Tommy Cooper classics?

Question

Tommy Cooper classics


Went to the paper shop - it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said ' I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for ' flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out' . Man says, Why?
The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Is it common?' It's not unusual.'


I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' .

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.


'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that.'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said 'Well he's been in a fight.'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.' My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah.'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac.' The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' .....' Bring me a colour TV'

Answer 1

absolutly bl**dy brill....................u totally brightened up my long nite at work............thank u.................xxxxxxxxxxxxxx

Answer 2

I love Tommy Cooper!! ..don't recognise some of these though, hehe doh! :) xx

Answer 3

Nice Poetry.

Answer 4

Tommy phones the local council and says I wanna skip outside my house. the council replied well we're not stopping you. good lad tommy you'll be missed

Answer 5

Ha Ha! Funny! 10!

Answer 6

brilliant! esp the chinese one and the HP sauce!

a great and funny man!

Answer 7

keep the jokes coming john your a star.

Answer 8

Never heard of Tommy Cooper in my life, but thanks for the laugh! Have a star!

Answer 9

Great jokes
And his delivery was brilliant.

Answer 10

Lol. They're funny.

Answer 11

funny mate. l liked him a lot. cool