Jokes & Riddles - December 2007

why has a lot of people in jokes and riddles turned against me, what have i done? i have a laugh and joke and i dont hurt anybody, yet i have been bad mouthed! and i havent got a clue why?????? i have had no violations! no emails to ask what has happened? nothing, so can someone explain!!!
this is joke, im fed up with it!

2007-12-03 00:21:29 · 34 answers · asked by Anonymous

This farmer has 500 hens but no rooster so he goes to his neighbor and asks him if he could buy a rooster for $100.

The neighbor says, "You can have this rooster. His name's Roy. He'll get all your hens pregnant. He's a real stud."

So the farmer takes him home and says, "It's your first day so take it slow, okay?"

The farmer puts Roy in the hen house and then hears all the hens crying and yelling. Roy nailed every one of those hens and then nailed a duck and a goose at a pond.

The next morning the farmer finds Roy lying dead with his legs sticking in the air and buzzards circling overhead.

The farmer says, "Roy, did you have to die?"

Roy says, "Quiet! They're about to land!"

2007-12-03 00:08:44 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

Two turtles go camping and pack a cooler with sandwiches and beer. After three days of walking, they arrive at a great spot but realize they've forgotten a bottle opener. The first turtle turns to the second and says, "You've gotta go back and get the opener or else we have no beer."

"No way," says the second. "By the time I get back, you will have eaten all the food."

"I promise I won't," says the turtle. "Just hurry!"

Nine full days pass and there's still no sign of the second turtle. Exasperated and starving, the first turtle digs into the sandwiches. Suddenly, the second turtle pops out from behind a rock and yells, "I knew it! I'm not f-cking going!"

2007-12-03 00:05:25 · 37 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

An old man and his wife have gone to bed. After laying there a few minutes the old man farts and says,"Seven Points."

His wife rolls over and says, "What in the world was that?"
The old man replied, "It's fart football!"

A few minutes later the wife lets one go and says - "Touchdown, tie score!"

After about five minutes the old man farts again and says - "Touchdown, I'm ahead 14 to 7!"

Not to be outdone the wife rips another one and says, - "Touchdown, tie score!" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker and says - "Field goal, I lead 17 to 14!"

Now the pressures on and the old man refuses to get beat by a woman so he strains real hard but to no avail. Realizing a defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything he has but instead of farting he poops the bed.

The wife looks and says, "What the heck was that?"
The old man replied, "Half-time, switch sides!"

2007-12-03 00:02:19 · 21 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

A man, called to an audit by the IRS, asked his accountant for advice on what to wear. 'Wear your shabbiest clothing. Let him think you are a pauper.'




Then he asked his lawyer the same question, but got the opposite advice. 'Do not let them intimidate you. Wear your most elegant suit and tie.'




Confused, the man went to his buddy, told him of the conflicting advice, and requested some resolution of the dilemma. 'Let me tell you a story,'




Replied the buddy.




'A woman, about to be married, asked her mother what to wear on her wedding night. 'Wear a heavy, long, flannel nightgown that goes right up to your neck.' But when she asked her best friend, she got conflicting advice. 'Wear your most sexy negligee, with a V neck right down to your navel.'




The man protested: 'What does all this have to do with my problem with the IRS?'




The buddy responded: "'No matter what you wear, you are going to get screwed"

2007-12-03 00:01:42 · 17 answers · asked by crazy gal 2

Because she knows she's given her last bl*w j*b

2007-12-02 23:59:24 · 13 answers · asked by SuperStu 2

A mother is walking with her five year-old son through the zoo when they reach the elephant cage. The boy looks with amazement at the large beast and asks his mom, "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

His mother replies "That's his trunk".

The little boy goes, "I know that, the thing to the other side of the trunk."

The mom replies "Oh, that's his tail".

The boy goes, "I know that! No, what's that big thing hanging down in between the trunk and tail."

The mother, wanting to avoid this subject all together, just says "Oh, that's nothing" and whisks him off to the next exhibit.

