked by Denise M 3

Do You Have A B.C.?


My friend is a rather old-fashioned lady, always quite delicate and elegant, especially in her language. She and her husband were planning a week's vacation in Fla., so she wrote to a particular campground and asked for a reservation.

She wanted to make sure the campground was fully equipped, but didn"t quite know how to ask about the toilet ficilities. She just couldn't bring herself to write the word "toilet" in her letter. After much deliberation she finally came up with the old-fashioned term "bathroom commode". But when she wrote that down, she still felt that she was being too forward. So she started all over again, rewrote the entire letter, and referred to the bathroom commode merely as the B.C.

"Does the campground have its own B.C.?" is what she finally wrote.

Well, the campground owner wasn't old-fashioned at all, and when he got the letter he just couldn't figure out what the woman was talking about. That B.C. business really stumped him. After worrying about it for a while, he showed the letter to several campers, but no one could imagine what the lady meant, either. So the campground owner, finally coming to the conclusion that the lady must be asking about
the location of the Baptist Church, sat down and wrote the following reply:

Dear Madam: I regret very much the delay in answering your letter, but I now take the pleasure of informing you that a B.C. is located nine miles north of the campground, and is capable of seating 250 people at one time. I admit it is quite a distance away if you are in the habit of going regularly, but no doubt you will be pleased to learn that a great number of our people take their lunches along and
make a day of it. They usually arrive early and stay late. If you don't start early, you probably will not make it in time. The last time my wife and I went was six years ago, and it was so crowded we had to stand up the whole time we were there. It may interest you to know that right now, there is a supper planned to raise money to buy more seats. They're going to hold it in the basement of the B.C. I would like to say it pains me very much not being able to go more often, but it surely is no lack of desire on my part. As we grow older, it seems to be more of an effort, particularly in cold weather.

If you decide to come down to our campground, perhaps I could go with you the first time you go, sit with you, and introduce you to all the other folks. Remember, this is a friendly community!!

2007-06-02 21:15:21 · 22 answers · asked by Daisy 2

Here i'll start it off with...

Fantastic Foreskin...RISE of the silver surfer

2007-06-02 20:35:39 · 7 answers · asked by cpc26ca 1

I am wanting some joes for entertainment

2007-06-02 20:00:48 · 15 answers · asked by Coolbuddy 1

2007-06-02 19:53:10 · 19 answers · asked by joelinn1974 3

What to do?

2007-06-02 19:52:09 · 11 answers · asked by Anonymous

A turkey was chatting with a bull.


"I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey. "But I just haven't got the energy."


"Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients."

The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the first branch of the tree.


The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a week, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree.

He was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.

Moral of the story: Bull crap might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.

2007-06-02 19:47:40 · 17 answers · asked by Anonymous

A priest was preparing a man for his long day's journey into night.


Whispering firmly, the priest said, "Denounce the devil! Let him know how little you think of his evil!"

The dying man said nothing.


The priest repeated his order.

Still the dying man said nothing.


The priest asked, "Why do you refuse to denounce the devil and his evil?"

The dying man said, "Until I know where I'm heading, I don't think I ought to aggravate anybody!"

2007-06-02 19:45:05 · 23 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man was on holiday in the Caribbean and liking the continual good weather settled down for a day's sunbathing. He fell asleep and after a whole day his legs were sunburnt beyond belief and he could hardly stand for the pain.

So he goes along to the doctor for treatment.

The doctor looks at his sunburnt legs and said, "well, you realize that this is only a small village surgery and in reality I've really got nothing at all to help you." However, try this", and gives him one tablet of Viagra."

So the man says "but I've got acute sunburn what's a Viagra tablet going to do?"

The doctor says, "basically, nothing at all for the sunburn but it will help keep the sheets off of your legs tonight."

2007-06-02 19:41:36 · 24 answers · asked by Anonymous

2007-06-02 18:26:46 · 3 answers · asked by Soft Heart 6

Funny Jokes: [ Funny Quizzes Jokes ] : What Cartoon Character Are You?

What Cartoon Character Are You?
Ever wonder which cartoon character you are most like? Well, a team of researchers got together and analyzed the personalities of cartoon characters. The gathered information has been incorporated into this quiz.

Answer each question with the choice that most describes you at this point in your life, then add up the points that correspond with your answers.

