If Tommy Cooper were alive today......?

Question

This lorry full of tortoises collided with a van full of terrapins.
It was a turtle disaster.

I told my girlfriend I had a job in a bowling alley. She said "Tenpin"?
I said, "No, permanent."

I went in to a pet shop. I said, "Can I buy a goldfish?" The guy said, "Do you want an aquarium?" I said, "I don't care what star sign
it is."

I was at a Garden Centre and I asked for something herby. They
gave me a Volkswagen with no driver.

I met this bloke with a didgeridoo and he was playing Dancing
Queen on it. I thought, "That's Aboriginal."

Batman came up to me and he hit me over the head with a vase
and he went T'PAU! I said "Don't you mean KAPOW?? He said "No, I've got china in my hand."

I bought some Armageddon cheese today, and it said on the
packet. 'Best Before End'

My mate is in love with two schoolbags. He's bisatchel.


Just in case, these jokes are just typify Tommy Cooper's comedy so well.

Answer 1

Absolutely FAB! Made me laugh anyway.

Answer 2

Tommy Cooper classics


Went to the paper shop - it had blown away

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any.

I bought some HP sauce the other day. It's costing me 6p a month for the next 2 years.

Last night I dreamed I ate a ten-pound marshmallow, and when I woke up the pillow was gone.

Police arrested two kids yesterday, one was drinking battery acid, the other was eating fireworks. They charged one and let the other one off.

A woman told her doctor, 'I've got a bad back.' The doctor said, 'It's old age.' The woman said, 'I want a second opinion. 'The doctor says, 'OK. you're ugly as well.'

'You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine.' So that was nice.'

A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time'
The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'

A man walked into the doctor's, he said ' I've hurt my arm in several places'
The doctor said 'well don't go there any more'

I'm on a whiskey diet. I've lost three days already.

Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners

'So I got home, and the phone was ringing. I picked it up, and said 'Who's speaking please?'
And a voice said, 'You are.'

'So I rang up my local swimming baths. I said ' Is that the local swimming baths?' He said ' It depends where you're calling from.'

'I went to the doctors the other day and I said, 'have you got anything for wind' ,
so he gave me a kite.'

I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for ' flu.
So I went, and I got it.'

A man goes into the doctors. The doctor says, 'Go over to the window and stick your tongue out' . Man says, Why?
The doctor says, 'I don't like my neighbours'

Two Aerials meet on a roof - fall in love - get married.
The ceremony was rubbish but the Reception was Brilliant.

Now, most dentist's chairs go up and down, don't they? The one I was in went back and forwards. I thought ' This is unusual' .
And the dentist said to me ' Mr Cooper, get out of the filing cabinet.'

Apparently, 1 in 5 people in the world are Chinese. And there are 5 people in my family, so it must be one of them. It's either my mum or my dad. Or my older brother Colin.
Or my younger brother Ho-Cha-Chu. But I think it's Colin.


'Doc, I can't stop singing the green green grass of home.' That sounds like Tom Jones syndrome.' Is it common?' It's not unusual.'


I went into a butchers and I said, 'I'll have a pound of sausages.' He said, 'I'm very sorry, sir, we only serve kilos in here.'I said, 'Okay then I'll have a pound of kilos.'

'So I said to the doctor'. ' People keep taking the Mickey out of me because I keep thinking I'm a cricket ball.' The doctor said 'Howzat?'I said, don't you start' .

So I knocked on the door at this bed & Breakfast and a lady stuck her head out of the window and said: 'What do you want'I said, 'I want to stay here.' She said, 'Well stay there' and shut the window.


'I had a meal last night. I ordered everything in French, surprised everybody. It was a Chinese restaurant. I said to this Chinese waiter, 'Look, this chicken I got here is cold.' He said, 'It should be, it's been dead two weeks.'
I said, 'Not only that.'I said, I said... I said it twice, I said, 'He's got one leg shorter than the other.' He said, 'What do you wanna do with it, eat it or dance with it?'
I said, 'Forget the chicken, give me a lobster, and he brought me this lobster. I said just a minute, he's only got one claw.' He said 'Well he's been in a fight.'I said, 'Well give me the winner.'

A man takes his Rottweiler to the vet.' My dog's cross-eyed, is there anything you can do for him? 'Well, 'says the vet, 'let's have a look at him'so he picks the dog up and examines his eyes, then checks his teeth.
Finally, he says ' I'm going to have to put him down.' What? Because he's cross-eyed?' No, because he's really heavy'

So I went to the dentist.
He said, 'Say Aaah.'I said, 'Why?' He said, 'My dog's died.'

A man goes to the Psychiatrists and the Psychiatrist says: 'What's the problem' The man says, 'I think I'm becoming a kleptomaniac.' The Psychiatrist says, 'Here take these tablets and if you're no better in a week' .....' Bring me a colour TV'

Answer 3

nicely, I declare to be a "Christian"; and if Christ have been in the international right this moment he does not be a Christian as loosely through fact the term is used right this moment. "Christian" isn't a team interest, it incredibly is one soul at a time with a private courting with Christ. it incredibly is like they say, "status in a church would not make you a Christian any further than status in a storage makes you a mechanic. yet, those human beings having a tribal mentality can not envision guy or woman relationships, and team cooperation. actually, Christianity isn't a faith, yet a theory that survives not through fact of religion, yet regardless of it. faith is an synthetic device of rules and dogma. Christianity is a metamorphosis interior of each and each coronary heart and soul. Many fake prophets abound, yet few are Christians. do not paint each physique with a vast brush in case you do not be conscious of something approximately them.

Answer 4

Good old Tommy, pity he was taken in such a way, but he even made that appear funny.

Answer 5

hey malcom g(ay) get a sense of humour or don't poat a response. most of us haven't seen these before on here so sod off and let us enjoy our selves. anybody who agrees please give me a THUMBS UP!!!!!

Answer 6

Liked them.!!!

Answer 7

Liked them !!!!

Answer 8

It must be the way you tell them, they were rubbish!

Answer 9

He were great he were....our Tommy....

Answer 10

OKAY