Two weeks later he goes to the same zoo with his dad. They are at the elephant exhibit and he asks his dad "What's that long thing hanging down from the elephant?"

The dad replies, "That's his trunk."

"No, behind that!" says the kid.

"Oh, well that's his tail" replies the father.

"NO, in-between the trunk and the tail!" yells the kid.

His dad replies, "Son, that's the elephant's penis."

The kid, a bit puzzled, tells his dad, "But Mom said it was nothing."

His father replied, "Son, that's because your mom's been spoiled."

2007-12-02 23:54:01 · 23 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7

STAR FOR HAHAHA PLS,,,,,,,,,

The population of this country is 237 million. 104 million are retired. That leaves 133 million to do the work.

There are 85 million in school, which leave 48 million to do the work. Of this there are 29 million employed by the federal government. And since we KNOW they don't do a d***** thing, this leaves 19 million to do the work.

Four million are in the Armed Forces (i.e. let's soak up more tax dollars while we play "Doom"), which leaves 15 million to do the work.

Take from the total the 14,800,000 people who work for State and City Government and that leaves 200,000 to do the work.

There are 188,000 in hospitals, so that leaves 12,000 to do the work.

Now, there are 11,998 people in Prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work.

You and me.

And you're sitting there reading humor funnies.

No wonder I'm tired; I'm the doing ALL of the work myself!

2007-12-02 22:53:14 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.

After a week of this she can't stand it any longer! The woman goes into her supervisor's office and tells him that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against the man and explains why.

The supervisor is puzzled by this and says what's wrong with the co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?

The woman replies, "He's a midget"!

2007-12-02 22:50:26 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Tampax have announced that they are to move the string from tampons and replace it with tinsel.....

This will be for the Christmas period only!

2007-12-02 22:43:20 · 9 answers · asked by Anonymous

Santa: "So little girl, what would you like for Christmas?"

Girl: "I want a Barbie Doll and a G.I. Joe."

Santa: "Doesn't Barbie always come with Ken?"

Girl: No, she only fakes it with Ken."

2007-12-02 22:43:03 · 1 answers · asked by Anonymous

I won't go into detail about why i'm depressed but a good joke always helps, any one got any? Cheers.

2007-12-02 22:42:24 · 12 answers · asked by karriemak 6

Father replied,"what?still they have not found out the answer for this question?They asked me the same question when I was young ?"

2007-12-02 22:39:48 · 21 answers · asked by Anonymous

I went to the pictures tomorrow
I took a front seat in the back
a lady gave me some chocolates
i ate them and gave her them back

2007-12-02 22:32:55 · 18 answers · asked by Anonymous

If so, how would you treat them?

2007-12-02 22:31:01 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

Old Mother Twitchett had but one eye, And a long tail which she let fly. And everytime she went over a gap, she left a bit of her tail in a trap....what's the answer??

2007-12-02 22:21:30 · 7 answers · asked by lilliza 2

2007-12-02 22:20:46 · 7 answers · asked by Anonymous

A young man was in court for theft. He decided to hire a lawyer to help him a little.

When the case started, the Judge asked the Lawyer if he had anything to say.

To this, the lawyer replied, " Mr. Judge, I am a strong believer that people are responsible for their own actions. Why should this man be guilty of the crimes his hand commited?"

The judge replied, " That is very good Mr. Lawyer. I too, am a strong believer that people are only responsible for their own actions. Therefore, I sentence this man's hand to 10 years in jail. The man may or may not accompany the hand during the term."

After hearing the judge's ruling, the young man stood up, took off his plastic arm, left it on the chair, and walked out.

2007-12-02 22:17:21 · 3 answers · asked by Joe H 3

There is a dangerous virus being passed around electronically, orally, and By hand. This virus is called Worm-Overload-Recreational-Killer (WORK).

If you receive WORK from any of your colleagues, your boss, or anyone else Via any means DO NOT TOUCH IT. This virus will wipe out your private life Completely.