>1. Which describes your perfect date?

a) Candlelight dinner for two
b) Amusement Park
c) Rollerblading in the park
d) Rock Concert
e) See a movie

>2. What is your favorite type of music?

a) Rock and Roll
b) Alternative
c) Soft Rock
d) Classical
e) Christian

>3. What is your favorite type of movie?
a) Comedy
b) Horror
c) Musical
d) Romance
e) Documentary

>4. Which of the following jobs would you choose if you were given only
>these choices?

a) Waiter/Waitress
b) Sports Player
c) Teacher
d) Policeman
e) Bartender

>5. Which would you rather do if you had an hour to waste?

a) Work out
b) Read
c) Watch TV
d) Listen to the radio
e) Sleep

>6. Of the following colors, which do you like the best?

a) Yellow
b) White
c) Sky blue
d) Teal
e) Red

>7. Which one of the following would you like to eat right now?

a) Ice cream
b) Pizza
c) Sushi
d) Pasta
e) Salad

>8. Which is your favorite holiday?

a) Halloween
b) Christmas
c) New Year's
d) Valentine's Day
e) Thanksgiving

>9. If you could go to any of the following places, which would it be?

a) Paris
b) Spain
c) Las Vegas
d) Hawaii
e) Hollywood

>10. Of the following, who would you rather spend time with?

a) Someone who is smart
b) Someone with good looks
c) Someone who is a party animal
d) Someone who has fun all the time
e) Someone who is very emotional

>Now total up your points on each question and find your character
below:

1. a-4 b-2 c-5 d-1 e-3

2. a-2 b-1 c-4 d-5 e-3

3. a-2 b-1 c-3 d-4 e-5

4. a-4 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-1

5. a-5 b-4 c-2 d-1 e-3

6. a-1 b-5 c-3 d-2 e-4

7. a-3 b-2 c-1 d-4 e-5

8. a-1 b-3 c-2 d-4 e-5

9. a-4 b-5 c-1 d-4 e-3

10. a-5 b-2 c-1 d-3 e-4


NOW, Find out which ! Looney Tune you are:

(10-17 points) You are TAZ: You are wild and crazy and you know it! You know how to have fun, but you may take it to extremes. You know what you are doing though, and are much in control of your own life. People don't always see things your way, but that doesn't mean that you should do away with your beliefs. Try to remember that your wild spirit can lead to hurting yourself and others.

(18-26 points) You are Bugs Bunny: You are fun, friendly, and popular. You are a real crowd pleaser. Have probably been out on the town your share of times, yet you come home with the values that your mother taught you.Marriage and children are important to you, but only after you have fun. Don't let the people you please influence you to stray.

(27-34 points) You are Tweety: You are cute, and everyone loves you. You are a best friend that no one takes the chance of losing. You never hurt feelings and seldom have your own feelings hurt. Life is a breeze.You are witty, and calm most of the time. Just keep clear of back stabbers and you are worry-free.

(35-42 points) You are Pepe Le Pew: (without the smell) You are a lover. Romance, flowers, and wine are all you need to enjoy yourself. You are serious about all commitments. A family person. You call your Mom every Sunday, and never forget a Birthday. Don't let your passion for romance get confused with the real thing.

(43-50 points) You are Speedy Gonzales: You are smart, a real thinker. Every situation is approached with a plan. You are very healthy in mind and body. You teach strong family values. Keep your feet planted in them, but don't overlook a bad situation when it does happen.

2007-06-02 18:00:52 · 11 answers · asked by HELPING LADY 3

A little guy goes into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little guy staring at him, looks down and says, "7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, Turner Brown."

The small guy faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big dude kneels down and brings him to, slapping his face and shaking him, "What's wrong with you?"

In a very weak voice the little guy says, "Excuse me, but what EXACTLY did you say to me?"

The big dude says, "I saw the curious look on your face and figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me.

I'm 7 feet tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pound left testicle, 3 pound right testicle, and my name is Turner Brown."

The small guy says, "Thank God! I thought you said turn around!

2007-06-02 17:58:57 · 5 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?" The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?" The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

2007-06-02 17:36:29 · 8 answers · asked by mysweetest666 1

Tell me something funny that's happened to you today.

2007-06-02 16:49:02 · 9 answers · asked by TKDboy 3

who came up with this quote?

2007-06-02 16:36:36 · 5 answers · asked by Travis K 1

nobody better lay a finger on.......

2007-06-02 16:20:03 · 12 answers · asked by Kari 3

what should me n my friends do?????

2007-06-02 16:13:03 · 15 answers · asked by Anonymous

One day, Pete complained to his friend, "My elbow really hurts. I guess I should see a doctor." His friend said, "Don't do that. There's a computer at the drug store that can diagnose anything quicker and cheaper than a doctor. Simply put in a sample of your urine, and the computer will diagnose your problem and tell you what you can do about it. And it only costs $10.00.

Pete figured he had nothing to lose, so he filled a jar with a urine sample and went to the drug store. Finding the computer, he poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The computer started making some noise and various lights started flashing. After a brief pause, out popped a small slip of paper which read: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water, avoid heavy labor. It will be better in two weeks.......

That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was and how it would change medical science forever, he began to wonder if this computer could be fooled. He decided to give it a try. He mixed together some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, and urine samples from his wife and daughter. To top it off, he masturbated into the concoction. He went back to the drug store, located the computer, poured in the sample and deposited the $10.00. The machine again made the usual noises, flashed its lights, and printed out the following analysis: Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. Your daughter is using cocaine. Put her in a rehabilitation clinic. Your wife is pregnant ....... twin girls. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. And if you don't stop jerking off, your elbow will never get better.

2007-06-02 15:49:33 · 13 answers · asked by Anonymous