If you should come into contact with WORK put your jacket on and take two Good friends to the nearest grocery store. Purchase the antidote known as Work-Isolating-Neutralizer-Extract (WINE) or
Bothersome-Employer-Elimination-Rebooter (BEER). Take the antidote
Repeatedly until WORK has been completely eliminated from your system.

You should forward this warning to 5 friends. If you do not have 5 friends, you have already been infected and WORK is controlling your life.

2007-12-02 22:16:23 · 9 answers · asked by Haitham Emad 7

The teacher replied,'no,not at all unless or until they are attacked..."
The student asked,"are you afraid of rats?"
The teacher said,"no,not at all.But why are you asking?"
The excited student said,"I noticed an angry big rat entering your pant pocket just 2 minutes back "

2007-12-02 22:16:18 · 16 answers · asked by Anonymous

The more birhdays you have the longer you seam to live

2007-12-02 22:14:34 · 2 answers · asked by Anonymous

she tied it to a pilon 10,000 vaults went up its bum and turned it's wool to nylon

2007-12-02 22:11:26 · 4 answers · asked by Anonymous

A driver is pulled over by a policeman. The policeman approaches the drivers door.

'Is there a problem Officer?'

The policeman says, 'Sir, you were speeding. Can I see your licence please?'

The driver responds, 'I'd give it to you but I don't have one.'

'You don't have one?'

The man responds, 'I lost it four times for drink driving.'

The policeman is shocked. 'I see. Can I see your vehicle registration papers please?'

'I'm sorry, I can't do that.'

The policeman says, 'Why not?'

'I stole this car.'

The officer says, 'Stole it?'

The man says, 'Yes, and I killed the owner.'

At this point the officer is getting irate. 'You what?'

'She's in the boot if you want to see.'

The Officer looks at the man and slowly backs away to his car and calls for back up. Within minutes, five police cars show up, surrounding the car. A senior officer slowly approaches the car, clasping his half-drawn gun.

The senior officer says, 'Sir, could you step out of your vehicle please!'

The man steps out of his vehicle. 'Is there a problem sir?'

'One of my officers told me that you have stolen this car and murdered the owner.'

'Murdered the owner?'

The officer responds, 'Yes, could you please open the boot of your car please?'

The man opens the boot, revealing nothing but an empty boot.

The officer says, 'Is this your car sir?'

The man says 'Yes' and hands over the registration papers.

The officer, understandably, is quite stunned. 'One of my officers claims that you do not have a driving licence.'

The man digs in his pocket revealing a wallet and hands it to the officer. The officer opens the wallet and examines the licence. He looks quite puzzled. 'Thank you sir, one of my officers told me you didn't have a licence, stole this car, and murdered the owner.'

The man replies, 'I bet you the lying bastard told you I was speeding, too!'

2007-12-02 22:02:41 · 19 answers · asked by Anonymous

A university creative writing class was asked to write a concise essay containing these four elements:

- religion
- royalty
- sex
- mystery

The prize-winning essay read:

"My God," said the Queen. "I'm pregnant. I wonder who did it?"

2007-12-02 21:54:37 · 13 answers · asked by Haitham Emad 7

A married couple were lying in bed one night.
The wife had curled up ready to go to sleep and the husband put
his bedlamp on to read a book.

As he was reading, he paused and reached over to his wife and
started fondling her "kitty". He did this only for a very short
while, then he would stop and resume reading his book. After a
few minutes of more reading, he reached over to his wife and
started fondling her "kitty" again. Moments later, he resumed
his reading.

The wife gradually became aroused with this, and thought that
her husband was seeking some response as encouragement before
going any further.

She got up and started stripping in front of him. The husband
was confused and asked, "What are you doing taking your clothes
off?"

The wife replied, "You were playing with my "kitty". I thought
it was foreplay to stimulate making love with you tonight.

The husband said, "No, not at all."

The wife then asked," Well, what the hell were you doing
then?"

"I was just wetting my fingers so I could turn the pages in my
book!"

2007-12-02 21:47:22 · 14 answers · asked by jake5282 2

Once upon a time, a girl asked a guy "Will you marry me?" The guy said, "No."

And the girl lived happily ever after and went shopping, dancing, camping, drank martinis, always had a clean house, never had to cook and farted whenever she wanted.

The end.

2007-12-02 21:05:38 · 8 answers · asked by jake5282 2

An old mountaineer and his young wife were getting a divorce in the local court. But custody of the children was a problem. The mother jumped to her feet and protested to the judge that since she had brought the children into this world, she should retain custody of them.

The old mountaineer also wanted custody of the children.

The judge asked for his side of the story and, after a long moment of silence, the mountaineer slowly rose from his chair and said, "Judge, when I put a quarter in a candy machine and a candy bar comes out, does it belong to me or the machine?"

2007-12-02 20:49:10 · 15 answers · asked by jake5282 2

A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime
lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder,
kidnapping, and selling arms.

As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him
by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I
believe you would defend Satan himself!"

"I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?"

2007-12-02 20:47:33 · 6 answers · asked by jake5282 2

This guy owns a horse stud farm, and gets a call
from a friend. "I know this midget with a speech
impediment who wants to buy a horse, I'm sending
him over."

The midget arrives, and the owner asks if he
wants a male or female horse.

"A female horth," the midget replies. So the
owner shows him one.

"Nith looking horth, can I see her mouth?"
So the owner picks up the midget and shows him
the horse's mouth.

"Nith mouth. Can I see her eyesth?" So the
owner picks up the midget and shows the eyes.

"OK, what about the earsth?" Now the owner is
getting pissed, but he picks up the midget one
more time and shows the ears.

"OK, finally, I'd like to see her ****."
With that, the owner picks up the midget and
shoves his head up the horse's ****, then pulls
him out. Shaking his head, the midget says,

"Perhapth I should rephrase. I'd like to see her run!"

2007-12-02 20:46:38 · 9 answers · asked by jake5282 2

When someone questions the obvious give them back a snappy answer. ;)

Snappy Answer #1

A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached, she extended her hand for the ticket, and he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket, not your stub."

Snappy Answer #2

A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store, but couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied, "No ma'am, they're dead."

Snappy Answer #3

The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the cop said. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could." When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on his way without a ticket.

Snappy Answer #4

A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads "Low Bridge Ahead." Before he knows it the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks around to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

Snappy Answer #5

A crowded United Airlines flight was canceled. A single agent was rebooking a long line of inconvenienced travelers. Suddenly an angry passenger pushed his way to the desk. He slapped his ticket down on the counter and said, "I HAVE to be on this flight and it has to be FIRST CLASS." The agent replied, "I'm sorry sir. I'll be happy to try to help you, but I've got to help these folks first, and I'm sure we'll be able to work something out." The passenger was unimpressed. He asked loudly, so that the passengers behind him could hear, "DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA WHO I AM?" Without hesitating, the agent smiled and grabbed her public address microphone. "May I have your attention please," she began her voice heard clearly throughout the terminal. "We have a passenger here at Gate 14 WHO DOES NOT KNOW WHO HE IS. If anyone can help him find his identity, please come to Gate 14." With the folks behind him in line laughing hysterically, the man glared at the United agent, gritted his teeth and swore. "F*** you!" Without flinching, she smiled and said, "I'm sorry, sir, but you'll have to get in line for that, too."

And the VERY BEST snappy answer ....

Snappy Answer #6, THE TEACHER Snappy Answer OF THE YEAR

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Now class, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart-a*s guy in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class does its Best to stifle their laughter and snickering. When silence is restored, the teacher smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand.

2007-12-02 19:56:46 · 31 answers · asked by ♥Scottish♥Ƹ̵̡Ӝ̵̨̄Ʒ♥Fairy♥ 7